Roger and Me and Me and Me and....

A convicted steroid dealer says NFL players use a hair loss drug to confuse drug tests called Head and Shoulders and Biceps and Abs.

Roger Clemens is denying reports he had a decade long affair with country singer Mindy McCready saying he just likes her music especially the song “You’ll never know”.

Roger says he wanted to break off the relationship with Mindy but was worried his dog wouldn’t come back and he’d lose his truck and mobile home.

Plate umpire Kerwin Danley broke his jaw after being hit with a foul ball and was reported to be unconscious but coherent a common complaint against umpires.

Alex Ovechkin required over $700,000 insuring his contract to play in the World Hockey Championship $500,000 of which was designated for dental work.

The Tennessee Titans traded Packman Jones to Dallas for a conviction to be named later.

I am confused is Grand Theft Auto a video game, the ongoing Formula 1 espionage scandal or when Dancia Patrick wins a race?

After signing a contract for $126 million Barry Zito has been assigned to the bullpen making him the most expensive set-up man since Dean Martin.

The Toronto Raptors were sent to the sidelines after losing their fifth straight playoff series or as the Maple Leafs call it an enviable record.

The owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs are said to be interested in purchasing an English Soccer club saying they feel confident they can export their losses overseas.

Soccer star Ronaldo is denying he knew the prostitutes he picked up were transvestites saying when he heard they played for a different team he thought that meant Chelsea.

The NFL Draft was a rousing success with the players selected passing every test except apparently their English exams.

The CFL Draft is like being chosen to work in fast food; you are happy to be making some money but really wanted a shot at something meaningful.

The Toronto Blue Jays have spent $7 million buying out the contract of Frank Thomas, the Raptors are thinking of releasing Coach Sam Mitchell and guard TJ Ford and the Leafs are looking to shed salaries from their team. The new recruiting slogan for Toronto teams will be “If at first you don’t succeed we will buy out, buy out again”.

Organizers of the British Open say they will wait a year to institute drug testing saying it will take the pressure off some of the golfers to hit the cup.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders and Montreal Alouettes are fighting the decision to penalize them for going over the CFL’s salary cap saying no one told them the coupons they used had an expiry date.

The NHL has formed a committee to look into goaltender equipment saying they want to keep down the rate of inflation.

Sean Avery was sent to Hospital with a lacerated spleen surprising everyone who thought he would have gall related problems.

How ironic is it that Sean Avery who skates around the ice venting his spleen at other players was hospitalized because his became lacerated?

It was reported Avery had a heart attack and passed out it turned out to be TSN “expert” Mike Millbury who now has nothing to say.

The CFL held its draft on the internet where there were surprise picks, blockbuster trades and the chance to help out a Nigerian Oil Minister move some of his assets.

Calgary Hitman Karl Alsner won the best defenseman award in Jr. Hockey despite taking only 10 minutes in penalties or less than the average shift of the old New Westminster Bruins team.

First it was Dancia Patrick winning an IRL race then Ashley Force became the first woman to win a national Funny Car Event and now Hillary Clinton is trying to rear end Barack Obama at the finish line.

It would be nice to see the Saskatchewan Roughriders have a home-grown quarterback but I have been informed by my girlfriend Teale doesn’t go with Green.

Golf swing coach Butch Harmon apologized to John Daley for quitting after hearing he had spent time drinking during a rain delay and then quit again after seeing pictures of him with his shirt off.

Albert Hofmann who discovered LSD died this week and in a final interview regretted people never appreciated what the drug could do saying “If you take enough acid, the drafting record of Mike Millbury makes perfect sense”.

The NBA chose Kevin Durant as its rookie of the year and in a surprise twist he accepted the award in Oklahoma wearing a cowboy hat.

With Seattle and Oklahoma fighting over the NBA team will next year’s players be drinking Starbucks or listening to Buck Stars?

The Kentucky Derby has 1 filly and 19 males in the race or as the NBA calls it room service.

