I wonder if the Gay and Lesbian Alliance have thought of creating an alternative to the Masters Golf tournament. Same name but give a prize of green cardigan.
When Tiger is in the hunt at the Master the voice of the announcers go up in excitement. Come on already get a booth.
Listening to the commentators it was like they were watching their sons get beat up by a bunch young whipper snappers.
They started to replay Tiger missing a putt to show what he should have done. It was like watching Howie Meeker critique Wayne Gretzky with a telestrator.
Watching Tiger is like a commercial for a Bi-Polar medication. Tiger hasn’t had this many ups and down since last Saturday at his annual 3 hole pre Masters 3 way.
Tiger hasn’t been in so much straw since his annual pre-Master 3 hole 3 way hayride.
Tiger hasn’t uttered as many profanities since his annual pre Masters 3 way 3 hole BBQ was cancelled.
Watching Tiger make a charge on Sunday was unusual for his golf standards but according to his mistresses coming from behind isn’t unheard-of.
The US government almost shut down in a dispute centering on Planned Parenthood. The last large organization to almost shut down due to reproduction issues was the NY Jets.
Jason Day had a shot that averages 340 yards off the tee. The only person known to be longer off the tee was Milton Berle.
Barry Bonds personal trainer is a key witness to the trial over his lying over steroid use. The shopper says she was willing to overlook his being injected with drugs but buying a new hat every week drove her batty.
Edmonton politicians want taxpayers in Alberta to fund a new arena for the Oilers saying it benefits all Albertans. This is true because without the Oilers the Flames start to look uncompetitive.
Upset after her application to attend the leaders debate was denied Green Party leader Elizabeth May invited voters to watch the broadcast with her. This is similar to what Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs intends to do if his application to include the Leafs in the playoffs is turned down. Burke says the Leafs have millions of fans and must be a part of any national sport playoff for the sake of democracy.
LA Lakers forward Kobe Bryant was in hot water after yelling homophobic slurs during a game this week. The team was incensed saying Kobe has to straighten up.
With the floods in Manitoba becoming severe a call has gone out to Gary Bettman who has shown exceptional skill in sandbagging Winnipeg for years over the return of the Jets.
Iceland has just opened a penis museum which has the largest collection of pricks outside of the Chicago Blackhawks locker room.
There was a scary moment in Calgary when a roof over the dining room of a senior citizens complex collapsed. Officials say the damage could have been worse but most of the Flames had opted out of the optional meal.
Canadian hockey fans should look at the Nashville as they have the kind of team that will remind us of past Stanley Cup contenders like the 2006 Edmonton Oilers, the 2005 Calgary Flames and the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Babies Unlimited
The trial of Barry Bonds took an interesting turn when prosecutors had chemists try to match his piss while defending council engaged in a pissing match.
Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney was penalized 2 games for swearing after scoring a goal. If the rule was applied to other sports some NHL players would receive the death penalty.
Turned on the NCAA College Basketball final but must have accidentally gotten the renovation channel as all I saw were players tossing up bricks. With scoring like that in College you have to feel sorry for the next batch of NBA groupies. You know the game was boring when Tiger Woods was yelling “In the hole”.
Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is outraged she won’t be allowed to participate in the TV debate with the other leaders. The broadcasters agreed parties must have at least one seat to join in the debate enraging May who said she has a million votes. The cry was taken up by NFL fans who say they have 50 million supporters yet they are not allowed in contract negotiations to save the season.
Top 5 signs it’s almost playoff time in the NHL
# 5 Leafs are making a run
# 4 San Jose sent out their apologies for an early exit to fans
# 3 Edmonton excited to get a new punter for the Eskimos
# 2 Quebec demanding Alberta send money for riot and riot control equipment
# 1 Phoenix Coyotes say sale of club is “eminent”
A study out of the US says women with 2 or more children have different fathers for the children 25% of the time. The statistic goes up in Cities where there is an NBA franchise.
It must be a lingering holdover from being owned by Disney but the Anaheim Duck sure get a lot of Mickey Mouse calls from officials both for and against them.
The NDP, Liberals and Conservatives have all decided not to campaign in Calgary despite the City being the 4th largest in Canada. The leaders say it is common practice to ignore loyal voters saying crediting the idea from watching how Gary Bettman treats Canadian hockey fans.
