Dye Job or Dying on the Job?

It was an impressive ball control game between Saskatchewan and Edmonton with both teams finishing off 8 commercial drives.

A group led by the NHLPA has petitioned the Federal Government to remove the mandatory retirement age.

If the NHL played injury time like in soccer then the Edmonton Oilers season would just be concluding.

Spain winning at Euro 2008 is a good omen for the Toronto Maple Leafs because of the eerie similarities. Neither team had won the big one since the 1960`s, both teams have managers that are in their seventies and they both take an average of 13 shots on goal a game.

Hollywood director Oren Koules the new owner of the Tampa Bay Lightening has spent like crazy to turn his team around. Signing big name stars could either give him a blockbuster return or a version of Isthar on Ice.

Lubomir Visnosky says there was a misquote attributed to him as being shocked, dismayed and hysterical upon hearing he was traded from the Los Angeles Kings to the Edmonton Oilers. Lubomir says the quote should have been attributed to Mrs. Visnosky.

The Vancouver Canucks have made a $20 million offer for the services of free agent Mats Sundin. Terms are 2 years at $7.5 million per year and $ 5 million to the Toronto Sports Network to shut up about him.

NY Islanders owner Charles Wang asked GM Mike Millbury after he bought the team when halftime would start. Thus explains the mystery of Mike`s employment.

After referee Tim Donaghy made allegations the league fixed playoff games NBA officials have hired a Major General of the Army to the post of senior vice-president of referee operations and hope he will bring to his job the military tradition of shooting traitors.

What do you get when you cross George Clooney with Mickey Mouse? A European Football Goalkeeper.

Agents for NHL puck stoppers were so busy during the free agent frenzy they had to use initials during discussions with GM’s, with TGIF meaning “That Goalie is 50 mil.”

A lot of future NBA players decided not to attend the draft saying they didn’t want to spend their bonus money all on the gas to get there.

NFL players were supportive of Prince Charles when he announced he uses wine as a fuel for driving. Players were disappointed to learn however that the Prince pours it into his tank.

There was an awkward silence at a press conference when Toronto Maple Leafs aging GM Cliff Fletcher defended his free agent signings saying “there’s no tomorrow for us”.

There are troubling signs NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez has stopped swinging for the fence as he declined to be in the home run derby at the MLB All Star Game and later when it was rumoured he was having an affair with Madonna.

Chinese Olympic officials have begun mobilizing hundreds of thousands of troops to prevent any terrorist attacks during the competition. Spokesmen for Olympic athletes say participants are happy not to worry about being shot full of lead and can concentrate on finding a way to avoid breathing it in.

Zimbabwe Dictator Elect Robert Mugabe says a report of people fleeing for their lives in the face of armed gangs is ridiculous and what the media saw was an advanced training method for the Olympic Marathon.

Officials with the Beijing Olympics are confident a swarm of locus invading the City will have no affect on the competition as they are positive none of the grasshoppers will be able to survive once they breathe the air.

Chinese officials are livid at the locust plague demanding Kung Fu teachers keep more control over their grasshoppers.

Mike Commodore getting $18 million should raise the hair on every NHL owner.

By signing a defenseman with 24 points in 94 career games to a 4 year contract worth $14 million, the Toronto Maple Leafs have literally given their fans the Finger.

A new feature from Sports Select has an over –under bet on which side of the goalpost Toronto Argonauts kicker Mike Vanderjagt puts it.

Bret Favre says he has an “itch” to play football again which is unusual because most players don’t get an “itch” until after the first road trip.

Aaron Rogers the new quarterback of the Green Bay Packers has been sympathetic to Bret Favres “itch” to play again and has sent him some calamine lotion, aloe cream and a case of Goldbon powder.

Fans are rushing to see the movie Hancock while NHL GM’s tripped over each other to get a mediocre players Hancock on a 5 year $22 million contract.

Euroverdyingit...

The Vancouver Canucks are said to be interested in trading the Sedin twins but so far the best offer is straight up for the Hanson brothers.

Sean Avery has decided to test the free agency market and so far his agent has received offers from Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Wear Daily and Tiger Beat Magazine.

Top 3 Signs the CFL Season has begun

3 Toronto is busy hosting NFL Fantasy Draft parties

2 Each teams designated coupon clipper is fighting to get under the salary cap

1 Saskatchewan farmers switching from wheat to watermelons

How bad a dye job did Vic Rauter get for Euro 2008?

...The colour job was so bad TSN cried foul and will only shoot his spot from the penalty area...

