The NBA has hit a winner with their “NBA Cares” promotions showing players in a garden because if there is anything they know about it’s planting seeds
A Muslim cleric in Iran says scantily dressed women are causing earthquakes. I guess the outfits and actions of cheerleaders at the NBA playoffs are behind the eruption of the Icelandic volcano.
Paralympics curler Jim Armstrong was arrested at the Canada/US border and charged with trafficking in Viagra. Officials say they became suspicious when he didn’t have to hurry to be hard
Goldman Sacs is charged with creating an investment that they knew would fail and then promoting it to buyers as having a chance to be the best buy ever. They called the investment a “Maple Leaf” in honour of how the Toronto Maple Leafs put together their team each year and sell premium tickets knowing the product has no chance of winning
I now have to apologize to every guy who was unable to throw a ball well when I said they threw like a girl. I should have said they threw like a Danny boy.
Top 5 signs your NFL draft picks are a bust
# 5 The Oakland Raiders are laughing at your picks
# 4 Terrel Owens calls your WR pick a drama queen
# 3 Your # 1 pick threatens to go to the CFL
# 2 None of the player you selected has a rap sheet
# 1 When asked who he would compare himself to your new franchise QB named Jesus
A new nickname for Montreal Canadians goalie Jaroslav Halak after seeing more rubber than a racetrack... Shellak
The GM of the Miami Dolphins asked a college student before the draft if his mom was a prostitute during interviews. This was not a violation of policy but maybe he shouldn’t have followed up by asking how much for an around the world.
Research from a University in England has found the brain is hardwired to expect certain conditions. Taxi drivers anticipate traffic, sanitation engineers expect unpleasant odours and Leaf fans exopect to win the Stanley Cup.
The FIFA World Cup Trophy made a visit to Toronto ahead of this summer’s event. Organizers said they chose Toronto as the only Canadian stop as they have teams that scores less than most soccer games
Arizona passed a law requiring police to check immigration papers of people who are potential illegal immigrants. Police will now stop people of Hispanic heritage and Caucasians wearing hockey jerseys.
A snow storm blew into Calgary on Wednesday the biggest snow job since Darryl Sutter had his year end press conference
A report from Health Canada says Canadian kids are not getting enough exercise and are becoming obese at an earlier age. The report says this will limit children’s employment options to MLB umpire, NFL coach or sportswriter
A giant worm has been found in Idaho shocking scientists who thought it would be in an NFL or NBA city
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
i-sorry Tiki Tiger and Ben edition
In addition to not playing for the past 5 months Tiger was breaking in a new set of clubs and weaning himself off of being in clubs
The US Military is trying to repeal the `Don`t ask, don`t tell policy” so it was strange to see Daryl Sutter use it during his year end press conference
Alberta men captured both the World curling championships and the Olympic curling gold medals in addition to having hockey teams that were swept out of playoff contention
16 year old Matteo Manassero made the cut at the Masters and says to get a Green Jacket he plans to work on his short game, putting and lose his virginity
Top 5 memories of the Masters for Matteo Manassero
5 Hooking up with Tom Watsons Great Granddaughter
4 Listening to Arnold Palmer talk about the golfing with wooden clubs
3 Playing X-Box with Jack Nicholas
2 Getting wardrobe advice from Sam Snead
1 The All Bran Breakfast of Champions
It says in my crystal ball that Nashville will be the surprise in the NHL playoffs. I was leaning towards Phoenix but I can’t help but think every team would love to get a chance to beat the club owned by Gary Bettman.