The Green Party says it will be fiscally prudent and only increase taxes on the oilsands of Alberta. This is known as the Harold Ballard approach to governing named after the late Toronto Maple Leafs owner who sucked all the money out of the team and then did nothing with it .
10 days after the earthquake destroyed nuclear reactors in Japan the Tokyo Electric Power Company submitted plans for new reactors. In a related story the Ottawa Senators management and coaches will meet this week to plan next year’s team.
Telus say they will have the 1st 4G network in Canada by 2012 a claim contested by the CFL who say they have had a network of players making $4G for years.
A Florida civil liberties group upset at government intervention is advising women to incorporate their uteruses to protect them. The resulting rush to become a company has put a run on the names NY Jets Baby Unlimited, Travis Territory LTD. and The Brady Bunch Inc.
Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe is urging voters to reject the Conservatives saying they have to protect Canadian values. I agree remembering with fondness my Dad raising me with stories of how Canadians were a people who demanded separation and if that was not possible blackmailed their neighbors and took pensions for fermenting a treasonous agenda. Duceppe advising Canadians how to vote is like getting Mike Millbury to help select your draft picks and trades.
Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney was penalized 2 games for swearing after scoring a goal. If the rule was applied to other sports some NHL players would receive the death penalty.
Turned on the NCAA College Basketball final but must have accidentally gotten the renovation channel as all I saw were players tossing up bricks. With scoring like that in College you have to feel sorry for the next batch of NBA groupies. You know the game was boring when Tiger Woods was yelling “In the hole”.
Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is outraged she won’t be allowed to participate in the TV debate with the other leaders. The broadcasters agreed parties must have at least one seat to join in the debate enraging May who said she has a million votes. The cry was taken up by NFL fans who say they have 50 million supporters yet they are not allowed in contract negotiations to save the season.
Top 5 signs it’s almost playoff time in the NHL
# 5 Leafs are making a run
# 4 San Jose sent out their apologies for an early exit to fans
# 3 Edmonton excited to get a new punter for the Eskimos
# 2 Quebec demanding Alberta send money for riot and riot control equipment
# 1 Phoenix Coyotes say sale of club is “eminent”
A study out of the US says women with 2 or more children have different fathers for the children 25% of the time. The statistic goes up in Cities where there is an NBA franchise.
It must be a lingering holdover from being owned by Disney but the Anaheim Duck sure get a lot of Mickey Mouse calls from officials both for and against them.
The NDP, Liberals and Conservatives have all decided not to campaign in Calgary despite the City being the 4th largest in Canada. The leaders say it is common practice to ignore loyal voters saying crediting the idea from watching how Gary Bettman treats Canadian hockey fans.
The Green Party says it will be fiscally prudent and only increase taxes on the oilsands of Alberta. This is known as the Harold Ballard approach to governing named after the late Toronto Maple Leafs owner who sucked all the money out of the team and then did nothing with it .
10 days after the earthquake destroyed nuclear reactors in Japan the Tokyo Electric Power Company submitted plans for new reactors. In a related story the Ottawa Senators management and coaches will meet this week to plan next year’s team.
Telus say they will have the 1st 4G network in Canada by 2012 a claim contested by the CFL who say they have had a network of players making $4G for years.
A Florida civil liberties group upset at government intervention is advising women to incorporate their uteruses to protect them. The resulting rush to become a company has put a run on the names NY Jets Baby Unlimited, Travis Territory LTD. and The Brady Bunch Inc.
Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe is urging voters to reject the Conservatives saying they have to protect Canadian values. I agree remembering with fondness my Dad raising me with stories of how Canadians were a people who demanded separation and if that was not possible blackmailed their neighbors and took pensions for fermenting a treasonous agenda. Duceppe advising Canadians how to vote is like getting Mike Millbury to help select your draft picks and trades.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
King Cobra Favre and Away
Officials in Wisconsin have detected higher than usual traces of radioactive matter in their water which is thought to be fallout from the toxic NFL situation in Green Bay.
After an inspiring victory over Edmonton on Saturday Calgary Flames supporters are left dangling between the bandwagon and the wagon. The group that took the loss harder than Edmonton fans was Calgary sports writers who were banking on a trip to Montreal or Vancouver in the springtime.
