Top 5 signs your coach is overpaid
# 5 Buys his hoodies from Saks 5th Avenue
# 4 His favourite whine is a 1996 Chteau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac
# 3 The only thing he takes to the bank is his cheque
# 2 His spread offense looks more like a spread sheet
# 1 2 His go to guy is EF Hutton
Wayne Gretzky has quit as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes citing a conflict with the way they play and the way they pay
A Russian mafia boss Mikhail Prokhorov is interested in buying the NJ Nets prompting NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman to charge the Nets with tampering as they had already cleared him to buy the Coyotes
The amount of money being paid to F-1 for the privilege to race in Montreal is just another FU-2 Canadian taxpayers
Canadian officials were apologetic over sending body bags to northern reserves saying they should have been sent to the Phoenix Coyotes.
Mohamar Kaddafi made a rambling speech at the UN questioning the election of George Bush, JFK’s assignation and why College Football refuses to go to a playoff system
Sport Select had an interesting over under line of 33 being the total points scored between the Argonauts and Blue Bombers or the temperature in Calgary
The former coach of the NY Jets was fined for not disclosing Brett Favre had an injury. Favre was furious saying advanced arthritis was common in men his age not an injury
Mixed Martial Arts fighter Rampage Jackson says he will quit to pursue an acting career with his first job portraying Latoya Jackson in a made for TV movie
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Offensive moves
The Montreal Canadians have finalized the new ownership structure for their NHL team and in a surprise move named Bernie Madoff as an advisor to comply with an NHL tradition of having a designated crook on board.
The smallest crowd in Blue Jays history watched the team lose to Minnesota. A team spokesman said the crowd was very supportive and at times it only felt like the 2nd smallest. The lack of support is being heralded by City officials as another sign Toronto is world class and knows when they are being fleeced. They are turning their attention to more important matters like getting a ticket to see TO play.
Rafael Nadal was accosted by a man at the US Open who tried to give him a kiss. Prosecutors in NY say they will charge the man with the same crime as Plaxico Burris as they believe his gun in his pocket went off in a very public place.
Terrel Owens broke the news of Brady Quinn becoming the starting QB for Cleveland in a Tweet thus making him the Twit of the week.
After a summer free of elbowing, high sticking and sucker punches Canadians are getting excited for a return of their favourite sport, another Federal Election.
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke is considering an offer sheet for Bruins forward Phil Kessel. This is totally different from when Burke lost a player to an offer sheet because at that time it happened to him.
Top 5 signs your CFL team needs a new offensive coordinator
# 5 He still draws up plays with a stick
# 4 The last time the offense had a TD it was scored as an official’s error
# 3 Team punter has a repetitive strain injury
# 2 The QB keeps hearing laughter in his headset
# 1 They score less points than a Premier League Football Club
A shocking report from Health officials warns Canadian kids will have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. They go on to say if they cheer for the Leafs at least it will seem like an eternity.
The release of Beatles Rock Band has inspired other ‘60’s live action games including Leafs Cup where you get to pretend to be a part of a team that has won a championship. The game is currently unrated as it is a learning tool, a historical document and and a fantasy escape from the regular season.
Alberta is reeling over an infestation of rats from Saskatchewan. What has puzzled officials is the timing of the outbreak. There is no Roughrider game which is when the vermin usually appear.
The NFL season is about to start and to acknowledge the event my GF is wearing her patience at half mast.
I have Krystal Gray in my fantasy pool and I didn’t even know she plays for the LFL.
The smallest crowd in Blue Jays history watched the team lose to Minnesota. A team spokesman said the crowd was very supportive and at times it only felt like the 2nd smallest. The lack of support is being heralded by City officials as another sign Toronto is world class and knows when they are being fleeced. They are turning their attention to more important matters like getting a ticket to see TO play.
Rafael Nadal was accosted by a man at the US Open who tried to give him a kiss. Prosecutors in NY say they will charge the man with the same crime as Plaxico Burris as they believe his gun in his pocket went off in a very public place.
