Killer City

An ancient tribe has been discovered in the Brazilian rain forest whose inhabitants are so backwards their hockey teams still use the trap.

A 9 year old Gorilla has impregnated the mate of a much older male a feat more remarkable because he doesn’t play basketball.

Hillary Clinton saying she should be the Democratic nominee because she has more votes but less delegates is like the Toronto Maple Leafs saying they should have made the playoffs because they had more fans but less wins.

Police say a fire in the film library of Universal Studio’s could have been put out sooner if New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick would have stopped throwing tapes on it.

Universal Studios say they managed to save most of the video tapes from the fire but unfortunately lost all Super Bowl warm-ups for the last 5 years.

Travis Henry was distraught after being let go from the Denver Broncos pleading to not let him spend more time with his families.

Had to be a tough week for CFL player Duncan O’Malley when he was punted from Calgary, and then given the quick kick out of Edmonton.

New York was excited to see the return of Sex in the City but Chicago was not so enamoured with the reappearance of Rex in the City.

Tiger Woods says no one watches hockey a comment that was vehemently denied by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman once he finished playing the back nine.

Formula 1 President Max Mosley was supported by the general assembly and will retain his position. All further questions will not be answered as Mosley has imposed a gag order on the group.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are continuing with their search for a GM and have asked Nabisco for permission to talk to the person that developed the new Shreddies Diamond commercial.

With a record number of murders in Calgary it seems the only ones lacking a killer instinct are the sporting teams.

Top 3 Signs the CFL has begun training camp...

#3 The number of US visitors to Canada doubles

# 2 Hamilton has lost its first 2 inter-squad games

# 1 Toronto has sold all of the tickets for the upcoming NFL games

Don Cherry says he has no grudge against Sidney Crosby and won’t talk about his relations with players because he doesn’t kiss and tell.

The rash of former Olympic winners being asked to return their medals has forced organisers to add a GPS device to the award in order to make retrieval easier.

The International Olympic Committee has provisionally suspended the Iraqi team although according to team officials they still have a shot at it.

The IOC has announced the finalists for the 2016 Olympic Games and will announce the winner once the cheques clear.

Affair and Reasonable Mistake

The MLB Players have agreed to a new drug testing deal which would not penalize any past conduct and has been hailed by dictators everywhere as fair and compassionate.

Hillary Clinton was so upset Dancia Patrick was knocked out of the Indianapolis 500 calling it just another example of a vast left turn conspiracy.

Canadians have a stake in the Phoenix Lanner on Mars with equipment to determine the weather, the potential of drinkable water and possibly a GM for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

WTA player Ashley Harkleroad has agreed to pose in Playboy after having a cyst removed from her ovaries. In a related story Boston Bruins forward Phil Kessel turned down the opportunity to pose for Playgirl after he had a testicle removed.

Frenchman Michel Fournier is attempting to free fall from the stratosphere breaking the record set by the 2007 NY Mets.

Haile Gebrselassie ran the fastest 10,000 meters in four years narrowly beating out 2 rioters from a Montreal Canadians playoff win.

Robbie Knievel successfully jumped over 24 delivery trucks which thanks to the recession were empty and available.

The death of former Chicago Cubs pitcher Geremi Gonzalez shows the odds of the Cubs winning the World Series is still greater than being struck by lightning.

Packman Jones paid off a $20,000 gambling debt to a Los Vegas Casino or as Charles Barkley called it chump change.

The irony is Jones made the bet on Barkley not paying his debt.

If you ask the managers of the Mets and Yankees New York really is the City that never sleeps.

I can hardly wait for the start of Sex in the City or as it is sometimes referred to the NBA Finals.

Toronto Argonaut quarterback Damon Allen is retiring saying he wants to quit while he is still young enough to join the Detroit Red Wings on the blue line.

The Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League traded a pitcher to the Laredo Broncos for 10 Prairie Stick Maple bats a deal which cleared deadwood from both teams.

Roger Clemens is adding a claim of emotional distress against his former trainer Brian McNamee saying he has suffered wild mood swings, abnormal weight gain and steroid like symptoms.

Cincinnati Red outfielder Jay Bruce had 3 hits in his first game tying a record for Cincinnati draft picks not using a gun.

Former tennis great Yannick Noah is defending his son Chicago Bulls player Joakim over charges of marijuana possession saying it was all a mistake as he thought he had been traded to the Dallas Mavericks.

After seeing the pitch conditions for the Champions Cup I’m taking Russia for the 2008 Euro as they seem to know how to level the playing field.

Jennifer Jones will be curling against the men in the Casino Rama Skins Game although since it is her first time she doesn’t get to be shirts.

After Foreign Affairs Minister Maxine Bernier was sacked because he left sensitive documents at an ex-girlfriend’s apartment Indiana Pacers forward Malik Sealy was quick to say it could happen to anyone.

