Danny Heatley of the Ottawa Senators has signed a new 6 year contract which included salary, bonus clauses and the agreement all of the players will rise and say “Hail Heatley” when he enters a room.
I find if you turn off the sound while watching a NHL game the quality of the picture improves drastically. After listening to all the talking heads spouting their predictions it is now clear that HD TV should stand for Hopefully Deaf.
After experimenting with designer growth hormones New England Patriots safety is back from suspension and is one of the few players who really can tuck his tail between his legs and run.
The Anaheim Ducks lost to the Detroit Red Wings after their extended road trip to London England. The Ducks seemed to suffer from both jet lag and the desire to drive down the wrong side of the wing.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Hands on Coaching
The Calgary Stampeders are upset with CBC commentator Sean Millington for suggesting on air that quarterback Akil Smith should suck it up and play despite an injury. Millington said when he was a player he would often play injured and then walk home, uphill, in a blizzard, against the wind in his bare feet.
NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was found guilty by a jury of subjecting a former executive of unwanted sexual harassment. In his defense Isiah said he was just trying to demonstrate the finer points of a full court press. Despite the findings Isiah will not have to pay damages so he can once again hang on to his booty. In his defense Isiah nothed the defendant was taller than him and he was just trying to climb the corporate ladder.
Michael Vick completed an 8 hour class in empathy and animal protection and at the end was given a treat. Vick said he discovered killing dogs was bad, having dogs fight for money was bad and being caught was far worse.
After being suspended by the NHL Steve Downie has now been suspended by the American Hockey League and doesn’t appear to be given a fair hearing anywhere.
A 15 year old American weightlifter has tested positive for a banned stimulant. His parents were shocked and say they will stop giving him Flintstone chewables plus bennies.
At 36 Matts Sundin says he wants to end his career in Toronto. Matts joins a long line of players who have found their careers die while playing for the Maple Leafs. Sundin is set to pass the torch to another generation of Maple Leafs once they can find a fint and steel to ignite it.
Top 5 Signs your NHL team is in a rebuilding year
#5 You are $20 million under the salary cap
#4 The only person from your team picked in a fantasy draft was the trainer
#3 Star player still lives at home with his mom
#2 Hockey News pre season feature focused on the cheerleaders
#1 Hired a teacher to coach players with previous experience limited to pee wee girls
NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was found guilty by a jury of subjecting a former executive of unwanted sexual harassment. In his defense Isiah said he was just trying to demonstrate the finer points of a full court press. Despite the findings Isiah will not have to pay damages so he can once again hang on to his booty. In his defense Isiah nothed the defendant was taller than him and he was just trying to climb the corporate ladder.
Michael Vick completed an 8 hour class in empathy and animal protection and at the end was given a treat. Vick said he discovered killing dogs was bad, having dogs fight for money was bad and being caught was far worse.
After being suspended by the NHL Steve Downie has now been suspended by the American Hockey League and doesn’t appear to be given a fair hearing anywhere.
A 15 year old American weightlifter has tested positive for a banned stimulant. His parents were shocked and say they will stop giving him Flintstone chewables plus bennies.
At 36 Matts Sundin says he wants to end his career in Toronto. Matts joins a long line of players who have found their careers die while playing for the Maple Leafs. Sundin is set to pass the torch to another generation of Maple Leafs once they can find a fint and steel to ignite it.
Top 5 Signs your NHL team is in a rebuilding year
#5 You are $20 million under the salary cap
#4 The only person from your team picked in a fantasy draft was the trainer
#3 Star player still lives at home with his mom
#2 Hockey News pre season feature focused on the cheerleaders
#1 Hired a teacher to coach players with previous experience limited to pee wee girls
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A Point to Ponder
The Calgary Stampeders fired their defensive coordinator Denny Creehan thus giving them 2 sacks for the year. Not to say the Stamps defense in porous but there were less holes in OJ Simpsons alibi.
