Dry me a River

Bowlers are planning a rally this afternoon to save the only bowling alley on Vancouver’s Westside. The group say they plan to march in a triangular pattern, wear someone else’s shoes and if necessary strike.

Extreme athlete Felix Baumgartner is making final preparations for a death-defying, 23-mile free fall into the southeastern New Mexico desert. Experts say this is the fastest free fall since Christie Clarke last led in the polls.

The Cowichan River could run bone dry before the end of the month if rain doesn’t start falling by the bucketful, raising concerns for environmentalists, municipal officials and representatives of the nearby paper mill. The environmentalists want to see the fish saved, the municipal officials want the revenue from tourists and the pulp mills will have to take the 3-headed salmon off the cafeteria menu.

I am excited to see my Saskatchewan Roughriders are now on a season ending roll. The only thing better will be to see the Opinion 250 “sports expert” changing his screen saver from a Lion back to a 5-hole goal on Luongo.

Tiger Woods said he stayed up all night after the Ryder Cup agonizing about the one that got away. So good to see he misses his ex.

Putting San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in the bullpen is like sending Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce out to run back punts… senseless.

3 of the new Toronto Raptors are out of the line-up with injuries that will need “bedrest”, so you can bet scoring will be up.

The NHL wiped out the first 2 weeks of regular season games which leaves the Toronto Maple Leafs 1 point ahead of last years pace.

A short video released on Youtube depicting gross ignorance and incompetence has inflamed religious people across the world. A spokesman for the NFL says there is nothing they can do to remove the final minutes of the Monday night game between Green Bay and Seattle. An NFL spokesman then reminded players and coaches to protect the shield during the riots.

I think it is fair to say there are a lot of cheesed off heads in Green Bay this week.

Love the new slogan for the replacement referees “For a few dollars less…”

My beloved Saskatchewan Roughriders not only beat the Calgary Stampeders they caught Jon Cornish with his pants down. Cornish was forced to apologize for “mooning” Saskatchewan fans but he said it was just in response to cracks he heard all game.

The GM of the Detroit Red Wings called players cattle this week leaving many NHL players feeling they have a beef. If the players are cattle what are fans and taxpayers who subsidize the owners, fertilizer?

The CFL has ruled that long hair is part of the uniform and can be used to tackle a player. This ruling is being seen as a game changer for the newly formed UBL United Barbers League.

Daryl Katz the owner for the Edmonton Oilers was in Seattle trying to find a way to blackmail the Edmonton City Council to give him more money for his arena. A spokesman for the City say they refused to be bullied but later retracted the comment and issued an apology saying they could be more accommodating and adding “moo”.

Former Winnipeg Blue Bomber Doug Brown took to Twitter saying he need not pack toothpaste or deodorant for his trip to Regina. This turned out to be ironic as the toothless Bombers completely stunk out the joint.

Tiger Woods was close to winning the weekends PGA tournament saying all he needed was a little luck, a few dropped putts and a f*#cki*ng break. Despite losing Woods became the 1^st golfer to win over $100 million or as his ex-wife called it… chump change.

The NFL will start the year without their regular officials due to a dispute with the union. The officials say they currently get .00003% of revenues which team owners say could better be used on necessities like Snugglies with team logos.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo says a return to Florida makes sense for everyone and would allow him to be close to friends, family and save money with the Blue-plate specials for a pre-game meal.

Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Rickey Romero is 0-10 with an ERA over 6 in his last few starts or as Brian Burke calls it “extension territory”.

Hamilton Tiger Cats returner Chris Williams has 6 kick returns for a touchdown this year. To put it into perspective the NFL record for lifetime returns is 15 held by Oakland Raiders season ticket holders.

The Whimper Classic

The Toronto Maple Leafs decided to cancel their prospects tournament. Not because of the impending lockout, they just looked at their recent drafts and concluded they have no future prospects.

San Francisco Giants suspended slugger Melky Cabrera is said to have enlisted the help of a trainer to throw off MLB drug testers by pretending to take a product unrelated to performance enhancement. The trouble is he used the website from Manny Ramirez and MLB refused to believe he was pre-menopausal.