Terrel Owens broke the news of Brady Quinn becoming the starting QB for Cleveland in a Tweet thus making him the Twit of the week.
After a summer free of elbowing, high sticking and sucker punches Canadians are getting excited for a return of their favourite sport, another Federal Election.
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke is considering an offer sheet for Bruins forward Phil Kessel. This is totally different from when Burke lost a player to an offer sheet because at that time it happened to him.
Top 5 signs your CFL team needs a new offensive coordinator
# 5 He still draws up plays with a stick
# 4 The last time the offense had a TD it was scored as an official’s error
# 3 Team punter has a repetitive strain injury
# 2 The QB keeps hearing laughter in his headset
# 1 They score less points than a Premier League Football Club
A shocking report from Health officials warns Canadian kids will have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. They go on to say if they cheer for the Leafs at least it will seem like an eternity.
The release of Beatles Rock Band has inspired other ‘60’s live action games including Leafs Cup where you get to pretend to be a part of a team that has won a championship. The game is currently unrated as it is a learning tool, a historical document and and a fantasy escape from the regular season.
Alberta is reeling over an infestation of rats from Saskatchewan. What has puzzled officials is the timing of the outbreak. There is no Roughrider game which is when the vermin usually appear.
The NFL season is about to start and to acknowledge the event my GF is wearing her patience at half mast.
I have Krystal Gray in my fantasy pool and I didn’t even know she plays for the LFL.
Bet on a strike
Simon Fraser University has been sanctioned by the Canada West University board after they applied to become part of the NCAA II US athletics division. A spokesman for the school was disappointed but the sanction should help give them street cred with the NCAA.
Federal prosecutors are making an argument in court to be allowed to use evidence that shows Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids. The disputed evidence includes urine samples, delivery receipts and a confidential hat size from his haberdasher.
NBA referees say there appears to be no way around a work stoppage with one group giving odds of 3:1 against a settlement.
Vancouver Olympic officials are upset with the amount of counterfeit Olympic material showing up. So far they have found imitation mascots, trinkets and a couple of Ice Dancing judges.
Supporters in Regina were outraged when vandals painted the score on a Buffalo Bills player’s lawn saying the whole incident was a load of manure.
Renault will not contest charges they had driver Nelson Piquet Jr. intentionally crash a car. Team officials say it is the same in other sports where teams regularly throw coaches under a bus, flame out of a playoff position or gas a point after.
Bob Barker was in Edmonton to bring attention to an alleged elephant cruelty case. He later swung by Toronto and asked the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) to stop torturing the rest of Canada by showing every Maple Leaf game and practice on TSN2.
Which shot was more important to Theo Fleury, the one that won the game in a shootout or the one that convinced him to stop drinking 4 years ago?
Come on who among us didn’t want the Elephant in Edmonton to smack Bob Barker with her trunk and trumpet “This place is right bitch”?
Top 5 signs you may have an anger management problem.
# 5 You argue with the umpire over how he cleaned home plate
# 4 The team comes out with a limited edition wife beater jersey and it has your name on the back
# 3 Your mailing address is a Rehab Facility
# 2 John McEnroe has your poster tacked up in his room
# 1 You vandalize your favourite players house and he scored 3 TD’s in a win
A study from health officials around the world says that men under 30 have a shorter life expectancy because of poor eating and exercise habits... Officials suggest cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs as it will make the hockey season seem like an eternity...
Federal prosecutors are making an argument in court to be allowed to use evidence that shows Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids. The disputed evidence includes urine samples, delivery receipts and a confidential hat size from his haberdasher.
NBA referees say there appears to be no way around a work stoppage with one group giving odds of 3:1 against a settlement.
Vancouver Olympic officials are upset with the amount of counterfeit Olympic material showing up. So far they have found imitation mascots, trinkets and a couple of Ice Dancing judges.
