My thanks to Cam Hutchinson for supporting this creation. Cheers DJW

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Best Before Date

The Vancouver Canucks are saying Coach Marc Crawford has already paid for his involvement on the attack on Steve Moore. He’s coaching LA isn’t that punishment enough?

The performance drug question seems to be having an effect on signings for MLB players. Instead of multiyear contracts owners seem to be sticking to the drug manufacturers recommended 1 year shelf life.

Chris Simon received 30 games for trying to saw off a player’s leg but in the spirit of the season will still be invited to carve the NY Islanders Christmas turkey.

After winning 6 games in a row on a brutal road trip the Calgary Flames are trying to re-create the feeling by having their loved ones serve them room service.

Terrell Owens says Jessica Simpson is a distraction to Tony Romo and for his outburst there goes Owens chances of being named Employee of the Month. Jessica’s latest movie is so bad it is going direct to video except in Texas where the screening has been a boon to tomato sellers.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Miles Fly By

Alex Medvedev is considering starting a new professional hockey league to compete with the NHL. Sources say the league will be made up of European players who want to stay home, NHL players who want a smaller schedule and former Toronto Maple Leaf first round picks.

Top 3 Reasons to sign with the new Russian Hockey League
# 3 No Chris Simon or Sean Avery
# 2 Sounds cool to make over 20 million Rubles a year
# 1 Even marginal players can be a Czar

Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams was suspended for an illegal horse collar tackle which would have probably been overlooked if he hadn’t bit the players’ ear as well.

Roger Clemmons says he should be given the benefit of the doubt which is OK because no one can doubt he was the one to benefit most from using steroids. Clemmons says the only growth hormones he used came from good old chemically enhanced Texas beef.

Five Atlanta Falcons were fined for wearing T Shirts saying “Please Michael...take me with you!”

Listening to all the player explanations of how they only took steroids for medical reasons reminds me of the Steve Martin routine on using pot...”I only used it in the late mid early evenings... but never at dusk”

If steroids are so helpful at getting people better how come Doctors never tell you to take two shots in the ass and call me in the morning?

I’m not sure if NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas learned anything from his sexual harassment trial as he has a pair of nylons hanging up for Santa to fill. Have to love how NY fans have got into the spirit of the season because it’s not easy to sing “Fire Isiah” to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Part owner Michael Jordon of the Charlotte Bobcats stepped onto the court to show the players a couple of things. He mostly concentrated on driving the lane, setting a pick and bluffing with Queen-Nine off suit.

Watching Chris Simon have another rage induced meltdown makes me glad the NHL tests so strenuously for steroid use. On the scale of what to look for in steroid use Simon makes the diagnosis simple.

Todd Bertuzzi says he broke the neck of Steve Moore because if he didn’t he would have had a pretty long week. I agree because I once didn’t break someone’s neck and the week was just hell.

Bertuzzi at first declined to repeat the words he used during the attack because being such a classy guy he was worried about the sensitive ears of the women in the room. Wow a misogynist and coward who would have guessed the two could exist in the same person?

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton had his driver’s license suspended for a month after being caught speeding. In his defence Hamilton said he thought one of the other drivers was trying to pass him but it turned out to be an airplane.

Florida State is suspending 25 players from an upcoming Bowl game after they were caught cheating. Officials say they are upset the players didn’t just trust the teachers to adjust their marks like usual. The players said they only cheated to have a better chance of making the New England Patriots.

The Montreal Alouettes have hired a coach with no CFL experience which is being condemned by the other coaches who say they can only keep the lines pure by in-breeding.

Former Seattle Mariner Julio Mateo pleaded guilty to assaulting his wife but asked for forgiveness saying at no point did he take drugs to help his performance.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sicko for a Decade

After breaking his wrist in 3 places Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Bryan McCabe became the first member of the team to record a hat trick.

A new survey says Canadians drink more than ever which is easily explained by the increase in the number of sports writers.

After getting into a fight and taking it out on the penalty box Philadelphia Phantoms Steve Downie is being told to take steroids to reduce his rage.

Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan won his 600th game this week and to celebrate the team had a party in which he pulled the caterers half way through it.

NY Islanders forward Chris Simon is in trouble after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu. In his defence Simon says his coach asked him to step up his game.

Philadelphia Flyers forward Mike Richards signed a 12 year contract or as Rick Dipietro called it a good start.

NY Yankee Andy Pettitte admitted taking growth hormones but only because he was injured. This line of reasoning was quickly picked up by Roger Clemmons who said he had a cold from 1996 until yesterday.

With 8 teams failing to score over 10 points this weekend it appears the NFL has embraced the neutral turf trap. You know it’s been a bad week for scoring when Jerome Iginla had more points than Tom Brady.

You know Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was having a bad game when his girlfriend Jessica Simpson questioned his play calls.

Former Chicago Bears lineman Todd Burger was arrested for his role in an internet gambling site. Sources say the former guard was in charge of protecting the site and getting the quarters back.