Canadian Olympic Athletes have been given a smog filter they can use at the Games in Beijing and while waiting to catch the plane in Toronto.

Reports are surfacing that Roger Clemens has been having sex with multiple women including some who are underage. The news has been greeted with relief from Hall of Fame voters saying they can finally put up his accomplishments alongside other greats of the game.

With Roger flying around with multiple women in his plane are we sure they tested for the right performance enhancing drugs?

Father Knows Best

I saw a TV Show with a bunch of old white men in funny clothes praying for divine intervention and wasn’t sure if it was about the Pope’s visit or the Masters coverage.

The Pope used his address at Yankee Stadium to once again confront the allegations of sexual abuse apologizing to ball boys everywhere.

I thought the Pope picked an interesting place to talk about the evils of contraception, standing on the pitchers rubber.

The UFC says 21,000 fans prove the UFC should be allowed in Canada and begs the question how many tickets would we need to sell to get Gladiators back?

Dancia Patrick won a Formula 1 race when the leading drivers had to pit but who among us wouldn’t run out of gas with Dancia?

By releasing Frank Thomas and having to pay him nearly $7 million to not play I guess it’s the bottom line that gets the big hurt.

Watching the fake Gladiator open their pre-game ceremony was it really necessary for the Ottawa Senators to hire an actor to fall on the sword?

After being caught on a Nazi-Bondage tape F-1 head Max Mosley says he will retire in 2009 because he has a few loose ends to tie up.

Former Tour de France champion Jan Ullrich agreed to pay a fine of over $1 million to settle allegations of drug charges which will require him to pedal a lot of steroids.

I guess the charges against Ullrich were pumped up after all.

If the US Government would just fine the athletes who are guilty of taking illegal drugs they could probably pay off the national debt.

Mike Millbury of the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) says Alex Ovechkin is playing like a dog and if anyone knows how to spot and sign dogs it’s him.

They should call him “Mute” because it’s what we do to the TV when he comes on.

The LA Lakers will be playing the Denver Nuggets in the NBA playoffs which means Kobe Bryant can join the mile high club on the way to the mile high city.

The last time Kobe spent any time in Denver he was charged with harassment so I guess his wife is shopping for more diamonds.

Harry Sindon says his star defenseman Zdeno Chara has a rib injury and also told his daughter’s date she gets really friendly after a few drinks.

A POPEular Guy

There were reports of another polygamist sect operating in Denver but it turned out to just be a Travis Henry family reunion.

Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker once played Russian roulette with a loaded pistol and thankfully it wasn’t a hole he hit.

Despite winning the 2006 Cialis Open golfer Trevor Immelman says winning the Masters was the real big one.

The Buffalo Bills will play the Miami Dolphins in an NFL game in Toronto thus continuing the foundation Toronto sports teams have established, paying ridiculous prices for losing teams.

MLB honoured Jackie Robinson with some players wearing his number 42 and Toronto closer Jeremy Accardo posting it as his ERA.

The Vancouver Canucks fired GM Dave Nonis saying he was no Brian Burke who they had fired before him.

United States Olympic Chairman Peter Ueberroth says he believes the US will field a clean team citing a sponsorship agreement with Dove, Head and Shoulders and Irish Spring.

He says only time will tell how many athletes will be found to have used performance enhancing drugs though he felt the onus was on athletes to find better masking agents.

For the first time the Boston Marathon will post Ads at the start and finish line of the race and in an ironic turn the first sponsor will be the English Tea Company.

France will not allow their athletes to wear a badge saying “For a better World” saying it contrasts with the agreed upon slogan “Have a smoke”.

Tiger Woods will undergo knee surgery which will coincide with a cut in TV golf coverage.

Pope Benedict will say a mass in the home of the Washington Senators a team desperately seeking divine intervention.

The Ottawa Senators turned out like most Governments do, all start no finish.

An astronaut threw out the first pitch to a NY Yankee game from the Space Station the second person to throw one from orbit after Bull “Spaceman” Lee.