The Tampa Bay Lightning have fired their coach and GM an almost annual rite that is causing scientists to revise their earlier beliefs that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice
In an effort to help GM Darryl Sutter with his hockey operations the Calgary Flames are installing breathalyzers on all phones during the lead up to trade deadlines and the draft
In what has to be an early Mothers Day present to his wife Edmonton Oilers defenseman Sheldon Souray has asked to be traded
Former NFL player Tiki Barber showed his ability to run behind blocking by announcing he will leave his 8 months pregnant wife for a 23 year old at the same time Tiger Woods was having a press conference. The success of the play will forever be copied by cheating, lying, and responsibility dodging athletes and will be known as the “Tiki Sneak”
Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger held a press conference saying he would not talk about his allegations of sexual assault. The Police dropped the case after the accuser suddenly decided against pressing charges. Unlike Tiki Barber it seems Ben used the old “Buck stops her” method
You know you are a bit slow when Terry Bradshaw says you are acting like an idiot
Apple has added a new download to their App Store called i-sorry. The i-sorry app will give instant notification of any transgressions and the appropriate apology. i-sorry version 1.0 will focus on sports and will include players from the NBA, NFL and Toronto Maple Leafs. i-sorry version 2.0 will include a special Tiger Woods edition once they figure out how to keep it from hooking up with the other apps.
The US Military is trying to repeal the `Don`t ask, don`t tell policy” so it was strange to see Daryl Sutter use it during his year end press conference
Alberta men captured both the World curling championships and the Olympic curling gold medals in addition to having hockey teams that were swept out of playoff contention
16 year old Matteo Manassero made the cut at the Masters and says to get a Green Jacket he plans to work on his short game, putting and lose his virginity
Top 5 memories of the Masters for Matteo Manassero
5 Hooking up with Tom Watsons Great Granddaughter
4 Listening to Arnold Palmer talk about the golfing with wooden clubs
3 Playing X-Box with Jack Nicholas
2 Getting wardrobe advice from Sam Snead
1 The All Bran Breakfast of Champions
It says in my crystal ball that Nashville will be the surprise in the NHL playoffs. I was leaning towards Phoenix but I can’t help but think every team would love to get a chance to beat the club owned by Gary Bettman.
The Tampa Bay Lightning have fired their coach and GM an almost annual rite that is causing scientists to revise their earlier beliefs that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice
In an effort to help GM Darryl Sutter with his hockey operations the Calgary Flames are installing breathalyzers on all phones during the lead up to trade deadlines and the draft
In what has to be an early Mothers Day present to his wife Edmonton Oilers defenseman Sheldon Souray has asked to be traded
Former NFL player Tiki Barber showed his ability to run behind blocking by announcing he will leave his 8 months pregnant wife for a 23 year old at the same time Tiger Woods was having a press conference. The success of the play will forever be copied by cheating, lying, and responsibility dodging athletes and will be known as the “Tiki Sneak”
Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger held a press conference saying he would not talk about his allegations of sexual assault. The Police dropped the case after the accuser suddenly decided against pressing charges. Unlike Tiki Barber it seems Ben used the old “Buck stops her” method
You know you are a bit slow when Terry Bradshaw says you are acting like an idiot
Apple has added a new download to their App Store called i-sorry. The i-sorry app will give instant notification of any transgressions and the appropriate apology. i-sorry version 1.0 will focus on sports and will include players from the NBA, NFL and Toronto Maple Leafs. i-sorry version 2.0 will include a special Tiger Woods edition once they figure out how to keep it from hooking up with the other apps.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The World are you Serious?
Dion Phaneuf has been named the most overrated player by his peers. The voting was restricted to players making $6.5 million for scoring 10 goals and being a minus player
The NCAA is trying to figure out what killed the TV ratings for the final game and it turns out like any good murder mystery the Butler did it.
Tiger Woods started his press conference saying the gallery for a practice round blew him away and no one asked if that was figurative or literal
Tiger said he did everything according to the letter of the law especially the XXX letters
Tiger says he has never took any illegal drugs not HGH, steroids, roofies, ganja, scag, chronic, diddlies and especially not disco biscuits.
