My thanks to Cam Hutchinson for supporting this creation. Cheers DJW

Monday, April 13, 2009

This relationship had a shot!

A woman recently went to hospital and found she had a bullet in her head for 12 years and when asked about it said she always knew her relationship with Plaxico Burris had a shot to succeed.

Tough viewing choice on Sunday, do I watch the old men compete for the world curling championship or the old fat men compete for golf`s biggest prize?

I guess it was fitting Angel Cabrera won the Masters on Easter Sunday as it was obvious he got up early to finish off the chocolate eggs.

Sprinter Usain Bolt said “when you are a child in Jamaica you learn how to roll a joint” which is part of the Governments “No leaf left behind program”.

With Bolt and Michael Phelps getting caught up in smoking pot the cloud hanging over the coming world championships won’t be one of suspicion.

Due to salary cap restrictions the Calgary Flames were forced to play the last 3 games with 15 instead of 18 skaters. The worst part according to team officials was they lost out on the extra air miles.

Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson says the team will be worse next year and won’t start competing until sometime in 2011. Asked to comment Leaf fans agreed noting this was when his contract was due to expire.

Chris Bosh took the microphone during the last game of the year for the Raptors and when asked if the team would get better passed the question to Ron Wilson.

Despite only losing 5 games this year the coach of the Canadian women’s Olympic hockey team says she should quit because it’s all about winning. Asked to comment Ron Wilson called her a loser.

The Toronto Blue Jays got off to a 5-1 start the best they have done in over 10 years. Asked if they could keep up the pace team officials referred the question to Ron Wilson.

English football team Chelsea says manager Guus Hiddink won't be returning to the club next season despite doing a "great job," and staying near the top of the league standings. Asked to comment Ron Wilson said the English are nuts.

The USA has named Ron Wilson as the coach for the 2010 Olympic hockey team. Wilson says he doesn’t expect much from the team but they will really suck in 2014.


Former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mark (The Bird) Fidrych was found dead on his farm this week. Officials say the death appears to be accidental but as of yet have not ruled out fowl play.

The NHL held their annual lottery with the Tampa Bay Lightening considering trading their selection for a few Lotto 649 tickets.

NY Yankees Alex Rodriguez began workouts to rehabilitate his hip and team officials hope he will be in mid-April condition in time for October.

The price for the Buffalo Bills tickets in Toronto has been released and they are much lower than last year. Officials with Rogers Communication who have the rights to the game say this is a result of the recession, poor demand last year and the sudden realization they got stiffed.

Rogers say the tickets will be delivered to purchasers and ask they wait at home to get them sometime between 9:00 AM – 5:00PM.

The Toronto Rock were eliminated from playoff contention earlier this week as per their contract to be a professional team in Toronto.

The Toronto Marlies say ticket sales for the upcoming playoffs are slow with and most people who call have the same question “Is this an April Fools prank?”

The Argos, Leafs, Raptors, Rock and Blue Jays all missed out on the playoffs the past year. Officials with the City are worried they may not retain their World Class designation and are now going to hand out participation medals.


The NHL has decided to play the next outdoor game at Fenway Park in Boston and as a nod to the Red Sox will allow Jason Bay to play goal.

The Government of Saskatchewan is looking into options for the aging Mosaic field in Regina. Plans are to upgrade the stadium or move it to a larger population of people from Saskatchewan, like Calgary.

French drug testing official were suspicious when Lance Armstrong made them wait for 20 minutes while he showered and it wasn’t even Saturday.

Former NFL player Michael Vick has been returned to prison despite saying he has not finished his bankruptcy proceedings because his dog ate the paperwork.

The Government of Alberta has raised taxes on liquor saying they might be able to balance the budget if Oilers fans will cooperate and drown their sorrows.

Canada has moved up to 89th in the world rankings for FIFA keeping us in line to challenge Zambia for a Top 80 ranking.