Supporters in Regina were outraged when vandals painted the score on a Buffalo Bills player’s lawn saying the whole incident was a load of manure.
Renault will not contest charges they had driver Nelson Piquet Jr. intentionally crash a car. Team officials say it is the same in other sports where teams regularly throw coaches under a bus, flame out of a playoff position or gas a point after.
Bob Barker was in Edmonton to bring attention to an alleged elephant cruelty case. He later swung by Toronto and asked the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) to stop torturing the rest of Canada by showing every Maple Leaf game and practice on TSN2.
Which shot was more important to Theo Fleury, the one that won the game in a shootout or the one that convinced him to stop drinking 4 years ago?
Come on who among us didn’t want the Elephant in Edmonton to smack Bob Barker with her trunk and trumpet “This place is right bitch”?
Top 5 signs you may have an anger management problem.
# 5 You argue with the umpire over how he cleaned home plate
# 4 The team comes out with a limited edition wife beater jersey and it has your name on the back
# 3 Your mailing address is a Rehab Facility
# 2 John McEnroe has your poster tacked up in his room
# 1 You vandalize your favourite players house and he scored 3 TD’s in a win
A study from health officials around the world says that men under 30 have a shorter life expectancy because of poor eating and exercise habits... Officials suggest cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs as it will make the hockey season seem like an eternity...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Mr. Sandman buy me a team
Officials are still having trouble determining if South African runner Caster Semenya is male or female. Tests so far are inconclusive and as a last resort are waiting to see if Travis Henry will accept a conjujical visit.
The NHL has tendered an offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes. The offer is far less than the one given by Jim Balsillie as Commissioner Gary Bettman says he’s a little short at the moment.
The NHL says it is not in a conflict of interest and as a show of good faith to the other teams plans to ice the same shoddy product as in the past.
The IOC says they will help Vancouver with any shortfalls in their Olympic budget. They plan to raise the money by asking delegates to donate 10% of the bribes and graft they have been given in the past.
Louisville coach Rick Pitino says the sex scandal has been hell for his family and worst of all has totally ruined all you can eat Wednesdays for them.
Calgary Flames coach Brent Sutter gave a motivational talk to rodeo athletes before they left for the world championships in Brazil. Brent stressed teamwork, focus and most of all brand loyalty.
Police are questioning Oakland Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable after an altercation between him and assistant coach Randy Hanson ended with Hanson being hospitalized with a broken face. Cable denies any wrong doing and then beat up the reporter who asked the question.
A source in Minnesota says Vikings players are divided on the signing of Brett Favre with some saying they think he will help the team and others who are still trying to get an autograph.
San Francisco rookie Michael Crabtree wants $ 23 million in guaranteed money. He says it is his duty to hold out in order to help stimulate the stripper economy his version of cash for knockers.
Top 5 stipulations in the NHL bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes
# 5 Judge must drink the Kool-Aid before reading the bid
# 4 Creditors accept autograph pictures of Shane Doan in lieu of cash
# 3 Arena to be re-named Jobbed.com
# 2 No Blackberries to be allowed in Phoenix
# 1 Potential owners must be no taller than 5’4”
The NHL has tendered an offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes. The offer is far less than the one given by Jim Balsillie as Commissioner Gary Bettman says he’s a little short at the moment.
The NHL says it is not in a conflict of interest and as a show of good faith to the other teams plans to ice the same shoddy product as in the past.
The IOC says they will help Vancouver with any shortfalls in their Olympic budget. They plan to raise the money by asking delegates to donate 10% of the bribes and graft they have been given in the past.
Louisville coach Rick Pitino says the sex scandal has been hell for his family and worst of all has totally ruined all you can eat Wednesdays for them.
Calgary Flames coach Brent Sutter gave a motivational talk to rodeo athletes before they left for the world championships in Brazil. Brent stressed teamwork, focus and most of all brand loyalty.