Tiger says he will always have a sore knee especially when a warm front blows in or a cold front talks to him about divorce
Tiger used a technique to put the media at ease by mentioning them by their nickname which had an equal success when used on the Sopranos by Pauly Walnuts
Tiger says he is getting the itch to play which was a relief because he had been getting the itch after playing
Washington Wizards forward Gilbert Arenas will have to spend 2 days in jail as part of his 30 day sentence for gun possession. The 2 days are sort of a law enforcement version of the NBA shoot around warm-up
Loved hearing Jason Spezza break into the giggles which reminded us it is a game for men played by boys
QB Donovan McNabb has been traded from Philadelphia to Washington but won’t be forgotten by the team. Eagles chairman Jeffrey Lurie hopes Donovan will come back to be honoured as a Hall of Fame QB and does so while still being able to walk
Watching the Raptors makes you wonder if they are a sleeper playoff team or just a sleeper.
India has enacted sweeping reforms to their education system making it illegal to skip school for those under 12. This will be a blow to their families, the economy and more important to the release of the new Nike Air Rashid shoe
Lamb was in short supply this Easter weekend although a few sacrificial ones were being offered up by the Calgary Flames and Toronto Raptors
After nearly bouncing one to one catcher in the All Star game and tossing it over the head of another on opening day we can assume Little League wasn’t a pre-existing condition for President Obama
Top 5 signs your team may not be in the World Series
# 5 Leadoff batter’s nickname is Pokey
# 4 The team as a whole had 4 no hitters in pre season
# 3 They rely on Milton Bradley for team leadership
# 2 Manager is the new spokesman for an anti-depressant
# 1 The only staff gains are the infections from the shower
The NCAA is trying to figure out what killed the TV ratings for the final game and it turns out like any good murder mystery the Butler did it.
Tiger Woods started his press conference saying the gallery for a practice round blew him away and no one asked if that was figurative or literal
Tiger said he did everything according to the letter of the law especially the XXX letters
Tiger says he has never took any illegal drugs not HGH, steroids, roofies, ganja, scag, chronic, diddlies and especially not disco biscuits.
Tiger says he will always have a sore knee especially when a warm front blows in or a cold front talks to him about divorce
Tiger used a technique to put the media at ease by mentioning them by their nickname which had an equal success when used on the Sopranos by Pauly Walnuts
Tiger says he is getting the itch to play which was a relief because he had been getting the itch after playing
Washington Wizards forward Gilbert Arenas will have to spend 2 days in jail as part of his 30 day sentence for gun possession. The 2 days are sort of a law enforcement version of the NBA shoot around warm-up
Loved hearing Jason Spezza break into the giggles which reminded us it is a game for men played by boys
QB Donovan McNabb has been traded from Philadelphia to Washington but won’t be forgotten by the team. Eagles chairman Jeffrey Lurie hopes Donovan will come back to be honoured as a Hall of Fame QB and does so while still being able to walk
Watching the Raptors makes you wonder if they are a sleeper playoff team or just a sleeper.
India has enacted sweeping reforms to their education system making it illegal to skip school for those under 12. This will be a blow to their families, the economy and more important to the release of the new Nike Air Rashid shoe
Lamb was in short supply this Easter weekend although a few sacrificial ones were being offered up by the Calgary Flames and Toronto Raptors
After nearly bouncing one to one catcher in the All Star game and tossing it over the head of another on opening day we can assume Little League wasn’t a pre-existing condition for President Obama
Top 5 signs your team may not be in the World Series
# 5 Leadoff batter’s nickname is Pokey
# 4 The team as a whole had 4 no hitters in pre season
# 3 They rely on Milton Bradley for team leadership
# 2 Manager is the new spokesman for an anti-depressant
# 1 The only staff gains are the infections from the shower
Sunday, March 28, 2010
March Mattress
Showing how different East and West are? The Quebec Government is banning burkas from public offices and after getting shelled by the Boston Bruins Flames fans are asking to be allowed to wear them
Tiger Woods is having a “press conference” timed for the same day as the final in March Madness and to capitalize on the event he is calling it March of the Mattress
Jennifer Jones is a dead ringer for Ann Coulter only she should be allowed the freedom to screech after losing at the World Curling Championships
The Calgary Vipers made another trade this week but instead of trading for bats they got rid of their MVP which took balls
George St. Pierre sounded so upset after winning the UFC fight you think he should spend more time wrestling his demons
In a rare agreement both the NHL and Marc Savard admit they never saw Matt Cook’s dirty head shot
Not sure if the gathering of old white men discussing the future of Canada’s national pastime was the NHL Board of Governors or the Liberal Party
A Florida man was accidentally credited with $88 billion in his account. The error was discovered when the NHL did a credit check for another expansion team in Ft. Lauderdale
Statistics show Calgary had a slight increase in fuel consumption during Earth Hour but it was just the result of Flames fans smouldering over their pasting
President Obama may have failed in predicting his March Madness bracket but wealthy Americans lost more when he won the Health Care battle that increased their tax brackets
I wonder if the CD the NHL sent to teams to show the players what an illegal hit is has a soundtrack by the Talking Heads?
