Some purists are questioning the use of an extensive elbow guard by Barry Bonds saying the rule book states it can only be used to protect an injury. In his defense Barry says he has had a bruised ego for the past 15 years.
The guard has been shown to create more fulcrums thus accelerating the momentum and substantially increasing the bat speed. The scientists who did the study are saddened by the conclusion as it now means they have to go back to trying to figure out why bridges collapse.
Matt Murphy' the student who caught Barry Bonds record breaking homerun is the first New York fan to catch anything in Giants Stadium other than a right hook. How ironic is it that a man from Queens caught a ball in San Francisco?
Reports of possible contamination in the water and food at the Beijing Olympics are going over like a lead balloon with officials. The balloon later tested well over the acceptable level of lead.
Organizers of the “Redneck Olympics” are being questioned after the weekend event ended with 54 arrests on charges ranging from public drunkenness to public urination. In addition to the fines the people charged will likely have to give back their medals.
Asked if he will appeal his one game suspension Edmonton Eskimo linebacker AJ Glass said “It’s a toss up”.
Glad to see Jay Mohr is back writing jokes for Fox Sports because why should their news department have all the one-liners?
The new owners of the Tampa Bay Lightning are denying rumors they named the company Absolute after the Vodka they drank while coming up with the idea. Maybe they were a bit blurry eyed and thought the amount they were paying for 3 players was for the whole team.
One of the sounds you don’t want to hear on a Golf course is Tiger Woods whistling “Baby needs new Booties”.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Here...Taste This!
Watching the 33 white haired owners of the Edmonton Oilers say they will take the team into the future is like having your grandpa show you how to snowboard.
Brady Quinn has signed a 5 year contract ending his holdout and says the loss of practice time should not affect the Cleveland Browns ability to finish last. Actually losing a few days of practice may prolong his career by a few snaps.
I’m betting Mark Philippoussis picks the 28 year old over the 48 year old but only because fellow tennis player Nikolay Davydenko has $3 million on her to win.
After nearly running over Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp the Seattle Mariners mascot Mariner Moose was racked with guilt.
I don’t know how it was possible but after hitting the record home run Barry Bonds head seems to have shrunk not swollen with pride.
Now that the record is official we should all sit back and admire Barry Bonds for what is really most impressive, his hot mistress.
Bud Selig decided to get together with George Mitchell the chief steroid inspector instead of attending the record breaking home run by Barry Bonds. Bud felt it was in the best interest of baseball to try and tarnish the record from a suitable distance.
Tim Horton’s is upset over the blatant rip off of its “Roll up the Rim to Win” campaign by Wendy’s with their “Lift the Lip” promotion. In retaliation Tim Horton’s is copying the Wendy’s “Kick to Win” event with one called “Punt the Pigtailed Phony”.
Seeing Jesse Lumsden on top of all the rushing statistics in the CFL you can’t help but imagine how much better he would be if he was an American.
Packman Jones has decided to spend his off season working for TNA Wrestling and will feature signature moves such as the “Bail and Release”, “Subpoena Suplex” and of course the “Bodyguard Caps ‘em”.
The excitement in Beijing now just one year away from hosting the Olympic Games is so intense you can not only feel it in the air you can taste it. Preparations for the Games are almost complete with venues being finished, housing completed and most of the bribes nearly in place.
A Calgary TV station is being accused of sabotage after showing a clip of a trick play used by the Stampeders in a game with Edmonton. A spokesperson for the TV station was shocked saying “who knew people in Edmonton had TV’s?”
Brady Quinn has signed a 5 year contract ending his holdout and says the loss of practice time should not affect the Cleveland Browns ability to finish last. Actually losing a few days of practice may prolong his career by a few snaps.
I’m betting Mark Philippoussis picks the 28 year old over the 48 year old but only because fellow tennis player Nikolay Davydenko has $3 million on her to win.
After nearly running over Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp the Seattle Mariners mascot Mariner Moose was racked with guilt.
I don’t know how it was possible but after hitting the record home run Barry Bonds head seems to have shrunk not swollen with pride.
