Dream Parade

Due to the unrest in Tibet the Olympic torch run has been changed to the torch and run.

In an effort to put a positive spin on the troops being sent into Tibet, Chinese officials are calling it their version of March Madness.

The MLB players union is looking into possible collusion as a reason Barry Bonds has not been signed by a team. A spokesperson for Bonds says he is still pumped at the prospect of playing another year and feel he can still give it his best shot.

Sources in the CFL say they are close to having another team in Ottawa they just have to cross a few more X’s and O’s.

Turns out Vessa Toskula is the best goalie Toronto has ever had by a long shot.

After watching President Bush say the invasion of Iraq was an unqualified success I’m thinking the Maple Leafs search for a new GM may be over.

A report says people who are tight with their money experience pain when spending similar to the pain Toronto Maple Leaf fans feel when their team spends money on a free agent.

The Alberta Government has raised the minimum wage saying it shouldn’t take more than 2 days to pay for an average ticket to an NHL game.

Due to increased building in the downtown Calgary has said they will be looking to re-route the Stamped parade although the Stanley Cup parade is still scheduled to go ahead in their dreams.

Crystal having a Ball

Sean Avery has received some support from President Bush over his suspension with the Commander in Chief saying sometimes it’s OK to waterbottle.

A new report from the EPA says prescription drugs are turning up in the water supply to which Roger Clemens replied “See I told you it could happen to anyone”.

Canada and Chinese Taipei were involved in a bench clearing brawl during an Olympic qualifying match. Police were called in to restore order and declare independence from China.

Aaron Rogers has asked Green Bay Packers fans for patience saying it will take him a few interceptions to erase the memory of Brett Favre.

Actor Billy Crystal signed a 1 day contract with the NY Yankees where he will play in an exhibition game and later as part of the new MLB drug testing policy analyze piss.

You have to wonder if Billy took a performance enhancing drug would it be Crystal Clear.

A soccer brawl in Columbia which injured 85 people was apparently started by a jealous boyfriend. Official with Columbian soccer say they are investigating and will not offer free tickets again to Travis Henry.

A report has confirmed Roger Federer had mono which contributed to his recent loss in the Australian Open. Now that he is recovered the rest of the men can kiss their hopes at winning good bye.

China says they have foiled a terrorist plot that threatened the Olympics and have jailed 50,000 dissidents just to be safe.

The NHL is interested in holding an outdoor game at Yankee Stadium. It will be the last game played there which will make it the House that Ruth Built and Bettman brought down.

Although the teams have not yet been announced players are already lining up for a shot at the Yankees trainers.

Calgary Flames winger Jerome Iginla became the teams leading goal scorer and the ovation was so loud some of the fans had to put down their Blackberries to see what was going on.

Colorado Avalanche forward Peter Forsberg has been a game time decision with trainers deciding whether to keep him out of the line-up with a foot injury, back injury or groin injury.

With F1 coming to Singapore for the coming year you have to wonder if the fast new corner will be called the Singapore Sling.

Bad news on the New England Patriots Spygate scandal when it was discovered the tape that was to have shown the Patriots filming the St. Louis Rams during Super Bowl XXXVI was accidentally taped over for an episode of Lost.

Top 3 Signs the air in Beijing is becoming healthier

# 3 Air quality has been upgraded from “chunky” to “chewy”

# 2 Citizens now wearing masks just to rob you

# 1 Less Environmentalists being shot every day

Germany has confiscated over 1.3 tons of steroids. Officials became suspicious when they arrested 2 women carrying the steroids home on their backs.

In a related story German officials are warning citizens not to expect the usual results in Olympic weight lifting, hammer throwing or Volkswagen tossing.

No LIE!

The Calgary Flames have decided to give fans a mini video player during games because nothing is more exciting than a fan watching replays on a 4” screen.

The new 4” screens combine the excitement of watching a live NHL game with the fun of reading e-mails.

Golfer Ernie Els won a tournament this week by having his psychologist walk the course with him. This is now being copied by other athletes with Roger Clemens bringing along his Pharmacist, Chris Simon his Parole Officer and Travis Henry working with Dr. Ruth.

Don Cherry says Mats Sundin is prolonging his career by not playing for a playoff team and if anyone knows how to get longevity out of not winning the Stanley Cup it’s Don.

