Catching Up

The Grey Cup will begin a 74 day trip across Canada. I was originally scheduled for 60 days but Toronto asked for an extra 2 weeks to show kids in the city what a professional championship trophy looks like.

Earlier this month, the federal government decided to crack down on a new designer street-drug called bath salts. The salt is said to have the properties of heroin and may lead to brain damage. The city of Vancouver is in an uproar saying to cut people off is criminal and they plan to set up safe injection sites at East Side Bed, Bath and Beyond stores. I finally have an answer why the GF spends an hour in the tub and comes out all dizzy and weak kneed.

Facebook's recent push to promote organ donation in the United States caused registrations to soar; a similar social media initiative could soon be launched in Canada. Among those on the waiting list are the Toronto Maple Leafs who say they just need heart.

A 13 yr. old boy in the US is being sued $500k for an errant throw that hit a spectator. If you can sue someone for bad aim on the field the San Diego Padres better buy a lot more insurance.

A group of seven-year-old girls in Port Coquitlam, B.C., made a grisly discovery Monday when they stumbled upon a dead body near a creek behind their elementary school. On the bright side they got out of gym.

England once again was eliminated from Euro Cup competition on penalties when they were beaten by Italy. Asked what the problem seemed to be during sudden death an English spokesman said it had something to do with the kicks being free.

The Columbus Blue Jackets offered every draft pick they had to get the #1 pick overall and were turned down. Columbus now says they will go with Plan B and not sign anyone for the coming year.

Vancouver Canucks forward Mason Raymond said he felt bad after being given a $225.00 cut in pay to $2.275 million for the upcoming year. The reduction was due to an unproductive, injury plagued year but Raymond says he will try to remain motivated despite the insult.

The Canadian owner of I'll Have Another says he sold his Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner to a farm in Japan for US$10 million and will be used for breeding. This is the most paid for a stud since Burt Reynolds posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine.

The Minnesota Wild was able to sign Zach Parise and Ryan Sutter because they wanted their women to be close to home. NHL team operations will now have a new position called Puck Bunny with the motto “If you can’t beat ‘em in the alley, land ‘em at the Back Alley.

Once again the Vancouver SPCA is attacking the Calgary Stampede calling for the elimination of calf roping. New ads show a picture of a baby with the caption “Would you use a baby to amuse a crowd?” A spokesman for Gerber Baby food was incensed saying the Vancouver group should worry about the animals that attend Canuck playoff games.

Convicted Stanley Cup rioter Robert Snelgrove has made a court-ordered public apology to the people of Vancouver and all residents of British Columbia. The apology seemed heartfelt even when he blamed the referee’s, Canuck team defense and Roberto Luongo for his anger.

The Calgary Stampede is experiencing record attendance for the Rodeo events with a spokesman saying more people are watching this BS than tuned into the Alberta election debates.

The Calgary Stampede has decided to omit the French lyrics from the singing of the national anthem saying it is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair attended the Stampede and immediately denounced the event saying it was contributing to a decline in attendance for national tourism citing the reduced numbers in this year’s St. John Baptise celebrations.

The Calgary Stampeders lost QB Drew Tate for the season when he dislocated his shoulder falling down. Calgary fans were heartened to see the injury come so early in the season so they won’t have to wait until the last week to be out of the playoffs like the Flames.

The Conservative government's decision to pull out of the Kyoto Protocol was legal, and it wasn't obliged to consult Parliament before doing it, the federal court has ruled. However the court found they do have an obligation to find a new national sport now that global warming will reduce ice to a quaint memory.

The Lifesaving Society says new Canadians face a higher risk of drowning than people who were born in Canada. The Society says changes in parenting have made it socially unacceptable to just throw your 4 year old in the water and tell them to swim, so fewer kids have that advantage later in life.

Pamela Anderson of Baywatch fame is calling on the Alberta Government to ban Chuckwagon races after the deaths of 3 horses during the Calgary Stampede. A spokesman for Alpo Dog food agreed saying horses that pull Chuckwagons are too stringy for their gourmet canine meals.

Toronto Argos kicker Noel Prefontaine is having hip surgery that could end his career. This has caused Pam Anderson has called on the Prime Minister to end football as she is convinced kicking a pigskin caused his injury.

The CFL is considering adding the Franchise tag to their player’s contracts. It will be similar to the NFL where the player is deemed to be valuable to the franchise, only the CFL will designate one player who eats the most at franchise restaurants, thus saving the team money.

The Canadian Olympic team began arriving in London for the 2012 Olympics this week. First to arrive were swimmers and divers who need the extra time to acclimatize to the rain.

