Scientists have discovered microbes in the Canadian permafrost alive after hundreds of thousands of years many in such good condition they are still holding their original NY Yankees contract.
Disgraced Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu is now being charged with tax evasion. An official with the Sumo Wrestling authority was asked if he would consider reinstating the wrestler replied “fat chance”.
Canadian Wheelchair Basketball player Shawn Watson has tested positive for steroid use and is waiving his rights to a hearing because he doesn’t feel he has a leg to stand on.
Rafer Alston of the Huston Rockets was charged with his second assault in the past few weeks and when asked if he plans to go for a triple said “I might take a stab at it”.
A judge in New York has upheld the ban on metal bats in organized ball saying they should be left in the hands of legitimate NBA posses.
Bridget Moynahan has announced the name of the baby she had with ex boyfriend Tom Brady will be John Edward Thomas and she will call him JET for the way Brady took off when he discovered he was a father.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Teacher Petting
After admitting to the charges surrounding his involvement in organized dog fighting Michael Vick says he has found God which makes him a bone again Christian.
After crashing his Lamborghini Murcielago into a light pole Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tried to deflect his involvement by saying he had lent it to Eddie Griffin.
The crash was the biggest wreck by a Chicago Bear since Rex Groosman started at the Super Bowl.
The Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees 16-0 the most upsetting loss to the team since the clubhouse boy misplaced their little black books.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have announced plans to install the largest HD TV in the world. When told of this the owners of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays announced they are considering a bigger one so that fans won’t have to watch what is happening on the field.
Former NBA great Reggie Miller says he will not consider coming out of retirement saying you have to be all in or all out and I am turning all about. He then did the hockey pokey and left.
With all the college athletes being charged with crimes one of the new must have back to school supplies is a lawyer. I remember the old days when students slept withtheir girlfriends which drove their teachers to drink and now they are driving drunk and sleeping with their teachers.
After crashing his Lamborghini Murcielago into a light pole Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tried to deflect his involvement by saying he had lent it to Eddie Griffin.
The crash was the biggest wreck by a Chicago Bear since Rex Groosman started at the Super Bowl.
The Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees 16-0 the most upsetting loss to the team since the clubhouse boy misplaced their little black books.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have announced plans to install the largest HD TV in the world. When told of this the owners of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays announced they are considering a bigger one so that fans won’t have to watch what is happening on the field.
Former NBA great Reggie Miller says he will not consider coming out of retirement saying you have to be all in or all out and I am turning all about. He then did the hockey pokey and left.
With all the college athletes being charged with crimes one of the new must have back to school supplies is a lawyer. I remember the old days when students slept withtheir girlfriends which drove their teachers to drink and now they are driving drunk and sleeping with their teachers.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Designing Housewives
Actor Bill Murray was arrested for drunk driving in a golf cart on the streets of Stockholm Sweden prompting the headline…“Caddy Smashed”
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and plans to incorporate virtual games such as interactive handball.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to many professional athletes wives who go months not talking to their husbands because they score too much.
Top 3 Signs Your Star Player is Not Taking the Pre Season Seriously…
#3 “Calls a time-out to order a decaf half fat double shot frappachino”
#2 “Instead of cleats is wearing his favorite crocks”
#1 “While on the sidelines practices his routine for Dancing with the Stars”
The Fed-Ex Cup golf scoring system is so complicated it took Tiger Woods 2 weeks to realize he didn’t have to show up and still win it all”
Jockey Russell Baze was suspended for 15 days and fined for using his whip on an injured horse that later died. Asked to explain his actions Baze said something just Triggered him.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be one of the next contestants on the show Dancing with the Stars. According to former player Steve Nash, Cuban will excel at the Hustle.
At a press conference Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby unveiled his new line of clothing. Representatives for Rebok say they came up with the idea after watching Crosby undress opponents on the ice.
Temperatures at the World Track and Field Championships have reached over 104 degrees. It was so hot athletes were straining their groins just to get an ice pack.