Prince Fielder was assigned a contract of $675,000 for the coming season or as his dad Cecil calls it a pretty good ante.

When the NHL owners stripped the players of everything in their last contract negotiations who would have thought a no-trade clause could cause them so much grief. It’s like the Americans sacking Iraq and finding out the only oil in the ground refuses to work in their cars.

Former Toronto Maple Leafs forward Chad Kilger has been suspended for not reporting to the Florida Panthers. A spokesperson for Kilger says he is just trying to prolong his career and wants a trade to a team further out of the playoffs.

Kerry Joseph the quarterback who led the Saskatchewan Roughriders to the Grey Cup has been traded to the Toronto Argonauts for a player to leave later.

If the Roughriders are unable to sign players to the team they will have to re-name Regina to Edmonton.

An amputee sprinter who has been ruled ineligible to run in the Olympics lost another appeal with the Olympic Committee saying the artificial legs give him an unfair advantage over the drugged competitors.

Toronto has lost its Grand Prix race for this year but a spokesman for the Leafs say they will pick up the slack by spinning their wheels and going in circles.

With Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Guy Lafleur all in legal trouble for lying you wonder if athletes really do give 110 %.

After hauling in all of 4 passes last year NY Giants receiver David Tyree has signed a book deal and quickly called it his greatest catch ever.

Oscar Rated

This year the Oscars had the worst TV ratings ever. Sources close to the show blame it on the new name “Oscar Night in Canada”.

This is the new age of accountability in the NHL with the best trade being $7.8 million over two years for $3.4 million, $2.2 million and a bonus to be named later.

Top 3 Signs your NHL Deadline Trade may be a bust...

# 3 John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Milbury give it a thumbs up

# 2 Other GM’s put you on their Fave 5 for next year

# 1 You refer to the prospect you got as having Darcy Tucker like potential

The Ottawa Senators have fired head coach John Paddock and replaced him with former coach and GM Bryan Murray raising speculation Paddock could soon be hired to help the Toronto Maple Leafs land a lottery pick.

I’m trying to decide what question I would ask on TV’s Moment of Truth.

Roger Clemens did you take steroids?

Brett Hull was your foot in the crease?

Marv Albert what does a thong feel like?

After scoring 15 goals on 20 shots to win a million dollars Darwin Head now has more goals than all but 2 Maple Leafs and costs $31 million less.

Pressure isn’t scoring 15 goals in 24 seconds or being in front of 18,000 fans it’s having your wife and mother-in law standing beside you and trying to explain later if you don’t.

My only thought when I heard ex-NHL player Len Barrie was part of the group interested in buying the Tampa Bay Lightening was what position would his son play?

After failing to make any progress at the draft the Toronto Maple Leafs are now looking at Plan B, hiring Mike Holmes to do a complete renovation.

Inexpert Analysis

In keeping with the spirit of hiring Mike Millbury and John Ferguson Jr. to be analysts for the NHL trade deadline, TSN has said they will beef up their Olympic coverage by adding members of the Jamaican Bobsled team and Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

This just in TSN has traded John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Millbury to ESPN for a viewer to be named later.

Mats Sundin says he wasn’t comfortable being a rental player to which rental GM Cliff Fletcher replied “You don’t really miss having a soul”.

Roger Clemens has bounced back from his lip licking testimony by signing a new 2-year deal with Chapstick.

The Tampa Bay Devils are auditioning “grossly overweight men” to be a part of a new between innings dance troupe so I guess it’s one more Spring Training for David Wells.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush has ducked a deposition hearing into his alleged taking of money at USC which is his best open field run of the year.

A New York diamond dealer is suing another dealer for interfering with a sale he was to have made to Roger Clemens. The dealer says his competitor lied about the quality of the diamond he was to have sold and not only that pumped up his prices through artificial means.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have dealt Wade Belak for a 5th round pick thus ending the draft crisis.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman testified in a Congressional Committee the NHL is steroid free and for proof showed them their lousy TV ratings.

Despite dropping millions over the years former MLB slugger Cecil Fielder says he doesn’t have a gambling problem he has a losing problem.

The Federal Government says it will give $25 million towards the Olympic torch run reminding everyone how good they are at burning taxpayer money.

