Matts Sundin has denied asking for a trade from Toronto saying he wants to retire a Maple Leaf and enjoys having plenty of time to golf.
A couple of rumours on the internet are getting serious attention. One is that former FBI Director was black and another that current NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has been at times right.
Toronto Raptors forward Chris Bosh has created a video to help him get elected to the All Star Game. If you listen closely his girlfriend can be heard in the background talking smack about the other contenders.
The US Presidential election is heating up with voters calling for change or as Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. calls it sacrilege.
Don Cherry is the subject of “Who Do You Think You Are?” a show which tells people about their ancestry. If you break Don’s ancestry down he is part Swedish part French Canadian.
Roberto Luongo won’t be playing in the All Star game saying he would rather see his pregnant wife get bigger than his goals against average.
After beating Finland 17-0 to get to the semi-finals of the Women’s World Under 18 Hockey Championships Canada showed the World what every Canadian man knows. Canadian women show no mercy! This is the worst beating administered by a Canadian Women’s team since Jean Chretien tried to go up against the Raging Grannies.
The International Olympic Committee will not allow women to compete in ski jumping at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. The IOC says it is based on technical merit and does not have anything to do with gender, so women everywhere can stop worrying their pretty little heads. The IOC will review the decision but will wait until it’s the right time of the month.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Katz Came Back!
It turns out the person taunting Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James was Toronto Raptors forward Chris Bosh’s girlfriend Alison. I guess this is a whole new meaning to giving a shout out to your man.
First it was Barry Bond’s former lover, then the Jessica Simpson saga and now the girlfriend of Chris Bosh. It seems the only athlete not having trouble with women is Travis Henry because he keeps them barefoot or pregnant.
Roger Clemens says he has to go on the offensive to protect his reputation. To him the best way to counter charges he has taken steroids apparently is to go berserk at a news conference. Just for the record Ghandi has a reputation, Martin Luther King Jr. has a reputation, Clemens has an ERA.
Teemu Selane says he will decide in two weeks weather to come out of self imposed retirement to play with the Anaheim Ducks. Teemu says the decision will be based on who cries the most, his newborn baby girl or Anaheim GM Brian Burke.
NY Yankees Andy Pettitte has not yet decided if he will testify before the U.S. Congress on steroid use next week. Pettitte is trying to get a deal where he talks before Clemens totally pisses the Committee off.
Soccer player Ever Banega recently signed by Valencia had a sexually explicit video of him posted to a site showing that Ever is ready. Ever has apologized to his teammates, not for offending them but for showing them up.
This summer the Edmonton Oilers couldn’t give enough money to people to come and play for them. Now they are turning down an offer from Daryl Katz who wants to buy the team for an over-inflated price and put in $100 million towards a new home for them? Come on people, if you have a Billionaire who owns a string of pharmacies even Roger Clemens would sign with you.
One great thing about Goose Gossage is you know the only drug he might have been on was extra strength Rogaine. The Hall of Fame voters have made a statement with Mark McGuire about how they will view players connected to steroids and it looks like the players will be getting it in the ass again.
NY Knicks star Jason Kidd recorded 3 triple doubles in losses this week which was matched by fans who ordered triples and double to celebrate.
First it was Barry Bond’s former lover, then the Jessica Simpson saga and now the girlfriend of Chris Bosh. It seems the only athlete not having trouble with women is Travis Henry because he keeps them barefoot or pregnant.
Roger Clemens says he has to go on the offensive to protect his reputation. To him the best way to counter charges he has taken steroids apparently is to go berserk at a news conference. Just for the record Ghandi has a reputation, Martin Luther King Jr. has a reputation, Clemens has an ERA.
Teemu Selane says he will decide in two weeks weather to come out of self imposed retirement to play with the Anaheim Ducks. Teemu says the decision will be based on who cries the most, his newborn baby girl or Anaheim GM Brian Burke.
NY Yankees Andy Pettitte has not yet decided if he will testify before the U.S. Congress on steroid use next week. Pettitte is trying to get a deal where he talks before Clemens totally pisses the Committee off.