The Flames were off to a terrible start in the game and players blamed it on Earth Day saying they decided to shut off the power for the 1st 45 minutes.
In an attempt to be sensitive to the many people rocked by earthquakes, floods and radioactive fallout, the NCAA has banned sports networks covering March Madness from using meltdown, crumble or swept away in the headlines.
I love March Madness it reminds me of a rerun of My name is Nobody.
Even if Barry Bonds is acquitted of charges in his steroid trial you have to feel sorry for him. In testimony his mistress says his head size increased and not in the best way.
Top 5 Tweets by Vancouver fans to Thoeren Fleury
# 5 #$%&%*^$** You!
# 4 Come to Vancouver for a swim in the ocean stay to sleep with the fishes
# 3 Thanks for taking the heat off the HST!
# 2 Didn’t you have your 5 minutes of fame already?
# 1 Calgary should tell their younger players to be quiet!
Italian striker Mario Balotelli is in trouble after throwing darts at the Manchester City youth team. A spokesman for the team tried to play down the incident saying he couldn’t hit the bulls eye with a GPS.
Columbian soccer team Cucuta Deportivo is under investigation after bringing a dead drug gang member into the stadium for a game. The team says he wasn’t dead when he entered but became bored to death during the 0-0 game.
The Conference Board of Canada reports Quebec is the only province where business confidence is increasing. They point to the upcoming hokey playoffs where they say crowbar forgers, spray paint makers and rock sellers expect brisk business during after game celebrations.
A picture of the cobra that escaped from the NY Zoo was taken down from the internet after officials with the Jets confirmed it was a photo shopped shot of Brett Favres junk.
After an inspiring victory over Edmonton on Saturday Calgary Flames supporters are left dangling between the bandwagon and the wagon. The group that took the loss harder than Edmonton fans was Calgary sports writers who were banking on a trip to Montreal or Vancouver in the springtime.
The Flames were off to a terrible start in the game and players blamed it on Earth Day saying they decided to shut off the power for the 1st 45 minutes.
In an attempt to be sensitive to the many people rocked by earthquakes, floods and radioactive fallout, the NCAA has banned sports networks covering March Madness from using meltdown, crumble or swept away in the headlines.
I love March Madness it reminds me of a rerun of My name is Nobody.
Even if Barry Bonds is acquitted of charges in his steroid trial you have to feel sorry for him. In testimony his mistress says his head size increased and not in the best way.
Top 5 Tweets by Vancouver fans to Thoeren Fleury
# 5 #$%&%*^$** You!
# 4 Come to Vancouver for a swim in the ocean stay to sleep with the fishes
# 3 Thanks for taking the heat off the HST!
# 2 Didn’t you have your 5 minutes of fame already?
# 1 Calgary should tell their younger players to be quiet!
Italian striker Mario Balotelli is in trouble after throwing darts at the Manchester City youth team. A spokesman for the team tried to play down the incident saying he couldn’t hit the bulls eye with a GPS.
Columbian soccer team Cucuta Deportivo is under investigation after bringing a dead drug gang member into the stadium for a game. The team says he wasn’t dead when he entered but became bored to death during the 0-0 game.
The Conference Board of Canada reports Quebec is the only province where business confidence is increasing. They point to the upcoming hokey playoffs where they say crowbar forgers, spray paint makers and rock sellers expect brisk business during after game celebrations.
A picture of the cobra that escaped from the NY Zoo was taken down from the internet after officials with the Jets confirmed it was a photo shopped shot of Brett Favres junk.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
March out like a Lion
Pittsburgh Penguins forward Matt Cooke is in trouble with the league again for another shot to the head of an opponent. Under the new rules Cooke will be expected to say he is sorry and could be remorseful for up to a week.
It’s difficult to say what is more disturbing, to watch hockey when it is summer or baseball when it is winter. They say spring is on the way when March comes in like a lion. What happens if it comes in like a Detroit Lion all bark and no bite?
A man who was kicked out of a Halifax bar says he has lost his sense of taste. For proof he has shown the judge his latest purchase a vintage Vancouver Canuck yellow and black jersey.
