I’m not sure Manny has the entire fertility drug out of his system because after hitting a home run he gave the fans a curtsy call..
PRTA is calling on TV broadcasters to boycott the Calgary Stampede saying it is complicit in the cruelty. I guess that means the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) must be guilty of crimes against humanity for giving us so many Leaf, Raptor, Jays and Argos games.
A village in Saskatchewan has built a replica of the Eifel Tower in order to attract tourists and investment. When asked to comment Gary Bettman said nice try, but you still don’t get a franchise.
The BC Civil Liberties Association has accused the International Olympic Committee of restricting free speech. Asked to comment an Olympic spokesman said “ “.
The Staples Center in Los Angles is holding an on-line auction for the tickets to Michael Jackson’s memorial service. The LA Clippers were hoping to cash in on the frenzy by offering season tickets to see their stiffs at the same time.
Until Danny Heatley rejected an offer to play with the Oilers I didn’t even know he was married.
Watching Jessie Lumsden reminds me of the Kindergarten song “head and shoulder knees and toe...knees and toes.”
Over 1.6 million people applied for tickets to see memorial service of Michael Jackson. This surpasses the previous record for people wanting to see a morbid spectacle set by Maple Leaf season ticket hopefuls.
Last Twitter update from Steve McNair... just bought my girlfriend the cutest gun...
What is more interesting the running of the bulls in Pamplona or the spreading of the bull by Gary Bettman?
Jewish athletes from all over the world have gathered to compete in athletic events but alas no golf skins game.
Scientists have detected a hormone which can tell women the moment they become pregnant thus replacing the old way hooking up with an NBA player.
Baseball Wives is another TV show filled with women I could never get to 2nd base with
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Homely Court Disadvantage
Twitter has scored another 1st as they were able to capture the whole press conference announcing the signing of Jay Boumeester with Daryl Sutter in less than 140 characters.
Mike Holmes has been named the parade marshal for the Calgary Stampede and while he was in town did some work by checking out the foundations at Cowboys.
Wimbledon is under fire for admitting they chose the Centre Court players based on looks. This is a 180 degree reversal from an earlier decision to give English players the limelight.
Top 5 signs you are too ugly to play at Center Court in Wimbledon
# 5 Your dentist is British
# 4 The press describes you as having a bangers and mash complexion
# 3 Travis Henry turned you down for a conjugal visit
# 2 You had cosmetic surgery from Michael Jacksons Doctor
# 1 Your doubles partner wears blinders
NBA free agents are being given far less than in previous years with some going so far as to use condoms rather than pay more child support.
The CFL game between Toronto and Hamilton featured tributes to Michael Jackson with the Argos Arland Bruce imitating him in death after scoring a touchdown and the Tiger Cats copying his moon walk while on offense.
I think I have it straight, a Burka is a religious construct made of cotton used to protect the wearers’ modesty and a Brian Burka is a hockey contract made of money used to camouflage the players mediocrity.
A report says Canadians will have to work longer or have more kids to remain internationally competitive. The report was issued by a group including Brett Favre, Chris Chelios and Travis Henry.
So Canadians need to have more children, you know what that means... another NBA team is just about guaranteed.
Mike Holmes has been named the parade marshal for the Calgary Stampede and while he was in town did some work by checking out the foundations at Cowboys.
Wimbledon is under fire for admitting they chose the Centre Court players based on looks. This is a 180 degree reversal from an earlier decision to give English players the limelight.
Top 5 signs you are too ugly to play at Center Court in Wimbledon
# 5 Your dentist is British
# 4 The press describes you as having a bangers and mash complexion
# 3 Travis Henry turned you down for a conjugal visit
# 2 You had cosmetic surgery from Michael Jacksons Doctor
# 1 Your doubles partner wears blinders
NBA free agents are being given far less than in previous years with some going so far as to use condoms rather than pay more child support.
The CFL game between Toronto and Hamilton featured tributes to Michael Jackson with the Argos Arland Bruce imitating him in death after scoring a touchdown and the Tiger Cats copying his moon walk while on offense.
I think I have it straight, a Burka is a religious construct made of cotton used to protect the wearers’ modesty and a Brian Burka is a hockey contract made of money used to camouflage the players mediocrity.