Huston Rockets forward Yao Ming has been lost for the year as a result of a stress fracture from carrying the weight of China’s Olympic hopes for more than 4 years.

The Minnesota Wild traded for Chris Simon just before trading was suspended and before he begins another one.

The PGA has refined the final cut process making it possible for more players to lose to Tiger on Sunday.

FIFA has threatened to suspend Spain from World Cup Soccer play because of racial intolerance. Spain has retaliated saying they will take their fans and join NASCAR where they will be appreciated.

Norway has opened the largest Seed Storage Bank in the World with samples of fertile seeds from Europe, Africa and Travis Henry.

The world of sports was widely represented at the Oscars with No Country for Old Men the story of the Toronto Maple Leafs, There will be Blood a UFC love story and Juno based on an NBA road trip.

The Tampa Bay Devils say they have some interest in signing Barry Bonds signalling their intention to gas the season.

Hits the G Spot

Scientists have discovered the G spot on a woman. According to experts it varies in each woman with wives of Edmonton Oilers players finding it just after they call in the movers.

NHL goaltenders are asking to be allowed to advertise on their jerseys. Word is Martin Brodeur has lined up a deal with Sub Zero, Roberto Luongo is in discussions with Shutout Security and Vessa Toskula has had talks with Target.

A Saudi Prince has paid $14 million to secure the license plate # 1 which beat out the Toronto Maple Leafs offer of $10 million and 2 first round draft picks.

The only NHL GM to get burned at the meeting in Florida was Kevin Lowe who forgot his sun block.

In an effort to keep up with pro sports 7-11 is considering a no-trade policy on its Slurpies.

CFL free agency has begun with the players association still fuming the players have to play for free.

The Edmonton Rush of the NLL fired their entire coaching staff after a winless start leading to speculation someone may notice.

The KO Corral

Despite chronic shortage in staff the Calgary Police were singing the national anthem during the Flames game on Saturday while victims of crime were singing the blues.

My respect for Roger Clemens has spiralled when I heard reports he was able to get his wife to take a shot of growth hormone in the stomach to make her more attractive. Most guys can’t needle their wives at all about their looks. Roger can get his wife to take a shot in the stomach and I can’t get my girlfriend to take a chill pill.

Had a tough time explaining to the girlfriend how I could go through the same amount of beer to watch 3 games on Hockey Day as I did for the Super Bowl.

A report says there are 30% less kids in organized sports than a decade ago and yet the amount of times parents have to get up before 5:00 AM on a Saturday to get them to a game has risen. The report painted a dire picture for some sports saying if the trend continues there wouldn’t be enough minor league players to fill the Leafs.

After the terrible neck injury to Richard Zednick NHL officials are looking a requiring players to either put on a neck guard or at least wear one of Don Cherry’s shirts.

Montreal Canadians defenseman Ryan O'Byrne was charged with stealing a woman’s purse at a Tampa Nightclub. In his defence O’Byrne thought it was left behind by Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Tlusty. Most disturbing was that the purse didn’t even match his shoes.

Andy Pettitte, Kirk Radomski and Chris Knoblach have been excused from testifying at the Congressional Committee on drug use in baseball. A spokesman for the Committee says with Roger Clemens his trainer Brian McNamee they have enough rings to fill the circus.

Shaquille O'Neal says his first workout with the Phoenix Suns left him winded and next practice he hopes to get his running shoes on without help.

A report recently released shows NHL players are on average older than in past years which explains the run on bi-focal visors.

Canadian Davis Cup tennis teams remained undefeated in games played at the Calgary Corral or as they call it the KO Corral.

In an effort to turn attention from the upcoming Ultimate Fight card in Montreal the NHL is looking to schedule another Battle of Alberta opposite it.

Danica Patrick is one of the swimsuit models for the upcoming Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition which brings a whole new meaning to driving with the top down.

Roger Clemens was obviously having trouble with his facts during his testimony because everyone knows he dated Miss Remember after Miss October.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions from the Congressional Steroid Inquiry...

# 5 Was the Nanny Hot?

# 4 When Roger said he had to run home from school was it uphill both ways and was he barefoot?

# 3 Was OJ involved?

# 2 Will HGH get my wife into the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition?

And the # 1 unanswered question...

When will Judge Judy issue her ruling?