The Stampeders fired Danny Creehan but kept his son Casey and elevated him to the position of next to kin.
The Edmonton Oilers signed rookie Sam Gagner to an entry level contract and although Sam was thrilled to be starting for the Oilers, sources said he could hardly wait for his next offer from the Anaheim Ducks.
The Arizona Cardinals will stick with the 2 quarterback system despite the protest of Matt Leinart. His objection came as a surprise to Matts former girlfriend and the father of her child who said Matt was always willing to share his balls.
Former Miami Dolphin running back Rickey Williams has applied to be reinstated with the NFL following a drug related suspension. Rickey spent the past season in the CFL cementing his reputation as a dope running back.
Shaquille O’Neil spent his off season doing UFC fighting and now has his eyes set on the super-super-super-super heavy weight title currently held by the Goodyear Blimp.
Monday was the 75th anniversary of Babe Ruth’s famous home run where he pointed to the center field fence and then hit the next pitch over it. In tribute to that great event NY Mets pitcher Tom Glavine pointed to the center field fence several times in his crucial final game.
You know it is going to be a long season for the Toronto Maple Leafs when Sports Select has their Over Under set higher than the Toronto Argonauts.
The NY Mets sent out an email to apologize to fans for blowing a 7 game lead late in the season. A spokesperson for the Mets later sent out a correction saying they were mostly sorry for being in the lead for so long.
Olympic Pairs Figure Skating Champions Jamie Sale and David Pelletier are the proud parents of a son which after some protests has been upgraded to a golden child.
The Stampeders fired Danny Creehan but kept his son Casey and elevated him to the position of next to kin.
The Edmonton Oilers signed rookie Sam Gagner to an entry level contract and although Sam was thrilled to be starting for the Oilers, sources said he could hardly wait for his next offer from the Anaheim Ducks.
The Arizona Cardinals will stick with the 2 quarterback system despite the protest of Matt Leinart. His objection came as a surprise to Matts former girlfriend and the father of her child who said Matt was always willing to share his balls.
Former Miami Dolphin running back Rickey Williams has applied to be reinstated with the NFL following a drug related suspension. Rickey spent the past season in the CFL cementing his reputation as a dope running back.
Shaquille O’Neil spent his off season doing UFC fighting and now has his eyes set on the super-super-super-super heavy weight title currently held by the Goodyear Blimp.
Monday was the 75th anniversary of Babe Ruth’s famous home run where he pointed to the center field fence and then hit the next pitch over it. In tribute to that great event NY Mets pitcher Tom Glavine pointed to the center field fence several times in his crucial final game.
You know it is going to be a long season for the Toronto Maple Leafs when Sports Select has their Over Under set higher than the Toronto Argonauts.
The NY Mets sent out an email to apologize to fans for blowing a 7 game lead late in the season. A spokesperson for the Mets later sent out a correction saying they were mostly sorry for being in the lead for so long.
Olympic Pairs Figure Skating Champions Jamie Sale and David Pelletier are the proud parents of a son which after some protests has been upgraded to a golden child.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
The Breast Defense
After seeing the BC-Calgary game it is apparent the Stampeders Achilles heel isn’t at quarterback it is their defense.
Health organizations around North America have advised women to stop breast self exams and in an act of charity Travis Henry has offered to take up the slack.
After seeing Woody Austin fall face first into the water after an attempted shot it is obvious that unlike Tiger Woods he can’t walk on water. Woody later won first prize in the wet Tee Shirt Contest.
With the injuries to so many CFL quarterbacks the Grey Cup Game has been re-named Last Man Standing.
The Fantasy Hockey Drafts are just about complete which gives Toronto Maple Leaf Fans an actual shot at a Championship.
The NHL is considering foreign expansion with the possible locations being discussed as London England, Munich Germany and Winnipeg Manitoba.
After watching a hockey game, baseball game and a football triple header on Saturday I know why God decreed Sunday as a day of rest and to wind down will watch 3 NFL Games. Women of North America have a word for this time of year, shopping.