Top 3 Signs your big NHL free agent signing is getting too arrogant
#3 Tries to trade your goalie for his former teams masseuse
#2 Demands to get dressed in the owners luxury suite
#1 Hires his model wife to design “fabulous” new uniforms
David Wells was signed by the Los Angles Dodgers in a contract that was prorated for the balance of the season and included seats in the all you can eat section. The deal was expensive and cost the Dodgers an arm and leg of lamb. David says he looks “sexy” in his new uniform so I guess he’s got his sexy fat.
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and plans to incorporate virtual games such as interactive handball.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to many professional athletes wives who go months not talking to their husbands because they score too much.
Top 3 Signs Your Star Player is Not Taking the Pre Season Seriously…
#3 “Calls a time-out to order a decaf half fat double shot frappachino”
#2 “Instead of cleats is wearing his favorite crocks”
#1 “While on the sidelines practices his routine for Dancing with the Stars”
The Fed-Ex Cup golf scoring system is so complicated it took Tiger Woods 2 weeks to realize he didn’t have to show up and still win it all”
Jockey Russell Baze was suspended for 15 days and fined for using his whip on an injured horse that later died. Asked to explain his actions Baze said something just Triggered him.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be one of the next contestants on the show Dancing with the Stars. According to former player Steve Nash, Cuban will excel at the Hustle.
At a press conference Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby unveiled his new line of clothing. Representatives for Rebok say they came up with the idea after watching Crosby undress opponents on the ice.
Temperatures at the World Track and Field Championships have reached over 104 degrees. It was so hot athletes were straining their groins just to get an ice pack.
Top 3 Signs your big NHL free agent signing is getting too arrogant
#3 Tries to trade your goalie for his former teams masseuse
#2 Demands to get dressed in the owners luxury suite
#1 Hires his model wife to design “fabulous” new uniforms
David Wells was signed by the Los Angles Dodgers in a contract that was prorated for the balance of the season and included seats in the all you can eat section. The deal was expensive and cost the Dodgers an arm and leg of lamb. David says he looks “sexy” in his new uniform so I guess he’s got his sexy fat.
With tainted records in baseball, a crooked referee in basketball, morally bankrupt behavior in football, positive drug tests in cycling and allegations of match fixing in tennis the world of sports is beginning to look like a really bad episode of Hero’s.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Playing Handball on the Web
Scientists were amazed to discover the planet Uranus has acquired a new ring in the past 20 years thus doubling the output of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Kirk Radomski the ex Mets clubhouse attendant has been interviewed by the Mitchell commission on steroid use and the findings are said to be explosive. The case first came to light when it was discovered Kirk was selling a glass of juice in the clubhouse for $400 or about the same as a NY Hotel mini-bar. The names mentioned by Kirk are not yet out because when you are on steroids it’s sometimes hard to get a leak.
Peyton Manning is defending his brother Eli after comments by ex NY Giants running back and now TV commentator Tiki Barber questioned his leadership abilities. Payton says players that become commentators like to break the code by criticizing their former teammates, but to be honest the code is not really an enigma to anyone watching the Giants.
Rory Sabatini grabbed the first round lead of the Fed Ex Cup and now has a mathematical chance to be as confused as everyone else about the scoring system.
Ex Toronto Maple Leaf Jim Pappin had his 1967 Stanley Cup Ring found on a beach in Florida. The ring headed south like so many other Snowbirds to the warmer climate and a chance to see the Cup again.
Saskatchewan Roughrider Gene Makowsky is recovering from a bout of mononucleosis and is trying to tell his wife he caught the “kissing disease” congratulating Kerry Joseph for a touchdown pass. It took a while to diagnose the disease characterized by a sluggishness and lack of energy because he plays on the offensive line.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to major league players wives who go long periods not talking to their husbands because they score too often.