Tiger Woods is having a “press conference” timed for the same day as the final in March Madness and to capitalize on the event he is calling it March of the Mattress
Jennifer Jones is a dead ringer for Ann Coulter only she should be allowed the freedom to screech after losing at the World Curling Championships
The Calgary Vipers made another trade this week but instead of trading for bats they got rid of their MVP which took balls
George St. Pierre sounded so upset after winning the UFC fight you think he should spend more time wrestling his demons
In a rare agreement both the NHL and Marc Savard admit they never saw Matt Cook’s dirty head shot
Not sure if the gathering of old white men discussing the future of Canada’s national pastime was the NHL Board of Governors or the Liberal Party
A Florida man was accidentally credited with $88 billion in his account. The error was discovered when the NHL did a credit check for another expansion team in Ft. Lauderdale
Statistics show Calgary had a slight increase in fuel consumption during Earth Hour but it was just the result of Flames fans smouldering over their pasting
President Obama may have failed in predicting his March Madness bracket but wealthy Americans lost more when he won the Health Care battle that increased their tax brackets
I wonder if the CD the NHL sent to teams to show the players what an illegal hit is has a soundtrack by the Talking Heads?
Monday, March 8, 2010
Braille call
Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield say they are considering another fight and Canada is trying to arrange it to coincide with their new Seniors Day
After leaving a blind skier off their last race the Canadian men’s Olympic team has been inundated with hate Braille
With the Ottawa Senators struggling to ice a team because of the flu it reminded me of an Oscar nominated film... The Hurt Locker... room
Ron Artest of the LA Lakers had defense dyed into his hair in 3 different languages... what a cunning linguist
FIFA says they will not allow technology to determine if a goal is good until they can find a way to bribe computers
If LeBron James can switch numbers to honour Michael Jordan is it possible for Colton Orr to change his name out of respect for Bobby?
After leaving a blind skier off their last race the Canadian men’s Olympic team has been inundated with hate Braille
With the Ottawa Senators struggling to ice a team because of the flu it reminded me of an Oscar nominated film... The Hurt Locker... room
Ron Artest of the LA Lakers had defense dyed into his hair in 3 different languages... what a cunning linguist
FIFA says they will not allow technology to determine if a goal is good until they can find a way to bribe computers
If LeBron James can switch numbers to honour Michael Jordan is it possible for Colton Orr to change his name out of respect for Bobby?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Russian to Blame
The Russian paper Pravda is accusing Team Canada of doping saying “Were they on drugs the day they beat Russia?” A spokesman for Team Canada was not surprised by the allegations as they have so much experience doping athletes they can’t help but be suspicious.
A report for the Saskatchewan Roughriders say a domed stadium will cost $380 million but they are waiting for someone to add up the numbers again just to be safe.