Now that the record is official we should all sit back and admire Barry Bonds for what is really most impressive, his hot mistress.
Bud Selig decided to get together with George Mitchell the chief steroid inspector instead of attending the record breaking home run by Barry Bonds. Bud felt it was in the best interest of baseball to try and tarnish the record from a suitable distance.
Tim Horton’s is upset over the blatant rip off of its “Roll up the Rim to Win” campaign by Wendy’s with their “Lift the Lip” promotion. In retaliation Tim Horton’s is copying the Wendy’s “Kick to Win” event with one called “Punt the Pigtailed Phony”.
Seeing Jesse Lumsden on top of all the rushing statistics in the CFL you can’t help but imagine how much better he would be if he was an American.
Packman Jones has decided to spend his off season working for TNA Wrestling and will feature signature moves such as the “Bail and Release”, “Subpoena Suplex” and of course the “Bodyguard Caps ‘em”.
The excitement in Beijing now just one year away from hosting the Olympic Games is so intense you can not only feel it in the air you can taste it. Preparations for the Games are almost complete with venues being finished, housing completed and most of the bribes nearly in place.
A Calgary TV station is being accused of sabotage after showing a clip of a trick play used by the Stampeders in a game with Edmonton. A spokesperson for the TV station was shocked saying “who knew people in Edmonton had TV’s?”
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Robbie drives NASCAR crazy
What a huge scrum this weekend as people grabbed for the balls of Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and AJ Glass.
The movie 300 came out on the weekend Tom Glavin reached that milestone and Disturbia the same time Barry Bonds reached his.
After surviving a controversy over a whip, Jockey Jose Santos was inducted into the horse racing Hall of Fame and in his acceptance speech thanked his wife, his kids and most of all Marv Albert.
Tests on Terrel Owens showed his pain was not in his back but somewhat south of there.
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady celebrated his 30th birthday by spending quiet time waiting for a text message to see if he was a father.
Union officials for baseball umpires are not happy with MLB asking for background checks saying it is an offer they can refuse.
The Calgary Stampeders have activated defensive tackle Demetrious Maxie from retirement for their game against Montreal saying he gives them a veteran presence, leadership skills and above all a senior’s discount at the Clubs.
Micro-Organisms frozen for thousands of years have been brought back to life thus giving hope to fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
The British Government is striving to prevent another outbreak of foot and mouth disease and in a related story Jeremy Roenick has still not announced if he is going to retire.
NASCAR’S Robbie Gordon was put on probation for the rest of the year, will miss the next race, pay a $35,000 fine and be forced to hang a “student driver” sign on his bumper.
Watching the white haired owners of the Edmonton Oilers say they will take the team into the future is like having your grandpa explain to you the intricacies of video file sharing. The old men are still hoping they get to keep the Rexall Drugs discount.
Brady Quinn has signed a 5 year contract ending his holdout and says the loss of practice time should not affect the Cleveland Browns ability to finish last. Actually losing a few days of practice may prolong his career by a few snaps.
The movie 300 came out on the weekend Tom Glavin reached that milestone and Disturbia the same time Barry Bonds reached his.
After surviving a controversy over a whip, Jockey Jose Santos was inducted into the horse racing Hall of Fame and in his acceptance speech thanked his wife, his kids and most of all Marv Albert.
Tests on Terrel Owens showed his pain was not in his back but somewhat south of there.
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady celebrated his 30th birthday by spending quiet time waiting for a text message to see if he was a father.
Union officials for baseball umpires are not happy with MLB asking for background checks saying it is an offer they can refuse.
The Calgary Stampeders have activated defensive tackle Demetrious Maxie from retirement for their game against Montreal saying he gives them a veteran presence, leadership skills and above all a senior’s discount at the Clubs.
Micro-Organisms frozen for thousands of years have been brought back to life thus giving hope to fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
The British Government is striving to prevent another outbreak of foot and mouth disease and in a related story Jeremy Roenick has still not announced if he is going to retire.