The Calgary Flames had to play with 16 forwards because injuries put them against the Salary Cap. The bad news was they were down 2 skaters, the good news is the players out improved their + and – stats. The problem started when they traded for 2 expensive players at the deadline, just another reason Alberta is against a Cap and Trade policy.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

April Fools...

Robyn Regehr of the Calgary Flames has endorsed the use of environmentally friendly diapers which is handy since fans of the team are crapping themselves over their play of late.

Former tennis star John McEnroe was hustled out of over $3 million in an art scam. You would think of all people he could see a phony racquet with strings attached.

Top 5 NHL April Fools Headlines
# 5 Leafs win!
# 4 Sean Avery stunner “I re-designed the nurses uniforms while in rehab”.
# 3 Gary Bettman confesses he likes Sunbelt teams because he hates winter
# 2 Sources reveal Brian Burke used Ron Lowe as a reference for Leafs job
# 1 Parti Québécois say speaking French not important to coach the Montreal Canadians

Fans in Alberta are more concerned about the lame duck coaching the Oilers than the dead ducks coated in oil.

Canadian Olympic officials have reached an agreement with the IOC on the logo for the hockey jerseys at the 2010 Games. The new logo acknowledges both Canada and the Olympic movement with a picture of a beaver cutting down a tree to make paper which is converted into money to be thrown at IOC officials.

The CFL trading season is in full swing with players being sent to teams for future considerations, IOU’s and a deposit on bottles to be drunk later.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Olympic retreat

How bad is my luck when the team I had going all the way for March Madness was the only scorers from Utah that couldn’t produce in their seed.

I guess the people who get bonuses for failed performances at financial companies learned this in College where they congratulate each other when they miss a foul shot.

Jesse Lumsden has joined the Olympic bobsleigh team which means watch out for someone slipping on the ice and breaking his hip.

The State of New Jersey is considering banning the Brazilian wax leaving the Football team as the only ones able to wax teams on turf.

I wonder how big a shave George Gillette will take when he tries to sell the Habs during a recession.

If all goes well for Gillette he will soon get an offer he can’t refuse.

Celine Dion has been reported to be interested in buying the Habs and will give it to her husband Rene as a gift for his 100th birthday.

Cleveland Browns WR Donte Stallworth could face charges after a fatal traffic accident in Miami. Stallworth says he honked his horn to signal the pedestrian but it appears the victim called an audible.

Isn’t Don Cherry telling a hockey player to consider the feelings of another team one of the signs of the Apocalypse?

The CBC is cutting hundreds of jobs to try and balance their budget. Included in the cuts are children’s programming, radio broadcasts and Don Cherry’s personal collar cleaner.

Canada says they will stop giving criminals 2 for 1 credit for time served awaiting trial as a way to entice NFL players in the offseason.

You have to give Science Minister a break when he says there is evidence against evolution because he cheers for the Leafs an argument for devolution.

I’m not upset with Google showing live shots from public places as a new feature of Google Earth, I’m dismayed watching the Flames on TSN.

Saudi clerics want to impose a ban on women being seen on TV an idea they say came from the IOC’s decision to ban female ski jumpers.

The owner of the Dallas Stars says after the Sean Avery failure they will require free agents to have a psychological evaluation. Those with borderline psychotic anti-social tendencies will be restricted to the “energy line”.

The IOC says they will outlaw international torch relays and instead will replace it with a slow march to the poorhouse for host nations.

Michael Phleps appeared on TV to discuss pictures showing him smoking pot from a bong and says he is sorry for hurting those closest to him especially the guy waiting for the next toke.

A new movie called Knowing is about a man who can predict future disasters by looking at the numbers or as the Maple Leafs call it Draft Day.

Top 5 Signs it’s nearly Spring
# 5 Seasonal Affective Disorder replaced with March Madness
# 4 Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays start to run out the string
# 3 NFL jailbirds are released back into the wild
# 2 Boys of Summer own up to childish mistakes
# 1 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models begin to remove mohair knickers

Friday, March 13, 2009

Taking a swing at crime!