A report says Canadians will have to work longer or have more kids to remain internationally competitive. The report was issued by a group including Brett Favre, Chris Chelios and Travis Henry.
So Canadians need to have more children, you know what that means... another NBA team is just about guaranteed.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Hole in Marketing
The coverage of the US Open was slightly tilted in praise of the US players. While Mike Weir held the early lead commentators attributed his lead to luck while beautiful swings from Michelson and Woods just had bad luck when the shot caught the bunkers, went out of bounds by a fraction or merely wounded spectators.
The biggest decisions facing the US Open were the rain delays, ticket refunds and what to do with all the video they pre-shot for Tiger Woods 1st Fathers Day win.
This just in: The Calgary Flames have announced the signing of Brent Sutter as their new head coach. Included in the deal was Brent’s ownership to the Red Deer Rebels which were then sent to New Jersey for the right to offer Brent the job.
New Jersey was originally holding out for the Flames stake in the Calgary Hitmen instead of the Rebels saying they felt a certain kinship.
Saturday was Soccer Day in Canada and the Moms taking the kids to the games agreed it was timed beautifully to precede Fathers Day.
The economy has really put the squeeze financially on this year’s US Open and I know it’s a Public Course and all but I think they have to stop taking tee times in between the players’ shots.
There was an awkward moment during the meeting between Gary Bettman and the NHL players when it was suggested the NHL was not on ESPN because they felt like a little fish in a big pond.
# 1 Twitter update from NFL players on Father’s Day... “Who’s your Daddy?”
NBC was so morose about the rain and Tiger not being in contention you almost expected them to close out coverage each day with Taps.
Why not re-name the course Beth Page Bath?
Maybe they won’t break any viewer records at this year’s US Open but it should get good numbers once it goes into rotation on the new Obituary Channel.
You would think the announcers have somewhere better to be on Monday instead of commenting on Golf.
With all the talk about hybrid clubs you would have thought the organizers could have gotten a sponsorship from Prius.
There is specualation the Molson bid for the Montreal Canadians is being funded by the Quebec Pension fund. This would explain the seemingly drunk decisions the agency took to lose 20% last year.
I wonder if they toasted the deal?
If they knew how much it would influence Russian boxing, I think the US might have nixed Rocky.
Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs is conditioning himself for his 1st draft with the team by jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth and leaping to speculation.
With the Raptors draft on Thurs. and the Leafs on Fri. It might be possible to blacken 2 days with one stroke of the pen.
Top 5 Fathers Day gifts for the Sutter Brothers
# 5 Flames ties
# 4 Flames socks
# 3 Flames golf balls
# 2 Flames cuff links
# 1 Flames Best Dad coffee mugs
Is it only a coincidence the Iranian revolution is wearing the same colours as the favourite team from Little Mosque on the Prairie?
The owner of Apple Stephen Jobs has been given a new liver in a transplant. Asked how he was able to keep the operation secret Jobs credited following the NHL injury disclosure policy.
A German equestrian rider was suspended after her horse tested positive for banned drugs. The horse was shocked blaming the test on a fertility drug commonly used by baseball players.
The suspension will be confirmed once they find a 5-gallon pail to get a B sample.
With President Obama throwing out the 1st pitch at the All-star game I hope he throws a change.
The USA beating Spain in soccer is being called the miracle on grass to which Michael Phelps replied try undressing a stripper after a few bong hits.
Alberta has outlawed armoured vehicles directly impacting gang members, drug dealers and payday deposits for the Flames.
South Carolina Gov. Sanford spent his Fathers Day having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Former NFL player Travis Henry says he was also out of the country for the day but did so to avoid the endless stream of pancakes from his kids.
ESPN viewed a pre draft special before their coverage of the NBA draft and not to be outdone Verses began their NHL draft coverage with a fly fishing special called the biggest catch.
The biggest decisions facing the US Open were the rain delays, ticket refunds and what to do with all the video they pre-shot for Tiger Woods 1st Fathers Day win.
This just in: The Calgary Flames have announced the signing of Brent Sutter as their new head coach. Included in the deal was Brent’s ownership to the Red Deer Rebels which were then sent to New Jersey for the right to offer Brent the job.