Police are questioning Oakland Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable after an altercation between him and assistant coach Randy Hanson ended with Hanson being hospitalized with a broken face. Cable denies any wrong doing and then beat up the reporter who asked the question.
A source in Minnesota says Vikings players are divided on the signing of Brett Favre with some saying they think he will help the team and others who are still trying to get an autograph.
San Francisco rookie Michael Crabtree wants $ 23 million in guaranteed money. He says it is his duty to hold out in order to help stimulate the stripper economy his version of cash for knockers.
Top 5 stipulations in the NHL bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes
# 5 Judge must drink the Kool-Aid before reading the bid
# 4 Creditors accept autograph pictures of Shane Doan in lieu of cash
# 3 Arena to be re-named Jobbed.com
# 2 No Blackberries to be allowed in Phoenix
# 1 Potential owners must be no taller than 5’4”
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Grass is greener...
Blue Bombers QB Stephan Lefors has been asked to take a pay cut of $60,000 because he is no longer the starting QB. No word on if Coach Mike Kelly is losing any money for coaching like an assistant.
Bernie Madeoff is applying to the NHL for a prison franchise after getting glowing recommendations from the Gary Bettman and the Board of Directors. The deal is contingent with NY State officials moving the prison to Phoenix.
I have Mats Sundin in my NHL pool but it is in the shallow end.
The NCAA has wiped out the record of Memphis after their coach was hit with recruiting violations. The process is similar to Leafs fans forgetting the last 5 years ever happened, but with more drugs and hookers.
Tampa Bay Lightening owners are facing economic problems due to bad investments and a tanking real estate market. Things have gotten so bad one of them will leave and try to buy the Phoenix franchise.
Can you use pop bottles as collateral for an NHL franchise?
Dany Heatley says he won’t sign with Edmonton because he wants options and he has already been in one car wreck so why kill his career over it?
Is it possible to trade Heatley to Winnipeg and have the Bombers cut his salary?
Dwayne De Rosario says he will leave Toronto FC unless they get better grass coincidentally the same reason Rickey Williams gave for leaving the Miami Dolphins.
The Jamaican men’s relay team failed to set another world record prompting call for drug testing to determine why.
Bernie Madeoff is applying to the NHL for a prison franchise after getting glowing recommendations from the Gary Bettman and the Board of Directors. The deal is contingent with NY State officials moving the prison to Phoenix.
I have Mats Sundin in my NHL pool but it is in the shallow end.
The NCAA has wiped out the record of Memphis after their coach was hit with recruiting violations. The process is similar to Leafs fans forgetting the last 5 years ever happened, but with more drugs and hookers.
Tampa Bay Lightening owners are facing economic problems due to bad investments and a tanking real estate market. Things have gotten so bad one of them will leave and try to buy the Phoenix franchise.
Can you use pop bottles as collateral for an NHL franchise?
Dany Heatley says he won’t sign with Edmonton because he wants options and he has already been in one car wreck so why kill his career over it?
Is it possible to trade Heatley to Winnipeg and have the Bombers cut his salary?
Dwayne De Rosario says he will leave Toronto FC unless they get better grass coincidentally the same reason Rickey Williams gave for leaving the Miami Dolphins.
The Jamaican men’s relay team failed to set another world record prompting call for drug testing to determine why.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hooker Care...
Top 5 signs your star athlete has reformed
# 5 When carrying unregistered guns into a Club will always wear a belt
# 4 Promises to dedicate his season in memory of the people he ran over
# 3 Is determined to only have unprotected sex with women who really love him and accept his condition
# 2 Will try to make it rain for drought stricken farmers
# 1 Has given up all milkshakes for Lent
Republicans were asked where they found so many people willing to boo, heckle and insult officials at Town Hall meetings on Health Care now that the Knicks were in the off season.
