A sign you may not win the tour du France... every time you try to light a cigarette the wind blows out your match
A sign you may not win the Tour de France...your high performance secret sauce is from McDonalds
Japan's sumo wrestlers are hitting the beach to promote environmental awareness and to remain carbon neutral planted a forest
A sign you may not win the Tour de France...your blood doping expert is Dracula
The Toronto Argos are leaving Arland Bruce off the team saying he should beat it
Japan's sumo wrestlers are hitting the beach to promote environmental awareness trouble is they keep getting pushed back into the water
Manny enters in the 6th inning and hits a grand slam... says he is feeling better in the 2nd trimester
Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say they managed to make a clean sweep of the goods
Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say it looked like an in the house job done by hacks
Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say it wasn't a professional job and likely the work of an in turn
Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say a witness heard the robbers yelling hurry...hard...hard
Kush Support claims to help endowed women sleep better when placed between the breasts replacing the old way a wad 20's from Pacman Jones
The world of news reporting was stunned when it was learned the death of Walter Cronkite was first reported on a Twitter from Chad Ochocinco
After tossing Galaxy fans the bird I guess David can now extend it like Beckham
A Japenese firm has invented a device that turns a dog’s bark into words like I'm hungry, play with me and Help! Michael Vick is free
Both Lance Armstrong and Tom thought they could see their way to victory but it appears they forgot their bi-focals
Tom Watson failing to win the British Open and Lance Armstrong falling back on the Tour de France I guess old isn't the new young
It won't be long before Tom Watson will be telling his grandchildren about how he almost won the British Open walking uphill, into a blizzard, barefoot
A big shout out to Sherlock Holmes for finding Watson's ball on 17
A report says Watermelons may prevent erectile dysfunction which may explain all the dicks at Mosiac field
A report says Watermelons may prevent erectile dysfunction which may explain why the Roughriders were playing like stiffs against the Alouettes...
Officials say the H1N1 flu could rank with the Bubonic flu of the 1600's , Spanish Flu of the 1900' or the Philly Flu of the Flyers Cup run
World Anti-Drugging Association to investigate the performance enhancing properties of Metamucil, Bran Flakes and Geritol
The British Open... you can't spell fescue without FU
Headline: Tom Watson a stroke off the pace maker
Max Mosley goose stepping down from F-1 Reich or Wrong?
Must be the farmer in me coming out but watching the British Open all I can think is look at the fescue on that one
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Visa la Yankee
San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson left his bride at the altar surprising no one with his reluctance to take it to the hole
Travis Henry was sentenced to 3 years for drug trafficking which works out to 3,768 conjugal visits
After a day of gouging, low blows and hits from behind NFL players were glad to get out of Congress and back to the field
When a Visa bill for $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 showed up a Texas man said that was the last time he takes the family to a Yankee game
A man who got a $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 Visa bill was torn the payments were killer but the bonus points got him a seat on the Shuttle
I'm waiting for Allan Iverson's new rant over his latest salary offers...Pittance... we're talking about pittance!!
I wonder how much of Gary Bettman’s $7.1 million salary is held back in escrow?
The owners of the Chicago Cubs may put the team into bankruptcy to hasten the sale but worry they may become known as losers
A report says swearing increases tolerance to pain which explains how Leaf fans survive the season long agony
The romance between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo is dead...with Cowboy fans wearing their Daisy Dukes at half assed
Most NFL teams see retro jerseys as a license to print money Bengals find it more of a license to build plates
Phoenix owner Jerry Moyes is accusing bidders of colluding to produce an uncompetitive bid or as the teams scouting staff call it draft day
Headline: Boxer Arturo Gatti loses fight for biggest purse of his life
Nike confiscated an embarrassing tape of a kid dunking on King James... Leafs have asked CBC to bury the footage of the team from ’68-‘09
Canada hosts hockey tournament on Israel/Lebanon border ...Middle East Peace eh?
NBA Commissioner spends vacation scaling mountain while the NHL's tries to dig out from a mountain of crap
The wife of Arturo Gatti is being held by Police because she didn't see her husband was dead in the Hotel for 10 hrs. My girlfriend is still not seeing the connection
The Saskatchewan Roughrider defence gave the Toronto Argos a whole new definition of getting a Chickkicking
The Argos seem to be playing flag football.
Is a shovel pass eligible for infrastructure funding?
I found a great new tool to watch games on TSN it's not HD it's MUTE! Does HD mean hopefully deaf?
Wearing my green underwear for the Roughrider game today... girlfriend says they weren't originally green...
Harry Potter opened this weekend the story of a girl attracted to a boy with a magic wand. Travis Henry is suing.
