The Canadian Government is going back to their roots by re-naming the Canadian Military, The Royal Canadian Armed Forces. In an attempt to capture the excitement the Toronto Maple Leafs say they will now refer to GM Brian Burke as the Royal Pain in the Ass.
Quebec police are investigating after a small-town mayor reportedly dumped a gigantic 20 ton boulder onto the lawn of his ex-wife with birthday wishes for her spray painted on the rock. Police are investigating and believe charges may be issued as part of the message was in English thus contravening the Provinces language laws.
The rock is huge and no one remembers seeing one as big since Kobe Bryant apologized to his wife for cheating on her.
The B.C. SPCA is asking for the public's help in identifying two people suspected of dumping three kittens into a garbage can on Vancouver Island. The public is outraged and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. That they leave for the daily dumping on the BC Lions by reporters and fans.
The English Government is promising to conduct war on gangs to combat last week’s riots. This follows other interventions by Briton including the war on terror, war on drugs, and war on gingivitis.
A University of Alberta scientist has figured out a way to transform cattle parts into plastic to offer a potentially profitable alternative to the disposal of all those bits that the mad cow crisis turned into waste. Initial products manufactured with the products will be high demand Alberta items such as Saskatchewan Roughrider hats, flags and foam fingers.
For the first time in franchise history, the Regina Red Sox are the Western Major Baseball League champions. This is the 1st time a team from Regina has won a championship and not used the power of the watermelon.
The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and Canada Safeway are warning the public about a dip that may be contaminated with Listeria. Shoppers are being advised to avoid the dip and spread their money around.
A teenager who tricked hotel guests and restaurant employees to set off fire alarms and sprinkler systems has been convicted under the rarely-used charge of conveying false messages. Lawyers for the boy say they will fight the charge saying if spreading false messages was a crime they would have to arrest everyone involved in the BC Lions Glee Club.
A Vancouver man is fighting a $29 ticket for not wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle, saying the law is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The fight is being paid for by the CFL Players Association who seems to have no problem with players being on the field without their helmets. I want to say the guy is a head but upon further review let’s say he is special.
The Alberta Government is being asked to lift restrictions on prescription pain medication saying it is the least that can be done for Flames and Oilers fans.
Chris Johnston of the Tennessee Titans is holding out saying he wants more than running back money. This contrasts with CFL players who hold out for more than pin money.
The new Spy Kids movie is in 4D which includes a card to scratch and sniff to create a visual sensation. The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a similar concept this year it’s called the playbook and it stinks.
The 84 year old Pope was in Spain this week with youth delegates chanting “this is the Pope of the youth” which is similar to the Calgary Flames signing 32 year old defenseman Scott Hannan and calling it part of their youth movement.
Troubled tech giant RIM is introducing a new music service with the 1st song on offer expected to be the Funeral March.
A woman in Germany has not used money in the last 16 years saying she was able to get by on barter and trade. Her lifestyle is a part of a book she has just written called “Living like a CFL player”
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Sign of the times
It was a tough week for the US President and instead of celebrating his 50th birthday he was accused of having no spine, and being the 1st President to preside over a downgrade of the nation’s credit rating. Bond rating companies were a big part of the reason the last economic calamity occurred and they say when they say you have a lowered credibility it is like a Leafs fan calling you a loser.
Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.
Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.
The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.
It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.
New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.
A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.
Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.
A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.
Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.
Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.
A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.
Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.
A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.
A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.
More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.
Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.
Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.
A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.
Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.
Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.
Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.
Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.
Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.
Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.
There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.
According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”
The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.
The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.
Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.
Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.
The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.
It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.
New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.
A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.
Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.
A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.
Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.
Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.
A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.
Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.
A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.
A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.
More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.
Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.
Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.
A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.
Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.
Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.
Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.
Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.
Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.
Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.
There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.
According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”
The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.
The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tossing rookies under the bus
2011 NFL Labour Lockout/ Lawsuits/ Deal/Agreement/Capitulation Highlights
After tying up negotiations with a lawsuit QB’s from the plaintiffs may initially be reluctant to take to the field and 15 yards is probably not enough of a penalty for roughing the passer
The biggest haircut was to the service industry where the price of priceless hair has remained like the chemicals they use… stagnant.
Rookies were shown how easy negotiations can be with NFL owners creating an unusually small revenue stream for sycophants, knob polishers and agents. What the rookies learned was to hire a lawyer and they will do it all.