A report on the conduct of former NHLPA president Ted Saskin is finished but will take a couple of weeks to be delivered to all the players as they feel a bit jittery sending it out on email.
The NY Yankees decided not to use Joba Chamberlain in a game because the day before he had thrown 9 pitches. Yankee officials later said it might have only been 9 pitches but from the dugout it felt like he was out there forever.
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and have acquired all of the links necessary except for a dispute over the rights to the handball site, currently in other hands.
Kirk Radomski the ex Mets clubhouse attendant has been interviewed by the Mitchell commission on steroid use and the findings are said to be explosive. The case first came to light when it was discovered Kirk was selling a glass of juice in the clubhouse for $400 or about the same as a NY Hotel mini-bar. The names mentioned by Kirk are not yet out because when you are on steroids it’s sometimes hard to get a leak.
Peyton Manning is defending his brother Eli after comments by ex NY Giants running back and now TV commentator Tiki Barber questioned his leadership abilities. Payton says players that become commentators like to break the code by criticizing their former teammates, but to be honest the code is not really an enigma to anyone watching the Giants.
Rory Sabatini grabbed the first round lead of the Fed Ex Cup and now has a mathematical chance to be as confused as everyone else about the scoring system.
Ex Toronto Maple Leaf Jim Pappin had his 1967 Stanley Cup Ring found on a beach in Florida. The ring headed south like so many other Snowbirds to the warmer climate and a chance to see the Cup again.
Saskatchewan Roughrider Gene Makowsky is recovering from a bout of mononucleosis and is trying to tell his wife he caught the “kissing disease” congratulating Kerry Joseph for a touchdown pass. It took a while to diagnose the disease characterized by a sluggishness and lack of energy because he plays on the offensive line.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to major league players wives who go long periods not talking to their husbands because they score too often.
A report on the conduct of former NHLPA president Ted Saskin is finished but will take a couple of weeks to be delivered to all the players as they feel a bit jittery sending it out on email.
The NY Yankees decided not to use Joba Chamberlain in a game because the day before he had thrown 9 pitches. Yankee officials later said it might have only been 9 pitches but from the dugout it felt like he was out there forever.
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and have acquired all of the links necessary except for a dispute over the rights to the handball site, currently in other hands.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Cup Spaced Out
Now that Angelio Esposito will not be in Team Canada’s line-up for the series against Russia, who will step up to call us jerks if they start losing?
I was touched by the picture of Mark Bell with his arms around the kids just after he was sentenced to jail for his DUI. I guess his excuse was valid; he was doing an emergency 3:00 AM toy-run.
The new president of the Canadian Medical Association was in Toronto to start an urgent debate on the 40 year old health care system and his argument for change was couched in a sports metaphor. “You wouldn’t keep spending enormous sums of money on a team for 40 years and not expect results.” Do I really have to finish this joke?
The Texas Rangers scored a record 30 runs on Wednesday is a desperate attempt to show management they don’t need George Bush back when he limps through his Presidency.
A 59 year old man has made the Sul Ross State Division III football team in a story that has touched America and forced the NY Yankees to add 6 years to Roger Clemmons option. Mike Flynt a self-made millionaire said he always wanted to go back to college and realize his one big unfulfilled dream, to nail a cheerleader.
Jerome Bettis says in his new book he faked an injury in training camp to avoid getting cut and losing his salary. NFL veterans were horrified saying the only reason to fake an injury in training camp is to avoid training camp. Bettis says he cheated the team because he knew “they were trying to pull on me”, a valuable lesson in honesty for all you kiddies out there.
Illinois guard Jamar Smith will be forced to sit out a full year after being found guilty of DUI and causing an accident. Asked what he learned from this experience Smith replied “I should have said yes to the trade with the Toronto Maple Leafs”.
NASA has now admitted the reason it brought back the Space Shuttle early was not because of the Hurricane threat but the PGA had rented their computers to figure out the scoring system of the Fed Ex Cup.
Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs has ended his contract holdout saying “It wasn’t about the money”. Holding out for more money is now code for wanting better seating on the team bus.
After turning down a $21 million contract because “I have a family to feed” ex NBA star Latrell Sprewell had his yacht confiscated for not paying the mortgage. Asked to comment Sprewell said “My family loved to eat on that yacht"
I was touched by the picture of Mark Bell with his arms around the kids just after he was sentenced to jail for his DUI. I guess his excuse was valid; he was doing an emergency 3:00 AM toy-run.
The new president of the Canadian Medical Association was in Toronto to start an urgent debate on the 40 year old health care system and his argument for change was couched in a sports metaphor. “You wouldn’t keep spending enormous sums of money on a team for 40 years and not expect results.” Do I really have to finish this joke?
The Texas Rangers scored a record 30 runs on Wednesday is a desperate attempt to show management they don’t need George Bush back when he limps through his Presidency.
A 59 year old man has made the Sul Ross State Division III football team in a story that has touched America and forced the NY Yankees to add 6 years to Roger Clemmons option. Mike Flynt a self-made millionaire said he always wanted to go back to college and realize his one big unfulfilled dream, to nail a cheerleader.
Jerome Bettis says in his new book he faked an injury in training camp to avoid getting cut and losing his salary. NFL veterans were horrified saying the only reason to fake an injury in training camp is to avoid training camp. Bettis says he cheated the team because he knew “they were trying to pull on me”, a valuable lesson in honesty for all you kiddies out there.
Illinois guard Jamar Smith will be forced to sit out a full year after being found guilty of DUI and causing an accident. Asked what he learned from this experience Smith replied “I should have said yes to the trade with the Toronto Maple Leafs”.
NASA has now admitted the reason it brought back the Space Shuttle early was not because of the Hurricane threat but the PGA had rented their computers to figure out the scoring system of the Fed Ex Cup.
Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs has ended his contract holdout saying “It wasn’t about the money”. Holding out for more money is now code for wanting better seating on the team bus.
After turning down a $21 million contract because “I have a family to feed” ex NBA star Latrell Sprewell had his yacht confiscated for not paying the mortgage. Asked to comment Sprewell said “My family loved to eat on that yacht"
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Desperately Seeking Scout
One of the things Michael Vick can look forward to in prison is he will probably be the pick of the litter.
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu has reportedly been diagnosed with a nervous breakdown after being disciplined for not attending a tournament. This is the most serious meltdown of an adult in diapers since Lisa Nowak of NASA.
With the NHL unveiling the new form fitting jerseys there hasn’t been this much interest in tight sweaters since Jessica Alba said she was chilly.
David Ortiz is putting his $200,000 Mercedes up for auction on E-Bay and will drive it to your house if your bid is accepted. Word is NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is interested as long as he can pick the day and place it is to be delivered.
The ball hit by Barry Bonds to break Hank Aarons home run record is going on E-Bay in what is being touted as a Big Ball Event, which is ironic since most balls affected by steroids get smaller.
Organizers of a marathon race in Scotland around the fabled home of the Loch Ness Monster have taken out a $2 million dollar insurance policy in case a participant is eaten during the event. This is not only a record amount spent on a monster insurance policy but the most money ever wasted by a Scotsman.
After watching a DVD of the 1972 Canada-Russia Hockey Series the biggest question Team Canada’s junior players had was “how could they skate with those big muttonchops?
You would think one of the NBA General Managers would think about hiring Eva Longeria to be a European scout because you have to admit she has an eye for talent. The NBA says its next big expansion will be in Europe once they find away around the anti-terrorism laws that won’t allow some of the NBA players back into the US once they have left. There was talk of expansion to Mexico but then they realized they already had 2 teams in Los Angles.
The Vancouver Canucks re-signed Trevor Linden for his 18th season in the NHL. Linden says he hopes he can play as long as some of the idols he worshipped growing up as a kid like Chris Chellios.