New Jersey was originally holding out for the Flames stake in the Calgary Hitmen instead of the Rebels saying they felt a certain kinship.
Saturday was Soccer Day in Canada and the Moms taking the kids to the games agreed it was timed beautifully to precede Fathers Day.
The economy has really put the squeeze financially on this year’s US Open and I know it’s a Public Course and all but I think they have to stop taking tee times in between the players’ shots.
There was an awkward moment during the meeting between Gary Bettman and the NHL players when it was suggested the NHL was not on ESPN because they felt like a little fish in a big pond.
# 1 Twitter update from NFL players on Father’s Day... “Who’s your Daddy?”
NBC was so morose about the rain and Tiger not being in contention you almost expected them to close out coverage each day with Taps.
Why not re-name the course Beth Page Bath?
Maybe they won’t break any viewer records at this year’s US Open but it should get good numbers once it goes into rotation on the new Obituary Channel.
You would think the announcers have somewhere better to be on Monday instead of commenting on Golf.
With all the talk about hybrid clubs you would have thought the organizers could have gotten a sponsorship from Prius.
There is specualation the Molson bid for the Montreal Canadians is being funded by the Quebec Pension fund. This would explain the seemingly drunk decisions the agency took to lose 20% last year.
I wonder if they toasted the deal?
If they knew how much it would influence Russian boxing, I think the US might have nixed Rocky.
Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs is conditioning himself for his 1st draft with the team by jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth and leaping to speculation.
With the Raptors draft on Thurs. and the Leafs on Fri. It might be possible to blacken 2 days with one stroke of the pen.
Top 5 Fathers Day gifts for the Sutter Brothers
# 5 Flames ties
# 4 Flames socks
# 3 Flames golf balls
# 2 Flames cuff links
# 1 Flames Best Dad coffee mugs
Is it only a coincidence the Iranian revolution is wearing the same colours as the favourite team from Little Mosque on the Prairie?
The owner of Apple Stephen Jobs has been given a new liver in a transplant. Asked how he was able to keep the operation secret Jobs credited following the NHL injury disclosure policy.
A German equestrian rider was suspended after her horse tested positive for banned drugs. The horse was shocked blaming the test on a fertility drug commonly used by baseball players.
The suspension will be confirmed once they find a 5-gallon pail to get a B sample.
With President Obama throwing out the 1st pitch at the All-star game I hope he throws a change.
The USA beating Spain in soccer is being called the miracle on grass to which Michael Phelps replied try undressing a stripper after a few bong hits.
Alberta has outlawed armoured vehicles directly impacting gang members, drug dealers and payday deposits for the Flames.
South Carolina Gov. Sanford spent his Fathers Day having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Former NFL player Travis Henry says he was also out of the country for the day but did so to avoid the endless stream of pancakes from his kids.
ESPN viewed a pre draft special before their coverage of the NBA draft and not to be outdone Verses began their NHL draft coverage with a fly fishing special called the biggest catch.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Hall of a cheap time
Mike Holmes has been named the 2009 marshal of the Calgary Stampede Parade. This is only fitting as the downtown core of Calgary looks like a renovation that has gone horribly wrong. Holmes spent some time surveying the sites of Calgary and was especially impressed how the foundations at Cowboys defied gravity.
Sammy Sosa is reported to be on the list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs before baseball began regular testing. Asked to comment Sosa replied “no hablo English”.
It looks like the NHL has won the battle to retain control over the Phoenix Coyotes after a judge ruled he could not approve a transfer as part of bankruptcy proceedings. A jubilant Gary Bettman told reporters he is confident a buyer looking to lose millions can be found but if not he is sure the players will not mind subsidising the loss.
The US Government is in talks with the NHL to use the Jobbing.com arena in Phoenix as a treatment centre for the H1N1 flu. A spokesman for the Department of Health is excited because no fever generated in the arena has ever transferred to the general public.
The NHL playoffs were the most watched in the last 40 years and to celebrate Versus Network promises to broadcast next year’s games in colour.
Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom played in the Stanley Cup final despite having a "nearly catastrophic injury to his testicle." His injury was kept secret and his lack of production was attributed to a reaction to bad nuts.
