Naked Dumb!

With all the streakers at McMahon Field in Calgary you have to wonder after seeing Henry Burris get injured why all the desire to do a naked bootleg?

Jose Offerman was arraigned on Monday for his attack on a pitcher and catcher during a game. Jose has pleaded not guilty to assault on the battery.

San Diego Padres Milton Bradley tore ligaments in his knee while arguing with an umpire. Doctors hope to have Milton up and throwing light fits in about a month and should be able to work his way up to hissy fits by the start of spring training. The Padres are considering hiring Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox to show Milton how to hrow fits using the whole body to avoid future injuries.

NHL players are saying the new water resistant jerseys do not allow the players sweat to cool and so they are changing their gloves, underwear and skates more often. A spokesperson for Reebok makers of the new jerseys say they will soon unveil an new line of moisture wicking underwear and gloves to soak up the extra sweat. Players are having a tough time getting used to the new tight fitting jerseys but the biggest complaint is that the new pants make their asses look fat.

The Chicago Cubs are closing in on a pennant and in preparation for a possible World Series run Hell is stocking up on ice making equipment.

Queer Eye for the Straight Arm

Mike Myers is going to make a movie about the Toronto Maple Leafs 40 years of playoff futility with a tentative title “Knocked Out”. Jessica Alba will play the only owner who looks better in a sweater than her players. The movie comes with a tag line… Save the Maple Leafs save the Center of the Universe.

With the death of Marcel Marceau the only mime left in the world of entertainment is New England coach Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick said he knew Marceau was ailing as he could read all the signs.

Were the Philadelphia Eagles uniforms were created for a new TV show “Queer Eye for the Straight Arm”?

Philadelphia Phillies Ryan Howard has set a major League record for strike outs passing the previous one set by Isiah Thomas while auditioning front office staff for the NY Knicks.

The release of the Halo video game is expected to surpass the record for first person shooter games currently held by the NBA All Star 2006.

The United Kingdom is bracing for another invasion of foot and mouth disease now that GM Brian Burke of the Anaheim Ducks is in London for an exhibition game. Trying to pick out the toothless NHL stars from the audience must be an autograph seekers worst nightmare.

With Zombie movies doing so well at the box office how long will it be until there is script featuring the Atlanta Falcons?

English football team Chelsea is trying to get their new manager approved for the upcoming season despite not having a license not unlike the Toronto Maple Leafs Mark Bell.

Here is the difference between the NFL and Professional Soccer. In professional soccer you need a license to play in the NFL you have a license to kill.

Nike is getting out of the hockey business saying the profit margins like the new sweaters are just too tight. Nike regrets any inconvenience this may cause the 17 Americans who have purchased hockey equipment last year.

The coach of Our Savior Lutheran High School was fired for having a football team that was too good and they will now play intramural sports instead. A Spokesperson for the school said they got the idea from the San Diego Chargers.

A Watched Pot

Seeing the Philadelphia Eagles play in their 1933 jerseys is reason enough not to get high definition TV. The jerseys were so ugly the people from Fashion 911 declared Philadelphia to be on orange alert. If the Eagles wear those jerseys again the terrorists have won.

Time will tell if the Stampeders Achilles heel is Akili's arm.

There seems to be a new trend in football this year where the quarterback stretches out to get the ball further ahead and then later stretches out on the stretcher to recover. It balances out I guess you get more yards per carry and more carry off the fields per yard.

I know it’s only the pre season but watching the Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan as they lose the first 4 contests reminds me of an unattended pressure cooker.

Just another sign that God is a Roughies fan. He showed us the Promised Land in the first half of the season and is now going to make us wander the desert. Seeing BC Lions Sherko Haji-Rasouli get away with tearing the helmet from the Rouyghriders Scott Schultz reminds me how OJ got off.

I was shocked to see gay porn on my TV the other day but it turned out to be a UFC fight. I know these guys are tough but if I want to see two men locking their legs around each other for 5 minutes I will rent Brokeback Mountain.