Soccer player Ever Banega recently signed by Valencia had a sexually explicit video of him posted to a site showing that Ever is ready. Ever has apologized to his teammates, not for offending them but for showing them up.
This summer the Edmonton Oilers couldn’t give enough money to people to come and play for them. Now they are turning down an offer from Daryl Katz who wants to buy the team for an over-inflated price and put in $100 million towards a new home for them? Come on people, if you have a Billionaire who owns a string of pharmacies even Roger Clemens would sign with you.
One great thing about Goose Gossage is you know the only drug he might have been on was extra strength Rogaine. The Hall of Fame voters have made a statement with Mark McGuire about how they will view players connected to steroids and it looks like the players will be getting it in the ass again.
NY Knicks star Jason Kidd recorded 3 triple doubles in losses this week which was matched by fans who ordered triples and double to celebrate.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Testing...Testing...
Roger Clemens says he doesn’t give a “rat’s ass” about being inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame. A spokesperson for rats everywhere has issued a reply saying he should worry about his own ass.
After playing parts of a telephone conversation with his trainer Clemens finally came clean and said he was being sponsored by Clearnet.
Clemens says Macnamee shouldn’t think about coming to see him because his family is really angry and worse they have been following his own training regime.
A book about movie star Tom Cruise says he impregnated his wife with frozen sperm from Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. When told about this Denver Bronco’s running back Travis Henry said “Hey I was free that weekend”.
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been transferred to a new prison to begin drug rehabilitation treatment. The treatment is specially designed to help people make get off drugs, avoid making bad choices and stop throwing into double coverage.
The City of New York was inundated by a foul odour this week. Sources say possible causes were a sewage treatment problem, broken water mains or the skeletons in the closet of the NY Yankees.
Panasonic has unveiled the world’s largest flat screen TV. Company officials say the picture quality is so good you can see the needle marks on most professional athletes.
Although the screen is 150 inches it is still can’t fit all the egos on NFL Countdown. The only glitch with the TV for hockey fans is the automatic colour control sensor which shuts the TV down when Don Cherry comes on. The TV is proving a hit for divorce lawyers who have a nickname for it “Exhibit A”.
Despite only losing 1 game in regulation in the last 15 the Calgary Flames will not be on Hockey Night in Canada in the month of January. A spokesperson with the CBC says it’s not their fault the schedule doesn’t allow then to play the Maple Leafs more often.
Ottawa Senators goalie Ray Emery got into a fight during practice with tough guy Brian McGrattan. The fight was quickly broken up after teammates reminded Emery it could affect his modelling career.
Shaquille O’Neil has returned home to get some treatment on his injured hip. O’Neil says he hopes to get back to playing better than ever once he finishes the workout regiment prescribed by his new trainer Brian Macnamee.
The Green Bay Packers have given GM Ted Thompson a 5 year contract extension. Thompson was pleased with the terms of the deal which will allow him to stick around while quarterback Brett Favre matures.
A bear in a German Zoo has eaten her own cub. There is a name for this condition; it is called being a Buffalo Bills quarterback.
French company MDI Enterprises has developed an automobile that runs on compressed air. They say this is just a prototype for the next generation of vehicles to be called the Roger-K Cars which will run on hot air and bluster.
67 year old Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs has decided to call it quits. Age was a factor with Gibbs saying the success of Brett Favre and Vinnie Testaverte he has convinced him to get into shape and try out for the team next year.
After #2 Louisiana beat #1Ohio State in the BCS Bowl it proved without a doubt that #3 Michigan deserves to be College football champions. The only thing more confusing than the College football ranking system is the Toronto Maple Leafs scouting system.
Acting on recommendations in the Mitchell Report, Major League Baseball will crack down on clubhouse security. Among the changes: Teams will no longer be notified the night before drug testing personnel arrive, all clubs must have a designated area in home and visiting clubhouses for tests to be collected and each club will be limited to 2 designated testers per team.