Most segments of the sycophant industry are reporting huge decreases year over year. The new labour deal creates an amendment to the contract binding future litigants to a trickled on style of arbitration. That’s where the ones with money, owners, piss on the pile of money in question, spend it and eventually everyone will touch some of the money. Not a trickle down model more a tinkled on theory.
The contract has resulted in a new locker-room taunt for NFL rookies. “Hope you got a lot of guaranteed money”. This replaces the previous chant to an NFL rookie “You’re paying”.
Randy Moss retired and as a person who satirizes professional sport I thought “finally!” As a joke creator he was unparalleled. Who can write funnier shit than the stuff that came out of his mouth?
Often traded DL Albert Haynsworth reported for training camp and was asked how he was dealing with putting on different colors again, to which he replied I want to go back to McDonalds.
Payton Manning gave up $2 million a year to play in Indianapolis for the Colts. A survey among retired QB’s revealed, when asked if they would have considered giving up $2 million to play for a former team, revealed the number 1 response was “When was that?” Compared to giving up your health, memory and hope a couple of million isn’t that big a deal.
The NFL is trying to counteract the popularity of gangstra/guns messages of many of the players. Commissioner Roger Gödel has a new Yutube he hopes will go viral titled Drive by Moneying in which he tries to smother the Urban demographic with advertising glorifying the violence making money while driving out of Town, with the money and returning in 2 weeks for more. I think the director is Ludacris… or some crisis.
Did Chris Chelios get elected to the USA Hockey Hall of Fame as a player or an inventor?
The movie Planet of the Apes is origins take on a genetically and pharmacologically enhanced Primates flick from the ‘70’s. The Primates then form together creating a super species and is based on actual stories from College Football Try-Outs.
A disturbing new fad is the so called “flashrob” where people get together on social media sites and mob a store to rob it. Crime experts see it as a combination of “flashmobs” from social media and free agency in that the mobs go where there is money, owners are powerless to prevent them from getting everything and for the paying customer, it will take a while to re-stock the shelves.
Chad Ochocinco says he could beat Canadian MMA star Georges St. Pierre in a fight, but I’m guessing if Chad got into the ring at the end he would be calling himself OUCHocinco.
Alex Rodriguez is being investigated by the MLB after allegations he has been involved in underground poker games. The evidence came to light when MLB was shown pictures of Alex constantly walking around without a top leading to speculation he is losing his shirt. Are we really surprised Alex is being investigated for poke her?
The NDP is being criticized for appointing a former member of a separatist party to be their interim leader. To me the critique is overdone I mean if LeBron can take his talent to South Beach why should party leaders be held to a different standard in Quebec? Politics is all a game there.
Big shout out to Edward Kay who was a driving force in creating The Heart of Laughter featuring some confused comedy teacher. Edward had his children’s show, Jimmy Two Shoes, nominated for a Gemini Award… Go Edward! Can’t wait to see you in a Tux!
After tying up negotiations with a lawsuit QB’s from the plaintiffs may initially be reluctant to take to the field and 15 yards is probably not enough of a penalty for roughing the passer
The biggest haircut was to the service industry where the price of priceless hair has remained like the chemicals they use… stagnant.
Rookies were shown how easy negotiations can be with NFL owners creating an unusually small revenue stream for sycophants, knob polishers and agents. What the rookies learned was to hire a lawyer and they will do it all.
Most segments of the sycophant industry are reporting huge decreases year over year. The new labour deal creates an amendment to the contract binding future litigants to a trickled on style of arbitration. That’s where the ones with money, owners, piss on the pile of money in question, spend it and eventually everyone will touch some of the money. Not a trickle down model more a tinkled on theory.
The contract has resulted in a new locker-room taunt for NFL rookies. “Hope you got a lot of guaranteed money”. This replaces the previous chant to an NFL rookie “You’re paying”.
Randy Moss retired and as a person who satirizes professional sport I thought “finally!” As a joke creator he was unparalleled. Who can write funnier shit than the stuff that came out of his mouth?
Often traded DL Albert Haynsworth reported for training camp and was asked how he was dealing with putting on different colors again, to which he replied I want to go back to McDonalds.
Payton Manning gave up $2 million a year to play in Indianapolis for the Colts. A survey among retired QB’s revealed, when asked if they would have considered giving up $2 million to play for a former team, revealed the number 1 response was “When was that?” Compared to giving up your health, memory and hope a couple of million isn’t that big a deal.