NASCAR’S Robbie Gordon was put on probation for the rest of the year, will miss the next race, pay a $35,000 fine and be forced to hang a “student driver” sign on his bumper.
Watching the white haired owners of the Edmonton Oilers say they will take the team into the future is like having your grandpa explain to you the intricacies of video file sharing. The old men are still hoping they get to keep the Rexall Drugs discount.
Brady Quinn has signed a 5 year contract ending his holdout and says the loss of practice time should not affect the Cleveland Browns ability to finish last. Actually losing a few days of practice may prolong his career by a few snaps.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Balls and Nuts
To put the historic Saturday launches in perspective Page 1 went to Barry Bonds, Page 4 was for Alex Rodriguez and Page 74 mentioned NASA’s probe to Mars.
After winning the Firestone Event Tiger Woods was mindful of his sponsor by refusing to answer if he felt he was having a Good Year.
Mexican Lorena Ochoa became the first woman to ever win an event at historic St. Andrews, home of the exclusively male Royal & Ancient Club. Ochoa said crossing a border to work on the greens of a+ Club that would not have her as a member and wanted her to leave afterwards made her feel “at home”.
Seeing all the streamers being thrown on the field at the Toronto-Los Angles soccer game I was unaware you could rent the field for a birthday party. Not saying the soccer players go down easily but one forward was taken out by a two-ply.
Terrell Owens missed practice on Sunday and is listed as day to day with lower back and upper ego damage.
Tom Glavine pitched his 300th win on Saturday an thus became the first person to reach a record this year and not be booed.
After watching Edmonton Eskimos AJ Glass throw an opponents helmet 35 yards downfield his mother said “he always was headstrong”. AJ says he became enraged when Calgary Stampeders lineman Jeff Pilon “grabbed his balls” to which Pilon said “nuts”.
The only person more upset with Edmonton linebacker Kenny Onatolu getting thrown out of the game with Calgary, than Kenny, was the announcer trying to pronounce his name.
Anthony Harfrove of the Buffalo Bills was charged with a number of offenses in a scuffle with police the most serious of which was being out after curfew.
Headline after San Diego Padres picture Clay Hensley was demoted after serving up the 755th home run to a man he “admires”. “Clay aching and packing after serving up homer to American Idol”
The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking to hire Scotty Bowman in a newly created position of “Person who has touched the Stanley Cup”. In addition to walking around with a superior attitude Bowman will be expected to roll his eyes, sigh during press conferences and collect a fat cheque.
After winning the Firestone Event Tiger Woods was mindful of his sponsor by refusing to answer if he felt he was having a Good Year.
Mexican Lorena Ochoa became the first woman to ever win an event at historic St. Andrews, home of the exclusively male Royal & Ancient Club. Ochoa said crossing a border to work on the greens of a+ Club that would not have her as a member and wanted her to leave afterwards made her feel “at home”.
Seeing all the streamers being thrown on the field at the Toronto-Los Angles soccer game I was unaware you could rent the field for a birthday party. Not saying the soccer players go down easily but one forward was taken out by a two-ply.
Terrell Owens missed practice on Sunday and is listed as day to day with lower back and upper ego damage.
Tom Glavine pitched his 300th win on Saturday an thus became the first person to reach a record this year and not be booed.
After watching Edmonton Eskimos AJ Glass throw an opponents helmet 35 yards downfield his mother said “he always was headstrong”. AJ says he became enraged when Calgary Stampeders lineman Jeff Pilon “grabbed his balls” to which Pilon said “nuts”.
The only person more upset with Edmonton linebacker Kenny Onatolu getting thrown out of the game with Calgary, than Kenny, was the announcer trying to pronounce his name.
Anthony Harfrove of the Buffalo Bills was charged with a number of offenses in a scuffle with police the most serious of which was being out after curfew.