...TSN viewers are asking if he might be sick or... dead even...

...The other two announcers sitting at the table (the un-dyed?) get a nice shot up close when they are putting in their .0136 Euro's worth, but when the camera switches to Vic they use a wide angle lens covered in vasoline...

...When the background noise is not the crowd singing but the producers yelling BACK to the cameramen....

...poor Vic must be dying of embarrassment...

Calls to the station over the loss of reception during the Turkey/German game are 50-50 split between complaining about the game cutting out and having to look at Vic...

I thought it was tacky when Donal Trump called it a rug...

I guess that's what happens when you lose a bet to Jimmy the Greek...

...Vick should have paid more attention to Miss Clairol than to the Swiss Miss...

Thought I was watching an interview show on TSN and it turned out to be the Saskatchewan/Edmonton CFL game.

I guess TSN has to show more commercials during CFL games because they need time to warm up for the onslaught required for the Grey Cup.

Someone should let soccor announcers know if they spend ten minutes yelling goallllll, Eurovercompensating....

Marriage is a Turkey Shoot

With Cliff Fletcher running the Maple Leafs and Cito Gaston now in charge of the Blue Jays Toronto is partying like it’s 1993.

According to Pierre McGuire of The Toronto Sports Network everyone made a perfect pick in the 1^st round of the NHL draft except for Phoenix who chose a loser Pierre said shouldn't have been picked until the 3^rd round.

TSN reporter Jennifer Hedger asked Kyle Beach if his bad attitude was the reason he wasn’t selected by Vancouver at the NHL Draft to which Kyle replied “nice rack”.

After seeing my long shot picks come in this year including Turkey at Euro, the Roughriders at the Grey Cup , the Giants for the Super Bowl and Tampa Bay in Baseball, it may be time to get married again.

Buffalo Bills running back Marshawn Lynch now says he was driving the car that hit a woman but in his defense when you run over people for a living it’s hard to keep track.

Pittsburgh Penguins star Evgeni Malkin has been offered $12.5 million tax free to play in the new Continental Hockey League or as Premier Ed Stelmach of Alberta calls it chump change.

The Ottawa Senators are buying out the contract of goalie Ray Emery once again proving crime can pay.

Emery says he still has plenty of years left and hopes to be traded for a team distraction to be named later.

It was an awkward moment when the Toronto Sports Network asked the Leafs newest draft prospect Luke Schenn what he thought of the team trading the negotiation rights to Mats Sundin.

Top 3 questions asked by the Toronto Sports Network to NHL Draft Picks

# 3 To Steve Stankos “Who should the Leafs pick next?”

# 2 To Kyle Beach “Do you think the Leafs wouldn't draft you because they have enough head cases?”

# 1 To Viktor Tikhonov “How does it feel to be picked to play in the NHL when former Leafs owner Harold Ballard hated your grandfather.”

If Rocket Richard could get 2 minutes for looking good with his Grecian Formula dye job then TSN Euro announcer Vic Rauter should be shown a red card for his.

Last week was filled with déjà vu as Cliff Fletcher was drafting for the Leafs, Cito Gaston was managing the Jays and a Liberal Leader was praising an energy policy that would cripple Alberta.

Adam Jones wants people to stop calling him “Pacman” and would prefer it if they would use Adam, Mr. Jones or just plain old defendant.

A Calgary runner died after finishing his part of a 100K road race. Officials say he was fine until he stopped at a gas station to fill up for the ride home.

The Toronto Maple Leafs made a deal to move up in Friday night’s entry draft the first time a team picked a player because the GM had a curfew.

There are no surprises when you play the same team to end the pre-season and begin CFL regular play, kind of like hiring your future wife to be the stripper at your stag.

Auto workers in Germany closed down to watch their team play in Euro 2008 whereas the plants in Oshawa Ontario closed because GM is kicking them around.

After hearing the rap “Kobe couldn’t win without me” Bryant was relieved the singer was Shaquille O’Neil and not one of the Laker cheerleaders.

New evidence has shown Triple Crown threat Big Brown was hit on the hoof by another horse in the Belmont Stakes an ironic turn after his trainer Rick Durrow enjoyed stepping on the toes of other trainers.

After pleading no contest to assaulting his girlfriend Dennis Rodman is pondering a career in soccer as he seems to have a knack as a striker.

In Euro Cup matches a player who is suspended is not allowed to play in the next game nor is the team allowed a substitution for him, a rule officials with the Philadelphia Flyers call sheer stupidity.

When asked what he thought of Euro 2008 President Bush said he was surprised the exchange rate was so high.