A new candy company has been created called Maria Sugarpova a play on the name of the tennis player. Not to be outdone other players have formed companies including a coat line called Roger FURder, a chemistry set called Boris Beaker and a specialty pipe called the Bjorn Bong.

Canadian Major Junior Hockey players are voting on a proposal to create a Union for the players. The news has been received with open arms from NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman who says he can now mentor the next generation of Union busting lockout stars.

Roger Clemens will apparently join a minor league team and pitch his 1^st game in years. According to both scouts and chemists who have seen Roger pitch they say that he still has the right stuff.

Congratulation are in order to the men of Augusta National for allowing 2 women to become members of their exclusive club. In related news select women will now be allowed to wash the member’s balls.

LA Dodgers announcer Vince Scully says he will return for a 64^th year of broadcasting the games. Asked if he can still call double headers at his age Vince replied “Well… Depends…”

I find it ironic to blame fired coach Paul LaPolice for the failure of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers when clearly the players he was given should have been a crime.

If the end of a hard day’s work is Miller time I guess the current Toronto Blue Jays losing streak is called Maple Leafs time.

If I was one of the women that let a 15 year old girl beat the best me by 5 strokes at a major championship… I’d feel a Wie bit embarrassed.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair has waded in on the trade of 3 players with $250 million in salaries by the Boston Red Sox to the Los Angeles Dodgers. He says the Dodgers are crippling smaller market clubs with what he calls the Dutch Arm disease.

I’m still trying to figure out what was bigger about Roger Clemmens comeback to minor league ball. His strike outs, control or hat size. Roger was blunt saying he would need another shot in the arm to reach the majors.

Saskatchewan Roughriders coach Corey Chamblin was asked to explain why he gave the ball back to the Stampeders instead of going for it on 3^rd down with 2 minutes left and his team behind by 7 points. Corey said the wind played a factor and he figured his kicker could put the ball farther than he could throw a fit if they didn’t convert.

With all the fuss over how the Royals spend too much of the taxpayers money it was good to see Prince Harry riding bareback to save a few bucks.

Rogers Communications says they purchased The Score to get access to their mobile technology in particular their real time scores and statistics. This gives Rogers a foothold into the growing market of Toronto Maple Leafs fans who want to be given bad news on the fly.

“Polishing the turd” an expression used when trying to make a poor performance sound good. For example if your resume says “Coached the Winnipeg Blue Bombers…” you might need to polish the turd.

Going for Green

Canada's Antoine Valois-Fortier is contention for a bronze medal in the men's -81kg judo event. Antoine used deception, flips and an ability to slip out of the grasp or as BC Premier Christy Clarke calls it, her election preparation.

A female Chinese swimmer took and incredible 7 seconds off her previous best time to win a swim match. Asked how she could have possibly improved so much in such a short time her Coach Li Ing, offered this explanation “Last race we forgot to take her diaper off”.

Canada is really mopping up in the 1 metre women’s synchronized pair springboard

Day 4: New slogan “We’re # 26 among developed nations with a previous role as host of the Olympic Games”

How can Canada expect to compete internationally if we continue discouraging our blind athletes from taking archery, rifle or javelin training?

As a Saskatchewan Roughrider minion, I am having a hard time believing our recent performances. Who would have believed they could cover the spread 5 times? Amazing! But really Riders? Lose when you have every advantage? That is so Leafs…

Catching Up

The Grey Cup will begin a 74 day trip across Canada. I was originally scheduled for 60 days but Toronto asked for an extra 2 weeks to show kids in the city what a professional championship trophy looks like.

Earlier this month, the federal government decided to crack down on a new designer street-drug called bath salts. The salt is said to have the properties of heroin and may lead to brain damage. The city of Vancouver is in an uproar saying to cut people off is criminal and they plan to set up safe injection sites at East Side Bed, Bath and Beyond stores. I finally have an answer why the GF spends an hour in the tub and comes out all dizzy and weak kneed.

Facebook's recent push to promote organ donation in the United States caused registrations to soar; a similar social media initiative could soon be launched in Canada. Among those on the waiting list are the Toronto Maple Leafs who say they just need heart.

A 13 yr. old boy in the US is being sued $500k for an errant throw that hit a spectator. If you can sue someone for bad aim on the field the San Diego Padres better buy a lot more insurance.