Winnipeg spying on Hamilton is like Angelina Jolie getting diet advice from Rosie O’Donnell
F-1 Chairman Max Mosley says he will step down this year so he can devote more time to humiliating his family
Tom Watson nearly shot his age in the British Open and not to be outdone John Daley shot his pant size
Top 5 excuses for failing a drug test
# 5 Gave mouth to mouth to Amy Winehouse
# 4 Ate a genetically modified prairie oyster
# 3 Mixed up steroid with haemorrhoid cream
# 2 Ate my teenagers brownies by mistake
# 1 Left the untainted pee in my other pants
Travis Henry was sentenced to 3 years for drug trafficking which works out to 3,768 conjugal visits
After a day of gouging, low blows and hits from behind NFL players were glad to get out of Congress and back to the field
When a Visa bill for $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 showed up a Texas man said that was the last time he takes the family to a Yankee game
A man who got a $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 Visa bill was torn the payments were killer but the bonus points got him a seat on the Shuttle
I'm waiting for Allan Iverson's new rant over his latest salary offers...Pittance... we're talking about pittance!!
I wonder how much of Gary Bettman’s $7.1 million salary is held back in escrow?
The owners of the Chicago Cubs may put the team into bankruptcy to hasten the sale but worry they may become known as losers
A report says swearing increases tolerance to pain which explains how Leaf fans survive the season long agony
The romance between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo is dead...with Cowboy fans wearing their Daisy Dukes at half assed
Most NFL teams see retro jerseys as a license to print money Bengals find it more of a license to build plates
Phoenix owner Jerry Moyes is accusing bidders of colluding to produce an uncompetitive bid or as the teams scouting staff call it draft day
Headline: Boxer Arturo Gatti loses fight for biggest purse of his life
Nike confiscated an embarrassing tape of a kid dunking on King James... Leafs have asked CBC to bury the footage of the team from ’68-‘09
Canada hosts hockey tournament on Israel/Lebanon border ...Middle East Peace eh?
NBA Commissioner spends vacation scaling mountain while the NHL's tries to dig out from a mountain of crap
The wife of Arturo Gatti is being held by Police because she didn't see her husband was dead in the Hotel for 10 hrs. My girlfriend is still not seeing the connection
The Saskatchewan Roughrider defence gave the Toronto Argos a whole new definition of getting a Chickkicking
The Argos seem to be playing flag football.
Is a shovel pass eligible for infrastructure funding?
I found a great new tool to watch games on TSN it's not HD it's MUTE! Does HD mean hopefully deaf?
Wearing my green underwear for the Roughrider game today... girlfriend says they weren't originally green...
Harry Potter opened this weekend the story of a girl attracted to a boy with a magic wand. Travis Henry is suing.
Winnipeg spying on Hamilton is like Angelina Jolie getting diet advice from Rosie O’Donnell
F-1 Chairman Max Mosley says he will step down this year so he can devote more time to humiliating his family
Tom Watson nearly shot his age in the British Open and not to be outdone John Daley shot his pant size
Top 5 excuses for failing a drug test
# 5 Gave mouth to mouth to Amy Winehouse
# 4 Ate a genetically modified prairie oyster
# 3 Mixed up steroid with haemorrhoid cream
# 2 Ate my teenagers brownies by mistake
# 1 Left the untainted pee in my other pants
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Dine and Equine
Chad Ocho Cinco wants to send updates to his fans during the game since he is usually doing sweet tweet anyway
There was fantastic competition at the World Jewish Games, with almost every race won by a nose.
Former US figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was charged with running a drug ring which has thrown everyone for a triple loop
The only chance Bobek has in beating the rap is if she can get a couple of French Judges at her trial
You could tell BJ Ryan was finished as a closer because he would enter games to Boy Georges "Do you really want to hurt me?"
The Indiana Pacers deny being too "white" saying they only look for the cream of the crop
Bad news 2 horses killed during the Calgary Stampede... on the bright side there are ingredients for a whole new episode of The Wild Chef
A signed picture of Sidney Crosby was stolen from a Tim Horton’s... police say if the thief is caught he will be in double double trouble
There was fantastic competition at the World Jewish Games, with almost every race won by a nose.
Former US figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was charged with running a drug ring which has thrown everyone for a triple loop
The only chance Bobek has in beating the rap is if she can get a couple of French Judges at her trial
You could tell BJ Ryan was finished as a closer because he would enter games to Boy Georges "Do you really want to hurt me?"