Top 5 signs your City put on a cheap championship parade
# 5 Special Guest Speaker: William from Sanitation
# 4 Convertibles replaced by street sweepers
# 3 The parade route is a Cul de Sac
# 2 Instead of a Key to the City you are given an expired pass key to a Motel 6
# 1 By charging for using the toilet it turns a small profit
A report from Corrections Canada says inmates will be offered money to take part in treatment programs. Details of the offer are still being worked out with the amount to be paid, who is eligible and if the convicts are professional athletes will the money count against the salary cap.
It is reported the mark-up for text messages is nearly 4900% or roughly the same amount as a pair of Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets. This explains why Rogers Communications can turn a profit with the Blue Jays as every “Jays Suck” text is a goldmine.
The Sundin twins have asked for a contract said to be 12 years in length and over $63 million in total. The twins talked about how they could justify a contract which would end with them being nearly 40 and they were quick to point out the average 40 year old Swede is in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian. The Canucks responded saying the old Participaction commercial no longer applies.
Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf was arrested at the Us Canada border and charged with drug and burglary charges and might be the worst QB sneak he has ever attempted.
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke says he will not pursue Danny Heatley saying his actions were irresponsible and he knows irresponsible. Burke says signing Heatley would upset his 20 year turnaround plan.
Buffalo Bill receiver Terrel Owens has found a place to rent in Buffalo. His agent says it was hard to find a luxury place that is available to rent on a week to week basis.
Top 5 signs an auto racer may be on performance enhancing drugs
# 5 He has larger breasts than Dancia Patrick
# 4 Doesn’t need a jack to change a tire
# 3 His biggest sponsor is BALCO
# 2 Has a severe bout of road rage during his victory lap
# 1 Keeps bragging about his Armstrong power steering
Just because some of the NHL players were sporting cheesy ‘70’s moustaches this year doesn’t mean they had to play porn music during the awards show.
I kept waiting for Gary Bettman to jump out of a cake or deliver a pizza at least.
I know they were running out of hot supermodels to help present the awards but Rita McNeil?
The girlfriends of the players were a bit confused when they awarded the Lady Bing but there was no Bada.
Seeing the NHL players struggle to read their cue cards during the NHL Awards I’m thinking maybe a year of College might not be a bad idea.
The University of Toronto has unveiled the fastest computer in Canada. The computer will be used for medical science, environmental programs and to determine the odds of Toronto hosting a championship in the next 50 years.
Sammy Sosa is reported to be on the list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs before baseball began regular testing. Asked to comment Sosa replied “no hablo English”.
It looks like the NHL has won the battle to retain control over the Phoenix Coyotes after a judge ruled he could not approve a transfer as part of bankruptcy proceedings. A jubilant Gary Bettman told reporters he is confident a buyer looking to lose millions can be found but if not he is sure the players will not mind subsidising the loss.
The US Government is in talks with the NHL to use the Jobbing.com arena in Phoenix as a treatment centre for the H1N1 flu. A spokesman for the Department of Health is excited because no fever generated in the arena has ever transferred to the general public.
The NHL playoffs were the most watched in the last 40 years and to celebrate Versus Network promises to broadcast next year’s games in colour.
Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom played in the Stanley Cup final despite having a "nearly catastrophic injury to his testicle." His injury was kept secret and his lack of production was attributed to a reaction to bad nuts.
Top 5 signs your City put on a cheap championship parade
# 5 Special Guest Speaker: William from Sanitation
# 4 Convertibles replaced by street sweepers
# 3 The parade route is a Cul de Sac
# 2 Instead of a Key to the City you are given an expired pass key to a Motel 6
# 1 By charging for using the toilet it turns a small profit
A report from Corrections Canada says inmates will be offered money to take part in treatment programs. Details of the offer are still being worked out with the amount to be paid, who is eligible and if the convicts are professional athletes will the money count against the salary cap.
It is reported the mark-up for text messages is nearly 4900% or roughly the same amount as a pair of Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets. This explains why Rogers Communications can turn a profit with the Blue Jays as every “Jays Suck” text is a goldmine.
