To Pee or Not to Pee

In an effort to keep children from harm Schools in Canada have banned the book The Golden Compass and the 2007 Miami Dolphin s playbook.

Singer Paula Abdul had her urine stolen recently and in a related story Roger Clemens has turned in a clean urine sample although it is showing he is pre-menopausal.

NHLPA Paul Kelly says he feels the union should be consulted on suspensions. That way they can have the time to properly script the outrage in advance of the suspension. Paul says the union might be in favour of heavier sentences especially against players not toting the unions’ party line.

Marion Gaberick scored five goals in a game this week and Minnesota Wild players thought it was the start of a new offensive philosophy, but it was a trap.

Recent post from the diary of disgraced track star Marion Jones, “Started training, what a pain in the ass”.

Roger Clemens says he will tell all in a 60 minutes interview in the New Year. Roger will deny using steroids and then break a bat over the head of the cameraman for shooting him too tight. With all the evidence how can you not think Roger was in the clear?

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Rom is denying reports Jessica Simpson is affecting his game. Tony says Jessica has her hands full ruining her own career. As a punishment for his poor performance against Philadelphia, Romo was forced to watch video of both the game and Jessica’s new movie Blond Ambition.

Due to the recent reports of athletes abusing performance enhancing drugs YouTube is creating a new category called denials.

Dallas Cowboy receiver Patrick Crayton was happy the team finished ahead of Green Bay because “We do not want to play in Saskatchewan”. This is the first time Saskatchewan has been uttered by an American athlete not trying to answer a question on Jeopardy

Kobe Bryant was the fastest NBA player to reach 20,000 points and the first one to do it without acknowledging any teammate had a hand in the feat. Kobe was so happy he bought his wife some jewelery for no particular reason.

Best Before Date

The Vancouver Canucks are saying Coach Marc Crawford has already paid for his involvement on the attack on Steve Moore. He’s coaching LA isn’t that punishment enough?

The performance drug question seems to be having an effect on signings for MLB players. Instead of multiyear contracts owners seem to be sticking to the drug manufacturers recommended 1 year shelf life.

Chris Simon received 30 games for trying to saw off a player’s leg but in the spirit of the season will still be invited to carve the NY Islanders Christmas turkey.

After winning 6 games in a row on a brutal road trip the Calgary Flames are trying to re-create the feeling by having their loved ones serve them room service.

Terrell Owens says Jessica Simpson is a distraction to Tony Romo and for his outburst there goes Owens chances of being named Employee of the Month. Jessica’s latest movie is so bad it is going direct to video except in Texas where the screening has been a boon to tomato sellers.

Miles Fly By

Alex Medvedev is considering starting a new professional hockey league to compete with the NHL. Sources say the league will be made up of European players who want to stay home, NHL players who want a smaller schedule and former Toronto Maple Leaf first round picks.

Top 3 Reasons to sign with the new Russian Hockey League
# 3 No Chris Simon or Sean Avery
# 2 Sounds cool to make over 20 million Rubles a year
# 1 Even marginal players can be a Czar

Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams was suspended for an illegal horse collar tackle which would have probably been overlooked if he hadn’t bit the players’ ear as well.

Roger Clemmons says he should be given the benefit of the doubt which is OK because no one can doubt he was the one to benefit most from using steroids. Clemmons says the only growth hormones he used came from good old chemically enhanced Texas beef.

Five Atlanta Falcons were fined for wearing T Shirts saying “Please Michael...take me with you!”

Listening to all the player explanations of how they only took steroids for medical reasons reminds me of the Steve Martin routine on using pot...”I only used it in the late mid early evenings... but never at dusk”

If steroids are so helpful at getting people better how come Doctors never tell you to take two shots in the ass and call me in the morning?

I’m not sure if NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas learned anything from his sexual harassment trial as he has a pair of nylons hanging up for Santa to fill. Have to love how NY fans have got into the spirit of the season because it’s not easy to sing “Fire Isiah” to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Part owner Michael Jordon of the Charlotte Bobcats stepped onto the court to show the players a couple of things. He mostly concentrated on driving the lane, setting a pick and bluffing with Queen-Nine off suit.

Watching Chris Simon have another rage induced meltdown makes me glad the NHL tests so strenuously for steroid use. On the scale of what to look for in steroid use Simon makes the diagnosis simple.

Todd Bertuzzi says he broke the neck of Steve Moore because if he didn’t he would have had a pretty long week. I agree because I once didn’t break someone’s neck and the week was just hell.

Bertuzzi at first declined to repeat the words he used during the attack because being such a classy guy he was worried about the sensitive ears of the women in the room. Wow a misogynist and coward who would have guessed the two could exist in the same person?

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton had his driver’s license suspended for a month after being caught speeding. In his defence Hamilton said he thought one of the other drivers was trying to pass him but it turned out to be an airplane.