Germany won the Women’s World Cup of Soccer giving all of Germany a reason to drink in October.
NASCAR driver Tony Stewart will not be penalized for uttering a profanity as officials feel he was just trying to communicate with his fans in a language they could understand.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Gooooooooooad!
Steve Downie is hoping his suspension will be reduced by the NHL but it seems to me like a leap of faith. Watching all the people in hockey attack Downie you wonder if they shouldn’t be penalized for piling on.
Mike Keenan was about the only NHL person that questioned Dean McAmmonds decision to admire the pass he made instead of keeping his head up. The league wanted to censure him for his comments but couldn’t find anyone willing to make the call.
The NHL has put Ottawa Senators forward Brian McGratten on notice saying if he threatens anyone in the future he will be threatened again with disipline.
The BC Lions are “scared” because they haven’t seen a lot of Akili Smith on film whereas the Calgary Stampeders are scared because they have.
If you wonder why the Canadian Government is suddenly so concerned with Global Warming it is because they have just figured out there would be less hockey and more soccer.
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Yokozuna Hakuho was given 100 horses and sheep for winning a major Sumo Tournament. Yokozuna thanked the people of his home villiage for what he called a good pre-tournament meal.
NBA rookie Greg Oden says despite his season ending injury he will be the best possible teammate by cheering, handing out towels and going to the Strip Club early to get the best after game seats.
The US Womens Soccer team was beaten by Brazil and to show what good sports they are some are donating the shirts off their back to charity. The team is upset by the way Brazil taunted them saying it was a blatant infringement on their trademark.
Mike Keenan was about the only NHL person that questioned Dean McAmmonds decision to admire the pass he made instead of keeping his head up. The league wanted to censure him for his comments but couldn’t find anyone willing to make the call.
The NHL has put Ottawa Senators forward Brian McGratten on notice saying if he threatens anyone in the future he will be threatened again with disipline.
The BC Lions are “scared” because they haven’t seen a lot of Akili Smith on film whereas the Calgary Stampeders are scared because they have.
If you wonder why the Canadian Government is suddenly so concerned with Global Warming it is because they have just figured out there would be less hockey and more soccer.
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Yokozuna Hakuho was given 100 horses and sheep for winning a major Sumo Tournament. Yokozuna thanked the people of his home villiage for what he called a good pre-tournament meal.
NBA rookie Greg Oden says despite his season ending injury he will be the best possible teammate by cheering, handing out towels and going to the Strip Club early to get the best after game seats.
The US Womens Soccer team was beaten by Brazil and to show what good sports they are some are donating the shirts off their back to charity. The team is upset by the way Brazil taunted them saying it was a blatant infringement on their trademark.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Put the Halo on Ice!
The Chicago Cubs are closing in on a pennant and in preparation for a possible World Series run Hell is stocking up on ice making equipment.
Let me get this straight, Steve Downie hits someone with an illegal check and players, coaches and General Managers say he should be banned from the NHL. Brandon Sutter hits a Russian in the Junior Summit with an illegal check and he is playing great Canadian hockey. Matts Sundin crosschecks a Buffalo Sabres player from behind into the boards and he is a rugged player. If Don Cherry sides with the hypocrites we can start the countdown to Armageddon.
I know Steve Downie has a hearing problem but his most pressing condition might be his sight because I’m pretty sure he never saw this coming. If every player in the NHL was banned for leaving his feet to deliver a hit the league would be populated by the Ice Capades.
Not sure what was bigger this week the release of Halo 3 or the Halo’s acquired by NHL players when discussing the hit by Steve Downie.
There is more headhunting in the NHL pre-season than a Calgary Oil Company at a University Graduation Ceremony.
Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana so now he has been convicted for holding dog fights and is being put under restrictions for hangin with Snoop Dogg. The Royal Bank of Canada is suing Vick to try and recover money lent to him but officials for the bank fear the money may be up in smoke.
After seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs goalies fall apart in the pre-season I’m pretty sure Mark Bell won’t be the only Leaf requiring a stiff drink. This year may be a milestone as Leafs fans will not only be falling off the band wagon but the wagon as well.
After an internet vote it has been decided the home run record setting ball of Barry Bonds will be branded with an asterisk and sent to the Hall of Fame. A group of lawyers for asterisks of the world say they plan to file a class action suit for defamation of the character.
A poll out of London England site of an NHL exhibition game showed only 7% of people watch hockey. This had NHL President Gary Bettman salivating as it is 5% points higher than in the US.
Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has been demoted and will now only be available to throw interceptions in relief. Despite having the 2nd worst quarterback rating in the NFL Grossman was surprised with the demotion saying he needed time to get his rhythm. A spokesman for the Bears say they are trying to help him and once they figure out what instrument he has been playing it will be easier.
Let me get this straight, Steve Downie hits someone with an illegal check and players, coaches and General Managers say he should be banned from the NHL. Brandon Sutter hits a Russian in the Junior Summit with an illegal check and he is playing great Canadian hockey. Matts Sundin crosschecks a Buffalo Sabres player from behind into the boards and he is a rugged player. If Don Cherry sides with the hypocrites we can start the countdown to Armageddon.
I know Steve Downie has a hearing problem but his most pressing condition might be his sight because I’m pretty sure he never saw this coming. If every player in the NHL was banned for leaving his feet to deliver a hit the league would be populated by the Ice Capades.
Not sure what was bigger this week the release of Halo 3 or the Halo’s acquired by NHL players when discussing the hit by Steve Downie.
There is more headhunting in the NHL pre-season than a Calgary Oil Company at a University Graduation Ceremony.
Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana so now he has been convicted for holding dog fights and is being put under restrictions for hangin with Snoop Dogg. The Royal Bank of Canada is suing Vick to try and recover money lent to him but officials for the bank fear the money may be up in smoke.
After seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs goalies fall apart in the pre-season I’m pretty sure Mark Bell won’t be the only Leaf requiring a stiff drink. This year may be a milestone as Leafs fans will not only be falling off the band wagon but the wagon as well.
After an internet vote it has been decided the home run record setting ball of Barry Bonds will be branded with an asterisk and sent to the Hall of Fame. A group of lawyers for asterisks of the world say they plan to file a class action suit for defamation of the character.
A poll out of London England site of an NHL exhibition game showed only 7% of people watch hockey. This had NHL President Gary Bettman salivating as it is 5% points higher than in the US.
Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has been demoted and will now only be available to throw interceptions in relief. Despite having the 2nd worst quarterback rating in the NFL Grossman was surprised with the demotion saying he needed time to get his rhythm. A spokesman for the Bears say they are trying to help him and once they figure out what instrument he has been playing it will be easier.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Naked Dumb!
With all the streakers at McMahon Field in Calgary you have to wonder after seeing Henry Burris get injured why all the desire to do a naked bootleg?
Jose Offerman was arraigned on Monday for his attack on a pitcher and catcher during a game. Jose has pleaded not guilty to assault on the battery.
San Diego Padres Milton Bradley tore ligaments in his knee while arguing with an umpire. Doctors hope to have Milton up and throwing light fits in about a month and should be able to work his way up to hissy fits by the start of spring training. The Padres are considering hiring Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox to show Milton how to hrow fits using the whole body to avoid future injuries.
NHL players are saying the new water resistant jerseys do not allow the players sweat to cool and so they are changing their gloves, underwear and skates more often. A spokesperson for Reebok makers of the new jerseys say they will soon unveil an new line of moisture wicking underwear and gloves to soak up the extra sweat. Players are having a tough time getting used to the new tight fitting jerseys but the biggest complaint is that the new pants make their asses look fat.
The Chicago Cubs are closing in on a pennant and in preparation for a possible World Series run Hell is stocking up on ice making equipment.
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