Watching Turkey lose to Germany was a lot like a marriage a good start, rocky patches in the middle and an eventual loss in the end.

With the success of Sidney Crosby staying with Mario Lemieux I wonder if Steve Stankos is going to live in Melrose place?

There is a video on Youtube showing a ball girl making an unbelievable catch by climbing up the wall that was done using Photoshop. I’m not sure Cito Gaston is up to date with all the new technologies because he has offered 2 pitchers and a draft choice for Photoshop.

Animal rights activists have slammed Wimbledon officials for shooting birds around the All England Club saying people paying $25.00 for 2 strawberries and a bit of cream shouldn’t be the only pigeons allowed into the Stadium.

Stiff Competition

A New York legislator is introducing a bill to give immigrant status to foreign super models because Tom Brady can only date so many at once.

Tiger Woods was a little disappointed by the turn out for Mondays US Open playoff saying “people just don’t play hooky anymore”.

The NBA had a unique promotion for Father’s Day bringing some of the NBA greats together for a half time game of Who’s Your Daddy?

72 year old Cliff Fletcher hired 62 year old Al Coates to the Toronto Maple Leaf staff citing the youthful exuberance he will bring to the club.

Some professional athletes are using Viagra to improve their performance which has caused others to take the drug because the completion for jobs is stiff.

NY Mets manager Willie Randolph was fired by phone at 3:00 AM so instead of getting a bootie call he got a booted call.

During a stop at a youth centre in Dublin Ireland President Bush hit only 1 shot out of 10 attempts while playing basketball or as the LA Lakers call it Kobeesque.

The Boston Celtics started celebrating with 5 minutes left in the game not because they had an insurmountable lead but they were able to get an early copy of the script.

The NY Islanders are said to be in discussions with former head case Alexi Yashin but a contract offer is conditional on Yashin including the negatives of owner Charles Wang partying with Formula 1 boss Max Mosley.

NHL draft prospect Joe Colborne has a unique problem in that his dad is the chairman of an oil and gas company which means he has the option of playing for a team or buying it.

The Boston Celtics spent 6 hours in Los Angles waiting for repairs to their airplane to return to Boston for game 6 the first recorded episode of home runway advantage.

Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker lost $100,000 worth of jewelery when he was beaten and robbed in Los Vegas in what police are calling a case of getting black and blue for the bling.

The Buffalo Bills are said to be interested in scheduling more games in Toronto citing the fact Toronto loves NFL football, they are a world class City and contrary to what PT Barnum said they have more than one born every minute.

When Glenn Anderson found out he was going to be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame he said he might have to do a commercial for Kleenex to which Mark Messier replied “hey that’s my gig”.

The Red River Lacrosse Association has banned spectators after they were abusive to officials thus giving the parents a time out.

The Greek Weightlifting Association has been reduced to a 2 person entry due to recent charges of doping and they will be under investigation until they find some clean jerks.

The Greeks will be limited to 1 male and 1 female competitor which coincidentally will be the same person.

A man has broken the world record for smashing watermelons breaking the previous record set by an irate Winnipeg Blue Bombers fan after they lost to the Grey Cup to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Headline after NY Yankee pitcher Cnin-Min Wang was taken out of a game with a suspected leg injury “Injured Body Wang’s Done Tonight”.

Disgruntled Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Johnson will have ankle surgery but fans think he could do with some work on his soul.

MLB officials are considering removing maple bats saying the density of the wood makes them shatter to which the manufacturers say hasn't a grain of truth.

How convenient for Americas pastime that of all the problems in baseball they manage to focus on one that is made in Canada.

It’s ironic that with MLB players pumping themselves with drugs to get fake woodies officials would see real wood as a problem.

This weekend is the NHL Entry Draft where teams try to find the next star player or as former GM Mike Millbury calls it Passover.

Top 3 Awkward Questions overheard at the NHL Draft Combine

# 3 Is your mom hot or what?

# 2 Boxers, briefs or commando?

# 1 If Mike Millbury was to call you a “can’t miss prospect” what other career options do you have?

Canadian Para-Olympic athletes are upset they will not be offered financial incentives if they win medals saying they should have the chance to be as inadequately compensated as the able bodied athletes.

A Canadian report saying foreign workers feel their skills are not recognized and they are underpaid brought an immediate reaction from the CFL who say they underpay everyone equally.

Toronto Maple Leafs permanent interim GM Cliff Fletcher was so excited seeing the Leafs win the Stanley Cup during a screening of The Love Guru he named Dr. Ruth as his director of player development.