Florida State is suspending 25 players from an upcoming Bowl game after they were caught cheating. Officials say they are upset the players didn’t just trust the teachers to adjust their marks like usual. The players said they only cheated to have a better chance of making the New England Patriots.

The Montreal Alouettes have hired a coach with no CFL experience which is being condemned by the other coaches who say they can only keep the lines pure by in-breeding.

Former Seattle Mariner Julio Mateo pleaded guilty to assaulting his wife but asked for forgiveness saying at no point did he take drugs to help his performance.

Sicko for a Decade

After breaking his wrist in 3 places Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Bryan McCabe became the first member of the team to record a hat trick.

A new survey says Canadians drink more than ever which is easily explained by the increase in the number of sports writers.

After getting into a fight and taking it out on the penalty box Philadelphia Phantoms Steve Downie is being told to take steroids to reduce his rage.

Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan won his 600th game this week and to celebrate the team had a party in which he pulled the caterers half way through it.

NY Islanders forward Chris Simon is in trouble after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu. In his defence Simon says his coach asked him to step up his game.

Philadelphia Flyers forward Mike Richards signed a 12 year contract or as Rick Dipietro called it a good start.

NY Yankee Andy Pettitte admitted taking growth hormones but only because he was injured. This line of reasoning was quickly picked up by Roger Clemmons who said he had a cold from 1996 until yesterday.

With 8 teams failing to score over 10 points this weekend it appears the NFL has embraced the neutral turf trap. You know it’s been a bad week for scoring when Jerome Iginla had more points than Tom Brady.

You know Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was having a bad game when his girlfriend Jessica Simpson questioned his play calls.

Former Chicago Bears lineman Todd Burger was arrested for his role in an internet gambling site. Sources say the former guard was in charge of protecting the site and getting the quarters back.

Chris Simon is taking time off for personal reasons after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu and apologized to his teammates for his decision to cut and run.

Alex Rodriguez says he “turned white as a ghost” when he heard his agent say he was turning down the NY Yankees offer. Later he re-signed a contract that turned him back to his normal shade of green.

After being shut out in Cleveland the Buffalo Bills had to take a bus home as their plane like the offence was grounded.

Last year Dallas quarterback Tony Romo had singer Carrie Underwood in a luxury box, this year it is actress Jessica Simpson and next year plans are underway to have Paris Hilton fill the slot. There is word Jessica will release a new song that will put the sexy a quarter back.

Chinese Ping Pong player Ma Lin doesn’t understand why the sport is not bigger in North America. The answer is simple most sports in North America are already a racket played with small balls.

Brian Sean Griffith, a former bodyguard to figure skater Tonya Harding who admitted a role in the attack on her rival Nancy Kerrigan during Olympics tryouts, has died. Friends say Griffith was never the same after the event and up until the end couldn’t get a break.

Hats off to Barry

The Calgary Flames are blaming part of their troubles on bad ice which is like the Miami Dolphins blaming their troubles on poorly painted end zone stripes. In fairness I have to agree the ice is bad. There are more bad bounces at a Flames game than a Roscoe Tanner cheque.

The Anaheim Ducks have to move about $1 million worth of salary to make it possible for Scott Niedermayer to return to the team or about 25% of what Todd Bertuzzi is scheduled to make for his history with Brian Burke. Word is the Ducks will try to unload a player, demote someone to the minors or blame it all on Kevin Lowe.

The NHL players are trying to offset their carbon footprint by having players pay $29 a ton for credits. This measure is popular with most players except Keith Tkahuck who wants to know if it is based on his weight.

The Vancouver Canucks are denying reports that then coach Marc Crawford ordered someone on the team to “get” Steve Moore. They feel the whole thing is just a dyslexic mix up when they were asking the team to “get more out of Steve”.

Barry Bonds showed up for court with 6 lawyers saying they each had a different hat to wear.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren Woods was awarded $182,000 for the fake nude pictures of her that appeared in an Irish magazine. Told of the award Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Thisty said he plans to sue as well claiming the nude pictures of him did not live up to the real thing.

Former MLB player David Segui admitted to taking both growth hormones and steroids although in his defence he said he played most of his Little League years “clean”.

Speculation is Michael Vick received a harsh sentence because the judge in his case was a dog owner which is like saying Conrad Black was treated badly because his judge read the newspaper and Robert Pickton fell into the hands of a pig loving judge.

Vinnie Testaverte said Michael Vick doesn’t have to worry after he gets out of prison because he will still have his best 15 years ahead of him. I feel sorry for the loved ones Vick will leave behind the season ticket holders of the Atlanta Falcons who thought they had a contender.

Minor league baseball player Raul Padron was suspended for 50 games for violating the ban on performance enhancing drugs. The ban would have been longer but with a 228 batting average and 13 home runs it was felt he wasn’t taking the recommended dosage.