Top 5 signs your March Madness bracket is toast
# 5 Picked you teams based on personality
# 4 Filled your bracket with teams high in morals and integrity
# 3 Your #1 in the draw pick excels academically
# 2 The star freshman from your #1 pick is living up to his name
# 1 Your wife has picked more winners than you
In a sudden reversal Saskatchewan Roughrider mascot Gainer the Gopher has decided to be called a groundhog and now predicts 25 more weeks of winter.
The Conservative Government had a difficult issue this budget. To give $450 million to the Quebec NHL bid or piss off every other Canadian. The complaint from Canadians is the Government will be giving money to billionaires to pay millionaires to play a game. One budget proposal to alleviate this concern was to have a hot dog vendor apply for a $450 million site improvement loan. The idea was nixed when it was discovered they could not find a hot dog stand in Quebec that wasn’t owned by a billionaire. In Toronto Rogers Communication and MLSE officials demanded the witch hunt against the price of hot dogs stop. Out of concern for the Quebec hot dog vendorhood, both companies will donate $.10 from the sale of each special edition $49.95 hot dog will go towards the cost of making it all go away.
I know it is not something we all want to talk about and highly unpopular in Calgary but I am really supportive of the Quebec City NHL arena money. If memory serves the Calgary Flames received a lot of “Infrastructure” funding during the Liberal governments of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s that went into luxury box upgrades and more composite sticks. Fans in Canada (OK Vancouver sorry) have been given nothing but pain and unmet dreams of mediocrity. The suffering should be shared equally by Quebec.
A spokesman for the Quebec “council pour artistique financial independence”, when told of the Quebec City NHL bid and request for $450 million asked for more money for his plate spinning group.
The University of Calgary held a night in support of homelessness where students slept on the floor or as CFL players call it training camp.
The new Wonder Woman costume was unveiled and was immediately panned by Toronto sports broadcast legend Bob McCowan who dismissed it as not being sporty enough.
A 500 lb escaped felon was captured ion Alberta this week. Police say he tried to blend in by passing himself off as an offensive tackle for the Edmonton Eskimos.
Global News' Mark McAllister is feeling better after a scary moment during Monday night's broadcast. McAllister was wrapping up a piece on Libya when he began speaking in gibberish. A spokesman for Global says the reporter was merely trying to establish his credentials for a new talk sport show.
The defense in Barry Bonds steroid trial says they were unaware of the drugs being injected into the former slugger and maintain the unusual growth of his body and most noticeably his noggin were due to him getting a fat head over his greatness.
Bonds says he will now enter politics and throw his hat into the ring causing other candidate to wonder if they might have to make the ring bigger.
It’s difficult to say what is more disturbing, to watch hockey when it is summer or baseball when it is winter. They say spring is on the way when March comes in like a lion. What happens if it comes in like a Detroit Lion all bark and no bite?
A man who was kicked out of a Halifax bar says he has lost his sense of taste. For proof he has shown the judge his latest purchase a vintage Vancouver Canuck yellow and black jersey.
Top 5 signs your March Madness bracket is toast
# 5 Picked you teams based on personality
# 4 Filled your bracket with teams high in morals and integrity
# 3 Your #1 in the draw pick excels academically
# 2 The star freshman from your #1 pick is living up to his name
# 1 Your wife has picked more winners than you
In a sudden reversal Saskatchewan Roughrider mascot Gainer the Gopher has decided to be called a groundhog and now predicts 25 more weeks of winter.
The Conservative Government had a difficult issue this budget. To give $450 million to the Quebec NHL bid or piss off every other Canadian. The complaint from Canadians is the Government will be giving money to billionaires to pay millionaires to play a game. One budget proposal to alleviate this concern was to have a hot dog vendor apply for a $450 million site improvement loan. The idea was nixed when it was discovered they could not find a hot dog stand in Quebec that wasn’t owned by a billionaire. In Toronto Rogers Communication and MLSE officials demanded the witch hunt against the price of hot dogs stop. Out of concern for the Quebec hot dog vendorhood, both companies will donate $.10 from the sale of each special edition $49.95 hot dog will go towards the cost of making it all go away.