UFC is coming to Calgary this weekend, but they are hard pressed to sell tickets. Compared to the nightly brawls at the Stampede to get a taxi the UFC will seem cute,

After listening to objections from Pam Anderson the Saskatchewan Roughriders are considering letting Gainer Gopher return to his natural habitat. Anderson a BC native was sickened by the display of Gainer as her hometown team was beaten and suggested the Riders adopt a more humane mascot like Leo the defanged, declawed de-balled Lion.

As punishment for former coach Jerry Sandusky using his children’s charity to molest young boys, the NCAA has decreed Penn State University should give $60 million to children’s charities.

The NY Rangers have landed former Columbus Blue Jacket star Rick Nash for what has been described as a few spare parts. This has infuriated Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who has denounced the trade saying the players they offered were way more mediocre.

Winnipeg QB Buck Pierce is once again out of the line-up with and injury. Team officials say he is taking it easy and is expected to be available for injury in a couple of weeks.

The 2012 Olympic Games in London is cracking down on anyone using the 2012 Olympic Games in London for financial gain which makes me glad I write jokes because no one can accuse me of making any money, especially the GF.

The UFC is apologizing to Calgary for charging outrageous prices to watch a fight card that was filled with grown men hugging each other for 5 rounds. In related news the UFC has announced a new sponsor for their next great show, Manlove.com.

The next UFC fight card in Calgary will be better promised kingpin Dana white saying they already are in talks with a PETA spokesman and Calgary Stampede promoter to have a fierce 5 round debate on calf roping as the main event.

The NHL and NHLPA have agreed to resume talks aimed at ending the season with spokesmen for both sides saying if they don’t talk there will be nothing they can disagree with.

BC Premier Chrissy Clarke says Alberta oil can only flow through her Province if there is a sweetening of the deal. Included in her demands are royalties, 24 hour spill response teams and 2 - 1st round NHL draft picks from Edmonton and Calgary.

It was tough watching PGA player Adam Scott bogy the last 4 holes to lose the British Open but not as tough as watching the Saskatchewan Roughriders tee up a win for the Calgary Stampeders. Asked what went wrong the Riders Head Coach was at a loss, like the team.

Barry Bonds in Head Office

Barry Bonds says he wants to be a part of the San Francisco Giants organization. There has to be an opening in the Head Office for the world’s largest head and head case.

The judge ruled against Roger Clemens request for a dismissal of all charges and said the matter should be judged by a jury of his peers. Unfortunately Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco were unavailable for duty.

  Italian Premier Mario Monti has suggested that football in the country should be suspended for two to three years after another match-fixing scandal. This would give the country time to prosecute the former Prime Minister, Vatican officials and the Mafia, without the distraction of men kicking a ball around.

An Ottawa coroner has confirmed a package delivered to the Conservative Party of Canada's headquarters in downtown Ottawa contained a human foot. Police say the owner of the foot is not known but it appears to be the right size to fit in Brian Burkes mouth.

New census data shows Canada now has a higher proportion of seniors than ever before, a development that has crept up on society with far-reaching implications for health, finance, policy and everyday family relationships. Most of all it explains the Calgary Flames roster for the past 5 years.

The Vancouver Park Board’s municipal golf courses appear to be out of the financial rough, with a big jump in business over last year. The Board cites better weather, more advertising and a steady stream of Vancouver Canucks getting early tee times.

British billionaire Richard Branson has invited B.C. Premier Christy Clark to join him on a kite surf ride, with the suggestion that she try it naked. The Premier says Branson misunderstood her when he asked if she could kite surf and she replied “barely”.

B.C. Premier Christy Clark won't be going to the Western Premiers' Conference today in Edmonton, but her party is still joining the western attack on federal NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair. Clark is disappointed she won’t be in the game but is not averse to piling on from the sidelines.

Terrell Owens says he was paid $50 severance from his Arena Football contract. A CFL spokesman was outraged saying this is the kind of wasteful spending that puts teams in financial straits. Owens fired his manager who then reportedly went to Wendy’s to spend his 20% cut in celebration

A South Florida masseuse died at a hospital after collapsing at the Miami Beach home of injured Heat forward Chris Bosh. A spokesman for the Heat was devastated saying this could affect game 5.

Wonder what the Over/Under is on who scores more goals the Stanley Cup Finals or Euro 2012?

Details of a tentative US$170-million deal to sell the Phoenix Coyotes to prospective owner Greg Jamison include a 20-year lease that will pay Jamison's group an average of $15 million a season to manage Jobing.com arena. A spokesman for the City of Glendale was unavailable for comment but did say he can be reached at his 2^nd job, Jobbing.com popcorn vendor.

Talking to a psychologist on the phone as therapy for depression may work as well as meeting face-to-face, according to a new study. This is especially helpful if you dial the special 1-900 “therapists”.