The Indiana Pacers deny being too "white" saying they only look for the cream of the crop
Bad news 2 horses killed during the Calgary Stampede... on the bright side there are ingredients for a whole new episode of The Wild Chef
A signed picture of Sidney Crosby was stolen from a Tim Horton’s... police say if the thief is caught he will be in double double trouble
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
MY 1st Fan Letter!
As this is my 200th post I was thrilled to receive my 1st ever letter from a fan... I don't want to gloat so I will only show a part of it...
Derek Wilken is a comic and teaches comedy! Obviously he is confused as to the difference between comedy and childish commentary. Nothing he says is by any stretch of the imagination funny. Spiteful, childish, inane,ridiculous, just plain dumb, would better describe his contribution.
I wish mom were alive... she would be so proud!
Derek Wilken is a comic and teaches comedy! Obviously he is confused as to the difference between comedy and childish commentary. Nothing he says is by any stretch of the imagination funny. Spiteful, childish, inane,ridiculous, just plain dumb, would better describe his contribution.
I wish mom were alive... she would be so proud!
Fore Skins Game
I’m not sure Manny has the entire fertility drug out of his system because after hitting a home run he gave the fans a curtsy call..
PRTA is calling on TV broadcasters to boycott the Calgary Stampede saying it is complicit in the cruelty. I guess that means the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) must be guilty of crimes against humanity for giving us so many Leaf, Raptor, Jays and Argos games.
A village in Saskatchewan has built a replica of the Eifel Tower in order to attract tourists and investment. When asked to comment Gary Bettman said nice try, but you still don’t get a franchise.
The BC Civil Liberties Association has accused the International Olympic Committee of restricting free speech. Asked to comment an Olympic spokesman said “ “.
The Staples Center in Los Angles is holding an on-line auction for the tickets to Michael Jackson’s memorial service. The LA Clippers were hoping to cash in on the frenzy by offering season tickets to see their stiffs at the same time.
Until Danny Heatley rejected an offer to play with the Oilers I didn’t even know he was married.
Watching Jessie Lumsden reminds me of the Kindergarten song “head and shoulder knees and toe...knees and toes.”
Over 1.6 million people applied for tickets to see memorial service of Michael Jackson. This surpasses the previous record for people wanting to see a morbid spectacle set by Maple Leaf season ticket hopefuls.
Last Twitter update from Steve McNair... just bought my girlfriend the cutest gun...
What is more interesting the running of the bulls in Pamplona or the spreading of the bull by Gary Bettman?
Jewish athletes from all over the world have gathered to compete in athletic events but alas no golf skins game.
Scientists have detected a hormone which can tell women the moment they become pregnant thus replacing the old way hooking up with an NBA player.
Baseball Wives is another TV show filled with women I could never get to 2nd base with
PRTA is calling on TV broadcasters to boycott the Calgary Stampede saying it is complicit in the cruelty. I guess that means the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) must be guilty of crimes against humanity for giving us so many Leaf, Raptor, Jays and Argos games.
A village in Saskatchewan has built a replica of the Eifel Tower in order to attract tourists and investment. When asked to comment Gary Bettman said nice try, but you still don’t get a franchise.
The BC Civil Liberties Association has accused the International Olympic Committee of restricting free speech. Asked to comment an Olympic spokesman said “ “.
The Staples Center in Los Angles is holding an on-line auction for the tickets to Michael Jackson’s memorial service. The LA Clippers were hoping to cash in on the frenzy by offering season tickets to see their stiffs at the same time.
Until Danny Heatley rejected an offer to play with the Oilers I didn’t even know he was married.
Watching Jessie Lumsden reminds me of the Kindergarten song “head and shoulder knees and toe...knees and toes.”
Over 1.6 million people applied for tickets to see memorial service of Michael Jackson. This surpasses the previous record for people wanting to see a morbid spectacle set by Maple Leaf season ticket hopefuls.
Last Twitter update from Steve McNair... just bought my girlfriend the cutest gun...
What is more interesting the running of the bulls in Pamplona or the spreading of the bull by Gary Bettman?
Jewish athletes from all over the world have gathered to compete in athletic events but alas no golf skins game.
Scientists have detected a hormone which can tell women the moment they become pregnant thus replacing the old way hooking up with an NBA player.
Baseball Wives is another TV show filled with women I could never get to 2nd base with
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Homely Court Disadvantage
Twitter has scored another 1st as they were able to capture the whole press conference announcing the signing of Jay Boumeester with Daryl Sutter in less than 140 characters.
Mike Holmes has been named the parade marshal for the Calgary Stampede and while he was in town did some work by checking out the foundations at Cowboys.
Wimbledon is under fire for admitting they chose the Centre Court players based on looks. This is a 180 degree reversal from an earlier decision to give English players the limelight.