When Pres. Obama heard Louisiana coach Rick Pitino paid for his hookers’ health care he said 1 down 49,999,999 left to insure
Hockey parents were livid after paying for their sons to attend a camp to help boost their sons’ careers and the only scouts there were from the Leafs, Lighting and Coyotes
The IOC says they want to capture the youth so they are considering adding sports such as golf, lawn bowling and whist for the 2016 Games
Louisiana Coach Rick Pitino had to pay $3000 for his mistresses’ health care once he found out that her being a blackmailing hooker was a pre existing condition
With Theo Fleury asking for reinstatement finally Gary Bettman has someone he can see eye to eye with
The Cleveland Browns are suing the Obama Administration for infringing on their copy write Cash for Clunkers
After a poor pre season outing maybe lining up in the shotgun brought back too many painful memories for Vince Young
If the TB Lightning can't sort out their ownership the NHL will go with one of their approved candidates Bernie Madeoff or Peter Puck
Minnesota Wild owner Craig Leopold was late in writing a letter making the case that Jim Balsillie would be a bad NHL owner as he was busy writing a character reference to help Boots Del Biaggio qualify for conjugical visits
Patrick Kane says he thought the Taxi Driver wanted 20% of his salary like the NHL clawback not 20 cents...
Exciting news... Theo Flurey is coming out of retirement to play in the NHL & Rosie O''Donnell is dieting to become part of the Lingerie Football League
Wii is planning a curling version of its game it hopes will capture the nostalgic fans who still want to play while smoking & drinking
The Cash 4 Clunkers program: combining the honesty of used car salesmen with the efficiency of the federal Gov"t
# 5 When carrying unregistered guns into a Club will always wear a belt
# 4 Promises to dedicate his season in memory of the people he ran over
# 3 Is determined to only have unprotected sex with women who really love him and accept his condition
# 2 Will try to make it rain for drought stricken farmers
# 1 Has given up all milkshakes for Lent
Republicans were asked where they found so many people willing to boo, heckle and insult officials at Town Hall meetings on Health Care now that the Knicks were in the off season.
When Pres. Obama heard Louisiana coach Rick Pitino paid for his hookers’ health care he said 1 down 49,999,999 left to insure
Hockey parents were livid after paying for their sons to attend a camp to help boost their sons’ careers and the only scouts there were from the Leafs, Lighting and Coyotes
The IOC says they want to capture the youth so they are considering adding sports such as golf, lawn bowling and whist for the 2016 Games
Louisiana Coach Rick Pitino had to pay $3000 for his mistresses’ health care once he found out that her being a blackmailing hooker was a pre existing condition
With Theo Fleury asking for reinstatement finally Gary Bettman has someone he can see eye to eye with
The Cleveland Browns are suing the Obama Administration for infringing on their copy write Cash for Clunkers
After a poor pre season outing maybe lining up in the shotgun brought back too many painful memories for Vince Young
If the TB Lightning can't sort out their ownership the NHL will go with one of their approved candidates Bernie Madeoff or Peter Puck
Minnesota Wild owner Craig Leopold was late in writing a letter making the case that Jim Balsillie would be a bad NHL owner as he was busy writing a character reference to help Boots Del Biaggio qualify for conjugical visits
Patrick Kane says he thought the Taxi Driver wanted 20% of his salary like the NHL clawback not 20 cents...
Exciting news... Theo Flurey is coming out of retirement to play in the NHL & Rosie O''Donnell is dieting to become part of the Lingerie Football League
Wii is planning a curling version of its game it hopes will capture the nostalgic fans who still want to play while smoking & drinking
The Cash 4 Clunkers program: combining the honesty of used car salesmen with the efficiency of the federal Gov"t
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Big Pappy all Shook Up
The new movie The Time Travellers wife is about a man who meets a girl, disappears, re-appears and marries her, disappears again, reappears to impregnate her, disappears again, and re-appears when the child is 10. Producers thought the public would not accept it as much with its original title The NBA Stars Wife.
Finally Big Pappy has uncovered why he tested positive in 2003. It turns out he was in Jamaica and it was a vendor named Sally who sold supposedly steroid stained shakes by the sea shore.