I know it is not something we all want to talk about and highly unpopular in Calgary but I am really supportive of the Quebec City NHL arena money. If memory serves the Calgary Flames received a lot of “Infrastructure” funding during the Liberal governments of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s that went into luxury box upgrades and more composite sticks. Fans in Canada (OK Vancouver sorry) have been given nothing but pain and unmet dreams of mediocrity. The suffering should be shared equally by Quebec.
A spokesman for the Quebec “council pour artistique financial independence”, when told of the Quebec City NHL bid and request for $450 million asked for more money for his plate spinning group.
The University of Calgary held a night in support of homelessness where students slept on the floor or as CFL players call it training camp.
The new Wonder Woman costume was unveiled and was immediately panned by Toronto sports broadcast legend Bob McCowan who dismissed it as not being sporty enough.
A 500 lb escaped felon was captured ion Alberta this week. Police say he tried to blend in by passing himself off as an offensive tackle for the Edmonton Eskimos.
Global News' Mark McAllister is feeling better after a scary moment during Monday night's broadcast. McAllister was wrapping up a piece on Libya when he began speaking in gibberish. A spokesman for Global says the reporter was merely trying to establish his credentials for a new talk sport show.
The defense in Barry Bonds steroid trial says they were unaware of the drugs being injected into the former slugger and maintain the unusual growth of his body and most noticeably his noggin were due to him getting a fat head over his greatness.
Bonds says he will now enter politics and throw his hat into the ring causing other candidate to wonder if they might have to make the ring bigger.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Girl Power
From Calgary Mount Royal University newspaper editor Zoey Duncan “Went to photograph a game between the Trojans and Cougars, some jokes write themselves.”
The Royal Astronomical Society of Canada has identified Jasper Alberta as the darkest place in Canada. The second darkest was found to be Northlands Coliseum in Edmonton at playoff time.
With $9 billion in revenues at stake the NFL Players Association has de-certified causing NFL fans to question if the owners and players should be certified.
NFL head Roger Goddell has reduced his salary to $1 in a show of support for the owners. He says he will resume his $10 million a year salary once his bonuses run out.
A German study says men who stare at women’s breasts on a continuous basis have less chance of heart attack or stroke. A spokesman for the Cleveland Cavaliers says this is another reason to go to games because if you watch these boobs you could live forever. My GF says if I keep staring it is guaranteed I will get a stroke, along with a cuff and a smack.
Some talking head in Toronto says men only watch women play sports if the women are attractive. Women point out Toronto sports talking heads have to be balding, dumpy and desperately trying to save their jobs. The talking head says he isn’t worried about competition as no one with ½ a brain is going to follow him down this road.
Why is it that only really ugly guys on sports radio talk about how much they ogle women in sports? Must be a combination of the baldness gene combining with the lumpy gene and creating a guy who thinks women love to have him leering at them. A spokesman for the Heart and Stroke Foundation says watching this guy on TV could prevent strokes. Mind you with his face and attitude I guess he isn’t worried about getting stroked.
Baltimore Orioles Luke Scott made controversial remarks saying he believes President Obama was not born in the United States. Scott also says Baltimore will challenge for a World Series title so his grasp on reality might not be tight. Scott is called “the mountain man” because he loves guns, calls himself a passionate Christian soldier and is dumb as dirt.
Top 5 signs their will not be an NFL season
# 5 NFL players have put half their entourages on the DL
# 4 Face paint manufacturers have sacked their staff
# 3 Groupies now turning their attention to Bob McGowan
# 2 Pigs seen taunting NFL officials
And the #1 sign their will not be an NFL season…
Tom Brady is wearing a pony tail
A Middle East magazine is out with tips for women on hygiene, skin care and marrying a suicide bomber. What is the #1 tip for women marrying a suicide bomber? Make sure he doesn’t have a short fuse.
Unrest in the Middle East, a Tsunami and nuclear meltdown in Japan and from -30 to +10 degree temperatures in a week, now I get why they call it March Madness.
The Royal Astronomical Society of Canada has identified Jasper Alberta as the darkest place in Canada. The second darkest was found to be Northlands Coliseum in Edmonton at playoff time.
With $9 billion in revenues at stake the NFL Players Association has de-certified causing NFL fans to question if the owners and players should be certified.
NFL head Roger Goddell has reduced his salary to $1 in a show of support for the owners. He says he will resume his $10 million a year salary once his bonuses run out.