Recently fired Vancouver Canuck GM Dave Nonis is embracing the digital age with his press conference being shown on both a sports network and Monster.ca.

The owner of the Cowboys’ Nightclub says he might open up a gay bar in Calgary noting there will be less interference than he is getting to his plans to open a regular club and during the Stampede he can get a real deal on chaps.

The Pope is asking his US Bishops to educate children on proper sexuality which is like Sean Avery advising children on how to act like an adult.

Top 3 signs the US Olympic athletes will be drug free

# 3 Drug testing coincided with bring your daughter to work day

# 2 Relay team practices passing vials of clean urine to each other

# 1 The only Olympic medals the US wins are for good sportsmanship

His Cup nearly half full

The Amen Corner at the Masters is the hole where broadcasters pray Tiger Woods is still in the hunt.

A section of the stands collapsed during a Memphis Grizzlies game causing officials to ponder the wisdom of the all you can eat buffet promotion.

Jimmie Johnson says he didn’t skip a fuel stop on purpose he just didn’t have enough cash for another fill up.

Former Detroit Tigers pitcher Denny McLain was released from jail after a reliever came in to close out his sentence.

The cost of houses has increased in Saskatoon by 58% in the past year prompting speculation the population may be softened up enough to support $200 NHL tickets.

Michael Strahan has asked a court to reduce his divorce settlement saying he is the one who was supposed to sack people.

A rare occurrence on Friday when both the Masters commentators and announcers of the Flyers - Capitals game used the term striking the ball well.

After watching Philadelphia Flyers Patrick Thoresen take a slapshot off the groin I’m pretty sure Stanley wasn’t his favourite Cup.

Listening to the music the Masters uses reminds me isn’t it about time for the Ice Cream Trucks to start up?

NY Rangers forward Sean Avery was just playing charades with New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur and I got it right away, 1 word sounds like stick...easy.

Workers at NY Yankee Stadium were slowed down as they dug up a Boston Red Sox Jersey as they had to work around the remains of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart.

In what has been described as a first for NY a worker dug up a Boston Red Sox jersey and there was no body with it.

Despite winning the 2006 Cialis Open golfer Trevor Immelman says winning the Masters was the real big one.

Sneaks of San Francisco

A study released has shown a group of monkeys were more successful picking stocks than a group of brokers which might explain the Maple Leafs hiring of Jane Goodall.

With 3 of 6 Canadian hockey teams making the playoffs the race for the Cup is either half full or half empty.

CBC has announced the cancellation of the Royal Canadian Air Farce saying they just couldn’t write anything funnier than watching the Leafs.

Top 3 signs your pitcher and catcher had a fight during spring training

#3 Pitcher throws a slider down and away during a pitchout

#2 Catcher argues with the umpire on a called strike

#1 Every sign from the catcher is 1 finger

After receiving a broken leg during a charity game between Juno participants and NHL Old-timers, musician Michael Hollett says in retrospect he shouldn’t have worn an Oilers Jersey.

Portland Trailblazers injured center Greg Oden was criticized for playing a pick-up game with his beer league buddies with management saying they didn’t care how many of the Knicks were his friends.

I’m saying it was March Madness that made me pick Tampa Bay as my AL East pennant winner.

Watching the NY Yankees lose 2 straight to Tampa Bay makes me wonder how long until the Yankees recall Billy Crystal.

The Cincinnati Bengals are releasing players with a history of legal troubles and say they will look at future players who pass a morality bar and not start gunfights in one.

With so many NFL players being charged with crimes in the off season the ankle monitoring devise is now the latest must have piece of Bling.

Kobe Bryant says he will start swearing in a foreign language to avoid getting technical fouls and the first language he will attempt is English.

The biggest concern for China is not that protesters will try to extinguish the Olympic torch but that the air quality in Beijing will put it out.

Due to anti-US sentiments around the world the US Olympic Committee has replaced their usual clothing supplier Roots with one that has better flame retardant properties.