Pity the children who have decipher athletes who are positive they never tested positive, come clean saying they thought they were clean because they wasn't clear about clear.
Big Pappy says he tested positive because while in Jamaica he encountered a vendor named Sally and she sold steroid shakes by the sea shore
Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? A 18 Carrot Topper-Upper
Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? Goldenrod!
Seeing pictures of Vladimir Putin I'm waiting until he appears on the list of steroid users
There has been so much rain in Toronto this year the Mayor is considering sending in the Navy
President Obama celebrated his 48th birthday by shooting his age in a game of bowling
Canada Post is having such a tough time during the recession instead an adhesive they are asking players from the Riders to lick the Stamps
F-1 racing is an International event with drivers from Belgium, Brazil & Spain gathering in Montreal to spend money while they compete for a huge cash prise in US dollars all of which is subsidised by the Canadian Government and paid for by the taxpayers of Alberta. As the French say...Tres Bien!
The Lithuanian wife carrying contest was marred by tragedy when it was used as a segment piece for the Reality Show “More to Love"
The economy is benefitting from 2 new stimulus injections the Cash for Clunkers rebate and the NFL training camps and their Bucks for F%$ks curfew beater.
The 86 swim records broken at the World Championships in Rome beat the previous record for records broken at one meet set by 85 people who met Paris Hiltons & bought her record listened to it and broke it.
Blue Jays Aaron Hill is surprised by his sudden increase in home runs but says things got better when Big Pappy took him out for a shake
Kevin Costner was trapped on stage during a wind storm in Alberta but thankfully was saved by his Bodyguard.
Top 5 things retiring players REALLY want to say
# 5 I”d spend more time with my kids if I knew where they were
# 4 I only played the last 4 years for the money
# 3 I signed with the Leafs because I love golf
# 2 I’ll miss the groupies
# 1 The Riders weren’t my only Pride
Finally Big Pappy has uncovered why he tested positive in 2003. It turns out he was in Jamaica and it was a vendor named Sally who sold supposedly steroid stained shakes by the sea shore.
Pity the children who have decipher athletes who are positive they never tested positive, come clean saying they thought they were clean because they wasn't clear about clear.
Big Pappy says he tested positive because while in Jamaica he encountered a vendor named Sally and she sold steroid shakes by the sea shore
Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? A 18 Carrot Topper-Upper
Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? Goldenrod!
Seeing pictures of Vladimir Putin I'm waiting until he appears on the list of steroid users
There has been so much rain in Toronto this year the Mayor is considering sending in the Navy
President Obama celebrated his 48th birthday by shooting his age in a game of bowling
Canada Post is having such a tough time during the recession instead an adhesive they are asking players from the Riders to lick the Stamps
F-1 racing is an International event with drivers from Belgium, Brazil & Spain gathering in Montreal to spend money while they compete for a huge cash prise in US dollars all of which is subsidised by the Canadian Government and paid for by the taxpayers of Alberta. As the French say...Tres Bien!
The Lithuanian wife carrying contest was marred by tragedy when it was used as a segment piece for the Reality Show “More to Love"
The economy is benefitting from 2 new stimulus injections the Cash for Clunkers rebate and the NFL training camps and their Bucks for F%$ks curfew beater.
The 86 swim records broken at the World Championships in Rome beat the previous record for records broken at one meet set by 85 people who met Paris Hiltons & bought her record listened to it and broke it.
Blue Jays Aaron Hill is surprised by his sudden increase in home runs but says things got better when Big Pappy took him out for a shake
Kevin Costner was trapped on stage during a wind storm in Alberta but thankfully was saved by his Bodyguard.
Top 5 things retiring players REALLY want to say
# 5 I”d spend more time with my kids if I knew where they were
# 4 I only played the last 4 years for the money
# 3 I signed with the Leafs because I love golf
# 2 I’ll miss the groupies
# 1 The Riders weren’t my only Pride
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