The NFL is trying to counteract the popularity of gangstra/guns messages of many of the players. Commissioner Roger Gödel has a new Yutube he hopes will go viral titled Drive by Moneying in which he tries to smother the Urban demographic with advertising glorifying the violence making money while driving out of Town, with the money and returning in 2 weeks for more. I think the director is Ludacris… or some crisis.
Did Chris Chelios get elected to the USA Hockey Hall of Fame as a player or an inventor?
The movie Planet of the Apes is origins take on a genetically and pharmacologically enhanced Primates flick from the ‘70’s. The Primates then form together creating a super species and is based on actual stories from College Football Try-Outs.
A disturbing new fad is the so called “flashrob” where people get together on social media sites and mob a store to rob it. Crime experts see it as a combination of “flashmobs” from social media and free agency in that the mobs go where there is money, owners are powerless to prevent them from getting everything and for the paying customer, it will take a while to re-stock the shelves.
Chad Ochocinco says he could beat Canadian MMA star Georges St. Pierre in a fight, but I’m guessing if Chad got into the ring at the end he would be calling himself OUCHocinco.
Alex Rodriguez is being investigated by the MLB after allegations he has been involved in underground poker games. The evidence came to light when MLB was shown pictures of Alex constantly walking around without a top leading to speculation he is losing his shirt. Are we really surprised Alex is being investigated for poke her?
The NDP is being criticized for appointing a former member of a separatist party to be their interim leader. To me the critique is overdone I mean if LeBron can take his talent to South Beach why should party leaders be held to a different standard in Quebec? Politics is all a game there.
Big shout out to Edward Kay who was a driving force in creating The Heart of Laughter featuring some confused comedy teacher. Edward had his children’s show, Jimmy Two Shoes, nominated for a Gemini Award… Go Edward! Can’t wait to see you in a Tux!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Montreal Time
Montreal Alouette fans are the only ones in North America that cheer loudest when their team challenges a ruling.
It might be a French thing but the last minute of the Saskatchewan-Montreal game with the Alouettes trying to pull off a miracle, lasted 23 plays, with Saskatchewan finally running out the clock after it was obvious Montreal was out of hope. The last 3 plays were like a Montreal beauty 36-24-36. 36 seconds left and Montreal turns over the ball. 24 seconds left when Saskatchewan turns over the ball and 36 seconds suddenly left, again, for Montreal to try and score.
The biggest losers in the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be rookies who are now subject to a salary cap. This means most College players will now need at least 6 games under their belt before they can pay back all the “loans” from College “recruiters”.
The wife of Rupert Murdoch, Wendi Deng, leaped to his defense and thwarted a rush from an oncoming protester trying to hit her husband with a pie. Asked to comment battered and bruised Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce thought his running backs could learn how to pick up the blitz from her.
A new study says men cheat on their partners for certain reasons such as being a risk taker, are easily aroused or they are taking an NBA road trip. Women cheat mostly because the guy they are with is taking NBA road trips.
3 people in Regina have been charged with operating a sophisticated marijuana grow operation by planting the pot between a crop of watermelons. Police say the 3 will be charged with trafficking, distributing and failure to produce enough watermelon helmets for the game against Calgary.
Brains of former CFL players have been donated to the Canadian Sports Concussion Project and a pattern has emerged with those players most likely to have damage graduating from the School of Hard Knocks.
Toronto is considering turning their Library over to private interests and in keeping with the Cities new green energy policies will burn all the environmental books to power a fan to keep the Mayor from sweating on everyone.
Calgary is looking to expand their home sharing plan where seniors live with a student to include seniors living with a health care worker. The expansion came about when a survey found most of the seniors play for the Calgary Flames and need special medical attention.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft took a shot at Washington by saying if the NFL can come to a deal on a collective bargaining agreement they should be able to do something on the debt ceiling. Both negotiations revolve around rookies with the NFL throwing their new players under the bus to get an agreement and Washington Tea Party rookies prepared to throw their country off the cliff to destroy any chance of getting one.
A Pastor in the US while giving a blessing to a NASCAR race thanked God for his “Smoking Hot Wife” which was followed by an awkward moment when the Pit Crews all chimed in “Amen”. Good thing the Pastor wasn’t Catholic or he would have been thanking God for the smoking hot young male peanut vendors.
A report out of Philadelphia says former Flyers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter were traded because of their drinking problems. The report is being denied by the players although fans of the Flyers figure someone was drunk when the trades happened.