Listening to the whole story you would think Maxine was overqualified to handle affairs.

Farm incomes across Canada grew last year especially in canola for Alberta, barley hops for BC and watermelons for Saskatchewan.

After Pittsburgh Penguins Gary Roberts sucker punched an injured Johann Franzen you have to wonder who is suffering post concussion symptoms.

Poligans

Barack Obama held a huge rally in Oregon that was like The Champions Cup Final with 75,000 fans singing their fight songs with no real goals to speak of.

What a week for epic finals with Manchester vs Chelsea for the Champions cup, Penguins vs Red Wings for the Stanley Cup and David vs David for the Karaokee Cup.

Losing the Champions Cup must have been a slap in the face for Chelsea’s Didier Drogba.

With the youthful Pittsburgh Penguins in the final the NHL has decided to capitalize on it by putting the final on Tele-Tunes.

CNN followed a burning expensive house in California for more time than they have with Asian survivors of natural disasters pleading for tents or as the Toronto Sports Network calls it fair and balanced journalism.

William Shatner is reporting in his autobiography that Don Cherry was in a play with him at Stratford and even then he was trying to get the Roman Soldiers to stop wearing visors.

The City of Calgary is accepting applications to recycle the trash with private companies including it is rumoured a bid from Miami Dolphins coach Tony Soparano.

A Big Carbon Footprint

Dwayne Wade has bought his mom a Church so now technically the Miami Heat have a prayer next year.

Amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius was cleared to run against able bodied athletes and says he will try to get into the Olympics with every carbon fibre of his being.

In attempt to keep Pistorius from running Olympic officials are now claiming his entry would not be environmentally friendly because he leaves a huge carbon footprint

After playing the new Nintendo Wii Fit Games I have to give my fitness level two really, really big thumbs up.

It seems some latex gloves used in medical, dental and sports procedures have bugs imbedded in them. Bummer!

The US and the NY Yankees seem to be modeled on each other. They both have cartoonish father/son dynasties, spend enormous money on offensive weapons and declare mission accomplished despite all evidence to the contrary.

In order to help with the lottery draft the officials with the Chicago Bulls wore lucky thongs to help the balls drop in their favour.

Headline on the retirement of Mike Piazza “Piazza to Go”

Statistics Canada says US tourism has fallen in the last few years especially ones named Stanley.

Triple Crown contender Big Brown has a “mysterious” white spot just above his rib cage that some say marks him for greatness. This mark has been seen on the ribs of NHL player Keith Tkachuk but was found to be from eating too many White Spot hamburgers.

It seems one of the girls in the bondage sex scandal with F! Chief Max Mosley was married to a British MI5 Agent which might explain him saying on the tape “My name is Bound... James Bound”.

A group of women ski jumpers are suing to be included in the Olympic Games a move that they admit takes a leap of faith.

After seeing all the bribery and sexual corruption allegation against Olympic Officials it appears this will be the first group of women that won’t be allowed to jump them.

The Tampa Bay Rays introduced a group of tubby male cheerleaders this year and if they keep playing the way they are will soon hire fat ladies to sing to the other teams.

Not so quiet on the Eastern Front!

Former CFL quarterback Matt Dunigan has a new show on the Food Network called Road Grill and by the looks of his physique he has a secret sauce or two.

NHL tough guy Chris Simon has agreed to play in the new Russian Hockey League and will change his name to Boris Breakitoff.

A 7 year old baseball player in Massachusetts was benched because his mom didn’t work the concession stand a rare case of a boy not getting to first base because his mom wouldn’t handle the wieners.

The Indianapolis 500 has a Bump Day which is the last chance to qualify for the event not to be confused with when Travis Henry’s newest girlfriend begins to show.

A new CD commemorating 40 years of futility for the Toronto Maple Leafs has been released with a working title, “The Chronicles of Nada”.

The Alberta Government has decided to shut down the Regional Health Authorities and centralize the urgent care services in the Edmonton Oilers dressing room.

Tiger Woods was named one of the fittest men in the world and then was quickly put on injured reserved.

Barack Obama was voted one of the world’s fittest men and yet he still can’t finish the victory lap.

Top 3 signs you might not make the list of fittest men

# 3 You got winded reading the names of the winners

# 2 You decide to watch Oprah because the remote is too far away

# 1 The most used piece of exercise equipment you own is a defibrillator

Federal Defence Minister Peter MacKay is playing for the Nova Scotia Keltics a club rugby team and says the scrums at Parliament Hill are tougher because they always hit below the belt.

A photographer was speared by a javelin at a track and field meet the first time a person from the paparazzi has got the point.

The WWE has suspended wrestler Darren Matthews for drug violations although they refused to say what drug the 6’ 450 lb. Matthews was taking.