The film board had a difficult time deciding if The Love Guru was fiction, a comedy or world class porn.

Missed it by that much...

Terrell Owens missed a drug test but says a player of his status should be shown clemency.

Soccer fans the world over were outraged when the Netherlands were awarded a goal that was obviously offside ruining millions of pools that had nil nil for every game.

The Toronto Sports Network was defending the purchase of CBCs rights to their hockey song saying it fits with their blueprint of overpaying for repetitive sound bites that have no history of winning the Cup.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has canceled CBCs plans to run a contest for a new song saying he had promised the rights to Nashville.

The Chicago Bears have released running back Cedric Benson after his second alcohol related offense in 2 months saying Cedric ceased to be entertaining.

NFL Commissioner Roger Godal says the recent rash of alcohol related incidents with players just shows they are a spirited group.

Boston Celtics Paul Pierce says the trainers carrying him off the court were confused as they had previously worked with soccer players.

Boston Celtics fans were holding up cardboard cut-outs of the latest cheerleader Kobe Bryant has allegedly been having an affair with which is the most make-up on a game face since Dennis Rodman.

Dion Phaneuf is on the cover of the latest NHL video game an easy choice for someone who pushes everyone’s buttons.

The game has a special feature where if you hit the right buttons Dion will smile.

Donald Trump wants to build a golf course in Scotland and hasn’t read all of the environmental report but did comb over the hairy parts.

Travis Henry says he will spend Fathers Day the same as usual being served breakfast in shifts.

Former Cincinnati Bengals coach Sam Wyche recently won election to City Council and credited his victory with an intimate grasp of criminal behaviour.

Detroit Red Wings Chris Osgood and Nicholas Lidstrom recently appeared on the Tonight Show to celebrate their Stanley Cup victory to which Tiger Woods said "no one watches TV anymore".

A new report is saying Roger Clemens used Viagra which explains his reliance on the high hard one.

Doctors advised Roger to seek treatment if his heater lasted for more than 8 hours.

Sunday was Gay Pride Day the only time honours are given out to not only switch hitter but pitchers and catchers as well.

Convicted NBA referee Tim Donaghy says the league conspired with referees to aid teams in order fix the outcome of games. Commissioner David Stern reacted angrily saying “let’s just say I’m positive he will get what coming to him... if you know what I mean”.

Asked why he was parting with his Stanley Cup memorabilia former Edmonton Oilers owner Peter Pocklington said he ran out of players to sell.

US unemployment numbers increased dramatically over the past month led by losses in the auto sector, manufacturing and professional NHL and NBA coaches.

The race to pass the blame on Big Ben’s Triple Crown loss is headed down the backstretch with neither jockey Kent Desormeaux nor trainer Rick Durrow sparing the whip.

After hearing animals can legally receive a shot of steroids Roger Clemens is now saying he was just horsing around.

New Toronto Maple Leaf coach Ron Wilson says coaching the team is a dream come true right up there with having a public prostate exam.

We should have seen Cliff Fletcher had his eye on running the Leafs for the long term when he had the GMs suite redecorated with shag rugs, an avocado green fridge and disco ball.

IBM has unveiled the first computer that can do 1000 trillion calculations per second. The machine will be used to assist in nuclear weapons design, genetic engineering and making a case for the economic viability of the NHL in the Sun Belt.

A report saying Christians are being persecuted in China to avoid disruptions during the Olympic Games has met mixed reaction with human rights organizations outraged and PETA favorably noting the lions have become extremely well fed.

Euro 2008 has unveiled new technology that can track how many kilometers a player runs during the match as well as instantly determining the degree of difficulty for each dive.

NASA says they are excited the recent Mars Explorer has found ice which means there could be life on the planet and it keeps alive the non Canadian exit strategy for the Nashville Predators.

The pouring rain during the Euro 2008 games has made calling dives easier as they can now judge by the amount of splash.

Killer City

An ancient tribe has been discovered in the Brazilian rain forest whose inhabitants are so backwards their hockey teams still use the trap.

A 9 year old Gorilla has impregnated the mate of a much older male a feat more remarkable because he doesn’t play basketball.

Hillary Clinton saying she should be the Democratic nominee because she has more votes but less delegates is like the Toronto Maple Leafs saying they should have made the playoffs because they had more fans but less wins.

Police say a fire in the film library of Universal Studio’s could have been put out sooner if New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick would have stopped throwing tapes on it.

Universal Studios say they managed to save most of the video tapes from the fire but unfortunately lost all Super Bowl warm-ups for the last 5 years.

