Ugly is as ugly dates

NY Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera was injured and is out for the season after a freak pre-game shagging flies accident. It is the 1^st shagging incident in Yankee history to not be treated by penicillin.

Daryl Sutter has the LA Kings one step closer to the Stanley Cup finals. This is being met with a collective “who?” from dedicate Calgary Flames fans.

Next year the Flames might be watching Daryl and Brent Sutter meet in the playoffs, or as it is called in Calgary “Crap!”

The Phoenix Coyotes are in talks with another suitor to buy the team. Tentative terms have not been released but the Glendale City Council says they seem to meet their demands, people breathing in the seats.

Boy the after-after party for the Nashville Predators might be a little awkward.

The Washington Redskins have announced #2 overall pick RG3 will be their starting QB. In a carefully worded statement the teams says they chose another QB Kirk Cousins in the draft because his girlfriend was prettier. This followed standard scouting practices that an ugly girlfriend means you have no confidence. In the rookie camp RG3 showed up with a hottie, thus alleviating the concern.

Two gymnastics judges have been banned from the London Olympics by a disciplinary panel investigating mistakes during the women's event at last fall's world championships. The judges were inadvertently giving points for artistic merit to gymnasts who had not even offered a single bribe. The oversight has been corrected.

The Vancouver Canucks resolved the status of general manager Mike Gillis on Monday and moved closer to determining coach Alain Vigneault's future. Sources say Vigneaults contract will be extended, made of iron clad agreements and open to his quick removal.

Canadian world hockey captain Ryan Getzlaf was flabbergasted after being linked to an incident at a Helsinki bar by Finnish media outlets. Getzlaf says rumours of drinking, arguing and swearing were totally overblown, adding were just discussing the Nashville Predators response to players drinking, arguing and swearing in a bar.

Two employees at a Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ont., were involved in a different type of labour today — they suddenly found themselves having to help a woman give birth in one of the washrooms. The employees were shocked when the woman decided to name the twins born to her Double and Double Double.

The provincial government has introduced legislation to regulate boxing, kick-boxing and mixed martial arts events across B.C. The bill is known as the kicking, gouging, biting and slapping outside the Legislature amendment and will be law once the backroom scuffles are finished.

Toronto's mayor refused to speak to reporters on Tuesday during a very brief photo opportunity outside his office inside City Hall. Citizens of Toronto hope the Toronto Maple Leafs GM will show the same pity on Torontonians for the summer.

Waving the Right Flag

Former CFL wide receiver Brad Smith will be the 1st contestant on The Bachelor Canada TV Show. The show has a nod to the CFL when Smith takes his picks to McDonalds and a walk thru a park as his dream date.

This is the 1st time a female from a reality TV show can truthfully answer "I love him for more than his money".

The playoff success of the Phoenix Coyotes has players and executives excited for the future. A spokesman for the team says players can now upgrade their living arrangements from daily Hotel to monthly Condo. Officials are excited by the increased revenue from the post season. In particular the white flags of surrender have been turned into a "white out" fan towel that sell for $60.00 in souvenir shops. If any are left over the towels can be used to pack the dishes for the move to Quebec City.

Andy Pettitte took to the stand against Roger Clemmens and told the court he heard Roger say HGH would help him recover. This is ironic because since refusing to say he took HGH, Roger's career has never recovered. The next day in cross examination Pettitte said he might have been mistaken and Clemmens could have said something less controversial like "PCP help you recover". 

Nashville Predators coach Barry Trotz has a difficult decision to make. Does he restore forwards Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitsyn after they were sat out for drinking late at night and the team won, or does he take the high road?  The players plan to star in the new vodka commercial "Smirnoff when you want to put your career on ice".

The California Angels say they are not concerned Alex Pujols has not hit a home run despite paying $250 million for his services. A team spokesman says most of the money has already been recovered by selling the rights to the movie. Execs say it will make the Titanic look like a leaky rowboat.

Los Angles Lakers suspended forward Metta World Peace will be a guest on Conan to explain his recent elbow to the head of  James Harden of the Oklahoma Thunder. Peace says he had other offers most notably from the David Letterman show to perform a stupid human hit.

Call that a riot?

The Rest of Canada was asked what they thought of the Vancouver Canucks losing out and most agreed. “What a riot!”