China has released results from their drug test and they are happy with the results. Tests showed only 15 athletes were positive for banned substances and most of those were weightlifters that showed increased levels of lead.
After playing parts of a telephone conversation with his trainer Clemens finally came clean and said he was being sponsored by Clearnet.
Clemens says Macnamee shouldn’t think about coming to see him because his family is really angry and worse they have been following his own training regime.
A book about movie star Tom Cruise says he impregnated his wife with frozen sperm from Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. When told about this Denver Bronco’s running back Travis Henry said “Hey I was free that weekend”.
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been transferred to a new prison to begin drug rehabilitation treatment. The treatment is specially designed to help people make get off drugs, avoid making bad choices and stop throwing into double coverage.
The City of New York was inundated by a foul odour this week. Sources say possible causes were a sewage treatment problem, broken water mains or the skeletons in the closet of the NY Yankees.
Panasonic has unveiled the world’s largest flat screen TV. Company officials say the picture quality is so good you can see the needle marks on most professional athletes.
Although the screen is 150 inches it is still can’t fit all the egos on NFL Countdown. The only glitch with the TV for hockey fans is the automatic colour control sensor which shuts the TV down when Don Cherry comes on. The TV is proving a hit for divorce lawyers who have a nickname for it “Exhibit A”.
Despite only losing 1 game in regulation in the last 15 the Calgary Flames will not be on Hockey Night in Canada in the month of January. A spokesperson with the CBC says it’s not their fault the schedule doesn’t allow then to play the Maple Leafs more often.
Ottawa Senators goalie Ray Emery got into a fight during practice with tough guy Brian McGrattan. The fight was quickly broken up after teammates reminded Emery it could affect his modelling career.
Shaquille O’Neil has returned home to get some treatment on his injured hip. O’Neil says he hopes to get back to playing better than ever once he finishes the workout regiment prescribed by his new trainer Brian Macnamee.
The Green Bay Packers have given GM Ted Thompson a 5 year contract extension. Thompson was pleased with the terms of the deal which will allow him to stick around while quarterback Brett Favre matures.
A bear in a German Zoo has eaten her own cub. There is a name for this condition; it is called being a Buffalo Bills quarterback.
French company MDI Enterprises has developed an automobile that runs on compressed air. They say this is just a prototype for the next generation of vehicles to be called the Roger-K Cars which will run on hot air and bluster.
67 year old Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs has decided to call it quits. Age was a factor with Gibbs saying the success of Brett Favre and Vinnie Testaverte he has convinced him to get into shape and try out for the team next year.
After #2 Louisiana beat #1Ohio State in the BCS Bowl it proved without a doubt that #3 Michigan deserves to be College football champions. The only thing more confusing than the College football ranking system is the Toronto Maple Leafs scouting system.
Acting on recommendations in the Mitchell Report, Major League Baseball will crack down on clubhouse security. Among the changes: Teams will no longer be notified the night before drug testing personnel arrive, all clubs must have a designated area in home and visiting clubhouses for tests to be collected and each club will be limited to 2 designated testers per team.
China has released results from their drug test and they are happy with the results. Tests showed only 15 athletes were positive for banned substances and most of those were weightlifters that showed increased levels of lead.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Roger and Out!
Former Formula 1 owner Alex Shnaider is said to be interested in purchasing the Toronto Maple Leafs. Shnaider says that although he has no hockey experience he is familiar with spinning his wheels and going around in circles.
After losing another game when leading after 2 periods, the Toronto Maple Leafs have asked the competition committee to change the game to 2-30 minute periods.
Roger Clemens says he will testify at a hearing on steroid use in baseball as long as it doesn’t conflict with his other obligations. In trying to determine a date Clemens says Feb. 30th and Sept. 31 are possible.
Top 3 New Year’s resolutions for MLB.
#3 Hire only mute clubhouse attendants
#2 Institute mandatory drug testing for fans of the Tampa Bay Devils and NY Mets
#1 New Commissioner Jose Canseco
After seeing what happened to the guy that taunted the tiger in San Diego you would think the Toronto Raptors would have left Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron James alone. Instead they too got mauled.