A German study says men who stare at women’s breasts on a continuous basis have less chance of heart attack or stroke. A spokesman for the Cleveland Cavaliers says this is another reason to go to games because if you watch these boobs you could live forever. My GF says if I keep staring it is guaranteed I will get a stroke, along with a cuff and a smack.
Some talking head in Toronto says men only watch women play sports if the women are attractive. Women point out Toronto sports talking heads have to be balding, dumpy and desperately trying to save their jobs. The talking head says he isn’t worried about competition as no one with ½ a brain is going to follow him down this road.
Why is it that only really ugly guys on sports radio talk about how much they ogle women in sports? Must be a combination of the baldness gene combining with the lumpy gene and creating a guy who thinks women love to have him leering at them. A spokesman for the Heart and Stroke Foundation says watching this guy on TV could prevent strokes. Mind you with his face and attitude I guess he isn’t worried about getting stroked.
Baltimore Orioles Luke Scott made controversial remarks saying he believes President Obama was not born in the United States. Scott also says Baltimore will challenge for a World Series title so his grasp on reality might not be tight. Scott is called “the mountain man” because he loves guns, calls himself a passionate Christian soldier and is dumb as dirt.
Top 5 signs their will not be an NFL season
# 5 NFL players have put half their entourages on the DL
# 4 Face paint manufacturers have sacked their staff
# 3 Groupies now turning their attention to Bob McGowan
# 2 Pigs seen taunting NFL officials
And the #1 sign their will not be an NFL season…
Tom Brady is wearing a pony tail
A Middle East magazine is out with tips for women on hygiene, skin care and marrying a suicide bomber. What is the #1 tip for women marrying a suicide bomber? Make sure he doesn’t have a short fuse.
Unrest in the Middle East, a Tsunami and nuclear meltdown in Japan and from -30 to +10 degree temperatures in a week, now I get why they call it March Madness.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A spineless dick
A spokesman for the NFL players Association says the owners are not fully disclosing the amount of revenue the NFL receives. A spokesman for the owners disagreed saying they have declared everything except some Unobtanium they got during a pre-season game in Pandora.
The NFL says teams can’t provide the information the union wants as most of the owners have other jobs and they are busy foreclosing on widows and orphans.
Free agent defensive tackle Adriano Belli is deciding whether to play for Toronto or Hamilton. Belli says the teams have offered similar contracts although Toronto has tossed in a few more smackers.
Profanity laced comic Tom Green joined former NHL players on a trip to visit soldiers in Kandahar. The comic was asked to be sensitive to the NHL players as most of them haven’t let out a good string of expletives in years.
Monday was International Women’s Day and the NBA celebrated by having players hook up with women from all over the world. Reports from the communications department say most players were willing to sacrifice themselves for a worthy cause although a few of the players reported they celebrate women every day.
Reports out of the Miami Heat locker room say there were many players crying after the loss to Chicago. The team was brought back to reality when the Cheerleaders came into the room and told them to man up.
Top 5 reasons for NBA players to cry in the locker room
# 5 Not enough groupies for everyone
# 4 Hookers levying a surcharge for babysitters
# 3 Player was just traded to Toronto
# 2 Price of oil is way up and they sold their shares in Exxon
And the #1 reason for NBA players to cry in the locker room
Another baby mommy waiting outside the door
A Canadian Cabinet Minister is being trashed for providing an award certificate on party letterhead to a Chinese restaurant. This is like New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie getting a World’s Greatest Dad T-Shirt from Planned Parenthood.
The Phoenix Coyotes story keeps getting better with the Goldwater Institute threatening to sue if taxpayers’ money is used to help purchase the team. A spokesman for the NHL was upbeat saying the $100 million is not a problem it’s that the parties involved can’t seem to get their Blackberry calendars to synch so they can have a meeting.
Saskatchewan is having a problem with rats, beavers and gophers and has authorized a program to remove or eradicate the rodents. A spokesman for the Calgary Stampeders say they will try to help the next time the Riders come to town and with luck can trap a really big gopher.
A GTA company is one of three companies being sued by Louis Vuitton and Burberry — alleging they are making knock-offs of designer products. They are alleging people copied their hand bags, shopping bags and in the case of Brian Burke, French windbags.