Travis Henry was distraught after being let go from the Denver Broncos pleading to not let him spend more time with his families.

Had to be a tough week for CFL player Duncan O’Malley when he was punted from Calgary, and then given the quick kick out of Edmonton.

New York was excited to see the return of Sex in the City but Chicago was not so enamoured with the reappearance of Rex in the City.

Tiger Woods says no one watches hockey a comment that was vehemently denied by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman once he finished playing the back nine.

Formula 1 President Max Mosley was supported by the general assembly and will retain his position. All further questions will not be answered as Mosley has imposed a gag order on the group.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are continuing with their search for a GM and have asked Nabisco for permission to talk to the person that developed the new Shreddies Diamond commercial.

With a record number of murders in Calgary it seems the only ones lacking a killer instinct are the sporting teams.

Top 3 Signs the CFL has begun training camp...

#3 The number of US visitors to Canada doubles

# 2 Hamilton has lost its first 2 inter-squad games

# 1 Toronto has sold all of the tickets for the upcoming NFL games

Don Cherry says he has no grudge against Sidney Crosby and won’t talk about his relations with players because he doesn’t kiss and tell.

The rash of former Olympic winners being asked to return their medals has forced organisers to add a GPS device to the award in order to make retrieval easier.

The International Olympic Committee has provisionally suspended the Iraqi team although according to team officials they still have a shot at it.

The IOC has announced the finalists for the 2016 Olympic Games and will announce the winner once the cheques clear.

Affair and Reasonable Mistake

The MLB Players have agreed to a new drug testing deal which would not penalize any past conduct and has been hailed by dictators everywhere as fair and compassionate.

Hillary Clinton was so upset Dancia Patrick was knocked out of the Indianapolis 500 calling it just another example of a vast left turn conspiracy.

Canadians have a stake in the Phoenix Lanner on Mars with equipment to determine the weather, the potential of drinkable water and possibly a GM for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

WTA player Ashley Harkleroad has agreed to pose in Playboy after having a cyst removed from her ovaries. In a related story Boston Bruins forward Phil Kessel turned down the opportunity to pose for Playgirl after he had a testicle removed.

Frenchman Michel Fournier is attempting to free fall from the stratosphere breaking the record set by the 2007 NY Mets.

Haile Gebrselassie ran the fastest 10,000 meters in four years narrowly beating out 2 rioters from a Montreal Canadians playoff win.

Robbie Knievel successfully jumped over 24 delivery trucks which thanks to the recession were empty and available.

The death of former Chicago Cubs pitcher Geremi Gonzalez shows the odds of the Cubs winning the World Series is still greater than being struck by lightning.

Packman Jones paid off a $20,000 gambling debt to a Los Vegas Casino or as Charles Barkley called it chump change.

The irony is Jones made the bet on Barkley not paying his debt.

If you ask the managers of the Mets and Yankees New York really is the City that never sleeps.

I can hardly wait for the start of Sex in the City or as it is sometimes referred to the NBA Finals.

Toronto Argonaut quarterback Damon Allen is retiring saying he wants to quit while he is still young enough to join the Detroit Red Wings on the blue line.

The Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League traded a pitcher to the Laredo Broncos for 10 Prairie Stick Maple bats a deal which cleared deadwood from both teams.

Roger Clemens is adding a claim of emotional distress against his former trainer Brian McNamee saying he has suffered wild mood swings, abnormal weight gain and steroid like symptoms.

Cincinnati Red outfielder Jay Bruce had 3 hits in his first game tying a record for Cincinnati draft picks not using a gun.

Former tennis great Yannick Noah is defending his son Chicago Bulls player Joakim over charges of marijuana possession saying it was all a mistake as he thought he had been traded to the Dallas Mavericks.

After seeing the pitch conditions for the Champions Cup I’m taking Russia for the 2008 Euro as they seem to know how to level the playing field.

Jennifer Jones will be curling against the men in the Casino Rama Skins Game although since it is her first time she doesn’t get to be shirts.

After Foreign Affairs Minister Maxine Bernier was sacked because he left sensitive documents at an ex-girlfriend’s apartment Indiana Pacers forward Malik Sealy was quick to say it could happen to anyone.

Listening to the whole story you would think Maxine was overqualified to handle affairs.

Farm incomes across Canada grew last year especially in canola for Alberta, barley hops for BC and watermelons for Saskatchewan.

After Pittsburgh Penguins Gary Roberts sucker punched an injured Johann Franzen you have to wonder who is suffering post concussion symptoms.