The cities of Calgary and Edmonton were not mentioned once during the Alberta election debate. It felt like we were watching coverage of NHL playoffs.

All we are saying… is give Metta World Peace a chance… and he’ll give you the irony of his name.

All of the Pollsters in the Alberta election got had their predictions wrong forcing some to other business opportunities like predicting NHL playoff outcomes.

Toronto's chief medical officer of health says speed limits in the city need to be lower — much lower. The chief say if we can take 9 years to build a competitive hockey team then taking it easy on the road shouldn’t be such a problem.

The Insurance Corporation of B.C. has applied to have its services declared essential in a bid to block possible strike action by unionized staff. The Corporations says insurance is critical to BC especially those that bet the farm on the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup.

Saskatchewan Government Insurance has quietly cancelled its green rebate for people who drive environmentally friendly cars. The rebate was originally intended to foster the use of alternative fuels…like used watermelon helmets.

The Greater Toronto Area was at a standstill after a late, late spring snowstorm added almost 6” of white stuff. This is the biggest unscheduled dump of white stuff to cover Toronto since 1995 when the NBA Draft was held at SkyDome.

University students in Quebec are rioting, destroying property and clashing with Police. The Rioters say they have no real grievances they just want to stay in shape in case the Montreal Canadians reach the playoffs next year.

Bengal Bungle

In year-end interviews management for both the Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers had the same thing to say "How about that election?"

The US Secret Service is in a scandal after 11 members were sent home from Columbia after a $47 bill was not paid for a prostitute. Reaction from the NBA was quick and decisive... they scheduled next years All Star game for Columbia and paid the tab up front.

The US soccer team unveiled their new uniform featuring a prison stripe pattern. They have been condemned by the Cincinnati Bengals who say that is a copyright infringement of their 3rd jersey

Police in Vancouver are bracing for a riot if the Canucks lose in their 1st round match against Los Angles. A spokesman says they hope everyone will put down the Bud light and just light up some BC Bud and chill.

A B.C. father has refused to pay a $1,400 bill received from Rogers after his teenage son was charged for sending hundreds of texts, despite a contract that includes unlimited texting in Canada. The father was incensed saying most of the texts were just harmless OMG & WTF? to friends watching the Canucks pay.

The NHL is handing out a record number of penalties during this years playoffs. A spokesman says there is no truth to the rumours the fines are going to buy tickets to the Phoenix Coyotes games and the 1/2 full building and reports of a sell out are just "speculation"

Kick Back and enjoy the Playoffs

With all the high sticking, roughing and cheap shots people in Alberta are being treated to NHL playoff action from their politicians in the election campaign

With Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Toronto and Montreal watching the NHL p[layoffs from the sidelines maybe we should go back to calling Lacrosse our National Game.

At this point in the Baseball season the Toronto Blue Jays have won more games than the Toronto Maple Leafs did all year.

Police reported numerous small fires and dozens of arrests near Kentucky's campus after the Wildcats defeated Kansas on Monday night to capture another NCAA title. Asked to rate the riot Police say it was between a Montreal Canadians 1^st round defeat and a Vancouver Canucks loss in the finals.

The penny is being taken out of circulation which was expected to be difficult for CFL players. However a spokesman for the owners says they can still nickel and dime the players.

People in Price George were given free rides on transit to deal with the overwhelming dust. This is the second time citizens in Prince George has been given a free ride. The other was when they played the Kamloops Blazers in the 2007 playoffs.

The Canadian Mint will be introducing the Mint Chip a form of on line money in the near future. In response the CFL issued a press release saying they are in the lead on this as they have been paying players virtually no money for years.

A story that came out during the Masters accused Tiger Woods of ignoring his half siblings both physically and financially including one who has a life threatening illness. A spokesman for Tiger was adamant that Tiger owes them nothing more than to play great golf and be an Ambassador for the game.

Both the Pittsburgh Penguins and Philadelphia Flyers are predicting their series will be a bloodbath. Really do we still have to use such antiquated terms in the 21st century? I mean who takes a bath anymore?

Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender James Reimer was relieved to find out his injury was neck related. All along he suspected it might be from the knives being stuck in his back.