Sign of the Times

Seeing the number of fights in the pre-season the NHL is now considering having cut men in the corners. Love to see the new Broad Street Bullies in Philadelphia just want to know if they can find someone to score a goal.

Women’s World Cup Soccer matches were re-scheduled on Wednesday due to both a typhoon and blizzard. The typhoon was weather related and the blizzard was from letters of protest about the cancellations.

NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is being sued for $10 million by a female employee who claims sexual harassment. In court hearing Thomas said it is sometimes acceptable for a black male to call a black female a bitch unless it is Michael Vick. Thomas said the woman was just playing the sexual harassment card because she refused to play strip poker with him.

Donovan McNabb says black quarterbacks have to do a little extra because they didn’t want us to play that position. Asked to comment former Philadelphia quarterback Jeff Garcia said winning isn’t everything.

McNabb’s comments are causing controversy and he is now in as big a soup as his mom.

The record setting ball hit by Barry Bonds has been bought by a fashion designer who will have people vote to either give it to the Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk or shoot it into space. Other ideas considered were making it into an adjustable hat or a line of baby clothing.

The best new fantasy pool for the NHL has to be guessing what game Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan will lose it.

The NHL is looking to revise the schedule to see each team play a home an away game against each other and the balance to be determined by a Powerball lottery.

Terrel Owens was fined $7500 for pretending to be a filmmaker as part of his touchdown celebration saying the filming rights belonged to NFL films.

Religious groups have begun video tapping confessions and playing them at churches. Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots says he is deeply religious and if he was to see a sign would quickly tape it.

Harvard University will play its first night game in 104 years and hope their football team can finally see the light of day. The lights were installed as part of the new modernization push with the slogan “Harvard comes out of the dark ages”.

In an effort to beat the rush the media and fans in New York are already blaming Alex Rodriguez for the upcoming World Series loss. Alex is batting just over .100 in his last 10 games or nearly in post season form.

The San Francisco Giants say they will not re-sign Barry Bonds next year saying they don’t have enough room under the cap for a head his size. Barry says he will play at least another year because the Barry thinks he can still play and is head and shoulders above most players and neck and neck with the rest.

Barry is still concerned the guy who bought his record setting baseball and have fans vote on what to do with it, will tarnish the image of the game.

With the strength of the Canadian dollar it won’t be long before major league contracts will be based on Looney decisions that have nothing to do with the regular lunacy.

Wayne Gretzky has given odds of 2:1 that Rick Tocchet will be back behind the Phoenix Coyotes bench. His wife Paula quickly covered the bet.

Calgary Stampeders were in Hamilton trying to clear the air as to who is the best team in the CFL instead they came out in a fog. The Stamps lost the game, lost their starting quarterback and the offensive line coach Kris Sweet had a heart attack. Sources say Sweets condition became worse when someone told him to breathe deeply.

Jesse Lumsden suffered an apparent concussion during the game and later said when he re-entered the game didn’t so much run for daylight as run towards the white light.

The Mattel toy company is looking to re-call some of their NFL products including the Michael Vick, Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones figurines. The toys are safe but executives with the company keep chocking when they see how much they lost on them.

Toronto Maple Leafs Kyle Wellwood will need more surgery and hopes to be available for some meaningless games towards seasons end. Forward Mark Bell is feeling good about his time with the Maple Leafs and despite his suspension is just trying to drink it all in.

These Eyes Adore Me

OJ Simpson said he had to go get his memorabilia back because he wasn’t going to let the guy get away with making a killing.

OJ Simpson is a suspect in a confrontation at a Vegas casino where he said he was trying to get memorabilia allegedly stolen from him. Simpson says he is appalled officials would let a person get away with a crime and will not rest until the real thieves are caught. OJ says he’s tired of being targeted and now the gloves are off.