The Sundin twins have asked for a contract said to be 12 years in length and over $63 million in total. The twins talked about how they could justify a contract which would end with them being nearly 40 and they were quick to point out the average 40 year old Swede is in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian. The Canucks responded saying the old Participaction commercial no longer applies.
Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf was arrested at the Us Canada border and charged with drug and burglary charges and might be the worst QB sneak he has ever attempted.
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke says he will not pursue Danny Heatley saying his actions were irresponsible and he knows irresponsible. Burke says signing Heatley would upset his 20 year turnaround plan.
Buffalo Bill receiver Terrel Owens has found a place to rent in Buffalo. His agent says it was hard to find a luxury place that is available to rent on a week to week basis.
Top 5 signs an auto racer may be on performance enhancing drugs
# 5 He has larger breasts than Dancia Patrick
# 4 Doesn’t need a jack to change a tire
# 3 His biggest sponsor is BALCO
# 2 Has a severe bout of road rage during his victory lap
# 1 Keeps bragging about his Armstrong power steering
Just because some of the NHL players were sporting cheesy ‘70’s moustaches this year doesn’t mean they had to play porn music during the awards show.
I kept waiting for Gary Bettman to jump out of a cake or deliver a pizza at least.
I know they were running out of hot supermodels to help present the awards but Rita McNeil?
The girlfriends of the players were a bit confused when they awarded the Lady Bing but there was no Bada.
Seeing the NHL players struggle to read their cue cards during the NHL Awards I’m thinking maybe a year of College might not be a bad idea.
The University of Toronto has unveiled the fastest computer in Canada. The computer will be used for medical science, environmental programs and to determine the odds of Toronto hosting a championship in the next 50 years.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Phoenix Resting
The H1N1 flu is about to be upgraded to pandemic status which may put restrictions on people attending sporting events. Reacting to the crisis the NHL has offered the US Government the use of Jobbing.com arena for quarantine purposes saying there has never been a fever recorded that reached the public.
Andrew Lopez a motivational speaker consultant who has worked with a contestant for the Miss Universe pageant is the spokesman for the Toronto Legacy who want to bring a 2nd NHL team to Toronto. When asked about the team goals Lopez said to win a Stanley Cup, donate 25% of profits to charity and of course world peace.
The Legacy was not their original choice for the team hoping to add a competing sports franchise to a major city but the Clippers were taken.
I know it was Roger Feder’s 1st French Open and the tie with Pete Sampras but enough already with the kissing, fondling and groping of the trophy. Get a room. Save your romance for the trophy on your other arm.
The unofficial Prime Minister of Russia has spoken out against the opulence of the West. In particular he pointed out unsustainable energy use, the luxury of an unending food supply and the unshakable belief the Leafs will make the playoffs.
As a sign of the times the PM of Russia has asked Gary Bettman to come up with a nationwide salad cap.
The NHL awards are in Los Vegas this year which is only fitting in light of the fight to move the Phoenix franchise to Hamilton. Now if Bettman can only enforce the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” motto to Phoenix.
Top 5 signs you should retire from Pro sports
# 5 Offseason surgery included cataracts, corns and colon
# 4 Your old jersey number was in Roman Numerals
# 3 You haze the new rookies by getting them to clip your toenails
# 2 You spend most of training camp running in the draft of the younger players
# 1 You tell the groupies to have the guys home by 11:00
Watching Roger Federe break into tears at winning the French Open and the way he kissed the trophy highlights the growing problem of female hormones in Pro Sports. Drug officials are perplexed and can’t conceive of a possible reason.
What is the difference between a wide receiver and a woman trying to get pregnant? Sorry that was meant to be rhetorical.
Thomas Beatie the pregnant man is giving birth to a second baby and while talking to reporters gave a shout out to Manny Ramirez and told him to keep trying.
The Canadian Mint is investigating the disappearance of thousands of ounces of gold and gold dust from the vaults. In a related story a prospector from Arizona says he has discovered gold under the parking lot of the Phoenix Coyotes arena and plans to make an offer for the team. When asked to comment Gary Bettman laughed and stroked his cat.
Andrew Lopez a motivational speaker consultant who has worked with a contestant for the Miss Universe pageant is the spokesman for the Toronto Legacy who want to bring a 2nd NHL team to Toronto. When asked about the team goals Lopez said to win a Stanley Cup, donate 25% of profits to charity and of course world peace.