Roger Clemens and the trainer that blew the whistle on his drug use Brian Mcnamee had an hour long phone call. Sources close to Clemens say the conversation didn’t clear up their differences and there are no plans to put each other on their favourite 5 plans. Clemens was particularly upset that Mcnamee refused to go to jail for him saying “you have to learn to take one for the team”.
Clemens says he will appear for testimony but only if he can bring a reliever for when the questions get tough.
Jeremy Roenick is quoted saying “the whole organization would be on suicide watch” if they didn’t have such a great road record. Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. was unavailable for comment although the Doctors did give him back his shoelaces.
Watching Sweden get into the Junior Hockey gold medal game after years of mediocrity I guess you could say their program is Bjorn again.
The Boston Red Sox brought the World Series trophy to Nova Scotia. The team wanted to thank the fans for cheering for them despite the fact Toronto has a team. If the Red Sox had done their homework they would have found out almost every city in Canada cheers against Toronto, it’s who we are.
A recent study says men have a better sense of humour than women because of our elevated testosterone levels. If that was the case you would think Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens would have a future in comedy.
Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf has reportedly turned down a 5 year $30 million contract offer. Dion says he is waiting to see how much he can make once the NHL GM’s brains take the month of July off. Dion is one of the game’s best young defenseman and will undoubtedly be able to play the 50 minutes a game that will be required of him once he takes up 60% of the salary cap. It must be the new way kids spell but I can’t remember seeing an I in greed.
I’m not sure if Roger Clemens is getting good advice. First he says he wasn’t injected with drugs, and then he says he was but they were just vitamins and now he is saying he did but he didn’t inhale.
The Miami Dolphins are said to be interested in hiring Dallas Cowboys assistant coach Tony Sparano. Now there’s an offer he really should refuse. If they fail to land him sources say the next move is to draft Big Pussy for left tackle.
Rick Hartmann is looking to file a lawsuit saying he was unable to crack the big leagues of baseball because he did not take steroids. Former teammates say he had all the tools and was one shot away from getting his shot. A spokesman for MLB says the suit is groundless and any player that really wanted to be a big leaguer would have taken the drugs and lied like the rest of them.
A major scandal in the new reality show American Gladiator when a contestant tested negative for steroids. Sources close to the show says he was just mocking the dedication of the other athletes.
After losing another game when leading after 2 periods, the Toronto Maple Leafs have asked the competition committee to change the game to 2-30 minute periods.
Roger Clemens says he will testify at a hearing on steroid use in baseball as long as it doesn’t conflict with his other obligations. In trying to determine a date Clemens says Feb. 30th and Sept. 31 are possible.
Top 3 New Year’s resolutions for MLB.
#3 Hire only mute clubhouse attendants
#2 Institute mandatory drug testing for fans of the Tampa Bay Devils and NY Mets
#1 New Commissioner Jose Canseco
After seeing what happened to the guy that taunted the tiger in San Diego you would think the Toronto Raptors would have left Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron James alone. Instead they too got mauled.
Roger Clemens and the trainer that blew the whistle on his drug use Brian Mcnamee had an hour long phone call. Sources close to Clemens say the conversation didn’t clear up their differences and there are no plans to put each other on their favourite 5 plans. Clemens was particularly upset that Mcnamee refused to go to jail for him saying “you have to learn to take one for the team”.
Clemens says he will appear for testimony but only if he can bring a reliever for when the questions get tough.
Jeremy Roenick is quoted saying “the whole organization would be on suicide watch” if they didn’t have such a great road record. Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. was unavailable for comment although the Doctors did give him back his shoelaces.
Watching Sweden get into the Junior Hockey gold medal game after years of mediocrity I guess you could say their program is Bjorn again.
The Boston Red Sox brought the World Series trophy to Nova Scotia. The team wanted to thank the fans for cheering for them despite the fact Toronto has a team. If the Red Sox had done their homework they would have found out almost every city in Canada cheers against Toronto, it’s who we are.