MLB is trying to come up with a test for HGH that doesn’t violate the collective bargaining agreement. Sources say they are considering something radical like increases in hat size.

LeBron James had Lasik eye surgery to correct a problem that first surfaced when he watched himself singing and dancing in the ESPY”s and thought he looked good.

Bar Nuts

A man wearing a Texas Longhorns Tee shirt was nearly castrated after attending a bar in Okalahoma home of the Sooners. Patrons at the bar said he was nuts to wear the shirt but were pretty sure he wouldn’t have the balls to do it again.

Scientists have discovered early humans had no Achilles tendon which made them less mobile than the average Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman.

NY Knicks Stephon Marbury said he laughed out loud when told of a sexual harassment suit against coach Isiah Thomas. He said it can’t be harassment when you make as much money as he does.

The NHL has suspended Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mark Bell for 15 games, 1 game for each drink he had before climbing into his car to drive home.

Tiger Woods says he will miss the PGA Grand Slam in order to spend time with his daughter. Asked to comment members of the PGA hoped Tiger would have many more children in the future.

Russia is having a baby crisis and is paying couples to stay at home to get pregnant. If that doesn’t work officials hope to have Travis Henry come in and do a seminar.

Sign, Sign Everybody Sign

Rick Ankiel has insisted he did not receive a shipment of Human Growth Hormone the product was mislabeled it was actually Hair Growth Hormone.

With so many doubts as to who is taking drugs here are the top 6 signs your favorite player is not taking performance enhancing drugs:

#6 Gives you an autograph instead of ripping up the card and screaming in your face

#5 Coach describes him as unwilling to sacrifice for the team

# 4 Has to stand next to the kicker to seem pumped

#3 Signs for packages in a clear signature

#2 Teammates refer to him as the designated pee-er

#1 Sits on the bench a lot


Asafa Powell set a world 100 meter record of 9.74 seconds but it was still not as fast as Tom Brady left his girlfriend when he heard he was going to be a father or Tiki Barber burned his bridges with the NY Giants.


After seeing the less than spectacular statistics of NFL quarterbacks Rex Grossman and JP Losman teams might want to take pass on the next group of quarterbacks including Terry Threenout and Nelson Nogain.


The Pope says selfish people are causing the current baby bust and people should follow the example set by NBA players.


Seeing so many NFL players being carried off the field the most important 12th man is now the medic.

After watching the NFL game between Buffalo and Denver coaches may think again when they ask the special team players to get downfield at breakneck speed.

After having a wrist injury, tonsils removed and now a knee injury Greg Oden is not so much a homeboy as a HMOboy.

JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders agreed on a contract that included incentives for wins, touchdowns and ambulatory trips.

I’m not saying the NFL has problems with steroids but the trainers are now over 300 lbs.

I remember the good old days when players were day to day with injuries not as a prognosis for living.

Baseball is mired in the Signature Steroid scandal which revolves around players signing for HGH shipments. In an effort to educate the players on the consequences MLB has hired doctors to train the players how to make their signatures illegible.

Arizona quarterback Matt Leinhart was good on 12 of 14 pass attempts this weekend; unfortunately it was on a Saturday at a Nightclub.

Former NFL player and Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas was charged with drug and weapons possession. It is the first time a Fox reporter has been accused of shooting off more than his mouth.

The New England Patriots were under suspicion for using and unauthorized person to video tape the plays called by the NY Jets on Sunday. A spokesman for the Patriots said it was all just a misunderstanding; the person was just looking for babes to meet with Tom Brady after the game.

Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams was charged with possession of marijuana, driving without a license and having an unlicensed vehicle. Officers said they became concerned when the vehicle he was in signaled to make a lane change at 3:00 AM. This is considered highly suspicious behavior.

The Fed-Ex Cup is ending this weekend with the winner getting a $10 million bonus. The cheque well be deferred as they seem to have lost it somewhere in the delivery system.