The Legacy was not their original choice for the team hoping to add a competing sports franchise to a major city but the Clippers were taken.
I know it was Roger Feder’s 1st French Open and the tie with Pete Sampras but enough already with the kissing, fondling and groping of the trophy. Get a room. Save your romance for the trophy on your other arm.
The unofficial Prime Minister of Russia has spoken out against the opulence of the West. In particular he pointed out unsustainable energy use, the luxury of an unending food supply and the unshakable belief the Leafs will make the playoffs.
As a sign of the times the PM of Russia has asked Gary Bettman to come up with a nationwide salad cap.
The NHL awards are in Los Vegas this year which is only fitting in light of the fight to move the Phoenix franchise to Hamilton. Now if Bettman can only enforce the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” motto to Phoenix.
Top 5 signs you should retire from Pro sports
# 5 Offseason surgery included cataracts, corns and colon
# 4 Your old jersey number was in Roman Numerals
# 3 You haze the new rookies by getting them to clip your toenails
# 2 You spend most of training camp running in the draft of the younger players
# 1 You tell the groupies to have the guys home by 11:00
Watching Roger Federe break into tears at winning the French Open and the way he kissed the trophy highlights the growing problem of female hormones in Pro Sports. Drug officials are perplexed and can’t conceive of a possible reason.
What is the difference between a wide receiver and a woman trying to get pregnant? Sorry that was meant to be rhetorical.
Thomas Beatie the pregnant man is giving birth to a second baby and while talking to reporters gave a shout out to Manny Ramirez and told him to keep trying.
The Canadian Mint is investigating the disappearance of thousands of ounces of gold and gold dust from the vaults. In a related story a prospector from Arizona says he has discovered gold under the parking lot of the Phoenix Coyotes arena and plans to make an offer for the team. When asked to comment Gary Bettman laughed and stroked his cat.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Driving mit Donte
CBC had picture trouble for the 3rd game of the Pittsburgh Detroit playoff game with officials saying the Governments purchase of GM resulted in some budget reductions so CBC was forced to download the feed with slow speed connections.
The French Open women’s finalists all have names that end in A after the entry from Canada was eliminated eh?
Top 5 birthday gift suggestions for Gary Bettman
# 5 An i-Phone to replace his Blackberry
# 4 A new pair of rose coloured glasses
# 3 Another cost cutting lockout
# 2 An autographed portrait of Napoleon
# 1 The new book “I’m OK you’re probably going bankrupt”
A high performance hockey program for women headquartered in Calgary has been cancelled with officials citing budget concerns, scheduling conflicts and surprise women had spare time away from the kitchen to play hockey.
Yahoo is suing the NFL claiming they have the rights to use the players statistics for their on line pool. A spokesman for the NFL was incensed saying betting is illegal and even worse they are not paying the big.
Canada has moved up to 83 in world rankings for soccer thus guaranteeing them a place in the Canadian Soccer Hall of Fame.
Motown would have loved watching the last Detroit Pittsburgh game and would probably have a hit with a song titled “Too many men”.
Health groups across Canada are worried about the wait times to access an MRI with life threatening illness taking weeks to diagnose, serious conditions put on a hold for months and potentially sprained ankles for professional athletes taking over 2 hours.
The NY Yankees set a record for the longest error free streak in baseball because as groupies everywhere know this team has great hands.
Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth was in court to enter a plea in his manslaughter trial and in a surprise move offered to dedicate his season to the man he ran over in return for a discharge. The family denied the request saying the chances of Donto having a bang-up year were hit and miss at best.
If convicted Donte could spend 15 years in prison and have way more guys in his huddle.
The French Open women’s finalists all have names that end in A after the entry from Canada was eliminated eh?
Top 5 birthday gift suggestions for Gary Bettman
# 5 An i-Phone to replace his Blackberry
# 4 A new pair of rose coloured glasses
# 3 Another cost cutting lockout
# 2 An autographed portrait of Napoleon
# 1 The new book “I’m OK you’re probably going bankrupt”
A high performance hockey program for women headquartered in Calgary has been cancelled with officials citing budget concerns, scheduling conflicts and surprise women had spare time away from the kitchen to play hockey.
