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Roger Clemens says he doesn’t give a “rat’s ass” about being inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame. A spokesperson for rats everywhere has issued a reply saying he should worry about his own ass.

After playing parts of a telephone conversation with his trainer Clemens finally came clean and said he was being sponsored by Clearnet.

Clemens says Macnamee shouldn’t think about coming to see him because his family is really angry and worse they have been following his own training regime.

A book about movie star Tom Cruise says he impregnated his wife with frozen sperm from Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. When told about this Denver Bronco’s running back Travis Henry said “Hey I was free that weekend”.

Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been transferred to a new prison to begin drug rehabilitation treatment. The treatment is specially designed to help people make get off drugs, avoid making bad choices and stop throwing into double coverage.

The City of New York was inundated by a foul odour this week. Sources say possible causes were a sewage treatment problem, broken water mains or the skeletons in the closet of the NY Yankees.

Panasonic has unveiled the world’s largest flat screen TV. Company officials say the picture quality is so good you can see the needle marks on most professional athletes.

Although the screen is 150 inches it is still can’t fit all the egos on NFL Countdown. The only glitch with the TV for hockey fans is the automatic colour control sensor which shuts the TV down when Don Cherry comes on. The TV is proving a hit for divorce lawyers who have a nickname for it “Exhibit A”.

Despite only losing 1 game in regulation in the last 15 the Calgary Flames will not be on Hockey Night in Canada in the month of January. A spokesperson with the CBC says it’s not their fault the schedule doesn’t allow then to play the Maple Leafs more often.

Ottawa Senators goalie Ray Emery got into a fight during practice with tough guy Brian McGrattan. The fight was quickly broken up after teammates reminded Emery it could affect his modelling career.

Shaquille O’Neil has returned home to get some treatment on his injured hip. O’Neil says he hopes to get back to playing better than ever once he finishes the workout regiment prescribed by his new trainer Brian Macnamee.

The Green Bay Packers have given GM Ted Thompson a 5 year contract extension. Thompson was pleased with the terms of the deal which will allow him to stick around while quarterback Brett Favre matures.

A bear in a German Zoo has eaten her own cub. There is a name for this condition; it is called being a Buffalo Bills quarterback.

French company MDI Enterprises has developed an automobile that runs on compressed air. They say this is just a prototype for the next generation of vehicles to be called the Roger-K Cars which will run on hot air and bluster.

67 year old Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs has decided to call it quits. Age was a factor with Gibbs saying the success of Brett Favre and Vinnie Testaverte he has convinced him to get into shape and try out for the team next year.

After #2 Louisiana beat #1Ohio State in the BCS Bowl it proved without a doubt that #3 Michigan deserves to be College football champions. The only thing more confusing than the College football ranking system is the Toronto Maple Leafs scouting system.

Acting on recommendations in the Mitchell Report, Major League Baseball will crack down on clubhouse security. Among the changes: Teams will no longer be notified the night before drug testing personnel arrive, all clubs must have a designated area in home and visiting clubhouses for tests to be collected and each club will be limited to 2 designated testers per team.

China has released results from their drug test and they are happy with the results. Tests showed only 15 athletes were positive for banned substances and most of those were weightlifters that showed increased levels of lead.