Three-time Canadian pairs figure skating champions Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison are ending their partnership. A spokesman for the pair says they decided to give being single a spin.
Researchers say in a report that lost DNA led human males to have spineless penis and big brains. This is confirmed by most women involved with NBA players who say the men they see are spineless dicks who think they have big brains. Having a spineless penis is a characteristic of humans unlike apes who have a spikey spined penis that allows for more competition among males. This type of penis is used to remove other men’s sperm from females. This is known in the NBA as a rejected shot.
The NFL says teams can’t provide the information the union wants as most of the owners have other jobs and they are busy foreclosing on widows and orphans.
Free agent defensive tackle Adriano Belli is deciding whether to play for Toronto or Hamilton. Belli says the teams have offered similar contracts although Toronto has tossed in a few more smackers.
Profanity laced comic Tom Green joined former NHL players on a trip to visit soldiers in Kandahar. The comic was asked to be sensitive to the NHL players as most of them haven’t let out a good string of expletives in years.
Monday was International Women’s Day and the NBA celebrated by having players hook up with women from all over the world. Reports from the communications department say most players were willing to sacrifice themselves for a worthy cause although a few of the players reported they celebrate women every day.
Reports out of the Miami Heat locker room say there were many players crying after the loss to Chicago. The team was brought back to reality when the Cheerleaders came into the room and told them to man up.
Top 5 reasons for NBA players to cry in the locker room
# 5 Not enough groupies for everyone
# 4 Hookers levying a surcharge for babysitters
# 3 Player was just traded to Toronto
# 2 Price of oil is way up and they sold their shares in Exxon
And the #1 reason for NBA players to cry in the locker room
Another baby mommy waiting outside the door
A Canadian Cabinet Minister is being trashed for providing an award certificate on party letterhead to a Chinese restaurant. This is like New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie getting a World’s Greatest Dad T-Shirt from Planned Parenthood.
The Phoenix Coyotes story keeps getting better with the Goldwater Institute threatening to sue if taxpayers’ money is used to help purchase the team. A spokesman for the NHL was upbeat saying the $100 million is not a problem it’s that the parties involved can’t seem to get their Blackberry calendars to synch so they can have a meeting.
Saskatchewan is having a problem with rats, beavers and gophers and has authorized a program to remove or eradicate the rodents. A spokesman for the Calgary Stampeders say they will try to help the next time the Riders come to town and with luck can trap a really big gopher.
A GTA company is one of three companies being sued by Louis Vuitton and Burberry — alleging they are making knock-offs of designer products. They are alleging people copied their hand bags, shopping bags and in the case of Brian Burke, French windbags.
Three-time Canadian pairs figure skating champions Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison are ending their partnership. A spokesman for the pair says they decided to give being single a spin.
Researchers say in a report that lost DNA led human males to have spineless penis and big brains. This is confirmed by most women involved with NBA players who say the men they see are spineless dicks who think they have big brains. Having a spineless penis is a characteristic of humans unlike apes who have a spikey spined penis that allows for more competition among males. This type of penis is used to remove other men’s sperm from females. This is known in the NBA as a rejected shot.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I be Leaf
Glad I got up early to watch the wall to wall coverage of the NHL trade deadline. I haven’t seen that much suspense since Geraldo Rivera opened up the vault to Al Capone.
In an attempt to keep himself relevant former GM Mike Millbury traded himself to CBC and then CBC sent half his cap hit to TSN for a special to be named later. Like most of Mike’s NHL trades this has a lose/lose feel.
The Calgary Flames were quiet at the trade deadline. I guess when you have slain the Ogre everyone wants to stay and enjoy the spoils.
The NBA doesn’t so much have a trade deadline as a buyout line-up. If this was Wall Street the number of buyouts happening would be reason for a Congressional review.
A group in Texas is attempting to reinstate the use of spanking for severe schoolyard behavior thus legalizing the touchdown or homerun celebration at Little League games.
The PGA Match play event from Arizona was delayed when over an inch of snow covered the course the most snow seen in Arizona since that Freightliner tipped over on the intestate from a Mexican drug run. The toughest part of playing in the snow is keeping your balls warm.