Yahoo is suing the NFL claiming they have the rights to use the players statistics for their on line pool. A spokesman for the NFL was incensed saying betting is illegal and even worse they are not paying the big.
Canada has moved up to 83 in world rankings for soccer thus guaranteeing them a place in the Canadian Soccer Hall of Fame.
Motown would have loved watching the last Detroit Pittsburgh game and would probably have a hit with a song titled “Too many men”.
Health groups across Canada are worried about the wait times to access an MRI with life threatening illness taking weeks to diagnose, serious conditions put on a hold for months and potentially sprained ankles for professional athletes taking over 2 hours.
The NY Yankees set a record for the longest error free streak in baseball because as groupies everywhere know this team has great hands.
Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth was in court to enter a plea in his manslaughter trial and in a surprise move offered to dedicate his season to the man he ran over in return for a discharge. The family denied the request saying the chances of Donto having a bang-up year were hit and miss at best.
If convicted Donte could spend 15 years in prison and have way more guys in his huddle.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Taxing Race
After seeing how fans cheered when alleged tax evader Helio Castroneves won the Indy 500 President Obama announced plans for future cabinet picks to run in a similar race the Income Avoidance 500.
The RCMP hired a video expert to break down the video of a man being tazered to death to show he was in fact at some point threatening. This is the same evidence given by management of the Chicago Blackhawks to show Detroit defenseman Nicolas Cromwell meant to hurt Martin Havlat.
Havlat says he doesn’t know Kromwell personally but his face rings his bell.
I felt like a really old man when I was watching the NHL playoffs and kept telling the kids in my day coaches didn’t complain every time someone on their team was hit.
Hearing all the stories about the prowess of NBA players in picking up the women in Clubs who would have thought the Denver Nuggets would lose 2 games because they couldn’t make a last second pass?
Isn’t Jim Balsillie officially submitting for an NHL franchise with the league like Hannibal Lector formally applying for a Diners Club Card?
Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quinville says a roughing minor during a scrum was “The worst call in the history of Sport”. The NHL fined Joel and in a press release called his histrionics the worst case of referee baiting in the history of civilization.
After winning the Memorial Cup the Windsor Spitfire were asked to reduce their celebrations by 40% if they expect to be competitive with other Jr. Hockey franchises.
Pat Quinn was named coach of the Edmonton Oilers thus increasing the average age of the team by 6 years. Pat’s last job was with the World Jr. team and takes over a club that is younger.
Quinn says he got along great while coaching the juniors and the kids especially loved his stories about how he used to walk to practice in the winter, barefoot, against the wind, uphill, both ways.
Officials from Whistler say there are still plenty of rooms available for the Olympics and prices have stabilized with rates ranging from your first born, right arm and left testicle.
Jose Canseco was beaten in just over a minute in his UFC fight and says he wanted to go further but because of the steroids he didn’t have the balls.
Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter says he doesn’t use Twitter calling it too wordy.
Top 5 signs your NHL coach is old
# 5 Still uses a wooden stick, for discipline
# 4 Calls Larry King a young puppy
# 3 Played defence with Chris Chelios
# 2 When he scrolls down his roster uses an actual scroll
# 1 Spend time with the video coach to watch the moving pictures
A Toronto family is trying to authenticate a stick believed to have been signed by the 1924 Olympic hockey team. The stick was given to their grandmother a reminder of a time when players gave groupies a different shaft.
Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin has filed papers to fire his agent saying his current contract negotiations reflect a sanity and value not congruent with his beliefs.
Calgary Police have added 50 new officers to perform foot patrols saying they had nothing to do on the Red Mile so they thought they might look for criminals.
Manny Ramirez went 10 days before meeting with teammates to apologize over his recent positive drug test. A spokesman for the team was unconcerned by the delay putting it down to female problems.
Top 5 signs your star player is taking female fertility drugs
# 5 Refuses to go out with teammates saying he is nesting
# 4 Signs an endorsement deal with a sports bra manufacturer
# 3 Hires Martha Stewart to redecorate his locker
# 2 Complains about water retention
# 1 Constantly asking teammates if the uniform makes his ass look big
Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby grabbed the conference final trophy breaking from tradition that says the only trophy you grab is your wife.