The coach of the Greek weightlifting team has blamed China for supplying supplements laced with steroids instead of the requested lead and mercury.

The name of the Olympic torch relay has now been changed to the 137,000 kilometre dash.

Not sure they wanted it that way but watching who would be the winner of the NHL Lottery pick turned out to be a real page turner.

A report from Environment Canada says over 1700 Canadian towns have water that is undrinkable but hockey fans in Toronto are still being asked to swallow the Maple Leafs Kool Aid.

The hockey playoffs are upon us or as Gillette Razors call it, the Dark Ages.

One of the reasons Edmonton and Chicago failed to make the playoffs is they don’t have enough players that can grow the required beard.

In an effort to stop the Olympic Flame from being extinguished China has ordered a new vehicle similar to the Popemobile to be called the Torchtank.

The Olympic Torch run had a retro look as the whole process turned into an episode of the Sneaks of San Francisco.

Once again NHL teams are trying to hide injuries with the Minnesota Wild saying defense man Nick Schultz’s appendectomy will leave him operating at less than 100%.

The Chinese have revised the qualifications for Olympic torch bearers with the new standards being the runner must race faster, hold the torch higher and be stronger than the person trying to take it out of their hands.

Researchers have discovered traits in men that can tell if they want a casual relationship. This includes a masculine appearance, enjoyment of sporting events and being male.

The talk this week was all about exit strategies as golfers scrambled to find a way to avoid Tiger at the Masters.

Representatives of the major Canadian Banks attended a meeting with officials of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to discover how after years of losses they can still record obscene profits.

The NHL has cautioned teams against unacceptable behaviour including scrums after the whistle, cheap shots and allowing a Canadian team to be in the finals.

The Montreal Canadians have sequestered the players in a Motel saying it takes away the distractions created by wives and mistresses.

Making Cents of the CFL

Gordie Howe turned 80 last week and due to his age it took him longer than usual to elbow out his candles.

Todd Bertuzzi is trying to drag his ex coach Marc Crawford into the lawsuit with Steve Moore by saying Crawford told him to attack Moore. In his defence Crawford says Bertuzzi just misheard him and what he really said was to attack more.

Ironic that Passover and Toronto’s Stanley Cup playoff hopes came to an end on the same week.

You know the Jr. Hockey brawl was serious news when the Dali Lama asked for peace between Quebec Ramparts and Chicoutimi Sagueneens.

After his Quebec supporter demanded Liberal Leader Stephane Dion resign, Mr. Dion asked for people to concentrate on the real problem in Canada fighting in Jr. Hockey.

Officials with the City of Calgary want to put a tax on business owners along the “Red Mile” to help with clean-up and policing costs. The new tax will be called the Pee ST.

Calgary was the only City in Canada to record an increase in power consumption during Earth Hour with most people watching the Flames playoff hopes fall off the radar.

China says the recent detainment of Monks in Tibet was just an audition for candidate to throw third rocks for their Olympic curling team.

Despite the PGA Zurich Classic having an alligator on the course and bee’s swarming above, the field felt most grateful there were no Tigers.

Doctors are saying drugs used to treat depression are causing an epidemic of obesity and is also the reason Toronto Maple Leaf Jerseys only come in XXXL.

Yahoo unveiled a new web portal to appeal to women called Shine and not to be outdone the NHL revealed its new site called Shiner.

The NFL has ruled a defensive player from each team will be allowed to wear a helmet with a receiver built in and will be called the I-Pound.

The NFL says it has closed the chapter on the Spygate scandal and has concluded the New England Patriots were innocent of any attempts to get an advantage over competitors and then ended the press conference by saying April Fools.

Edmonton Oilers coach Craig Mctavish says despite his team not making the playoffs it has been one of his most enjoyable years. Asked how he plans to spend the offseason Craig says he will vacation in Iraq and spend some quality time at his cottage in the Alberta Oilsands.