The Canadian Taxpayers Federation says documents obtained in a Freedom of Information request show Vancouver TransLink spent $532,444 on unreliable televisions at five SkyTrain stations in 2009. Worse than that, the remaining TV’s are stuck on a loop playing the 5^th game of this year’s Canucks Stanley Cup final game.

Vancouver School Board trustees will debate the installation of a controversial noise-generating device called the Mosquito that deters vandalism and loitering by emitting an extremely high-pitched sound, on Tuesday night. The sound is really offensive to most except for students from South Africa who say it reminds them of the vuvuzelas.

Boldly go where no Leaf has gone before

With the financial problems of New Jersey Devils and Phoenix Coyotes it is possible that the Stanley Cup might finally get the name of a bankruptcy lawyer engraved on it. Right below Gordie Howe will be the firm Canwe, Cheetum and How.

How can you not love a horse that is the same name as the answer to most summer BBQ questions? Yes, I’ll have another.

Rioters in Montreal were questioned by reporters what was their biggest grievance. Some said it was the tuition increase, some said it was unfair legislation but a vast majority responded they were using the riots to keep their off season NHL rioting skills fresh.

A man has outlined detailed plans to build the USS Enterprise and have it explore space. The plan would require a trillion dollars and take generations to accomplish. The author of the report says the only comparable building projects are the pyramids and the Toronto Maple Leafs.

A man went over Niagara Falls and survived this weekend. It is one of the biggest free falls with a person surviving, second only to the Vancouver Canucks coaching staff.

Some bags of salads being distributed to restaurants, hospitals and nursing homes may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency says. The agency says it was going to put out a warning to have consumers avoid salads but after viewing pictures of average Canadians it seems they have already done so.

Commuter rail service linking Mission to downtown Vancouver could come to a grinding halt if a there is a strike by Canadian Pacific Railway employees. The CFL is up in arms saying this will reduce the pool of affordable places for BC Lions players to live.

Officials warn about coyotes in Vancouver's Stanley Park as denning season, when pups are born, can make female coyotes more protective. The fear of Coyotes was overblown earlier when really Vancouver fans should have worried about Kings.

A giant blackboard in Vancouver is giving people a chance to share their dreams of what they’ve always wanted to do or to have in their lives while they still have time. Many of the writers included seeing the Canucks win a Stanley Cup, to which the citizens of Toronto replied… good luck.

Who do you think is most unfamiliar with the saying “I’m all ears”? Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke or Prince Charles?

HST PST Y 0 Y BC

I can't wait until the NHL season is over. Not for the hockey, which is great, but to stop the insufferable panels of "experts" from speaking. Who knew shots on goal were an important statistic?

Two jurors in the Roger Clemmens steroid trial have been sent home for sleeping. What the trial needs is a shot of some kind that could keep jurors alert and focused on the task at hand. If only there was something like this.

The NFL players association is taking the NFL to court over the bounty scandal saying the NFL did not have the authority to make the suspensions. The NFLPA believes the scandal occurred before the latest collective bargaining agreement and is not subject to the "obviously should be illegal" clause in the new agreement.

Calgary Flames fans are excited by the success of Daryl Sutter and the LA Kings and hope to hold a parade if he was to win the Cup. The parade will be short, have blindfolds and a traditional western lynching of the executive, followed by a pancake breakfast.

A BC couple was given $8000 by a BC court when it was determined their health was compromised by second hand smoke. The court says t was to be expected to have cigarette and marijuana smoke in the complex but the burning of Roberto Luongo fan membership cards was "cruel and unusual".

B.C. will drop the HST and return to an "improved" PST next year with all previous exemptions, Finance Minister Kevin Falcon announced on Monday in Victoria. The idea of replacing an old idea with a new one that is the same is not considered a slight of hand but more an homage to Canucks off season moves.

Police in BC are concerned recent Cougar sightings are a sign of bigger problems. The Cougars are relentless, aggressive and are often seen around hockey arenas, usually on off game Jr. Hockey days.

Ugly is as ugly dates

NY Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera was injured and is out for the season after a freak pre-game shagging flies accident. It is the 1^st shagging incident in Yankee history to not be treated by penicillin.

Daryl Sutter has the LA Kings one step closer to the Stanley Cup finals. This is being met with a collective “who?” from dedicate Calgary Flames fans.

Next year the Flames might be watching Daryl and Brent Sutter meet in the playoffs, or as it is called in Calgary “Crap!”

The Phoenix Coyotes are in talks with another suitor to buy the team. Tentative terms have not been released but the Glendale City Council says they seem to meet their demands, people breathing in the seats.

Boy the after-after party for the Nashville Predators might be a little awkward.