Charles Barkley spent 3 days in a Tent City jail for DUI despite the fact it’s his golf swing that is the real crime.

Barbie is celebrating her 50th birthday which by coincidence is the average age most sports team owners’ trade in their first wife to get one.

Producers of the Bachelor TV Show say they are disturbed by the actions of their latest contestant and say the publicity generated has had no bearing on the choice of their next Bachelor Sean Avery.

There is a new station being considered for Quebec TV called the Obituary Channel and with 8 coaches in the last 10 years there will be a special section for the Montreal Canadians.

Farmers in Saskatchewan are worried about the rise in the wild Boar population whereas the rest of the sporting world is fed up with talking heads boring them to death with their take on fighting.

Former Edmonton Oilers owner Peter Pocklington was put into jail on charges he tried to hide assets from bankruptcy proceedings. Among the items Peter Puck was alleged to have hidden were jewellery, cash and the hearts of Wayne Gretzkey fans.

Sesame Street says they will lay-off over 20% of their workforce as a result of the recession. A spokesperson for F-1 Chairman Max Mosley says this will in no way affect the puppets surrounding their boss.

The NHL GM Meetings ending with calls to crack down on “staged” fights thus ending the feud between the Leafs Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe of the Oilers.

NHL players might be looking at a 15% loss in their paycheques as a result of their past collective bargaining agreement. Section 7, paragraph 4 clearly states if an owner spends over $6 million for a 38 year old checking forward the contract should be reduced due to insanity.

The City of Calgary has voted against the living wage proposal. Officials feared it would result in fewer jobs for students, the disabled and CFL rookies.

Top 5 Words to be banned by the Canadian Men’s Curling Association
# 5 Exciting
# 4 Youthful
# 3 Sober
# 2 Fashionable
# 1 Rogaine

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Tools of the Trade!

With Team Canada beating Quebec in the Scotties Tournament of Hearts Separatists have now declared the game can no longer be replayed on TV and the brushes used to defeat them are symbols of English oppression.

TSN has traded a second hand conjecture and 2 unsubstantiated rumours to Sportsnet for a wild speculation and an uninformed opinion to be named later...

Taking up a full day of TV on TSN to cover the NHL Trading Deadline cost 10’s of thousands of dollars, having 10 reporters standing by to comment on the trades cost thousands, hairstyles and clothing for the announcers cost hundreds, the entertainment value for seeing almost nothing of consequence happen... priceless!

TSN began the day by showing their expert crew of 4 getting off a Greyhound bus which seemed like overkill until you added in all the baggage they were carrying from past years.

With the poor performance at the deadline are TSN announcers experts or tools of the trade?

Alex Rodriguez has a cyst on his hip and though we are assured it has nothing to do with steroid shots the team is still on pins and needles.

With the news of his hip cyst all A-Rod has to do is continue as a cancer to the team and allow his hurt feelings to become an open wound to complete the poisonous teammate Triple Crown.

Which stimulus package do you trust most the one from President Obama, the one from PM Harper or the one the Calgary Flames picked up at the trade deadline?

Manny Ramirez has accepted a contract that will pay him $25 million for the 1st year and an option for $20 million for the second year. We can all hope the economy improves so Manny can get the money he is worth next year and not cheapen his legacy.

It was shocking to see the Sri Lankan Cricket team get ambushed especially when they had called a time out for a tea break.

The NY Rangers have claimed Sean Avery off waivers thus making him eligible for Vogues Spring/Summer collection.

Top 5 signs your GM was fleeced at the NHL Trade Deadline
# 5 He picked up a Toronto Maple Leaf player
# 4 As a toss in he lost his first born male
# 3 Other GM’s complained to the League because his phone was always busy
# 2 His name rhymes with Tyke Hillberry
# 1 TSN has signed him to be next year’s expert analyst

It looks like David Beckham will remain with AC Milan for the rest of the year so any hope of him joining the Galaxy are far far away...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My heart is with Scotties

Montreal police are being tight lipped about the types of drugs an alleged mobster friend of Canadians players was selling but they quickly ruled out ones that were performance enhancing.