Guy LaFleur is suing the Quebec police for $3.5 million as a result of his highly publicized arrest and in a strange turn wants to be paid in cartons of Export “A” Light.

In what has to be the ultimate irony, RIM owner Jim Balsille found out he will be unable to move a team into Southern Ontario in a text message from the NHL.

F1 boss Max Mosley is defending his part in a 6 way Nazi themed sex orgy by saying it was just one of life’s speed bumps.

Mosley says the reason there were 6 women involved was that like a late model German car, as you get older it sometimes becomes harder to get the oil changed.

Mosley says he is considering retiring and will be a part of a group offering a Nazi themed oil change called the Minute Man Lube.

The Los Angeles Kings miss the playoffs, the Toronto Maple Leafs miss the playoffs and the Edmonton Oilers miss the playoffs. I thought with the writers’ strike being over we were done with re-runs.

The Alberta Government says they feel the worst of their health care crisis is over citing an increase in Doctors, opening new Hospital beds and the fact the Oilers are through for the year.

Russian tennis player Mikhail Youzhny beat himself on the head with his racquet disproving the adage you can`t get blood from a stone.

The Canadian Government is studying the removal of pennies from the currency saying they will talk to the people most affected store owners, the service industry and CFL players.

The Ali Snuggle

A man from Quebec City says he has purchased the oldest hockey stick and confirmed it with carbon dating, expert analysis and asking Chris Chelios when he last used it.

With all the finger injuries to Toronto Blue Jays players team officials are now adding gelatine in addition to their regular drug regime.

It’s quite a year when the Blue Jays chances are hanging by their fingernails before the season even begins.

Olympic officials are said to be looking into the new LZR swimsuit which has been used by swimmers breaking 11 world records. The new suit is said to be more buoyant but does not pass the most critical test that being did the makers of the suit pay for Olympic Sponsorship?

Watching the women’s world curling championships who would have thought China would be so good at throwing rocks?

Greece is upset with Macedonia for attempting to enter NATO with the name of their country which is the same as a Greek Province. Canadian officials have offered a solution saying they should call the country the Rough Riders.

In an effort to increase viewers for the coming NHL playoffs NBC is trying out slogans to compete with the success of College Basketball’s March Madness. Suggestions include April Apathy, Ice Cold and What the Puck.

Female boxer Laila Ali is pregnant and says next time she should release from the clinch quicker.

The NFL is considering a rule to limit the length of a player’s hair saying there are too many less split ends on the split ends. The rule has gone to a vote where it is hoped it won’t end in a dreadlock.

Former slugger Jose Canseco says in his latest book NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez tried to hit on his wife but fortunately it was during the post season so he struck out.

A 425 sq. Mile chunk of ice has broken off from the Antarctic Shelf. Scientist suspect it is from Global Warming increased CO2 in the atmosphere or all the hot air surrounding the Jr. Hockey fight featuring Patrick Roy and his son.

There are calls for a ban on fighting in Jr. Hockey because as we all know if you ban something kids will immediately stop doing it.

The CBC is producing a movie on the life of Don Cherry with filming to start once they collar a director.

What’s the world coming to? I turned on the TV to watch a hockey fight and all I got was politicians and analysts fighting over fighting.

In recognition of Earth Hour the CBC has decided to move the hot air released during Coaches Corner to after 9:00 PM. In a related story Canadian teams have been asked not to score between 8:00 and 9:00 PM so as not to turn on the red light.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said they may boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. An official with the French Government later clarified the statement saying they would just be “fashionably late”.

Heath Benedict a 6’6” 320 lb. offensive lineman who was to enter the NFL draft this year was found dead on his couch. The cause of death has not yet been released while officials try to come up with another word for obvious.

Officials with the America’s Cup Yacht Race are upset the competing teams will be decided in court saying it is the worst case of rich men fighting over their boats since last Tuesday.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo has left the team to be with his wife while she gives birth. In a show of support the rest of the teams fighting for a playoff spot in the Western Conference were seen handing out cigars.