A Phoenix judge handling the NHL case says he will address the 10,000 pound gorilla in the room and then asked Keith Tzchuck for his opinion.
The first grants have been handed out by a group of professional sports to research anti doping practices. The grants will determine the overall affect on attendance when athletes are unable to bench press 900 pounds.
The Toronto Blue Jays lost 9 games in a row and with 4 more defeats hope to qualify for federal bailout money.
The only people to strike out more than the Blue Jays on their road trip were the Star Trek fan club of Regina on their way to Comic Con.
The RCMP hired a video expert to break down the video of a man being tazered to death to show he was in fact at some point threatening. This is the same evidence given by management of the Chicago Blackhawks to show Detroit defenseman Nicolas Cromwell meant to hurt Martin Havlat.
Havlat says he doesn’t know Kromwell personally but his face rings his bell.
I felt like a really old man when I was watching the NHL playoffs and kept telling the kids in my day coaches didn’t complain every time someone on their team was hit.
Hearing all the stories about the prowess of NBA players in picking up the women in Clubs who would have thought the Denver Nuggets would lose 2 games because they couldn’t make a last second pass?
Isn’t Jim Balsillie officially submitting for an NHL franchise with the league like Hannibal Lector formally applying for a Diners Club Card?
Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quinville says a roughing minor during a scrum was “The worst call in the history of Sport”. The NHL fined Joel and in a press release called his histrionics the worst case of referee baiting in the history of civilization.
After winning the Memorial Cup the Windsor Spitfire were asked to reduce their celebrations by 40% if they expect to be competitive with other Jr. Hockey franchises.
Pat Quinn was named coach of the Edmonton Oilers thus increasing the average age of the team by 6 years. Pat’s last job was with the World Jr. team and takes over a club that is younger.
Quinn says he got along great while coaching the juniors and the kids especially loved his stories about how he used to walk to practice in the winter, barefoot, against the wind, uphill, both ways.
Officials from Whistler say there are still plenty of rooms available for the Olympics and prices have stabilized with rates ranging from your first born, right arm and left testicle.
Jose Canseco was beaten in just over a minute in his UFC fight and says he wanted to go further but because of the steroids he didn’t have the balls.
Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter says he doesn’t use Twitter calling it too wordy.
Top 5 signs your NHL coach is old
# 5 Still uses a wooden stick, for discipline
# 4 Calls Larry King a young puppy
# 3 Played defence with Chris Chelios
# 2 When he scrolls down his roster uses an actual scroll
# 1 Spend time with the video coach to watch the moving pictures
A Toronto family is trying to authenticate a stick believed to have been signed by the 1924 Olympic hockey team. The stick was given to their grandmother a reminder of a time when players gave groupies a different shaft.
Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin has filed papers to fire his agent saying his current contract negotiations reflect a sanity and value not congruent with his beliefs.
Calgary Police have added 50 new officers to perform foot patrols saying they had nothing to do on the Red Mile so they thought they might look for criminals.
Manny Ramirez went 10 days before meeting with teammates to apologize over his recent positive drug test. A spokesman for the team was unconcerned by the delay putting it down to female problems.
Top 5 signs your star player is taking female fertility drugs
# 5 Refuses to go out with teammates saying he is nesting
# 4 Signs an endorsement deal with a sports bra manufacturer
# 3 Hires Martha Stewart to redecorate his locker
# 2 Complains about water retention
# 1 Constantly asking teammates if the uniform makes his ass look big
Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby grabbed the conference final trophy breaking from tradition that says the only trophy you grab is your wife.
A Phoenix judge handling the NHL case says he will address the 10,000 pound gorilla in the room and then asked Keith Tzchuck for his opinion.
The first grants have been handed out by a group of professional sports to research anti doping practices. The grants will determine the overall affect on attendance when athletes are unable to bench press 900 pounds.
The Toronto Blue Jays lost 9 games in a row and with 4 more defeats hope to qualify for federal bailout money.
The only people to strike out more than the Blue Jays on their road trip were the Star Trek fan club of Regina on their way to Comic Con.
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