July 4 2007

After playing a Sunday game in Regina the Calgary Stampeders head directly to Hamilton for a game on Thursday. League officials have acknowledged this is a difficult trip and have declared that any American making a run for the border will not be counted against the teams salary cap.

Michael Nylander has backed out of a contract to play with the Edmonton Oilers saying he was at fault by mistakenly letting his wife look at a map.

Despite having bundles of cash to spend the team is finding it difficult to attract players. Sources say they will probably follow the example of the Edmonton Eskimos and lose. Kevin Lowe is beginning to look like a father trying to marry off his daughter by saying she has a nice personality and big dowry.

The Calgary Flames have resigned Jerome Iginla and Robyn Regehr to contract extensions averaging between 2000 – 3000 barrels a day.

After complaining Chili did not allow them to play with the ball Canada’s under 20 team is hoping to invoke the rarely used “It’s my ball” home team rule.

The 4 year Americas Cup yacht race was won by landlocked Switzerland by a single second. Swiss time keepers were quick to protest saying they actually won by 1.03978 seconds.

Asked how they felt about the win team officials said they were neutral. As for being a landlocked sailing power Swiss officials said the race went just as they planned it in their bathtub.

After seeing Serena Williams scream in pain after hitting herself in the calf with her racquet I guess we can safely say she didn’t hit the sweet spot. Not sure if hitting her calf was the best treatment, it’s like a race car driver punching his hand into the wall to crack his knuckles.

Calgary Stampeders Jeremaine Copeland and Nik Lewis have toned down their touchdown celebrations this year citing their newfound environmental awareness. When possible they will reuse routines from last year and cut down on hot air emissions.

The producers of Canadian Idol are furious voters from Toronto are not supporting their hometown singers even though they may not be the most talented. Sources say this should not be a determining factor I mean come on… you cheer for the Leafs!

They say that a tie is like kissing your sister but after a season like last year the Edmonton Eskimos must have one that looks like Angelina Jolie.

My girlfriend thought she caught me watching porn, but it was just the Williams/Sharapova Wimbledon match. If Sharapova ever decides to write a tell all book the title is obvious…Deep Throat.

Oakland Raiders running back Dominic Rhodes was sentenced to a 4 game suspension on Monday. Declaring the sentence “harsh” President Bush has commuted his sentence to life in Cincinnati.

The Calgary Stampede starts on Friday and with the increased threat of terrorism in England Prince Harry will personally conduct the cavity searches at Cowboys. The staffing shortage in Calgary bars means this year you may have to take a “body shot” off your own body. Seeing how attracted the Prince was to the Cowboys barmaid outfit has affected Calgary women. This year when you see a “Hoedown” she has probably just broken a heel.