NY Giants quarterback Eli Manning and former Giant Tiki Barber are in a dust-up over comments Barber made that questioned Mannings lack of fire. Asked to comment Manning said “yeah well how many Super Bowl rings does his brother have?”
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu has reportedly been diagnosed with a nervous breakdown after being disciplined for not attending a tournament. This is the most serious meltdown of an adult in diapers since Lisa Nowak of NASA.
With the NHL unveiling the new form fitting jerseys there hasn’t been this much interest in tight sweaters since Jessica Alba said she was chilly.
David Ortiz is putting his $200,000 Mercedes up for auction on E-Bay and will drive it to your house if your bid is accepted. Word is NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is interested as long as he can pick the day and place it is to be delivered.
The ball hit by Barry Bonds to break Hank Aarons home run record is going on E-Bay in what is being touted as a Big Ball Event, which is ironic since most balls affected by steroids get smaller.
Organizers of a marathon race in Scotland around the fabled home of the Loch Ness Monster have taken out a $2 million dollar insurance policy in case a participant is eaten during the event. This is not only a record amount spent on a monster insurance policy but the most money ever wasted by a Scotsman.
After watching a DVD of the 1972 Canada-Russia Hockey Series the biggest question Team Canada’s junior players had was “how could they skate with those big muttonchops?
You would think one of the NBA General Managers would think about hiring Eva Longeria to be a European scout because you have to admit she has an eye for talent. The NBA says its next big expansion will be in Europe once they find away around the anti-terrorism laws that won’t allow some of the NBA players back into the US once they have left. There was talk of expansion to Mexico but then they realized they already had 2 teams in Los Angles.
The Vancouver Canucks re-signed Trevor Linden for his 18th season in the NHL. Linden says he hopes he can play as long as some of the idols he worshipped growing up as a kid like Chris Chellios.
NY Giants quarterback Eli Manning and former Giant Tiki Barber are in a dust-up over comments Barber made that questioned Mannings lack of fire. Asked to comment Manning said “yeah well how many Super Bowl rings does his brother have?”
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Bean Air Dung That
In the ongoing troubles of Michael Vick I guess if you add in the judge and jury this snitch in time saved nine. After lying to his team, the NFL and the fans that paid him millions it is pretty obvious that the secret compartment in the water bottle he was carrying contained his self respect. Now that he has used up his favorite name for a gonorrhea treatment what will his friends call him in prison? Let’s hope PETA doesn’t have a branch office in prison. I guess you can’t blame him for lying, his strongest asset as a quarterback was the misdirection play.
I’m pretty sure when Sam Pollock arrives in heaven he will try to get the rights to all the French Canadian players for his team.
The World 100 meter record holder Asafa Powell told reporters he spent 6 hours at 3 different Clubs before arriving for a workout 4 hours later. He said it was just a coincidence that his best time for the day was 10.08.
The NY Mets have added 41 year old Jeff Conine in what has become a race with the NY Yankees to see who can field the oldest team. The teams are so old the pre-game meal is a blue plate special, so old their socks are held up by support hose, so old their clubhouse music has no ho’s capping your bro’s, so old they can remember when Regis was actually funny.
In an effort to appeal to their young fans the Vancouver Canucks will make their 3rd jersey entirely from hemp. They plan to unveil a new light green logo and are actively trying to get the rights to the slogan “This Buds for You”.
In order to protect themselves from lawsuits the Edmonton Eskimos have banned liquor from their dressing room and the way they are playing no one is going to get drunk with power.
I’m not sure what is worrying sports team owners more losing money in the sub-prime market or losing money in the over-prime player market.
You have to love the crowds in Regina. When the lights went out half of the older crowd felt they had better go home and the other half walked them there. The people inside Mosaic stadium were frightened because the lights don’t usually go out on a Saturday night in Regina until 12:00.
