Amateur Form

The NHL All Star shoot out was pretty boring with the most creative moves saved for the after game party. Everyone was saying the moves would pick up next year and that’s no surprise Montreal women have heard them all.

Seeing the difficulty NHL players had with the creative moves maybe next year they should have 12 year old kids doing the breakaway shootout.

The NHL is considering adding 2 games to the schedule, the only sticking point being all of the GM’s want to play the Leafs 2 more times.

Hank Steinbrenner is telling NY Yankee fans to be patient saying he won’t trade his prospects for overpaid veterans until after spring training officially begins.

The Toronto Argonauts have offered a contract to former B.C Lions quarterback Dave Dickenson proving players aren’t the only ones with head trauma. The deal is for 4 years or 6 games whichever comes first.

Jason Kidd of the NY Knicks wants out and if his request for a trade isn’t granted he will go ahead with his sexual harassment suit. Kidd says he feels he has done all he can to keep the Knicks from becoming a laughing stock and now wants to dump his.

Former NHL player Jere Karalahti was arrested in his home country of Finland for attempting to smuggle in amphetamines. Now we know how he got the nickname the Finnish Flash.

During the Super Bowl media day a reporter dressed in a wedding dress asked New England quarterback Tom Brady to get married which answered the question “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman”.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled this year because none of the quarterbacks would let their model girlfriends compete. I guess the headline is Lingerie Bowl goes Bust.

The CBC has applied for a license to broadcast an all amateur sports channel. Great just what we need more Leaf games.

Calgary Stampeder coach George Cortez has turned down the chance to become the Head Coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Cortez cited family reason as his wife can find Regina on a map.

PGA players are livid with the new drug testing program saying they feel it was sprung on them in the off season. After hearing from officials Frank Lickliter was incensed that one of the banned products included Vicks Vapor Inhaler. Frank should check the rules, it’s not the products that contain a dripping nose it’s the ones that cause it.

PGA players are now looking at forming a union and hope to have it in place in time for high tea.

Saskatchewan Roughriders quarterback Kerry Joseph is going to take a shot at the NFL. After winning the Grey Cup Joseph feels he should be given a contract that reflects his status as one of the CFL’s best. Hus biggest concern was a clause that had him being paid in US dollars.

Loved watching the Red Bull Crashed Ice demolition derby as it reminded me the last time I went to a Lulu Lemon warehouse sale.

The Calgary Flames are said to be close to signing restricted free agent Dion Phaneuf to a long term deal. They are stuck on a few small details including the contract length, bonuses and an out that allows him to pursue his dream of becoming a catwalk model.

Lotto Luck

The Edmonton Oilers shareholders have received another offer for the team which proves Rexall Drugs owner Daryl Katz isn’t the only one with access to hallucinogens. The proposal is called Plan B which narrowly beat out the other suggestion Poison Pill.

The NY Yankees will set a record with a $218 million payroll next year, a figure which includes salaries, bonuses and hush money.

The military engineers behind British submarines have agreed to help their nation design equipment to compete in the 2010 Winter Olympics opening up the potential for the first bobsled to sink during a run.

Police are looking for a man who bilked people in Toronto by saying they could win the Lotto once a curse was lifted from them. Police became suspicious when the man said the curse would be lifted when the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

Notre Dame dams the dame

Anyone who says they would have picked Eli Manning to be in the Super Bowl over Peyton Manning is the same person that would have taken Brett Gretzky in their hockey pool over Wayne.

Tough day for glass as Dion Pnaeuf shattered two panes in the game and one later when he was shaving.

Peter Forsberg skated for Swedish team MoDo and after taking one lap around the rink managed to get two contract offers and one GM fired for not making one.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders began their search for a new head coach by stating the qualifications required. The candidate must have coaching experience, be willing to work towards a championship and have a decent exit strategy if they win one. The Riders were interested in defensive coach Ritchie Hall until he explained his reluctance to leave after having some success. Let’s face it if someone wants to stay in Regina he must have problems.

The NFL has banned Buffalo Bills defensive end Anthony Hargrove for substance violation. Because of NFL rules the substance was not revealed and Anthony didn’t have the balls to come clean.

After scoring 3 shorthanded goals against Carolina NY Islanders coach Ted Nolan became the first coach to pull a forward.

The NHL has decided to award points for creativity during the shoot out at this year’s All Star game. Points will be awarded for creativity, difficulty and ringing the five hole bell. An effort to spice up the game to appeal to the youth failed when the new uniforms repelled water at the wet t shirt rehearsal.

A study has determined on an average day 100 million people are having sex. The amount lowers drastically during heat waves and reaches a peak during the NBA All Star Game.

John Ferguson Jr. says he will stand behind his record which is good because no goalie wants to stand behind that defence.

Roger Clemens is considering playing another year with the Houston Astros saying he feels pumped.

New England quarterback Tom Brady was seen with a plastic cast on his foot after visiting his ex girlfriend. Fans of the Patriots were relieved to find out it was just a boot put on him by his current girlfriend for double parking.