Top 5 signs you are too ugly to play at Center Court in Wimbledon
# 5 Your dentist is British
# 4 The press describes you as having a bangers and mash complexion
# 3 Travis Henry turned you down for a conjugal visit
# 2 You had cosmetic surgery from Michael Jacksons Doctor
# 1 Your doubles partner wears blinders
NBA free agents are being given far less than in previous years with some going so far as to use condoms rather than pay more child support.
The CFL game between Toronto and Hamilton featured tributes to Michael Jackson with the Argos Arland Bruce imitating him in death after scoring a touchdown and the Tiger Cats copying his moon walk while on offense.
I think I have it straight, a Burka is a religious construct made of cotton used to protect the wearers’ modesty and a Brian Burka is a hockey contract made of money used to camouflage the players mediocrity.
A report says Canadians will have to work longer or have more kids to remain internationally competitive. The report was issued by a group including Brett Favre, Chris Chelios and Travis Henry.
So Canadians need to have more children, you know what that means... another NBA team is just about guaranteed.
Mike Holmes has been named the parade marshal for the Calgary Stampede and while he was in town did some work by checking out the foundations at Cowboys.
Wimbledon is under fire for admitting they chose the Centre Court players based on looks. This is a 180 degree reversal from an earlier decision to give English players the limelight.
Top 5 signs you are too ugly to play at Center Court in Wimbledon
# 5 Your dentist is British
# 4 The press describes you as having a bangers and mash complexion
# 3 Travis Henry turned you down for a conjugal visit
# 2 You had cosmetic surgery from Michael Jacksons Doctor
# 1 Your doubles partner wears blinders
NBA free agents are being given far less than in previous years with some going so far as to use condoms rather than pay more child support.
The CFL game between Toronto and Hamilton featured tributes to Michael Jackson with the Argos Arland Bruce imitating him in death after scoring a touchdown and the Tiger Cats copying his moon walk while on offense.
I think I have it straight, a Burka is a religious construct made of cotton used to protect the wearers’ modesty and a Brian Burka is a hockey contract made of money used to camouflage the players mediocrity.
A report says Canadians will have to work longer or have more kids to remain internationally competitive. The report was issued by a group including Brett Favre, Chris Chelios and Travis Henry.
So Canadians need to have more children, you know what that means... another NBA team is just about guaranteed.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Hole in Marketing
The coverage of the US Open was slightly tilted in praise of the US players. While Mike Weir held the early lead commentators attributed his lead to luck while beautiful swings from Michelson and Woods just had bad luck when the shot caught the bunkers, went out of bounds by a fraction or merely wounded spectators.
The biggest decisions facing the US Open were the rain delays, ticket refunds and what to do with all the video they pre-shot for Tiger Woods 1st Fathers Day win.
This just in: The Calgary Flames have announced the signing of Brent Sutter as their new head coach. Included in the deal was Brent’s ownership to the Red Deer Rebels which were then sent to New Jersey for the right to offer Brent the job.
New Jersey was originally holding out for the Flames stake in the Calgary Hitmen instead of the Rebels saying they felt a certain kinship.
Saturday was Soccer Day in Canada and the Moms taking the kids to the games agreed it was timed beautifully to precede Fathers Day.
The economy has really put the squeeze financially on this year’s US Open and I know it’s a Public Course and all but I think they have to stop taking tee times in between the players’ shots.
There was an awkward moment during the meeting between Gary Bettman and the NHL players when it was suggested the NHL was not on ESPN because they felt like a little fish in a big pond.
# 1 Twitter update from NFL players on Father’s Day... “Who’s your Daddy?”
NBC was so morose about the rain and Tiger not being in contention you almost expected them to close out coverage each day with Taps.
Why not re-name the course Beth Page Bath?
Maybe they won’t break any viewer records at this year’s US Open but it should get good numbers once it goes into rotation on the new Obituary Channel.
You would think the announcers have somewhere better to be on Monday instead of commenting on Golf.
With all the talk about hybrid clubs you would have thought the organizers could have gotten a sponsorship from Prius.
There is specualation the Molson bid for the Montreal Canadians is being funded by the Quebec Pension fund. This would explain the seemingly drunk decisions the agency took to lose 20% last year.
I wonder if they toasted the deal?
If they knew how much it would influence Russian boxing, I think the US might have nixed Rocky.
Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs is conditioning himself for his 1st draft with the team by jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth and leaping to speculation.
With the Raptors draft on Thurs. and the Leafs on Fri. It might be possible to blacken 2 days with one stroke of the pen.