Nathalie Lambert was named Canada’s Chef de Mission for the 2010 Olympic Games narrowly beating out Chef Ramsay and the Iron Chef.

The New England Patriots are 27 point favourites over the NY Jets which is the biggest pre-game spread since William “The Refrigerator” Perry went to an all you can eat buffet.

The Green Bay Packers are upset about the low hit on their quarterback Brett Favre and have asked the NFL to review the film saying it was clearly below the walker.

There seems to be a lot of 1 year deals being made with MLB players as the owners are reluctant to tie up money for a long period of time and players have to console themselves by making a lifetime’s wages before insanity resumes to the process.

With Tim Tebow winning the Heisman Trophy football coaches are now looking for quarterbacks who can run, throw and chew gum at the same time. The ideal quarterback according to scouts now is a Michael Vick type without the rabid temper.

Madison Gardens and NY Knicks Coach Isaiah Thomas agreed to pay $11.5 million in an out of court sexual harassment settlement. The amount was determined by using a percentage of the amount NBA players spend at strip clubs each year in NY. Thomas says the settlement clearly shows he is innocent and then left to do some jewellery shopping for his wife.

NBA forward Ron Artest was so happy to win his civil trial resulting from a brawl in the stands of a game he fired a 21 gun salute at a favourite Nightclub.

The International Olympic Committee will wait to award some of the medals from previous Games until they have talked with BALCO CEO Victor Conte about possible steroid use by winners. The Games in question are the ones in 2004, 2000, 1998 1994 and most of the ‘80’s and ‘70’s.

The IOC has refused a request by Tibet to have a team compete in the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. A statement released by the IOC says Tibet will have to be content to be at one with themselves.

Top 3 ways athletes can deal with the polluted air in Beijing
# 3 Remember to chew air thoroughly before swallowing
# 2 Start training now during downtown rush hour traffic
# 1 After Games are over request new lungs from Chinese prison organ “donor”

OOOOOOOOH Henry!

There is just something about the new coach of the Calgary Stampeders that reminds me of the Godfather. Maybe it was his pitch to the players of an offer they can’t refuse.

A new report from Statistics Canada says 1 in 5 Canadians were born elsewhere and 50% of those were fathered by Travis Henry.

It turns out Travis Henry did not have marijuana in his system but according to 8 of the 11 mothers of his children he must have some performance enhancing help.

Edmonton is swooning over Sidney Crosby coming to town as they say they are in the best position to judge how Sid compares with the great one Wayne Gretzky. Fans say they will wait until he plays to pass judgement and more important how he handles himself when he leaves.

Minnesota Vikings defensive end Ray Edwards was suspended for 4 games for violating the league’s steroid policy. In his defence Edwards said he got the pills from Doc while taking the Love Boat cruise.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Zack Thomas will miss the next game with migraines. The condition appears to be contagious as most of the Dolphin fans complain of headaches after watching them.

The Government of Scotland is stepping in to try and revive a golf development proposed by Donald Trump. Legislators hope to avoid the Donald pulling the rug from under the deal.

Merry Dickmas

The Washington Redskins started with 10 men on defence instead of 11 in tribute to recently slain teammate Sean Taylor. After running a play right at the empty spot Denver Broncos coach Dick Jauron lived up to his name...Dick.

Baseball Veterans Committee elected 4 new members including 3 owners and a former commissioner. Asked why former union leader Marvin Miller was again excluded the Veterans said he didn’t meet the criteria of reducing costs, making obscene amounts of money for the owners or being in the pockets of an owner.

Scott Suggs became the first angler to cash a $1,000,000 cheque when he landed 7 bass for a total of 17 lbs. in a recent tournament. Second prize went to a fisherman from Newfoundland who landed 780 lbs. of cod and took home $39.99.

The New Jersey Devils are on a 7 game winning streak which coincided with Coach Brent Sutter using some of his junior tactics namely bed checks, curfews and weapons checks.

The Calgary Hitmen set a new record when over 26,000 teddy bears were thrown at a recent game. This eclipsed the record of 29,000 towels thrown in by Calgary Flames fans on Saturday. There hasn’t been so much fur flying in Calgary since the Stampeders lost to the Roughriders.

The Toronto Blue Jays showed off new powder blue uniforms to keep in synch with their powder puff line-up.

Canada begins its journey for another Jr. Hockey Gold medal and to help the players deal with the pressure they Hockey Canada has signed a promotional deal with Tums.

The Calgary Stampeders signed John Huffnagel to coach the team and in his first speech said he wants to eliminate bad football. John says he hopes to make Calgary a tougher place to play by taking less penalties, creating more turnovers and finding a place for the new Cowboys Nightclub to open.

A new game making the rounds is the Philadelphia Flyers bingo. Once all the Flyers have been suspended opponents get a blackout.