This is not the 1st time this year an NHL team has been accused of drinking heavily with the last one being a GM who was considering signing Alexi Yashin to another contract.
Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach says the Province cannot give money to private business because they can’t appear to be picking winners, which is why they are giving $100 million to the Edmonton Oilers. Ed says no one can accuse the Oilers of being winners.
GE is sending their X-Ray business to China but they say they will use the tax breaks fought for by Tea Party members to see if they can find US jobs.
The US soccer association fired men’s coach Bob Bradley after a couple of poor results. Bradley says he was disappointed by the decision but will use his lack of success and scoring to make a run for Congress.
The Republican Party is deeply divided on what to do with the debt crisis. Tea Party members want the country to go bankrupt while the more moderate members want to give everyone a gun and let God figure it out.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wants to cut all cultural services to balance the city’s budget. Ford says with the Jays, Leafs and Raptors Toronto has all the culture a World Class City needs.
The City of Edmonton is replacing all its 98,000 traditional street lights with high-efficiency LED lighting in an effort to save money. The city will now have dim bulbs in both the street and running their beloved Oilers.
It might be a French thing but the last minute of the Saskatchewan-Montreal game with the Alouettes trying to pull off a miracle, lasted 23 plays, with Saskatchewan finally running out the clock after it was obvious Montreal was out of hope. The last 3 plays were like a Montreal beauty 36-24-36. 36 seconds left and Montreal turns over the ball. 24 seconds left when Saskatchewan turns over the ball and 36 seconds suddenly left, again, for Montreal to try and score.
The biggest losers in the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be rookies who are now subject to a salary cap. This means most College players will now need at least 6 games under their belt before they can pay back all the “loans” from College “recruiters”.
The wife of Rupert Murdoch, Wendi Deng, leaped to his defense and thwarted a rush from an oncoming protester trying to hit her husband with a pie. Asked to comment battered and bruised Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce thought his running backs could learn how to pick up the blitz from her.
A new study says men cheat on their partners for certain reasons such as being a risk taker, are easily aroused or they are taking an NBA road trip. Women cheat mostly because the guy they are with is taking NBA road trips.
3 people in Regina have been charged with operating a sophisticated marijuana grow operation by planting the pot between a crop of watermelons. Police say the 3 will be charged with trafficking, distributing and failure to produce enough watermelon helmets for the game against Calgary.
Brains of former CFL players have been donated to the Canadian Sports Concussion Project and a pattern has emerged with those players most likely to have damage graduating from the School of Hard Knocks.
Toronto is considering turning their Library over to private interests and in keeping with the Cities new green energy policies will burn all the environmental books to power a fan to keep the Mayor from sweating on everyone.
Calgary is looking to expand their home sharing plan where seniors live with a student to include seniors living with a health care worker. The expansion came about when a survey found most of the seniors play for the Calgary Flames and need special medical attention.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft took a shot at Washington by saying if the NFL can come to a deal on a collective bargaining agreement they should be able to do something on the debt ceiling. Both negotiations revolve around rookies with the NFL throwing their new players under the bus to get an agreement and Washington Tea Party rookies prepared to throw their country off the cliff to destroy any chance of getting one.
A Pastor in the US while giving a blessing to a NASCAR race thanked God for his “Smoking Hot Wife” which was followed by an awkward moment when the Pit Crews all chimed in “Amen”. Good thing the Pastor wasn’t Catholic or he would have been thanking God for the smoking hot young male peanut vendors.
A report out of Philadelphia says former Flyers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter were traded because of their drinking problems. The report is being denied by the players although fans of the Flyers figure someone was drunk when the trades happened.
This is not the 1st time this year an NHL team has been accused of drinking heavily with the last one being a GM who was considering signing Alexi Yashin to another contract.
Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach says the Province cannot give money to private business because they can’t appear to be picking winners, which is why they are giving $100 million to the Edmonton Oilers. Ed says no one can accuse the Oilers of being winners.
GE is sending their X-Ray business to China but they say they will use the tax breaks fought for by Tea Party members to see if they can find US jobs.
The US soccer association fired men’s coach Bob Bradley after a couple of poor results. Bradley says he was disappointed by the decision but will use his lack of success and scoring to make a run for Congress.