A recent study says men have a better sense of humour than women because of our elevated testosterone levels. If that was the case you would think Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens would have a future in comedy.
Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf has reportedly turned down a 5 year $30 million contract offer. Dion says he is waiting to see how much he can make once the NHL GM’s brains take the month of July off. Dion is one of the game’s best young defenseman and will undoubtedly be able to play the 50 minutes a game that will be required of him once he takes up 60% of the salary cap. It must be the new way kids spell but I can’t remember seeing an I in greed.
I’m not sure if Roger Clemens is getting good advice. First he says he wasn’t injected with drugs, and then he says he was but they were just vitamins and now he is saying he did but he didn’t inhale.
The Miami Dolphins are said to be interested in hiring Dallas Cowboys assistant coach Tony Sparano. Now there’s an offer he really should refuse. If they fail to land him sources say the next move is to draft Big Pussy for left tackle.
Rick Hartmann is looking to file a lawsuit saying he was unable to crack the big leagues of baseball because he did not take steroids. Former teammates say he had all the tools and was one shot away from getting his shot. A spokesman for MLB says the suit is groundless and any player that really wanted to be a big leaguer would have taken the drugs and lied like the rest of them.
A major scandal in the new reality show American Gladiator when a contestant tested negative for steroids. Sources close to the show says he was just mocking the dedication of the other athletes.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Blowing it!
A telling statistic for the Toronto Maple Leafs is that forward Mark Bell has a shot per goal percentage of .077 just slightly below what he blew on a breathalyser.
Despite the success in cutting down on fan rowdiness, the NY Jets have decided to resume selling alcohol for their home games. This is the first time in years the Jets have something brewing in the off season.
The Baltimore Ravens fired head coach Brian Billick. It seems the loss to Miami was his vice.
After winning the Spengler Cup for Team Canada 40 year old goalie Curtis Joseph says he is considering an offer from the Toronto Maple Leafs. Terms of the contract will be revealed later when GM John Ferguson Jr. Finishes extending the contracts of Jason Blake and Mark Bell.
Watching the Winter Classic I finally found someone easier to get around than the Toronto Maple Leafs defence... Frosty the Snowman.
The San Diego Zoo said they had no idea a Tiger could climb a 12’ fence to get at a person who was taunting him. They obviously didn’t see the time Boston Bruins players climbed the Plexiglas to get at someone in the stands of Madison Square Garden’s. If a hockey player can do it with skates on then the Tiger was a shoe in. NY Rangers forward Sean Avery wanted to see tape of the event so he could hone his own taunting skills.
In an effort to teach rookie David Clarkson to stop waving his stick around like a flag pole New Jersey Devils coach Brent Sutter tapped a towel to his stick. The tactic was so successful Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager John Ferguson Jr. is going to staple a white flag to his cell phone when talking to other GM’s about possible trades.
A new season of the Apprentice has started with celebrities on the roster. Among the contestants are former Olympic gold medalist Nadia Comaneci, boxer Lennox Lewis, mixed martial arts champion Tito Ortiz and softball player Jennie Finch. Out of all the contenders Finch seems to have the inside track because she can lowball the rest.
Not sure who hears “Your Fired” more this month contestants on The Apprentice or NFL coaches who don’t make the playoffs.
After spending over $100 for one of the new moisture resistant NHL jerseys I was sweating that my Visa wouldn’t allow the purchase.
Sprinter Marion Jones is asking she not receive jail time for her use of illegal drugs saying her public disgrace and humiliation are punishment enough. Her defence team agreed saying it was worth a shot.
I tuned in the TV last night and thought the NHL playoffs had started early but it was just David Letterman and Conan O’Brien sporting beards.
I can’t help but wonder who would be affected more by Hollywood strikes Jay Leno with no writers or Bill Belichick without cameramen.
Watching Jay Leno perform his own jokes is like Matt Linehart having to come up with his own pick-up lines.