The parents of a boy who was struck in the head by a ball hit from a metal bat is suing the manufacturer saying there is ample evidence aluminum can lead to memory loss.

Parti On!

NY Yankee Jason Giambi says he wears a gold thong to break slumps or as Marv Albert calls it evening wear.

Giambi didn’t want to have the information made public saying it was a secret between him and Victoria.

A Japanese man has invented a solar powered bra and when Roger Clemens saw it his eyes just lit up.

Cleveland Browns offensive lineman Ryan Tucker broke his hip during practice or as Chris Chelios called it his greatest nightmare.

I didn’t know Steven Spielberg was a hockey fan but the original title to the new Indiana Jones movie was Indiana Jones and the Lost Ratings.

Elvis Stojko, who failed to win an Olympic gold medal, can still climb up on his podium to tell other athletes not to go to the Games.

Not sure what possessed Canadian Autumn Kelly to marry into the Royal family until I saw a picture of her after she had got hit in the head with a puck.

Prince Charles was very interested in Autumn talking about her adventures as a hockey player saying “I’m all ears”.

The Sikh religion celebrated their 309^th year and coincidentally the end of the 1^st Cricket game ever played.

Disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy could face up to 20 years in prison for betting on games he officiated and will probably need more than a whistle to stop the impending hard fouls.

The Huston Astros refused to get into a war of words with Baseball Canada saying they didn’t want to engage in any Clapp Trap.

The Government of Myanmar has told the Canadian Government they don’t need help with their national disaster reminding them they have never said a word about the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Stephen Harper might not be forthcoming during Question Period but he did pretty well answering questions about the Russia Canada first period.

Harper said he was dismayed by all the elbowing, bickering and cheap shots but was happy to be away from Ottawa to see the game.

TSN wanted to have Don Cherry for the Canada Russia game but were stymied by Quebec language laws that state a public figure must know at least one of the official languages.

I thought all the whistling during the Canada Russia game was to show disapproval by European fans but it turned out to be Canadian men showing approval for the beautiful Quebec women.

The new Russian Hockey League says they will have a salary cap to avoid their dreams turning to ruble.

The Parti Québécois is claiming they have massive support for separation citing chants of “Go Canada Go” during the World Hockey Championships in Quebec City.

A documentary on Mike Tyson at the Cannes Film Festival was very well received with many heavy hitters in attendance.

It must have been a tossup after the Canada Russia game between playing Queens “We are the champions” or “Bohemian Rhapsody.

My favourite Russian right winger is a tie between Vladimir Putin and Alexander Ovechkin.

She Drives Men Crazy!

Watching Dancia Patrick at the Indy 500 qualifier I can see why her pit crew is head over heels for her.

Patrick is to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated while her pit crew is just taking cover.

After reviewing the video the NFL has determined the New England Patriots need to stop reviewing the video.

A memorabilia dealer says OJ Simpson told him he killed his wife and more disturbing he signed his name on the bodies.

85 members of the Baltimore Ravens were involved in a training camp brawl with the winners being sent to New York.

The persons responsible for the brawl were quickly punished as fortunately the New England Patriots had a video of it.

Headline after Southern California basketball player OJ Mayo was reported to have accepted cash while playing High School ball “Extra Lettuce for Mayo”.

OJ says his name gives him the right to get some juice.

Don Cherry says Detroit rednecks don’t like the style of hockey the team plays and they just wish they could have a team like Toronto.

Hillary Clinton says she should be the Democratic Nominee because her support base is the low educated, middle aged white male which explains her WWF name Low Blow.


Alberta’s most profitable oil company Encana has split into 2 parts one in charge of buying tickets for the Oilers and one to subsidize the Flames.

I had a great quip about the Detroit-Dallas playoff but the joke was ruled not funny because my foot was in the crease.

US Senator Arlen Specter wants a Government inquiry into the allegations of videotaping by the New England Patriots because he knows of no other issue as important to the voters this election.

37 year old American sprinter Michelle Collins has been cleared to run again after a 3 year ban for using performance enhancing drugs. The 5’2” 350 lb Collins says she used her time off wisely.

In honour of Mothers Day and Lebron James mom...

Top 3 Signs your NBA Mom is too close to the action
# 3 Keeps sticking the opposing teams 3 point shooter with knitting needles
# 2 Tries to pull up your shorts when you run by
# 1 Always trying to set you up with one of the nice cheerleaders

In a concession to the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Fund the Toronto Maple Leafs will not hire a new GM but rather a Principle, Vice-Principle and Hall Monitor.

MLB is expected to ratify a new drug policy replacing the previous one that was apparently created by people on drugs.

Prosecutors have increased the number of charges against Barry Bonds in an attempt to knock at least one of them out of the park.