The Republican Party is deeply divided on what to do with the debt crisis. Tea Party members want the country to go bankrupt while the more moderate members want to give everyone a gun and let God figure it out.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wants to cut all cultural services to balance the city’s budget. Ford says with the Jays, Leafs and Raptors Toronto has all the culture a World Class City needs.
The City of Edmonton is replacing all its 98,000 traditional street lights with high-efficiency LED lighting in an effort to save money. The city will now have dim bulbs in both the street and running their beloved Oilers.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Raising the ceiling
The United States is riveted by the negotiations to raise the debt ceiling with all sides hoping the NFL can come to an agreement on rookie salaries.
NFL owners and players are close to a deal that would end the lockout and Commissioner Roger Goddell says they should be ready to practice next week, begin contracts before that and, he will start fining players as soon as humanly possible.
The Alberta PC’s are picking a new leader with the hopefuls busy distancing themselves from the horrible atrocities committed by former Premier Ed Stelmach, all committed while the candidates were in some way responsible, accountable and a part of the mess. This is also known in sporting language as the Leafs getting a new GM.
Hacking has become a worldwide problem with the lives and secrets of famous and successful individuals under constant attack. Researchers studying the phenomenon say the choices are to accept the hacks and guard your communications, to acquire costly anti-hack protection, or go off grid and play for the Phoenix Coyotes.
Remember the good old days when most hacks were sportswriters and you could get rid of them by leaving your drink and pretending to go to the bathroom?
Three Canadians have earned spots in the upcoming Toronto Open. Officials feel the presence of the Canadians will hopefully double the expected TV audience.
Record rains in the Prairies have devastated specialty crops such as peas, squash and watermelons. Spokesmen for the Watermelon Crops Growers say they will still be able to supply demand for salads and picnics as there is not the demand from Saskatchewan Roughrider fans this year. Wearing a watermelon on your head is a lot more popular when your team is not getting their ass kicked.
NFL owners and players are close to a deal that would end the lockout and Commissioner Roger Goddell says they should be ready to practice next week, begin contracts before that and, he will start fining players as soon as humanly possible.
The Alberta PC’s are picking a new leader with the hopefuls busy distancing themselves from the horrible atrocities committed by former Premier Ed Stelmach, all committed while the candidates were in some way responsible, accountable and a part of the mess. This is also known in sporting language as the Leafs getting a new GM.
Hacking has become a worldwide problem with the lives and secrets of famous and successful individuals under constant attack. Researchers studying the phenomenon say the choices are to accept the hacks and guard your communications, to acquire costly anti-hack protection, or go off grid and play for the Phoenix Coyotes.
Remember the good old days when most hacks were sportswriters and you could get rid of them by leaving your drink and pretending to go to the bathroom?
Three Canadians have earned spots in the upcoming Toronto Open. Officials feel the presence of the Canadians will hopefully double the expected TV audience.
Record rains in the Prairies have devastated specialty crops such as peas, squash and watermelons. Spokesmen for the Watermelon Crops Growers say they will still be able to supply demand for salads and picnics as there is not the demand from Saskatchewan Roughrider fans this year. Wearing a watermelon on your head is a lot more popular when your team is not getting their ass kicked.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells
Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells
In order to go forward, we sometimes need to look at the past. This is depressingly true of most aspects in life, but more so in comedy. If I was to ask (and have) comics what they thought of the Dumbbells comics would say most Club managers were doing the best they could... Rim Shot!
In order to go forward, we sometimes need to look at the past. This is depressingly true of most aspects in life, but more so in comedy. If I was to ask (and have) comics what they thought of the Dumbbells comics would say most Club managers were doing the best they could... Rim Shot!
With the return from Afghanistan my deeply rooted connection to Canadian troops in war is filled with pride of Canadian success, sorrowed by the scandal of others, and hoping they find a peace after the conflict. The Canadian sense of humour we currently enjoy and sometimes trample to death in politically correct backlashes, started in WWI with the Dumbbells.