A group of seven-year-old girls in Port Coquitlam, B.C., made a grisly discovery Monday when they stumbled upon a dead body near a creek behind their elementary school. On the bright side they got out of gym.

England once again was eliminated from Euro Cup competition on penalties when they were beaten by Italy. Asked what the problem seemed to be during sudden death an English spokesman said it had something to do with the kicks being free.

The Columbus Blue Jackets offered every draft pick they had to get the #1 pick overall and were turned down. Columbus now says they will go with Plan B and not sign anyone for the coming year.

Vancouver Canucks forward Mason Raymond said he felt bad after being given a $225.00 cut in pay to $2.275 million for the upcoming year. The reduction was due to an unproductive, injury plagued year but Raymond says he will try to remain motivated despite the insult.

The Canadian owner of I'll Have Another says he sold his Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner to a farm in Japan for US$10 million and will be used for breeding. This is the most paid for a stud since Burt Reynolds posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine.

The Minnesota Wild was able to sign Zach Parise and Ryan Sutter because they wanted their women to be close to home. NHL team operations will now have a new position called Puck Bunny with the motto “If you can’t beat ‘em in the alley, land ‘em at the Back Alley.

Once again the Vancouver SPCA is attacking the Calgary Stampede calling for the elimination of calf roping. New ads show a picture of a baby with the caption “Would you use a baby to amuse a crowd?” A spokesman for Gerber Baby food was incensed saying the Vancouver group should worry about the animals that attend Canuck playoff games.

Convicted Stanley Cup rioter Robert Snelgrove has made a court-ordered public apology to the people of Vancouver and all residents of British Columbia. The apology seemed heartfelt even when he blamed the referee’s, Canuck team defense and Roberto Luongo for his anger.

The Calgary Stampede is experiencing record attendance for the Rodeo events with a spokesman saying more people are watching this BS than tuned into the Alberta election debates.

The Calgary Stampede has decided to omit the French lyrics from the singing of the national anthem saying it is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair attended the Stampede and immediately denounced the event saying it was contributing to a decline in attendance for national tourism citing the reduced numbers in this year’s St. John Baptise celebrations.

The Calgary Stampeders lost QB Drew Tate for the season when he dislocated his shoulder falling down. Calgary fans were heartened to see the injury come so early in the season so they won’t have to wait until the last week to be out of the playoffs like the Flames.

The Conservative government's decision to pull out of the Kyoto Protocol was legal, and it wasn't obliged to consult Parliament before doing it, the federal court has ruled. However the court found they do have an obligation to find a new national sport now that global warming will reduce ice to a quaint memory.

The Lifesaving Society says new Canadians face a higher risk of drowning than people who were born in Canada. The Society says changes in parenting have made it socially unacceptable to just throw your 4 year old in the water and tell them to swim, so fewer kids have that advantage later in life.

Pamela Anderson of Baywatch fame is calling on the Alberta Government to ban Chuckwagon races after the deaths of 3 horses during the Calgary Stampede. A spokesman for Alpo Dog food agreed saying horses that pull Chuckwagons are too stringy for their gourmet canine meals.

Toronto Argos kicker Noel Prefontaine is having hip surgery that could end his career. This has caused Pam Anderson has called on the Prime Minister to end football as she is convinced kicking a pigskin caused his injury.

The CFL is considering adding the Franchise tag to their player’s contracts. It will be similar to the NFL where the player is deemed to be valuable to the franchise, only the CFL will designate one player who eats the most at franchise restaurants, thus saving the team money.

The Canadian Olympic team began arriving in London for the 2012 Olympics this week. First to arrive were swimmers and divers who need the extra time to acclimatize to the rain.

UFC is coming to Calgary this weekend, but they are hard pressed to sell tickets. Compared to the nightly brawls at the Stampede to get a taxi the UFC will seem cute,

After listening to objections from Pam Anderson the Saskatchewan Roughriders are considering letting Gainer Gopher return to his natural habitat. Anderson a BC native was sickened by the display of Gainer as her hometown team was beaten and suggested the Riders adopt a more humane mascot like Leo the defanged, declawed de-balled Lion.