Headline after San Diego Padres picture Clay Hensley was demoted after serving up the 755th home run to a man he “admires”. “Clay aching and packing after serving up homer to American Idol”
The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking to hire Scotty Bowman in a newly created position of “Person who has touched the Stanley Cup”. In addition to walking around with a superior attitude Bowman will be expected to roll his eyes, sigh during press conferences and collect a fat cheque.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Down and Wide Outs
NBA referee Bernie Fryer who recently resigned says many of his fellow refs buy lottery tickets in the hopes they can leave their job. Psychologists have a name for this condition, it’s called “being human”.
Detroit Lions rookie wide receiver Calvin Johnson signed a 6 year contract worth $64 million. Asked if he was satisfied Johnson said “no question”. Brian Burke of the Anaheim Ducks later called officials with the Lions and blamed the high salary on Edmonton Oilers GM Kevin Lowe.
Detroit Tigers infielder Neifi Perez was suspended for 80 games Friday after testing positive for a third time for a banned stimulant. A spokesperson for Neifi says he is wrestling with some problems and was in a hurry to get on with his life.
Florida Gaters Ronnie Wilson has pleaded no contest to battery and discharging a firearm, Texas Longhorns Andre Jones was arrested and booked into jail on an aggravated robbery charge and former Northern Colorado player Mitch Cozad is in court charged with attempted first-degree murder and second-degree assault. With all these incidents coming so close to training camp College Football officials are concerned the players may not be in game shape for opening day.
USC has been named the favorite for the national football championship in a survey conducted by former USC players from across America. In second place was last year’s USC team.
James Harney a former State Trooper was sentenced to 5 years in prison for setting up an illegal betting ring. The sentence was to be expected as his own site had him at 3:5 to get 3:5. Under terms of a plea bargain he will be eligible to referee prison baskeball games in about a year.
Former NHL player Rick Tocchet who also faces charges is expected to submit the Phoenix Coyotes-Detroit Red Wings defense and plead no-contest.
NiShea Dukes the estranged wife of Tampa Bay Devil Rays picture Elijah Duke, called the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office to complain that he and an unidentified woman made harassing phone calls to her in contravention of a restraining order. Asked for his response Elijah said he was on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?” and she was his lifeline.
Nikolay Davydenko is under suspicion after it was revealed $7 million in bets was placed on his match with Martin Vassallo Arguello which is 10 times the usual amount, and most of the money was on Arguello to win, which he did after Davydenko withdrew citing an injury. Most damaging was the fact all of the money was placed on an obscure bet that Davydenko would retire with a sprained foot, in the 3rd set while down 2-1. The odds of this happening are so high the computer used to determine odds quit as well.
Two Cuban boxers who disappeared during last month's Pan American Games were found at a resort near Rio, where police say they partied and ran up an exorbitant tab. Now, a police inspector says, they want to go back to Cuba saying “nothing goes better after a big meal than a good cigar”.
Hamburger company Wendy’s say they will return with their “Kick for a Million” promotion with the CFL. The contest was in doubt earlier when a Wendy’s official said negotiations with the league had turned “frosty”.
I’m not sure what has more sugar in it a Wendy’s frosty or watching the CFL Halftime Show. The boys seem so sweet on each other they might want to check their blood sugar.
Detroit Lions rookie wide receiver Calvin Johnson signed a 6 year contract worth $64 million. Asked if he was satisfied Johnson said “no question”. Brian Burke of the Anaheim Ducks later called officials with the Lions and blamed the high salary on Edmonton Oilers GM Kevin Lowe.
Detroit Tigers infielder Neifi Perez was suspended for 80 games Friday after testing positive for a third time for a banned stimulant. A spokesperson for Neifi says he is wrestling with some problems and was in a hurry to get on with his life.
Florida Gaters Ronnie Wilson has pleaded no contest to battery and discharging a firearm, Texas Longhorns Andre Jones was arrested and booked into jail on an aggravated robbery charge and former Northern Colorado player Mitch Cozad is in court charged with attempted first-degree murder and second-degree assault. With all these incidents coming so close to training camp College Football officials are concerned the players may not be in game shape for opening day.
USC has been named the favorite for the national football championship in a survey conducted by former USC players from across America. In second place was last year’s USC team.