Top 5 signs Russia is unhappy with their Olympic results
# 5 Athletes get a 4 month layover in Siberia on the way to Moscow
# 4 Biathletes new training schedule involves coaches with guns
# 3 Water bottles now filled with water instead of vodka
# 2 New ski jump ramp ends at a cliff
# 1 Sport officials say they need better drugs to catch up with competition
John Terry says he wasn’t upset Wayne Bridge didn’t shake his hand as his girlfriend has shaken her booty for him earlier
NASA says they have discovered ice on the dark side of the moon. The findings will be verified by Russia when they send the national hockey team to train for the next Olympics
Devoting a full day of your network to the NHL trade deadline...tens of thousands of dollars, make-up, hair dye and teeth whitener for the experts..... thousands of dollars... coffee and donuts hundreds of dollars... watching pundits spend hours debating if a 7th defenseman is worth a 4th or 5th round pick... priceless
After the PM of Russia demanded they resign the head of the Olympic Committee complied saying he wanted to spend more time with his family once they are released
Tiger Woods was released from sex therapy and quickly denied reports he was at a swingers club saying he was swinging a club
In attempt to burnish his image again Tiger has hired Olympic performer Catherine O’hara to perform his next round of apologies
The bigger Olympic story... Sidney Crosby's stick or William Shatner’s shtick... discuss
In light of the patriotism shown during the Olympics the Government wants to change the lyrics to O Canada but first have to find a hockey line that rhymes with kicked USA’s ass...
I want to be an Olympic athlete so I’m off to McDonalds to start my training
The Government is looking at ways to reduce the cost of texting when they discovered the cost of sending the message “We won hockey Gold!!!” really was priceless
Chad Ochocinco is defending his latest video of him running through a park naked saying it’s part of his application for Dangling with the Stars
The video was just a miscommunication says Chad. When he talked to the producers of Dancing with the Stars they wanted him to bring out his quirky side saying... show us you’re nuts
A poll showed 40% of BC residents say they will never experience a high like the Olympics with the rest saying it will take until their crops dry
A report for the Saskatchewan Roughriders say a domed stadium will cost $380 million but they are waiting for someone to add up the numbers again just to be safe.
Top 5 signs Russia is unhappy with their Olympic results
# 5 Athletes get a 4 month layover in Siberia on the way to Moscow
# 4 Biathletes new training schedule involves coaches with guns
# 3 Water bottles now filled with water instead of vodka
# 2 New ski jump ramp ends at a cliff
# 1 Sport officials say they need better drugs to catch up with competition
John Terry says he wasn’t upset Wayne Bridge didn’t shake his hand as his girlfriend has shaken her booty for him earlier
NASA says they have discovered ice on the dark side of the moon. The findings will be verified by Russia when they send the national hockey team to train for the next Olympics
Devoting a full day of your network to the NHL trade deadline...tens of thousands of dollars, make-up, hair dye and teeth whitener for the experts..... thousands of dollars... coffee and donuts hundreds of dollars... watching pundits spend hours debating if a 7th defenseman is worth a 4th or 5th round pick... priceless
After the PM of Russia demanded they resign the head of the Olympic Committee complied saying he wanted to spend more time with his family once they are released
Tiger Woods was released from sex therapy and quickly denied reports he was at a swingers club saying he was swinging a club
In attempt to burnish his image again Tiger has hired Olympic performer Catherine O’hara to perform his next round of apologies
The bigger Olympic story... Sidney Crosby's stick or William Shatner’s shtick... discuss
In light of the patriotism shown during the Olympics the Government wants to change the lyrics to O Canada but first have to find a hockey line that rhymes with kicked USA’s ass...
I want to be an Olympic athlete so I’m off to McDonalds to start my training
The Government is looking at ways to reduce the cost of texting when they discovered the cost of sending the message “We won hockey Gold!!!” really was priceless
Chad Ochocinco is defending his latest video of him running through a park naked saying it’s part of his application for Dangling with the Stars
The video was just a miscommunication says Chad. When he talked to the producers of Dancing with the Stars they wanted him to bring out his quirky side saying... show us you’re nuts
A poll showed 40% of BC residents say they will never experience a high like the Olympics with the rest saying it will take until their crops dry
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Final Column
Korean skater Yuna Kim is a pop star in her country which is only fitting as their flag looks like the Pepsi logo
Competitors are calling Kevin Martin the Michael Jordan of curling except he doesn’t rock the rim he rolls it up
Having all the women figure skaters do a move that requires them to grab their leg, hold it over their head and glide around the ice surface seems inappropriate. I guess the IOC is concerned about gender identity and have incorporated the Chick Check as a way of verifying.