The Washington Redskins have announced #2 overall pick RG3 will be their starting QB. In a carefully worded statement the teams says they chose another QB Kirk Cousins in the draft because his girlfriend was prettier. This followed standard scouting practices that an ugly girlfriend means you have no confidence. In the rookie camp RG3 showed up with a hottie, thus alleviating the concern.

Two gymnastics judges have been banned from the London Olympics by a disciplinary panel investigating mistakes during the women's event at last fall's world championships. The judges were inadvertently giving points for artistic merit to gymnasts who had not even offered a single bribe. The oversight has been corrected.

The Vancouver Canucks resolved the status of general manager Mike Gillis on Monday and moved closer to determining coach Alain Vigneault's future. Sources say Vigneaults contract will be extended, made of iron clad agreements and open to his quick removal.

Canadian world hockey captain Ryan Getzlaf was flabbergasted after being linked to an incident at a Helsinki bar by Finnish media outlets. Getzlaf says rumours of drinking, arguing and swearing were totally overblown, adding were just discussing the Nashville Predators response to players drinking, arguing and swearing in a bar.

Two employees at a Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ont., were involved in a different type of labour today — they suddenly found themselves having to help a woman give birth in one of the washrooms. The employees were shocked when the woman decided to name the twins born to her Double and Double Double.

The provincial government has introduced legislation to regulate boxing, kick-boxing and mixed martial arts events across B.C. The bill is known as the kicking, gouging, biting and slapping outside the Legislature amendment and will be law once the backroom scuffles are finished.

Toronto's mayor refused to speak to reporters on Tuesday during a very brief photo opportunity outside his office inside City Hall. Citizens of Toronto hope the Toronto Maple Leafs GM will show the same pity on Torontonians for the summer.

Waving the Right Flag

Former CFL wide receiver Brad Smith will be the 1st contestant on The Bachelor Canada TV Show. The show has a nod to the CFL when Smith takes his picks to McDonalds and a walk thru a park as his dream date.

This is the 1st time a female from a reality TV show can truthfully answer "I love him for more than his money".

The playoff success of the Phoenix Coyotes has players and executives excited for the future. A spokesman for the team says players can now upgrade their living arrangements from daily Hotel to monthly Condo. Officials are excited by the increased revenue from the post season. In particular the white flags of surrender have been turned into a "white out" fan towel that sell for $60.00 in souvenir shops. If any are left over the towels can be used to pack the dishes for the move to Quebec City.

Andy Pettitte took to the stand against Roger Clemmens and told the court he heard Roger say HGH would help him recover. This is ironic because since refusing to say he took HGH, Roger's career has never recovered. The next day in cross examination Pettitte said he might have been mistaken and Clemmens could have said something less controversial like "PCP help you recover". 

Nashville Predators coach Barry Trotz has a difficult decision to make. Does he restore forwards Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitsyn after they were sat out for drinking late at night and the team won, or does he take the high road?  The players plan to star in the new vodka commercial "Smirnoff when you want to put your career on ice".

The California Angels say they are not concerned Alex Pujols has not hit a home run despite paying $250 million for his services. A team spokesman says most of the money has already been recovered by selling the rights to the movie. Execs say it will make the Titanic look like a leaky rowboat.

Los Angles Lakers suspended forward Metta World Peace will be a guest on Conan to explain his recent elbow to the head of  James Harden of the Oklahoma Thunder. Peace says he had other offers most notably from the David Letterman show to perform a stupid human hit.

Call that a riot?

The Rest of Canada was asked what they thought of the Vancouver Canucks losing out and most agreed. “What a riot!”

The cities of Calgary and Edmonton were not mentioned once during the Alberta election debate. It felt like we were watching coverage of NHL playoffs.

All we are saying… is give Metta World Peace a chance… and he’ll give you the irony of his name.

All of the Pollsters in the Alberta election got had their predictions wrong forcing some to other business opportunities like predicting NHL playoff outcomes.

Toronto's chief medical officer of health says speed limits in the city need to be lower — much lower. The chief say if we can take 9 years to build a competitive hockey team then taking it easy on the road shouldn’t be such a problem.

The Insurance Corporation of B.C. has applied to have its services declared essential in a bid to block possible strike action by unionized staff. The Corporations says insurance is critical to BC especially those that bet the farm on the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup.

Saskatchewan Government Insurance has quietly cancelled its green rebate for people who drive environmentally friendly cars. The rebate was originally intended to foster the use of alternative fuels…like used watermelon helmets.

The Greater Toronto Area was at a standstill after a late, late spring snowstorm added almost 6” of white stuff. This is the biggest unscheduled dump of white stuff to cover Toronto since 1995 when the NBA Draft was held at SkyDome.

University students in Quebec are rioting, destroying property and clashing with Police. The Rioters say they have no real grievances they just want to stay in shape in case the Montreal Canadians reach the playoffs next year.