After advising Edmonton Oilers shareholders to reject Rexall Drugs owner Daryl Katz’s $188 million offer to purchase the team doctors have advised Chairman Bill Butler to go back on his medications.
Canadian Junior hockey player Wayne Simmonds kissed fellow teammate John Tavares on the cage after scoring a goal against Finland. This is the first athlete kissed while in a cage since Michael Vick made a new friend in prison.
The Toronto Blue Jays signed Reed Johnson to a $3.27 million contract despite having a poor year. Asked to comment Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson said Johnson “seemed like a bargain”.
Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was voted the NFL’s most offensive rookie while the tile of most offensive player was awarded to Pacman Jones despite not playing during the year.
Monday, December 24, 2007
To Pee or Not to Pee
In an effort to keep children from harm Schools in Canada have banned the book The Golden Compass and the 2007 Miami Dolphin s playbook.
Singer Paula Abdul had her urine stolen recently and in a related story Roger Clemens has turned in a clean urine sample although it is showing he is pre-menopausal.
NHLPA Paul Kelly says he feels the union should be consulted on suspensions. That way they can have the time to properly script the outrage in advance of the suspension. Paul says the union might be in favour of heavier sentences especially against players not toting the unions’ party line.
Marion Gaberick scored five goals in a game this week and Minnesota Wild players thought it was the start of a new offensive philosophy, but it was a trap.
Recent post from the diary of disgraced track star Marion Jones, “Started training, what a pain in the ass”.
Roger Clemens says he will tell all in a 60 minutes interview in the New Year. Roger will deny using steroids and then break a bat over the head of the cameraman for shooting him too tight. With all the evidence how can you not think Roger was in the clear?
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Rom is denying reports Jessica Simpson is affecting his game. Tony says Jessica has her hands full ruining her own career. As a punishment for his poor performance against Philadelphia, Romo was forced to watch video of both the game and Jessica’s new movie Blond Ambition.
Due to the recent reports of athletes abusing performance enhancing drugs YouTube is creating a new category called denials.
Dallas Cowboy receiver Patrick Crayton was happy the team finished ahead of Green Bay because “We do not want to play in Saskatchewan”. This is the first time Saskatchewan has been uttered by an American athlete not trying to answer a question on Jeopardy
Kobe Bryant was the fastest NBA player to reach 20,000 points and the first one to do it without acknowledging any teammate had a hand in the feat. Kobe was so happy he bought his wife some jewelery for no particular reason.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Best Before Date
The Vancouver Canucks are saying Coach Marc Crawford has already paid for his involvement on the attack on Steve Moore. He’s coaching LA isn’t that punishment enough?
The performance drug question seems to be having an effect on signings for MLB players. Instead of multiyear contracts owners seem to be sticking to the drug manufacturers recommended 1 year shelf life.
Chris Simon received 30 games for trying to saw off a player’s leg but in the spirit of the season will still be invited to carve the NY Islanders Christmas turkey.
After winning 6 games in a row on a brutal road trip the Calgary Flames are trying to re-create the feeling by having their loved ones serve them room service.
Terrell Owens says Jessica Simpson is a distraction to Tony Romo and for his outburst there goes Owens chances of being named Employee of the Month. Jessica’s latest movie is so bad it is going direct to video except in Texas where the screening has been a boon to tomato sellers.
The performance drug question seems to be having an effect on signings for MLB players. Instead of multiyear contracts owners seem to be sticking to the drug manufacturers recommended 1 year shelf life.
Chris Simon received 30 games for trying to saw off a player’s leg but in the spirit of the season will still be invited to carve the NY Islanders Christmas turkey.
After winning 6 games in a row on a brutal road trip the Calgary Flames are trying to re-create the feeling by having their loved ones serve them room service.
Terrell Owens says Jessica Simpson is a distraction to Tony Romo and for his outburst there goes Owens chances of being named Employee of the Month. Jessica’s latest movie is so bad it is going direct to video except in Texas where the screening has been a boon to tomato sellers.
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