The Dumbbells were Canada’s 1st official attempt at putting fools clowns, and singers in charge of morale at the front line. Previously they were called “Officers”... Rim Shot! The Dumbbells called themselves a Concert Party, probably the most ironic name for a Tour since Cher’s initial “Farewell Concert” of the late ‘90’s. A Concert Party with the Dumbbells was close to the front line, had elements of comedy, and song, knew how to catch applause and when needed shrapnel. The Dumbbells were like most branches of the military, deployed in waves, the 1st of which consisted of…
Merton Plunkett, managing director and comedian
Albert Plunkett a baritone
Ted Charters, assistant manager and comedian
Ross Hamilton ('Marjorie') female impersonator
Allan Murray ('Marie from Montreal') female impersonator
Jack Ayre, pianist and music director
Bill Tennent, tenor
Bert Langley, bass baritone
Frank (later Jerry) Brayford actor
Leonard Young actor
The Dumbbells were Canada’s 1st official attempt at putting fools clowns, and singers in charge of morale at the front line. Previously they were called “Officers”... Rim Shot! The Dumbbells called themselves a Concert Party, probably the most ironic name for a Tour since Cher’s initial “Farewell Concert” of the late ‘90’s. A Concert Party with the Dumbbells was close to the front line, had elements of comedy, and song, knew how to catch applause and when needed shrapnel. The Dumbbells were like most branches of the military, deployed in waves, the 1st of which consisted of…
Merton Plunkett, managing director and comedian
Albert Plunkett a baritone
Ted Charters, assistant manager and comedian
Ross Hamilton ('Marjorie') female impersonator
Allan Murray ('Marie from Montreal') female impersonator
Jack Ayre, pianist and music director
Bill Tennent, tenor
Bert Langley, bass baritone
Frank (later Jerry) Brayford actor
Leonard Young actor
The second wave added Bill Redpath, Elmer Belding, George Thorne, Andrew Catrano, J. McCormick, and D.L. Michie. From this group came the beginnings of the Canadian sense of humour… eh.
Unlike other more publicized entertainment from the World Wars the Dumbbells are an afterthought in Canadian history books, if they are even mentioned. They probably wouldn’t want it any other way. The Dumbbells were skilled at taking the harsh realities of life in the trenches of WWI and making it funny. Songs like 'These Wild, Wild Women Are Making a Wild Man of Me' and 'I Know Where the Flies Go', 'Hello My Dearie' (a duet by Hamilton as “Marjorie” and Tennent) and, 'Someday I'll Make You Love Me' (Hamilton as ”Marjorie”). The fly song of all others summed up the spirit of the Concert Parties in the hilarious twist on a psychologically numbing reality of flies in the trenches. Would have been amazing to see them in person… Oh to be a fly on the wall… sorry.
The jokes of the Dumbbells spread faster than malaria on a gangrened hand. The comedy they created and encouraged, fuelled what has become the Canadian sense of humour. This is to laugh in the face of death and things that are worse.
If you are a comic, Canadian or happy to have the troops home, learn about the comic history of Canada’s Military. http://bit.ly/nI3DPc
Unlike other more publicized entertainment from the World Wars the Dumbbells are an afterthought in Canadian history books, if they are even mentioned. They probably wouldn’t want it any other way. The Dumbbells were skilled at taking the harsh realities of life in the trenches of WWI and making it funny. Songs like 'These Wild, Wild Women Are Making a Wild Man of Me' and 'I Know Where the Flies Go', 'Hello My Dearie' (a duet by Hamilton as “Marjorie” and Tennent) and, 'Someday I'll Make You Love Me' (Hamilton as ”Marjorie”). The fly song of all others summed up the spirit of the Concert Parties in the hilarious twist on a psychologically numbing reality of flies in the trenches. Would have been amazing to see them in person… Oh to be a fly on the wall… sorry.
The jokes of the Dumbbells spread faster than malaria on a gangrened hand. The comedy they created and encouraged, fuelled what has become the Canadian sense of humour. This is to laugh in the face of death and things that are worse.
If you are a comic, Canadian or happy to have the troops home, learn about the comic history of Canada’s Military. http://bit.ly/nI3DPc
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tiger clearly seen
I was just turning 40 and watching the bloom fade from my youth and then along came Tiger. Tiger was about to redefine everything we knew about the game of the elderly. The game I was being moved into by father time. I saw golf getting sexy and I could play it, not Tiger like in any way, but who could?
His fall from grace and pinnacle was spectacular. The puns are hilarious, not a good sign. As a piece of comic advice never do anything that can be turned into a pun. Ask Congressman Weiner. Has he lost his stroke? The Tail of Tiger. Penalized for too many holes in one. No need to go further.