As punishment for former coach Jerry Sandusky using his children’s charity to molest young boys, the NCAA has decreed Penn State University should give $60 million to children’s charities.

The NY Rangers have landed former Columbus Blue Jacket star Rick Nash for what has been described as a few spare parts. This has infuriated Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who has denounced the trade saying the players they offered were way more mediocre.

Winnipeg QB Buck Pierce is once again out of the line-up with and injury. Team officials say he is taking it easy and is expected to be available for injury in a couple of weeks.

The 2012 Olympic Games in London is cracking down on anyone using the 2012 Olympic Games in London for financial gain which makes me glad I write jokes because no one can accuse me of making any money, especially the GF.

The UFC is apologizing to Calgary for charging outrageous prices to watch a fight card that was filled with grown men hugging each other for 5 rounds. In related news the UFC has announced a new sponsor for their next great show, Manlove.com.

The next UFC fight card in Calgary will be better promised kingpin Dana white saying they already are in talks with a PETA spokesman and Calgary Stampede promoter to have a fierce 5 round debate on calf roping as the main event.

The NHL and NHLPA have agreed to resume talks aimed at ending the season with spokesmen for both sides saying if they don’t talk there will be nothing they can disagree with.

BC Premier Chrissy Clarke says Alberta oil can only flow through her Province if there is a sweetening of the deal. Included in her demands are royalties, 24 hour spill response teams and 2 - 1st round NHL draft picks from Edmonton and Calgary.

It was tough watching PGA player Adam Scott bogy the last 4 holes to lose the British Open but not as tough as watching the Saskatchewan Roughriders tee up a win for the Calgary Stampeders. Asked what went wrong the Riders Head Coach was at a loss, like the team.

Barry Bonds in Head Office

Barry Bonds says he wants to be a part of the San Francisco Giants organization. There has to be an opening in the Head Office for the world’s largest head and head case.

The judge ruled against Roger Clemens request for a dismissal of all charges and said the matter should be judged by a jury of his peers. Unfortunately Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco were unavailable for duty.

  Italian Premier Mario Monti has suggested that football in the country should be suspended for two to three years after another match-fixing scandal. This would give the country time to prosecute the former Prime Minister, Vatican officials and the Mafia, without the distraction of men kicking a ball around.

An Ottawa coroner has confirmed a package delivered to the Conservative Party of Canada's headquarters in downtown Ottawa contained a human foot. Police say the owner of the foot is not known but it appears to be the right size to fit in Brian Burkes mouth.

New census data shows Canada now has a higher proportion of seniors than ever before, a development that has crept up on society with far-reaching implications for health, finance, policy and everyday family relationships. Most of all it explains the Calgary Flames roster for the past 5 years.

The Vancouver Park Board’s municipal golf courses appear to be out of the financial rough, with a big jump in business over last year. The Board cites better weather, more advertising and a steady stream of Vancouver Canucks getting early tee times.

British billionaire Richard Branson has invited B.C. Premier Christy Clark to join him on a kite surf ride, with the suggestion that she try it naked. The Premier says Branson misunderstood her when he asked if she could kite surf and she replied “barely”.

B.C. Premier Christy Clark won't be going to the Western Premiers' Conference today in Edmonton, but her party is still joining the western attack on federal NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair. Clark is disappointed she won’t be in the game but is not averse to piling on from the sidelines.

Terrell Owens says he was paid $50 severance from his Arena Football contract. A CFL spokesman was outraged saying this is the kind of wasteful spending that puts teams in financial straits. Owens fired his manager who then reportedly went to Wendy’s to spend his 20% cut in celebration

A South Florida masseuse died at a hospital after collapsing at the Miami Beach home of injured Heat forward Chris Bosh. A spokesman for the Heat was devastated saying this could affect game 5.

Wonder what the Over/Under is on who scores more goals the Stanley Cup Finals or Euro 2012?

Details of a tentative US$170-million deal to sell the Phoenix Coyotes to prospective owner Greg Jamison include a 20-year lease that will pay Jamison's group an average of $15 million a season to manage Jobing.com arena. A spokesman for the City of Glendale was unavailable for comment but did say he can be reached at his 2^nd job, Jobbing.com popcorn vendor.

