Roger and Out!

Former Formula 1 owner Alex Shnaider is said to be interested in purchasing the Toronto Maple Leafs. Shnaider says that although he has no hockey experience he is familiar with spinning his wheels and going around in circles.

After losing another game when leading after 2 periods, the Toronto Maple Leafs have asked the competition committee to change the game to 2-30 minute periods.

Roger Clemens says he will testify at a hearing on steroid use in baseball as long as it doesn’t conflict with his other obligations. In trying to determine a date Clemens says Feb. 30th and Sept. 31 are possible.

Top 3 New Year’s resolutions for MLB.
#3 Hire only mute clubhouse attendants
#2 Institute mandatory drug testing for fans of the Tampa Bay Devils and NY Mets
#1 New Commissioner Jose Canseco

After seeing what happened to the guy that taunted the tiger in San Diego you would think the Toronto Raptors would have left Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron James alone. Instead they too got mauled.

Roger Clemens and the trainer that blew the whistle on his drug use Brian Mcnamee had an hour long phone call. Sources close to Clemens say the conversation didn’t clear up their differences and there are no plans to put each other on their favourite 5 plans. Clemens was particularly upset that Mcnamee refused to go to jail for him saying “you have to learn to take one for the team”.

Clemens says he will appear for testimony but only if he can bring a reliever for when the questions get tough.

Jeremy Roenick is quoted saying “the whole organization would be on suicide watch” if they didn’t have such a great road record. Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. was unavailable for comment although the Doctors did give him back his shoelaces.

Watching Sweden get into the Junior Hockey gold medal game after years of mediocrity I guess you could say their program is Bjorn again.

The Boston Red Sox brought the World Series trophy to Nova Scotia. The team wanted to thank the fans for cheering for them despite the fact Toronto has a team. If the Red Sox had done their homework they would have found out almost every city in Canada cheers against Toronto, it’s who we are.

A recent study says men have a better sense of humour than women because of our elevated testosterone levels. If that was the case you would think Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens would have a future in comedy.

Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf has reportedly turned down a 5 year $30 million contract offer. Dion says he is waiting to see how much he can make once the NHL GM’s brains take the month of July off. Dion is one of the game’s best young defenseman and will undoubtedly be able to play the 50 minutes a game that will be required of him once he takes up 60% of the salary cap. It must be the new way kids spell but I can’t remember seeing an I in greed.

I’m not sure if Roger Clemens is getting good advice. First he says he wasn’t injected with drugs, and then he says he was but they were just vitamins and now he is saying he did but he didn’t inhale.

The Miami Dolphins are said to be interested in hiring Dallas Cowboys assistant coach Tony Sparano. Now there’s an offer he really should refuse. If they fail to land him sources say the next move is to draft Big Pussy for left tackle.

Rick Hartmann is looking to file a lawsuit saying he was unable to crack the big leagues of baseball because he did not take steroids. Former teammates say he had all the tools and was one shot away from getting his shot. A spokesman for MLB says the suit is groundless and any player that really wanted to be a big leaguer would have taken the drugs and lied like the rest of them.

A major scandal in the new reality show American Gladiator when a contestant tested negative for steroids. Sources close to the show says he was just mocking the dedication of the other athletes.