Two TV Shows revolving around the NHL premiered this week. “MVP” is about a fictitious Toronto hockey team and one about wives of NHL players that signed with Edmonton called “The Week the Women Left Town.”

After missing half or the regular season Scott Niedermayer was added to this years All Star team. This has Peter Forsberg increasing his daily skating workouts in hopes of signing a contract in time to be included as well.

Not sure who had the worse injury Sidney Crosby when he crashed into the boards or executives of the NHL network who leap from their offices windows after hearing the news.

First it was Golf channel reporter Kelly Tilghman being suspended for remarks about Tiger Woods and now ESPN’s Dana Jacobson has come under fire for her portrayal of Notre Dame in a televised roast. I remember when men had to beg women to talk trash and now they are getting suspended for it.

The Catholic Church is outraged over the remarks Dana made about Notre Dame asking “What have we ever done to women to deserve this kind of treatment?”

Why is it Canadians are always hurt by labour disputes? This year the Academy Awards are going to be interrupted by a writers strike with Canadians heavily represented, the baseball strike wiped out the chance for Montreal to win the World Series and we all know Toronto would have won the Stanley Cup during the walkout year.

The Winter X Games have gone green which will make snowboarders very very happy. The beer will be in corn based cups, the napkins are from a sugarcane based by-product and only chemically free, organically grown pot will be used by snowboarders.

A Cheap Shot

Usually a frozen rope is a term for a hard thrown pass but in Sundays NFL game in Green Bay it was the string to tie up your pants.

The real winner on the frozen seats of Green Bay was the local distributor of Preparation H.

The Packers lost despite a “Packer Prayer” that was being circulated on the internet making out Brett Favre to be a saviour. I guess The Lord decided to smite them because at the good book says “Thou shall have no other God before me”.

When we were kids in the ‘70’s a high ankle sprain was when you got stoned and fell off your platform heels.

The US Congress is praising the NFL for its drug testing program and ability to find 6’ 350 lb. players who can run the 40 in 4 seconds without needing drugs. This is the same Congress that called sub prime mortgages a boon to the economy.

The Buffalo Bills are closer to getting NFL approval to play a regular season game in Toronto. Meanwhile Buffalo Sabres coach hopes his team will play a game the next time they visit Toronto as well.

The Calgary Flames had their annual skills competition with Adrian Aucoin winning the hardest shot contest with an old fashioned wood stick. His shot of 103 MPH was deemed the best even though Dion Phaneuf’s composite broken blade went 104. The stick Adrian used cost $30.00 or about the cost of a couple of double doubles on the way to the rink.

The economy took a hit on Monday with stocks being sold off quicker than a Roger Clemens fastball. This is the biggest drop of stock since Bobby Petrino left the Atlanta Falcons in a lurch.

The first person Cliff Fletcher called when he became the new TO GM was to Doug Riseborough to see if they could pull off another 10 player trade. Now that the Maple Leafs GM problem is resolved they can turn their attention to their next problem, finding someone to replace the new GM.

The Rubber Match

Saskatchewan Roughriders coach Kent Austin has quit taking a position as offensive co-ordinator with Mississippi State University. This is the second time Austin has left Saskatchewan after winning the Grey Cup thus putting lie to the slogan winners never quit. Austin says his decision was family related and wants to leave the door open to come back and quit again.

A 14 year old girl was booed by fans in Indianapolis when she entered the punt, pass and kick competition in a New England jersey. Asked to comment the girl says she now knows how Jessica Simpson feels when she wears a Cowboys jersey in Dallas. The owner of the New England Patriots says he will invite the girl to be a part of the team during next week’s game either by being in the coin toss, standing on the sidelines or operating the video camera.

The NCAA has opened up the possibility to Canadian Universities to join them in the upcoming year. This could help the Universities get access to better training, equipment and drug masking. When asked what this would do to the CIS competition most people responding said it shouldn’t affect our spy agency.

The Calgary SAIT Trojans are considering joining the NCAA and if they do it could set up a game against the UCLA Trojans the ultimate rubber match.

The CFL has raised the salary cap $150,000 to $4.2 million and have loosened rules governing meal allowances, which make it possible for players to super size their orders.

The San Francisco Giants were criticized by MLB commissioner Bud Selig for not reporting suspicions over the drug use of Barry Bonds. The Giants were apologetic with a spokesman saying next time they will try to give the league a heads up for suspicious signs.

The people in charge of drug testing for MLB say they have the situation under control and offered to give each member of the committee a coupon for a free hot dog and coke at their next game.

With the rash of 1 year contracts being given to players in the baseball off season you wonder if the owners are looking to see if the players have an expiry date. When asked how long it takes steroids to leave the system a spokesperson for a drug company said 1 to 2 years depending on the length of the contract extension.