In all of the scandal no one is asking the questions. Was Tiger bred, trained and medicated for optimum golf performance. It looks like from all accounts of Tigers parentage his father, Earl did exercise, encourage and promote his son's talent, so yes to trained. Tigers mom said Earl asked what her handicap was so yes to breeding. As a side not she later revised her answer to say her handicap was picking faithful husbands. Tiger was able at 19, to hit it farther, higher and longer than anyone had ever seen. And his golf game was pretty good too.
Tiger transcended barriers and our adoration fuelled him to unparalleled accomplishments with not only a Championships and Majors but a Trophy Wife as well. And now we find out he was doing it with 10-40 ongoing flings. Why are we punishing this guy again? Envy? Oh yeah he is black and broke down preconceived notions of race in Golf. I think he was even allowed in as the Member of Augustus.
I want to let it go but I can't get over how strikingly similar the traits Tiger had, in golf anyway, were remarkably like those of athletes who have testified about use. The focus is on baseball of course with Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Aderly De La Cruz recently being investigated. Football has given up and agreed the average linebacker should be 300 lbs with a 23 inch waist. The Olympics have created their own Drug Testing Events and the Tour de France is also investigating the blood of drivers in cars.
I hate to pile on when someone is down, although I have heard it cost $1500 and is quite refreshing, it seems to make sense that we start asking questions about the stars of golf. I know with advances in technology even the average player can get more wood on it and also hit the ball farther. Tiger was on the leading edge of most technological breakthroughs in dimple design, stroke speed and grip but his help with golfing equipment breakthroughs was down right scary. His length alone... sorry.
Tiger and other athletes visited the clinic of a Canadian doctor for treatment. Think of that, a Canadian Doctor. The Doctor happened to specialize in human growth hormone injections, unique urine samples and creams but that is not important. Tiger saw a Canadian Doctor and thus put his stamp of approval on Socialized Medicine. The guy is on drugs.
Here's the thing, like President Obama said we have to eat our peas. Have the investigation, the trial could be in winter at a resort somewhere, and get as much out as the human condition allows. When it is time for moral action it won't amount to more than a couple of minutes. By then the new breed of Tigers can start training.
His fall from grace and pinnacle was spectacular. The puns are hilarious, not a good sign. As a piece of comic advice never do anything that can be turned into a pun. Ask Congressman Weiner. Has he lost his stroke? The Tail of Tiger. Penalized for too many holes in one. No need to go further.
In all of the scandal no one is asking the questions. Was Tiger bred, trained and medicated for optimum golf performance. It looks like from all accounts of Tigers parentage his father, Earl did exercise, encourage and promote his son's talent, so yes to trained. Tigers mom said Earl asked what her handicap was so yes to breeding. As a side not she later revised her answer to say her handicap was picking faithful husbands. Tiger was able at 19, to hit it farther, higher and longer than anyone had ever seen. And his golf game was pretty good too.
Tiger transcended barriers and our adoration fuelled him to unparalleled accomplishments with not only a Championships and Majors but a Trophy Wife as well. And now we find out he was doing it with 10-40 ongoing flings. Why are we punishing this guy again? Envy? Oh yeah he is black and broke down preconceived notions of race in Golf. I think he was even allowed in as the Member of Augustus.
I want to let it go but I can't get over how strikingly similar the traits Tiger had, in golf anyway, were remarkably like those of athletes who have testified about use. The focus is on baseball of course with Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Aderly De La Cruz recently being investigated. Football has given up and agreed the average linebacker should be 300 lbs with a 23 inch waist. The Olympics have created their own Drug Testing Events and the Tour de France is also investigating the blood of drivers in cars.
I hate to pile on when someone is down, although I have heard it cost $1500 and is quite refreshing, it seems to make sense that we start asking questions about the stars of golf. I know with advances in technology even the average player can get more wood on it and also hit the ball farther. Tiger was on the leading edge of most technological breakthroughs in dimple design, stroke speed and grip but his help with golfing equipment breakthroughs was down right scary. His length alone... sorry.
Tiger and other athletes visited the clinic of a Canadian doctor for treatment. Think of that, a Canadian Doctor. The Doctor happened to specialize in human growth hormone injections, unique urine samples and creams but that is not important. Tiger saw a Canadian Doctor and thus put his stamp of approval on Socialized Medicine. The guy is on drugs.
Here's the thing, like President Obama said we have to eat our peas. Have the investigation, the trial could be in winter at a resort somewhere, and get as much out as the human condition allows. When it is time for moral action it won't amount to more than a couple of minutes. By then the new breed of Tigers can start training.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