James Harney a former State Trooper was sentenced to 5 years in prison for setting up an illegal betting ring. The sentence was to be expected as his own site had him at 3:5 to get 3:5. Under terms of a plea bargain he will be eligible to referee prison baskeball games in about a year.
Former NHL player Rick Tocchet who also faces charges is expected to submit the Phoenix Coyotes-Detroit Red Wings defense and plead no-contest.
NiShea Dukes the estranged wife of Tampa Bay Devil Rays picture Elijah Duke, called the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office to complain that he and an unidentified woman made harassing phone calls to her in contravention of a restraining order. Asked for his response Elijah said he was on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?” and she was his lifeline.
Nikolay Davydenko is under suspicion after it was revealed $7 million in bets was placed on his match with Martin Vassallo Arguello which is 10 times the usual amount, and most of the money was on Arguello to win, which he did after Davydenko withdrew citing an injury. Most damaging was the fact all of the money was placed on an obscure bet that Davydenko would retire with a sprained foot, in the 3rd set while down 2-1. The odds of this happening are so high the computer used to determine odds quit as well.
Two Cuban boxers who disappeared during last month's Pan American Games were found at a resort near Rio, where police say they partied and ran up an exorbitant tab. Now, a police inspector says, they want to go back to Cuba saying “nothing goes better after a big meal than a good cigar”.
Hamburger company Wendy’s say they will return with their “Kick for a Million” promotion with the CFL. The contest was in doubt earlier when a Wendy’s official said negotiations with the league had turned “frosty”.
I’m not sure what has more sugar in it a Wendy’s frosty or watching the CFL Halftime Show. The boys seem so sweet on each other they might want to check their blood sugar.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
August 2 2007
Owner Craig Leipold of the Nashville Predators has agreed to sell his team to a group of local investors for $40 million less than what was offered by Jim Balsille. This is what comissioner Gary Bettman calls “taking one for the teams”. To compensate Mr. Leopold for his loss Mr. Bettman is planning to give him some of his gall and arrogance.
Zach Parise has signed a new 4 year $12.5 million contract with the New Jersey Devils. Asked what prompted the signing Parise said “ I don’t know, I told GM Lou Lamoriello I was visiting Edmonton and bingo”.
Toronto Argonauts Frank McMahon is the only quarterback to visit Calgary and throw an incomplete pass at Cowboys.
Out of respect for all the off season gun incidents NFL players will wear their holsters at half mast.
In an effort to keep athletes on suspension in shape the NFL is mulling over the possibility of a Hall of Shame Game.
Tenessee Titans quarterback Vince Young got into an altercation with one of his own teamates causing the coaches to shudder at the prospect of their franchise player breaking his throwing hand. Vince is now being given lessons on how throw imaginary punches like a baseball player.
Rookie NFL quarterbacks JaMarcus Russel and Brady Quinn are still training camp holdouts. Russel wants more money from the Raiders and Quinn is looking for the Browns to issue a correction and say they took him with the 3rd pick and not 22nd.
The cartwheel Paula Creamer did in front of the Swilcain Bridge wasn’t nearly as good as the one Sergio Garcia did when Padraig Harrington put a shot off it on the 18th hole of the British Open.
Most depressing sound for golfers at the practice rounds for the Bridgestone Invitational Golf Classic was Tiger Woods muttering “Baby needs new Booties”.
Zach Parise has signed a new 4 year $12.5 million contract with the New Jersey Devils. Asked what prompted the signing Parise said “ I don’t know, I told GM Lou Lamoriello I was visiting Edmonton and bingo”.
Toronto Argonauts Frank McMahon is the only quarterback to visit Calgary and throw an incomplete pass at Cowboys.
Out of respect for all the off season gun incidents NFL players will wear their holsters at half mast.
In an effort to keep athletes on suspension in shape the NFL is mulling over the possibility of a Hall of Shame Game.
Tenessee Titans quarterback Vince Young got into an altercation with one of his own teamates causing the coaches to shudder at the prospect of their franchise player breaking his throwing hand. Vince is now being given lessons on how throw imaginary punches like a baseball player.