A new drug for a condition called “restless leg syndrome” is reported to have side effects that include sexual promiscuity and increased gambling or as pro sports teams call it “road trip”. Asked to comment Travis Henry said “that’s it, I have restless leg syndrome”. This may explain why former Los Angeles Rams receiver “Crazy Legs” Hirsh was always smiling.

Randy Moss has denied reports he battered a female companion. In his favour there are no witnesses and he claims his innocence. In her favour she has a part time job as a videographer for the Patriots. Moss says the only thing he is guilty of in a court of law is an accident. If the defence works Roger Clemens will say he accidently fell on syringes... from 1999-2007.

After taking a wicked slap shot off the shoulder in a shootout from Dion Pnaneuf, Minnesota Wild goalie Backstrom might give the blame to Brian Rolston who likes to do the same to opposing goalies. It might have been the reason he couldn’t raise his arm to stop the winner from Iginla.

The Miami Dolphins have announced the hiring of Tony Saprano as their head coach. His first act was to have the offensive line whacked. The good news for the players is he comes with tons of experience the bad new training camp has been moved to an abandoned warehouse in New Jersey.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is lobbying for entry into the Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tourney. This is a co-incidence because all of Texas wants to tee off on him and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson.

You Dirty Rat

Oscar Pistorius a double amputee who uses artificial legs to run with has been denied entry into the Olympic Games. IOC officials say the sprinter has an unfair advantage and it is important all athletes compete on a level playing field, except for those who use drugs. The IOC is worried letting Oscar run would open the door and the next thing you know the six million dollar man would want to be entered in the pentathlon.

The Toronto Blue Jays have traded often injured Troy Glaus for often injured Scott Rolen of the St. Louis Cardinals. The trade was contingent upon each player finding a Doctor who could keep a straight face and clear them to play.

The Calgary Flames have signed Curtis Joseph to a pro-rated contract which is a far better rating than the defence is getting. Cujo now gives the Flames a goalie controversy to round out the lack of secondary scoring and immobile defence. Asked why he didn’t take the offer in Toronto Cujo said “I was retired not retarded”.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking to hire an experienced GM to turn around the fortunes of the team. Early word was Scotty Bowman and Cliff Fletcher had the inside track until news a group of scientists successfully revived a dead heart which puts Sam Pollack back into the race.

People are calling for a complete demolition of the team which might mean Mike Holmes is the man for the job.

A virologist has determined that Christopher Columbus brought back syphilis from his trip to the New World. The data was collected using patterns obtained from NBA road trips.

A fossilized rat weighing more than 1 ton has been discovered in rock formations in Uruguay. This is the largest rat ever found and eclipses the previous record found in the Mitchell report.

Not that Desperate Housewives

The Washington Capitals signed Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year $125 million contract. It sounds like a lot but look how much they will save in playoff bonuses.

Roger Clemens spoke to 1000 college baseball coaches this weekend. He talked about pitching, conditioning and the need to find a trainer who is mute. Clemens told some jokes and was in a good mood saying the key to life is to be honest and open with almost everyone.

What’s with all the tears lately? Hillary Clinton cries and she wins, Terrel Owens cries when he loses and Toronto Maple Leaf fans cry when they are playing. When told that crying is a political asset Mark Messier broke down and admitted he is thing of running for office.

OJ Simpson was sent to jail for violating terms of his release on armed robbery charges by allegedly threatening a witness. Simpson says he is innocent and treated the man with kid gloves, which didn’t fit by the way.

Sir Edmund Hillary the first man to conquer Mt. Everest died this week. Sir Edmund was one of the few athletes to actually make good on the pick-up line “I’ll climb the highest mountain for you”.

With the Dakar Rally cancelled because of threats of terrorists the sport is looking to find other challenging courses to take its place. Suggestions include Budapest Romania to Bamako Mali, San Paulo Brazil to Mexico City Mexico and Suburban Toronto to Downtown Toronto during rush hour.

A feng shui expert says getting out of bed on the left side will give you a better start to the day. Dallas Cowboy fans know it really doesn’t matter what way you get out as long as Jessica Simpson isn’t on the other side.

NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas says he would never quit on his team but it’s pretty obvious the feeling isn’t mutual. Thomas recently signed a long term extension and says he will do anything to help the team short of letting them out of his contract.

Scientists in the US have successfully brought a dead heart back to life. This is a stunning achievement and gives hope to doctors, patients and fans of the Miami Dolphins.

Who would have guessed you would be adding Indianapolis and Dallas to the Bucket List?

The Australian Open has changed its court surface to something they call “True Blue”. Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have no plans to replace their turf which they call “Snow White”.

The CBC has a new show called MVP where the owner of a Toronto professional hockey team is seen looking over the package of her new highly touted draft pick. This is obviously fiction because if Toronto had a chance for a highly touted draft prospect they would have already traded him for a couple of over the hill journeymen. The show centres on a fictional hockey league and the wives of the players. Fictional or not none of the actresses would agree to be a part of the team from Edmonton.