After seeing Rex Grossman fumble 3 times, throw an interception and rush for -1 yards in limited plays it’s good to see he is already in mid-season form.
To try and compare the 1972 Super Series between Canada and Russia to the upcoming one featuring teenagers from both countries would be unfair. Mostly today’s kids are smarter so if the Russian Police was going to take Eagleson away, I think they would have let them.
Wonder what the favorite part of the year is to an Edmonton Eskimo wife? Bye Week!
A judge has dropped some of the assault charges against Anthony Scirrotto of Penn State who last year led the Big 10 in interceptions. Chris Baker a back-up defensive tackle also charged in the brawl will have to wait for his fate until his scouting report is reviewed.
Phil Knight and his wife Penny gave $100 million to the University of Oregon to create a foundation which will help them build a new arena for the basketball team. Knight said he considered giving some of the money to the sweatshop workers who made his product but they refused to name their sons after him.
China State Radio announced taking 1.3 million cars off the road successfully improved air quality in the city of Beijing. In order to try and improve the quality even further officials are going to monitor the air after next month’s cabbage and bean ban.
The Clemson Tigers are requiring season ticket holders to cough up more money in the form of “donations” for 2008 or face losing their seats. The request is coming from the Clemson Booster Group who says it’s not about the money it’s about the geeks running the Booster Club getting their revenge.
I’m pretty sure when Sam Pollock arrives in heaven he will try to get the rights to all the French Canadian players for his team.
The World 100 meter record holder Asafa Powell told reporters he spent 6 hours at 3 different Clubs before arriving for a workout 4 hours later. He said it was just a coincidence that his best time for the day was 10.08.
The NY Mets have added 41 year old Jeff Conine in what has become a race with the NY Yankees to see who can field the oldest team. The teams are so old the pre-game meal is a blue plate special, so old their socks are held up by support hose, so old their clubhouse music has no ho’s capping your bro’s, so old they can remember when Regis was actually funny.
In an effort to appeal to their young fans the Vancouver Canucks will make their 3rd jersey entirely from hemp. They plan to unveil a new light green logo and are actively trying to get the rights to the slogan “This Buds for You”.
In order to protect themselves from lawsuits the Edmonton Eskimos have banned liquor from their dressing room and the way they are playing no one is going to get drunk with power.
I’m not sure what is worrying sports team owners more losing money in the sub-prime market or losing money in the over-prime player market.
You have to love the crowds in Regina. When the lights went out half of the older crowd felt they had better go home and the other half walked them there. The people inside Mosaic stadium were frightened because the lights don’t usually go out on a Saturday night in Regina until 12:00.
After seeing Rex Grossman fumble 3 times, throw an interception and rush for -1 yards in limited plays it’s good to see he is already in mid-season form.
To try and compare the 1972 Super Series between Canada and Russia to the upcoming one featuring teenagers from both countries would be unfair. Mostly today’s kids are smarter so if the Russian Police was going to take Eagleson away, I think they would have let them.
Wonder what the favorite part of the year is to an Edmonton Eskimo wife? Bye Week!
A judge has dropped some of the assault charges against Anthony Scirrotto of Penn State who last year led the Big 10 in interceptions. Chris Baker a back-up defensive tackle also charged in the brawl will have to wait for his fate until his scouting report is reviewed.
Phil Knight and his wife Penny gave $100 million to the University of Oregon to create a foundation which will help them build a new arena for the basketball team. Knight said he considered giving some of the money to the sweatshop workers who made his product but they refused to name their sons after him.
China State Radio announced taking 1.3 million cars off the road successfully improved air quality in the city of Beijing. In order to try and improve the quality even further officials are going to monitor the air after next month’s cabbage and bean ban.
The Clemson Tigers are requiring season ticket holders to cough up more money in the form of “donations” for 2008 or face losing their seats. The request is coming from the Clemson Booster Group who says it’s not about the money it’s about the geeks running the Booster Club getting their revenge.
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