Chris Simon is taking time off for personal reasons after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu and apologized to his teammates for his decision to cut and run.

Alex Rodriguez says he “turned white as a ghost” when he heard his agent say he was turning down the NY Yankees offer. Later he re-signed a contract that turned him back to his normal shade of green.

After being shut out in Cleveland the Buffalo Bills had to take a bus home as their plane like the offence was grounded.

Last year Dallas quarterback Tony Romo had singer Carrie Underwood in a luxury box, this year it is actress Jessica Simpson and next year plans are underway to have Paris Hilton fill the slot. There is word Jessica will release a new song that will put the sexy a quarter back.

Chinese Ping Pong player Ma Lin doesn’t understand why the sport is not bigger in North America. The answer is simple most sports in North America are already a racket played with small balls.

Brian Sean Griffith, a former bodyguard to figure skater Tonya Harding who admitted a role in the attack on her rival Nancy Kerrigan during Olympics tryouts, has died. Friends say Griffith was never the same after the event and up until the end couldn’t get a break.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hats off to Barry

The Calgary Flames are blaming part of their troubles on bad ice which is like the Miami Dolphins blaming their troubles on poorly painted end zone stripes. In fairness I have to agree the ice is bad. There are more bad bounces at a Flames game than a Roscoe Tanner cheque.

The Anaheim Ducks have to move about $1 million worth of salary to make it possible for Scott Niedermayer to return to the team or about 25% of what Todd Bertuzzi is scheduled to make for his history with Brian Burke. Word is the Ducks will try to unload a player, demote someone to the minors or blame it all on Kevin Lowe.

The NHL players are trying to offset their carbon footprint by having players pay $29 a ton for credits. This measure is popular with most players except Keith Tkahuck who wants to know if it is based on his weight.

The Vancouver Canucks are denying reports that then coach Marc Crawford ordered someone on the team to “get” Steve Moore. They feel the whole thing is just a dyslexic mix up when they were asking the team to “get more out of Steve”.

Barry Bonds showed up for court with 6 lawyers saying they each had a different hat to wear.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren Woods was awarded $182,000 for the fake nude pictures of her that appeared in an Irish magazine. Told of the award Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Thisty said he plans to sue as well claiming the nude pictures of him did not live up to the real thing.

Former MLB player David Segui admitted to taking both growth hormones and steroids although in his defence he said he played most of his Little League years “clean”.

Speculation is Michael Vick received a harsh sentence because the judge in his case was a dog owner which is like saying Conrad Black was treated badly because his judge read the newspaper and Robert Pickton fell into the hands of a pig loving judge.

Vinnie Testaverte said Michael Vick doesn’t have to worry after he gets out of prison because he will still have his best 15 years ahead of him. I feel sorry for the loved ones Vick will leave behind the season ticket holders of the Atlanta Falcons who thought they had a contender.

Minor league baseball player Raul Padron was suspended for 50 games for violating the ban on performance enhancing drugs. The ban would have been longer but with a 228 batting average and 13 home runs it was felt he wasn’t taking the recommended dosage.

Nathalie Lambert was named Canada’s Chef de Mission for the 2010 Olympic Games narrowly beating out Chef Ramsay and the Iron Chef.

The New England Patriots are 27 point favourites over the NY Jets which is the biggest pre-game spread since William “The Refrigerator” Perry went to an all you can eat buffet.

The Green Bay Packers are upset about the low hit on their quarterback Brett Favre and have asked the NFL to review the film saying it was clearly below the walker.

There seems to be a lot of 1 year deals being made with MLB players as the owners are reluctant to tie up money for a long period of time and players have to console themselves by making a lifetime’s wages before insanity resumes to the process.

With Tim Tebow winning the Heisman Trophy football coaches are now looking for quarterbacks who can run, throw and chew gum at the same time. The ideal quarterback according to scouts now is a Michael Vick type without the rabid temper.

Madison Gardens and NY Knicks Coach Isaiah Thomas agreed to pay $11.5 million in an out of court sexual harassment settlement. The amount was determined by using a percentage of the amount NBA players spend at strip clubs each year in NY. Thomas says the settlement clearly shows he is innocent and then left to do some jewellery shopping for his wife.

NBA forward Ron Artest was so happy to win his civil trial resulting from a brawl in the stands of a game he fired a 21 gun salute at a favourite Nightclub.

The International Olympic Committee will wait to award some of the medals from previous Games until they have talked with BALCO CEO Victor Conte about possible steroid use by winners. The Games in question are the ones in 2004, 2000, 1998 1994 and most of the ‘80’s and ‘70’s.

The IOC has refused a request by Tibet to have a team compete in the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. A statement released by the IOC says Tibet will have to be content to be at one with themselves.

Top 3 ways athletes can deal with the polluted air in Beijing
# 3 Remember to chew air thoroughly before swallowing
# 2 Start training now during downtown rush hour traffic
# 1 After Games are over request new lungs from Chinese prison organ “donor”

Thursday, December 6, 2007

OOOOOOOOH Henry!