State Farm Insurance is dropping its sponsorship of an LPG event. In a statement an actuary reported “like a good neighbor State Farm will neither a borrower nor a lender be”.
The RCMP is ordering data shredding equipment to destroy hard drives and storage devises. The RCMP feel they are better able to protect the identity of NHL players who are charged with offenses if they can immediately destroy the evidence.
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi insisted to reporters that Libyans love him and would lay down their lives for him. He then went on to say his people love him like NHL fans adore Gary Bettman.
5 members of Cuba’s nation ballet company defected while in Montreal. The dancers say they say what could be when they went to a Montreal Canadians game and saw you don’t have to be big and strong to play in the NHL.
A Hospital in BC was forced to use a Tim Horton’s for patients when they ran out of room. Usually a place named after an NHL tough guy defenseman is more comfortable doubling as a dental office.
An autopsy study of Bob Proberts brain revealed he had degenerative brain injuries which may have been a contributing factor in his early death. A spokesman for the NHL say it is sad but with new rules they can’t see how the NHL can be blamed for incidents in the future. They are concerned about the number of coaches banging their heads on the wall trying to figure out the new rules but it’s a small price to pay.
It looks like the NFL owners and players are headed towards a shutdown of next year’s season. A spokesman for NFL fans was surprisingly calm saying once the 2 minute warning is sounded fans are sure Payton Manning will march down the labour field and get the win.
Top 5 signs the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt
# 5 Stanley cup t-shirts and hats being printed
# 4 Brian Burke now says making playoffs part of his grand plan
# 3 Boston upset their 1st round pick is getting later and later
# 2 Players were recently fitted for Stanley Cup rings
And the #1 sign the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt…
Don Cherry has been updated from annoying to insufferable
In an attempt to keep himself relevant former GM Mike Millbury traded himself to CBC and then CBC sent half his cap hit to TSN for a special to be named later. Like most of Mike’s NHL trades this has a lose/lose feel.
The Calgary Flames were quiet at the trade deadline. I guess when you have slain the Ogre everyone wants to stay and enjoy the spoils.
The NBA doesn’t so much have a trade deadline as a buyout line-up. If this was Wall Street the number of buyouts happening would be reason for a Congressional review.
A group in Texas is attempting to reinstate the use of spanking for severe schoolyard behavior thus legalizing the touchdown or homerun celebration at Little League games.
The PGA Match play event from Arizona was delayed when over an inch of snow covered the course the most snow seen in Arizona since that Freightliner tipped over on the intestate from a Mexican drug run. The toughest part of playing in the snow is keeping your balls warm.
State Farm Insurance is dropping its sponsorship of an LPG event. In a statement an actuary reported “like a good neighbor State Farm will neither a borrower nor a lender be”.
The RCMP is ordering data shredding equipment to destroy hard drives and storage devises. The RCMP feel they are better able to protect the identity of NHL players who are charged with offenses if they can immediately destroy the evidence.
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi insisted to reporters that Libyans love him and would lay down their lives for him. He then went on to say his people love him like NHL fans adore Gary Bettman.
5 members of Cuba’s nation ballet company defected while in Montreal. The dancers say they say what could be when they went to a Montreal Canadians game and saw you don’t have to be big and strong to play in the NHL.
A Hospital in BC was forced to use a Tim Horton’s for patients when they ran out of room. Usually a place named after an NHL tough guy defenseman is more comfortable doubling as a dental office.
An autopsy study of Bob Proberts brain revealed he had degenerative brain injuries which may have been a contributing factor in his early death. A spokesman for the NHL say it is sad but with new rules they can’t see how the NHL can be blamed for incidents in the future. They are concerned about the number of coaches banging their heads on the wall trying to figure out the new rules but it’s a small price to pay.
It looks like the NFL owners and players are headed towards a shutdown of next year’s season. A spokesman for NFL fans was surprisingly calm saying once the 2 minute warning is sounded fans are sure Payton Manning will march down the labour field and get the win.
Top 5 signs the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt
# 5 Stanley cup t-shirts and hats being printed
# 4 Brian Burke now says making playoffs part of his grand plan
# 3 Boston upset their 1st round pick is getting later and later
# 2 Players were recently fitted for Stanley Cup rings
And the #1 sign the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt…
Don Cherry has been updated from annoying to insufferable
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