Rookie NFL quarterbacks JaMarcus Russel and Brady Quinn are still training camp holdouts. Russel wants more money from the Raiders and Quinn is looking for the Browns to issue a correction and say they took him with the 3rd pick and not 22nd.
The cartwheel Paula Creamer did in front of the Swilcain Bridge wasn’t nearly as good as the one Sergio Garcia did when Padraig Harrington put a shot off it on the 18th hole of the British Open.
Most depressing sound for golfers at the practice rounds for the Bridgestone Invitational Golf Classic was Tiger Woods muttering “Baby needs new Booties”.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
August 1 2007
Yu Zhenhuan the world’s hairiest man is asking to be a part of the Olympic Torch Run citing his brush with fame and wanting to make a permanent contribution.
In a nod to Michael Vick NFL teams will now assign #7 to players dogging it in practice.
Three time formula one champ Nelson Piquet was forced to take a Drivers Ed class after racking up too many points on his license. The most common infraction for Nelson was passing on the shoulder.
After missing another game the only person with an ankle more closely monitored than David Beckham is Lindsay Lohan.
After hearing the NY Rangers tear into him during his arbitration hearing smack talker Sean Avery was quoted as saying ‘If you can’t say anything good about someone you shouldn’t say anything”.
After selling out their season tickets despite having little luck upgrading their team in the off season the PR Representative for the Edmonton Oilers figures guys just want to have a chance to go somewhere without their wives.
Complaining of a stiff back that could cause him to miss the next tournament Jim Furyk says he now regrets asking for his Canadian Open winnings in loonies.
After hearing Italian golfer Alessandro Pissilli tested positive for Finasteride a drug used to treat hair loss I guess my hat’s off to him. Now that golfers are aware of the dangers of treating hair loss there will be fewer players making the cut.
I guess Michael Strahan figured if his wife could get an increase in her divorce settlement by using the words “feeling betrayed” he’d give it a shot.
Chicago Bulls Eddy Curry and Antoine Walker of the Miami Heat have both recently been robbed while living in Chicago. They both say this will not cause them to consider moving to Edmonton. Curry was robbed of jewelry estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands and his wife lost some too. Curry said her losses were limited because he doesn’t fool around.
A professional gambler says he suspected another gambler was benefiting from insider information given to him by referee Tim Donaghy. “No gambler I know would bet Memphis to beat the spread”.
In a nod to Michael Vick NFL teams will now assign #7 to players dogging it in practice.
Three time formula one champ Nelson Piquet was forced to take a Drivers Ed class after racking up too many points on his license. The most common infraction for Nelson was passing on the shoulder.
After missing another game the only person with an ankle more closely monitored than David Beckham is Lindsay Lohan.
After hearing the NY Rangers tear into him during his arbitration hearing smack talker Sean Avery was quoted as saying ‘If you can’t say anything good about someone you shouldn’t say anything”.
After selling out their season tickets despite having little luck upgrading their team in the off season the PR Representative for the Edmonton Oilers figures guys just want to have a chance to go somewhere without their wives.
Complaining of a stiff back that could cause him to miss the next tournament Jim Furyk says he now regrets asking for his Canadian Open winnings in loonies.
After hearing Italian golfer Alessandro Pissilli tested positive for Finasteride a drug used to treat hair loss I guess my hat’s off to him. Now that golfers are aware of the dangers of treating hair loss there will be fewer players making the cut.
I guess Michael Strahan figured if his wife could get an increase in her divorce settlement by using the words “feeling betrayed” he’d give it a shot.
Chicago Bulls Eddy Curry and Antoine Walker of the Miami Heat have both recently been robbed while living in Chicago. They both say this will not cause them to consider moving to Edmonton. Curry was robbed of jewelry estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands and his wife lost some too. Curry said her losses were limited because he doesn’t fool around.
A professional gambler says he suspected another gambler was benefiting from insider information given to him by referee Tim Donaghy. “No gambler I know would bet Memphis to beat the spread”.
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