There is just something about the new coach of the Calgary Stampeders that reminds me of the Godfather. Maybe it was his pitch to the players of an offer they can’t refuse.

A new report from Statistics Canada says 1 in 5 Canadians were born elsewhere and 50% of those were fathered by Travis Henry.

It turns out Travis Henry did not have marijuana in his system but according to 8 of the 11 mothers of his children he must have some performance enhancing help.

Edmonton is swooning over Sidney Crosby coming to town as they say they are in the best position to judge how Sid compares with the great one Wayne Gretzky. Fans say they will wait until he plays to pass judgement and more important how he handles himself when he leaves.

Minnesota Vikings defensive end Ray Edwards was suspended for 4 games for violating the league’s steroid policy. In his defence Edwards said he got the pills from Doc while taking the Love Boat cruise.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Zack Thomas will miss the next game with migraines. The condition appears to be contagious as most of the Dolphin fans complain of headaches after watching them.

The Government of Scotland is stepping in to try and revive a golf development proposed by Donald Trump. Legislators hope to avoid the Donald pulling the rug from under the deal.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Merry Dickmas

The Washington Redskins started with 10 men on defence instead of 11 in tribute to recently slain teammate Sean Taylor. After running a play right at the empty spot Denver Broncos coach Dick Jauron lived up to his name...Dick.

Baseball Veterans Committee elected 4 new members including 3 owners and a former commissioner. Asked why former union leader Marvin Miller was again excluded the Veterans said he didn’t meet the criteria of reducing costs, making obscene amounts of money for the owners or being in the pockets of an owner.

Scott Suggs became the first angler to cash a $1,000,000 cheque when he landed 7 bass for a total of 17 lbs. in a recent tournament. Second prize went to a fisherman from Newfoundland who landed 780 lbs. of cod and took home $39.99.

The New Jersey Devils are on a 7 game winning streak which coincided with Coach Brent Sutter using some of his junior tactics namely bed checks, curfews and weapons checks.

The Calgary Hitmen set a new record when over 26,000 teddy bears were thrown at a recent game. This eclipsed the record of 29,000 towels thrown in by Calgary Flames fans on Saturday. There hasn’t been so much fur flying in Calgary since the Stampeders lost to the Roughriders.

The Toronto Blue Jays showed off new powder blue uniforms to keep in synch with their powder puff line-up.

Canada begins its journey for another Jr. Hockey Gold medal and to help the players deal with the pressure they Hockey Canada has signed a promotional deal with Tums.

The Calgary Stampeders signed John Huffnagel to coach the team and in his first speech said he wants to eliminate bad football. John says he hopes to make Calgary a tougher place to play by taking less penalties, creating more turnovers and finding a place for the new Cowboys Nightclub to open.

A new game making the rounds is the Philadelphia Flyers bingo. Once all the Flyers have been suspended opponents get a blackout.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

A Century of Obscurity

This is my 100th post and to both my fans I say thanks!


Former hockey great Theo Fleury is looking to create a reality TV show from his new concrete business. This will be the 1st reality show dealing with concrete since The Sopranos.

The NHL is looking to revamp the schedule for the 2008 season with each team playing each other once and the Calgary Flames fighting against each other nightly.

NHL Commissioner Gary Berrman has said he is not in favour of competing in the 2014 Winter Olympics. This has outraged members of the Oilers, Flames and Leafs who demand to be able to under perform on a bigger stage.

Stunt man Evel Kenevel died at age 69 and after the many near fatal injuries he sustained during his career the biggest leap he made was to collect his social security cheque. Evel leaves behind grieving friends, family and an inconsolable insurance agent.

The Australian Open Tennis Tournament has decided to suspend play once the heat becomes too great. This will not extend to opponents of Alicia Molik who will have to play her despite the fact she is smoking hot no matter what the temperature.

The Minnesota Wild have announced the retirement of Wes Waltz bringing to an end the saga of Where Waltz Go.

New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur has set a new record for shutouts erasing the previous one set by Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. on Draft Day.

The 4 teenagers charged in the death of Sean Taylor all had previous criminal records but surprisingly not one was a member of the Miami Hurricanes.

The Calgary Flames are having such a bad year the Alberta and Canadian Governments are asking them to lower the flags on their jerseys to half mast.

Two of the defendants in the dog fighting trial of Michael Vick were sentenced to 18 and 21 months in prison or in dog years enough time to find a bitch.

After being booed by the NY Knicks home crowd coach Isaiah Thomas is now claiming he is a victim of harassment.

Isn’t it ironic Hulk Hogan now will be having the shirt ripped off his back in a divorce settlement?

The NHL is considering an 84 game schedule which will mean for the first time the playoffs will end just in time for training camp. With the drop in TV viewers for NHL games more games is like getting your kid to sit at the table until his turnips are finished.