GM Bob Gainey says players are often given gifts to become trophy friends. Players from the Leafs, Chicago Cubs and any Cleveland team say this is not a problem for them.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will raise ticket prices next year the only upward projection for the team in the next few years.

The Leafs say this is necessary due to the increase in the salaries of coaches and management or as they call it non-producing assets.

Things sure have changed in women’s curling from when I was a kid. They should re-name the championship the Scott’s Tournament of Hots. This is the type women that usually give me the brush off.

Tiger Woods is back playing or as the rest of the PGA calls it the beginning of their Depression.

An ethical debate has erupted over the development of a drug that could cure people with developmental disabilities. This could have a drastic impact on those with learning disabilities, dyslexia and of course panel discussions on TSN.

The Alberta Government is spending $25 million to replace the slogan “Alberta Advantage”. Early favourites are “Alberta gateway to Saskatchewan”, “Alberta our sports teams have a beef” and “Alberta move back when we have money”.

Calgary Oilman Brett Wilson is said to be buying a piece of the Nashville Predators after the due diligence by Commissioner Gary Bettman is complete. The reason for the delay is Bettman isn’t used to a potential owner having ties to the game and actual money.

Scientists say they have found the “happy” gene which predicts how a much enjoyment a person will have in life. This gene is dependent on a number of others including the playoff performance gene, point spread gene and understanding wife gene.

Swiss scientists say gamers who grip their consoles too tight run the risk of developing a skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms. NHL players who grip their sticks too tight have a similar condition only they display lumps on their statistics.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hitting the High Note

Researchers say they have discovered an alarming increase in the amount of estrogen in the water. This is having an effect on male reproduction, muscle mass and the high pitched voices of sports announcers.

I feel bad for my dog because every time the Flames score the announcer on Sportsnet gets so excited my dog comes running home.

A study has shown children’s gestures early in life can predict success. This is especially true for children of professional basketball players as being able to pick their daddy out of a line-up increases the chance he will pay child support.

The University of Calgary will have access to the biggest telescope ever when it is launched later this year. Officials say the telescope is so powerful if you focus it carefully you can see the chance the Leafs have of winning the Stanley Cup again.

The RCMP will review its use of tazers after a number of incidents have questioned the safety of the device; however Leafs GM Brian Burke says it is still an option when the player has a no trade clause.

Bud Selig chastising A-Rod over his steroid use is like Bernie Madeoff saying his $50 billion fraud is the fault of his secretary for getting breast implants.

An expert panel says fighting should be removed from hockey at all levels. The toughest sell will be with Jr. Teams, the NHL and minor hockey parents in the stands.

Toronto coach Wilson being considered as the coach for next year’s Olympic team and to show he is up to the challenge is already calling out Roberto Luongo for letting in soft goals.

I think we should get Oilers GM Ron Lowe to be a part of the Olympic selection process with Leafs GM Brian Burke. I keep hearing GM’s say a little fighting is good for the game and this would be a great way to prove it.

Representatives from the International Olympic Committee have banned the group “Right to Play” from being a part of the 2010 Games in Vancouver. A spokesperson for the IOC says it conflicts with their “Pay to Play” focus.

I know it’s supportive and all but isn’t having your teammates behind you what started this whole steroids mess?

Top 5 signs your team has the wrong captain
# 5 The only closed door meeting he has had with players is over bong etiquette
# 4 Demands a chair like Captain Kirk for him on the sidelines
# 3 Takes the team to the movie Brokeback Mountain for a bit of bonding
# 2 Walks around with a parrot on his shoulder
# 1 Every year he plans his vacation to coincide with the beginning of playoffs