Top 5 Fathers Day gifts for the Sutter Brothers
# 5 Flames ties
# 4 Flames socks
# 3 Flames golf balls
# 2 Flames cuff links
# 1 Flames Best Dad coffee mugs
Is it only a coincidence the Iranian revolution is wearing the same colours as the favourite team from Little Mosque on the Prairie?
The owner of Apple Stephen Jobs has been given a new liver in a transplant. Asked how he was able to keep the operation secret Jobs credited following the NHL injury disclosure policy.
A German equestrian rider was suspended after her horse tested positive for banned drugs. The horse was shocked blaming the test on a fertility drug commonly used by baseball players.
The suspension will be confirmed once they find a 5-gallon pail to get a B sample.
With President Obama throwing out the 1st pitch at the All-star game I hope he throws a change.
The USA beating Spain in soccer is being called the miracle on grass to which Michael Phelps replied try undressing a stripper after a few bong hits.
Alberta has outlawed armoured vehicles directly impacting gang members, drug dealers and payday deposits for the Flames.
South Carolina Gov. Sanford spent his Fathers Day having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Former NFL player Travis Henry says he was also out of the country for the day but did so to avoid the endless stream of pancakes from his kids.
ESPN viewed a pre draft special before their coverage of the NBA draft and not to be outdone Verses began their NHL draft coverage with a fly fishing special called the biggest catch.
The biggest decisions facing the US Open were the rain delays, ticket refunds and what to do with all the video they pre-shot for Tiger Woods 1st Fathers Day win.
This just in: The Calgary Flames have announced the signing of Brent Sutter as their new head coach. Included in the deal was Brent’s ownership to the Red Deer Rebels which were then sent to New Jersey for the right to offer Brent the job.
New Jersey was originally holding out for the Flames stake in the Calgary Hitmen instead of the Rebels saying they felt a certain kinship.
Saturday was Soccer Day in Canada and the Moms taking the kids to the games agreed it was timed beautifully to precede Fathers Day.
The economy has really put the squeeze financially on this year’s US Open and I know it’s a Public Course and all but I think they have to stop taking tee times in between the players’ shots.
There was an awkward moment during the meeting between Gary Bettman and the NHL players when it was suggested the NHL was not on ESPN because they felt like a little fish in a big pond.
# 1 Twitter update from NFL players on Father’s Day... “Who’s your Daddy?”
NBC was so morose about the rain and Tiger not being in contention you almost expected them to close out coverage each day with Taps.
Why not re-name the course Beth Page Bath?
Maybe they won’t break any viewer records at this year’s US Open but it should get good numbers once it goes into rotation on the new Obituary Channel.
You would think the announcers have somewhere better to be on Monday instead of commenting on Golf.
With all the talk about hybrid clubs you would have thought the organizers could have gotten a sponsorship from Prius.
There is specualation the Molson bid for the Montreal Canadians is being funded by the Quebec Pension fund. This would explain the seemingly drunk decisions the agency took to lose 20% last year.
I wonder if they toasted the deal?
If they knew how much it would influence Russian boxing, I think the US might have nixed Rocky.
Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs is conditioning himself for his 1st draft with the team by jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth and leaping to speculation.
With the Raptors draft on Thurs. and the Leafs on Fri. It might be possible to blacken 2 days with one stroke of the pen.
Top 5 Fathers Day gifts for the Sutter Brothers
# 5 Flames ties
# 4 Flames socks
# 3 Flames golf balls
# 2 Flames cuff links
# 1 Flames Best Dad coffee mugs
Is it only a coincidence the Iranian revolution is wearing the same colours as the favourite team from Little Mosque on the Prairie?
The owner of Apple Stephen Jobs has been given a new liver in a transplant. Asked how he was able to keep the operation secret Jobs credited following the NHL injury disclosure policy.
A German equestrian rider was suspended after her horse tested positive for banned drugs. The horse was shocked blaming the test on a fertility drug commonly used by baseball players.
The suspension will be confirmed once they find a 5-gallon pail to get a B sample.
With President Obama throwing out the 1st pitch at the All-star game I hope he throws a change.
The USA beating Spain in soccer is being called the miracle on grass to which Michael Phelps replied try undressing a stripper after a few bong hits.
Alberta has outlawed armoured vehicles directly impacting gang members, drug dealers and payday deposits for the Flames.
South Carolina Gov. Sanford spent his Fathers Day having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Former NFL player Travis Henry says he was also out of the country for the day but did so to avoid the endless stream of pancakes from his kids.
ESPN viewed a pre draft special before their coverage of the NBA draft and not to be outdone Verses began their NHL draft coverage with a fly fishing special called the biggest catch.
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