Facebook is buying the Technology Company Instagram for $1billion. The service allows people to take photos on their cellphone and add retro touches to the images. They have found a niche market in Canada where NHL teams take their team photo and retro the look to the last time they were in the playoffs.

Quebec City is still considering how they will build their new arena. A spokesman for the contracting company says now that the NHL playoffs have begun they will just Kick Back and see.

Now that the Toronto Maple Leafs have been sold by the Teachers’ Pension Plan players will no longer have to go to school and apologize for missing the playoffs during show and tell.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has once again cancelled his weekly weigh-in, with the target of losing 50 lbs. by summer.  Speculation is rife he will pull a Maple Leaf and admit the goal was too lofty.

New rules quietly introduced through Vancouver's city hall ban bagpipes, bongos and other percussion instruments from the city's street busking program. Officials say the only thing in Vancouver that is allowed to blow this Spring is the Vancouver Canucks goaltending.

Judas another day in the NFL

Now that Peyton Manning is with the Denver Bronco’s word is out they are willing to sell Tim Tebow for 30 pieces of silver. Rumour has it the Broncos would sell Tebow in a New York minutes

It seems there is no truth to the rumour Duke University is changing its name to the Blew it Devils.

There was a controversy in Alberta when the bus that was to carry Wildrose leader Danielle Smith was revealed showing her picture with the rear tires making a good impression of her breasts. The bus was going to be reworked until every Major Junior Hockey team stated bidding on it.

Two busloads of students were escorted to a police station in Candiac, Quebec Tuesday after an hour-long demonstration blocked an access ramp to the busy Champlain Bridge into Montreal. The students will be charged with loitering and impersonating the Montreal Canadians.

A poll of Canadians has found a majority think Albertans are “smug” and “uncaring”. Asked to comment Daryl Sutter the Alberta born Coach of the LA Kings replied “Whatever”.  The poll result was a surprise to Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who said Albertans seemed normal.

Calgary's first poet laureate was announced at a ceremony Monday at city hall. In keeping with the perception of Albertans as “smug” and “uncaring” his first poem as the new laureate was titled “Get off my Lawn”

In an effort to start getting a better return in their trades the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they hired Sheldon Smithens and Scott Cozens, the Canadian Pickers, to look for gems at this year’s NHL Draft.  The report is being met with outrage from LA Kings Coach Daryl Sutter who has sued for trademark infringement saying when he was GM picking antiques was his job.

Canadian consumers are being warned to avoid 135 frozen beef products, with brands ranging from President's Choice to Irresistibles to Lick's being recalled because they may be contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The only Presidents Choice to make customers sicker was when the Montreal Canadians President Geoff Molson hired unilingual Coach Randy Cunneyworth.

Much Madness

Calgary Flames winger Curtis Glencross has scored 25 goals and is being paid $2.5 million a year which GM Brent Sutter says is due to him taking a home team discount. Toronto Maple Leafs Michael Grabovski has scored 21 goals and signed a contract for $5.5 million which GM Brian Burke says was a visiting team bonus.

Tough year for NHL coaches with Lindsay Ruff out 2 weeks after breaking ribs, Todd McLellan spent a month with a concussion and Don Cherry’s career may be over with what is being called an upper back stabbing.

New research from the Harvard School of Public Health suggests even moderate consumption of red meat — as little as one serving a day — poses a more serious health risk than first thought. The report says men should now shoot for a body with abs like bean curds. The authors of the report were going to release their findings earlier but no one had the strength to deliver it.

NY Rangers forward Sean Avery has retired saying he “threw my skates in the Hudson River”. The announcement came as a shock to the Hudson River revitalization committee who has tried for years to clean up their dirty reputation.

The union representing British Columbia's 30,000 nurses is throwing a spotlight on what it argues is declining patient care as it appeals for public support to hire thousands of additional workers in the latest round of contract negotiations. A spokesman says the only chance BC has to avoid a catastrophic situation is if the Vancouver Canucks keep playing the way they have lately and thus reduce the need for riot nursing.

A municipal task force aiming to make housing more affordable in Vancouver released its first set of recommendations on Monday. Officials are warning the cost of housing will affect the aged, chronically poor and CFL rookies.

I filled out my March Madness bracket this year and was instantly referred to a site that provides support for delusional behaviour. Despite this you heard it here 1^st… Syracuse by a nose!