Talking to a psychologist on the phone as therapy for depression may work as well as meeting face-to-face, according to a new study. This is especially helpful if you dial the special 1-900 “therapists”.

The Canadian Taxpayers Federation says documents obtained in a Freedom of Information request show Vancouver TransLink spent $532,444 on unreliable televisions at five SkyTrain stations in 2009. Worse than that, the remaining TV’s are stuck on a loop playing the 5^th game of this year’s Canucks Stanley Cup final game.

Vancouver School Board trustees will debate the installation of a controversial noise-generating device called the Mosquito that deters vandalism and loitering by emitting an extremely high-pitched sound, on Tuesday night. The sound is really offensive to most except for students from South Africa who say it reminds them of the vuvuzelas.

Boldly go where no Leaf has gone before

With the financial problems of New Jersey Devils and Phoenix Coyotes it is possible that the Stanley Cup might finally get the name of a bankruptcy lawyer engraved on it. Right below Gordie Howe will be the firm Canwe, Cheetum and How.

How can you not love a horse that is the same name as the answer to most summer BBQ questions? Yes, I’ll have another.

Rioters in Montreal were questioned by reporters what was their biggest grievance. Some said it was the tuition increase, some said it was unfair legislation but a vast majority responded they were using the riots to keep their off season NHL rioting skills fresh.

A man has outlined detailed plans to build the USS Enterprise and have it explore space. The plan would require a trillion dollars and take generations to accomplish. The author of the report says the only comparable building projects are the pyramids and the Toronto Maple Leafs.

A man went over Niagara Falls and survived this weekend. It is one of the biggest free falls with a person surviving, second only to the Vancouver Canucks coaching staff.

Some bags of salads being distributed to restaurants, hospitals and nursing homes may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency says. The agency says it was going to put out a warning to have consumers avoid salads but after viewing pictures of average Canadians it seems they have already done so.

Commuter rail service linking Mission to downtown Vancouver could come to a grinding halt if a there is a strike by Canadian Pacific Railway employees. The CFL is up in arms saying this will reduce the pool of affordable places for BC Lions players to live.

Officials warn about coyotes in Vancouver's Stanley Park as denning season, when pups are born, can make female coyotes more protective. The fear of Coyotes was overblown earlier when really Vancouver fans should have worried about Kings.

A giant blackboard in Vancouver is giving people a chance to share their dreams of what they’ve always wanted to do or to have in their lives while they still have time. Many of the writers included seeing the Canucks win a Stanley Cup, to which the citizens of Toronto replied… good luck.

Who do you think is most unfamiliar with the saying “I’m all ears”? Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke or Prince Charles?

HST PST Y 0 Y BC

I can't wait until the NHL season is over. Not for the hockey, which is great, but to stop the insufferable panels of "experts" from speaking. Who knew shots on goal were an important statistic?

Two jurors in the Roger Clemmens steroid trial have been sent home for sleeping. What the trial needs is a shot of some kind that could keep jurors alert and focused on the task at hand. If only there was something like this.

The NFL players association is taking the NFL to court over the bounty scandal saying the NFL did not have the authority to make the suspensions. The NFLPA believes the scandal occurred before the latest collective bargaining agreement and is not subject to the "obviously should be illegal" clause in the new agreement.

Calgary Flames fans are excited by the success of Daryl Sutter and the LA Kings and hope to hold a parade if he was to win the Cup. The parade will be short, have blindfolds and a traditional western lynching of the executive, followed by a pancake breakfast.

A BC couple was given $8000 by a BC court when it was determined their health was compromised by second hand smoke. The court says t was to be expected to have cigarette and marijuana smoke in the complex but the burning of Roberto Luongo fan membership cards was "cruel and unusual".

B.C. will drop the HST and return to an "improved" PST next year with all previous exemptions, Finance Minister Kevin Falcon announced on Monday in Victoria. The idea of replacing an old idea with a new one that is the same is not considered a slight of hand but more an homage to Canucks off season moves.

Police in BC are concerned recent Cougar sightings are a sign of bigger problems. The Cougars are relentless, aggressive and are often seen around hockey arenas, usually on off game Jr. Hockey days.