The Canadian women hockey players are being ripped after drinking and smoking a cigar following their gold medal win. Officials with the IOC were livid as it showed disrespect, set a bad example and used up party supplies reserved for them.
The scene is being hailed by the Taliban as an example of why women should not be allowed to play sports or be out in public and by adult film companies as the beginning of a really good movie.
The IOC is especially upset because after all the effort they went to prevent the little ladies from hurting themselves in ski jumping they go and do something that could have broke a nail.
The IOC might have to remove the women from Olympic hockey because there isn’t enough competition. Asked to explain why Nordic skiing, which has been consistently dominated by Countries such as Norway, Sweden and Finland, should not also be removed an official was indignant saying the men clearly had better genetics and when they win they share the cigars and liquor.
If women are not allowed to play then I just know Gary Bettman will refuse on the grounds of equal rights.
Top 5 signs your Winter Olympic sport may be cancelled
# 5 Uniforms have less than 50% sequins
# 4 No judges to influence the outcome
# 3 Relies on Gatorade instead of gunpowder
# 2 North Americans love it
# 1 You don’t need an interpreter to understand the rules
Blind Canadian Olympic skier Brian McKeever was denied a chance to become the 1st athlete to compete in both the Olympics and Paralympics when he was not included on the men’s 50 km relay race. Asked to comment McKeever says he never saw it coming
It took until overtime but finally Canada... it’s Miller Time!
Not sure where there was more elbowing at the Canada-US game or Jack Layton trying to get his face on TV at Gretzkys Bar in Toronto...
The PM has such massive powers so how come he couldn’t prorogue Nickleback from the closing ceremony?
Competitors are calling Kevin Martin the Michael Jordan of curling except he doesn’t rock the rim he rolls it up
Having all the women figure skaters do a move that requires them to grab their leg, hold it over their head and glide around the ice surface seems inappropriate. I guess the IOC is concerned about gender identity and have incorporated the Chick Check as a way of verifying.
The Canadian women hockey players are being ripped after drinking and smoking a cigar following their gold medal win. Officials with the IOC were livid as it showed disrespect, set a bad example and used up party supplies reserved for them.
The scene is being hailed by the Taliban as an example of why women should not be allowed to play sports or be out in public and by adult film companies as the beginning of a really good movie.
The IOC is especially upset because after all the effort they went to prevent the little ladies from hurting themselves in ski jumping they go and do something that could have broke a nail.
The IOC might have to remove the women from Olympic hockey because there isn’t enough competition. Asked to explain why Nordic skiing, which has been consistently dominated by Countries such as Norway, Sweden and Finland, should not also be removed an official was indignant saying the men clearly had better genetics and when they win they share the cigars and liquor.
If women are not allowed to play then I just know Gary Bettman will refuse on the grounds of equal rights.
Top 5 signs your Winter Olympic sport may be cancelled
# 5 Uniforms have less than 50% sequins
# 4 No judges to influence the outcome
# 3 Relies on Gatorade instead of gunpowder
# 2 North Americans love it
# 1 You don’t need an interpreter to understand the rules
Blind Canadian Olympic skier Brian McKeever was denied a chance to become the 1st athlete to compete in both the Olympics and Paralympics when he was not included on the men’s 50 km relay race. Asked to comment McKeever says he never saw it coming
It took until overtime but finally Canada... it’s Miller Time!
Not sure where there was more elbowing at the Canada-US game or Jack Layton trying to get his face on TV at Gretzkys Bar in Toronto...
The PM has such massive powers so how come he couldn’t prorogue Nickleback from the closing ceremony?
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