A man wearing a Texas Longhorns Tee shirt was nearly castrated after attending a bar in Okalahoma home of the Sooners. Patrons at the bar said he was nuts to wear the shirt but were pretty sure he wouldn’t have the balls to do it again.
Scientists have discovered early humans had no Achilles tendon which made them less mobile than the average Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman.
NY Knicks Stephon Marbury said he laughed out loud when told of a sexual harassment suit against coach Isiah Thomas. He said it can’t be harassment when you make as much money as he does.
The NHL has suspended Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mark Bell for 15 games, 1 game for each drink he had before climbing into his car to drive home.
Tiger Woods says he will miss the PGA Grand Slam in order to spend time with his daughter. Asked to comment members of the PGA hoped Tiger would have many more children in the future.
Russia is having a baby crisis and is paying couples to stay at home to get pregnant. If that doesn’t work officials hope to have Travis Henry come in and do a seminar.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Sign, Sign Everybody Sign
Rick Ankiel has insisted he did not receive a shipment of Human Growth Hormone the product was mislabeled it was actually Hair Growth Hormone.
With so many doubts as to who is taking drugs here are the top 6 signs your favorite player is not taking performance enhancing drugs:
#6 Gives you an autograph instead of ripping up the card and screaming in your face
#5 Coach describes him as unwilling to sacrifice for the team
# 4 Has to stand next to the kicker to seem pumped
#3 Signs for packages in a clear signature
#2 Teammates refer to him as the designated pee-er
#1 Sits on the bench a lot
Asafa Powell set a world 100 meter record of 9.74 seconds but it was still not as fast as Tom Brady left his girlfriend when he heard he was going to be a father or Tiki Barber burned his bridges with the NY Giants.
After seeing the less than spectacular statistics of NFL quarterbacks Rex Grossman and JP Losman teams might want to take pass on the next group of quarterbacks including Terry Threenout and Nelson Nogain.
The Pope says selfish people are causing the current baby bust and people should follow the example set by NBA players.
Seeing so many NFL players being carried off the field the most important 12th man is now the medic.
After watching the NFL game between Buffalo and Denver coaches may think again when they ask the special team players to get downfield at breakneck speed.
After having a wrist injury, tonsils removed and now a knee injury Greg Oden is not so much a homeboy as a HMOboy.
JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders agreed on a contract that included incentives for wins, touchdowns and ambulatory trips.
I’m not saying the NFL has problems with steroids but the trainers are now over 300 lbs.
I remember the good old days when players were day to day with injuries not as a prognosis for living.
Baseball is mired in the Signature Steroid scandal which revolves around players signing for HGH shipments. In an effort to educate the players on the consequences MLB has hired doctors to train the players how to make their signatures illegible.
Arizona quarterback Matt Leinhart was good on 12 of 14 pass attempts this weekend; unfortunately it was on a Saturday at a Nightclub.
Former NFL player and Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas was charged with drug and weapons possession. It is the first time a Fox reporter has been accused of shooting off more than his mouth.
The New England Patriots were under suspicion for using and unauthorized person to video tape the plays called by the NY Jets on Sunday. A spokesman for the Patriots said it was all just a misunderstanding; the person was just looking for babes to meet with Tom Brady after the game.
Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams was charged with possession of marijuana, driving without a license and having an unlicensed vehicle. Officers said they became concerned when the vehicle he was in signaled to make a lane change at 3:00 AM. This is considered highly suspicious behavior.
The Fed-Ex Cup is ending this weekend with the winner getting a $10 million bonus. The cheque well be deferred as they seem to have lost it somewhere in the delivery system.
With so many doubts as to who is taking drugs here are the top 6 signs your favorite player is not taking performance enhancing drugs:
#6 Gives you an autograph instead of ripping up the card and screaming in your face
#5 Coach describes him as unwilling to sacrifice for the team
# 4 Has to stand next to the kicker to seem pumped
#3 Signs for packages in a clear signature
#2 Teammates refer to him as the designated pee-er
#1 Sits on the bench a lot
Asafa Powell set a world 100 meter record of 9.74 seconds but it was still not as fast as Tom Brady left his girlfriend when he heard he was going to be a father or Tiki Barber burned his bridges with the NY Giants.
After seeing the less than spectacular statistics of NFL quarterbacks Rex Grossman and JP Losman teams might want to take pass on the next group of quarterbacks including Terry Threenout and Nelson Nogain.
The Pope says selfish people are causing the current baby bust and people should follow the example set by NBA players.
Seeing so many NFL players being carried off the field the most important 12th man is now the medic.
After watching the NFL game between Buffalo and Denver coaches may think again when they ask the special team players to get downfield at breakneck speed.
After having a wrist injury, tonsils removed and now a knee injury Greg Oden is not so much a homeboy as a HMOboy.
JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders agreed on a contract that included incentives for wins, touchdowns and ambulatory trips.
I’m not saying the NFL has problems with steroids but the trainers are now over 300 lbs.
I remember the good old days when players were day to day with injuries not as a prognosis for living.
Baseball is mired in the Signature Steroid scandal which revolves around players signing for HGH shipments. In an effort to educate the players on the consequences MLB has hired doctors to train the players how to make their signatures illegible.
Arizona quarterback Matt Leinhart was good on 12 of 14 pass attempts this weekend; unfortunately it was on a Saturday at a Nightclub.
Former NFL player and Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas was charged with drug and weapons possession. It is the first time a Fox reporter has been accused of shooting off more than his mouth.
The New England Patriots were under suspicion for using and unauthorized person to video tape the plays called by the NY Jets on Sunday. A spokesman for the Patriots said it was all just a misunderstanding; the person was just looking for babes to meet with Tom Brady after the game.
Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams was charged with possession of marijuana, driving without a license and having an unlicensed vehicle. Officers said they became concerned when the vehicle he was in signaled to make a lane change at 3:00 AM. This is considered highly suspicious behavior.
The Fed-Ex Cup is ending this weekend with the winner getting a $10 million bonus. The cheque well be deferred as they seem to have lost it somewhere in the delivery system.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Clothes Call
With David Beckham likely out for the year with another leg injury this is the most crippling blow to soccer in the US since…
“Football was invented”
“Female players stopped taking off their shirts after scoring goals”
Ryan Broyles a 19 year old freshman football player at the University of Oklahoma was charged with stealing gas by driving away from a convenience store. Broyles said he needed to steal the gas because…
“His under the table payment was late”
“He was short a little for his Ethics textbook”
NFL player Travis Henry has fathered 9 children with 9 different women thus earning him the title…
“Player of the Year”
“USC without a Trojan”
Workers who clean-up Orioles Park at Camden Yards are going on a hunger strike to protest low wages. Meanwhile fans at the park are going on a hunger strike to protest…
“Lack of meat in the Hot Dogs”
“Lack of a clean-up hitter”
Top 3 Signs Your WWE favorite may be on steroids…
#3 His wrestling name is “The Veterinarian”
#2 Destroys Hotel in a fit of anger over lack of ketchup
#1 Wears girls bikini briefs and no one notices
Terry Francona the manager for the Boston Red Sox was confronted by the MLB fashion police during a game with the NY Yankees. Officials with MLB were embarrassed saying…
“The officer was supposed to wait until the game was sewn up”
“The officer should not have interrupted him while the game was hanging by a thread”
"The infraction really was too clothes to call"
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Homer Court Advantage
AJ Gass has had his suspension, like the helmet he threw 30 yards tossed. The arbitrator an admitted Edmonton Eskimo fan said in making his ruling he looked at game film, precedents and the cost of his season tickets.
Ex NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was arrested after being caught skateboarding in a prohibited area a violation of his probation which required him to “grow up”.
Jacques Villeneuve is finding the adjustment from formula 1 racing to the NASCAR truck series difficult. The biggest obstacle is dealing with the distraction of the fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was so upset with his team that interpreters for the club said he went on a profanity lace tirade.
David Beckham will likely miss the next 4 weeks while recovering from an ankle injury. Spokesman for the Galaxy say Beckham will still be on the sidelines in order to lend support for the team flirt with the crowd.
After toying with the Milwaukee Bucks Chinese basketball star Yi Jianlian decided to get the lead out and sign a contract.
Ex NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was arrested after being caught skateboarding in a prohibited area a violation of his probation which required him to “grow up”.
Jacques Villeneuve is finding the adjustment from formula 1 racing to the NASCAR truck series difficult. The biggest obstacle is dealing with the distraction of the fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was so upset with his team that interpreters for the club said he went on a profanity lace tirade.
David Beckham will likely miss the next 4 weeks while recovering from an ankle injury. Spokesman for the Galaxy say Beckham will still be on the sidelines in order to lend support for the team flirt with the crowd.
After toying with the Milwaukee Bucks Chinese basketball star Yi Jianlian decided to get the lead out and sign a contract.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Full Metal Posse
Scientists have discovered microbes in the Canadian permafrost alive after hundreds of thousands of years many in such good condition they are still holding their original NY Yankees contract.
Disgraced Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu is now being charged with tax evasion. An official with the Sumo Wrestling authority was asked if he would consider reinstating the wrestler replied “fat chance”.
Canadian Wheelchair Basketball player Shawn Watson has tested positive for steroid use and is waiving his rights to a hearing because he doesn’t feel he has a leg to stand on.
Rafer Alston of the Huston Rockets was charged with his second assault in the past few weeks and when asked if he plans to go for a triple said “I might take a stab at it”.
A judge in New York has upheld the ban on metal bats in organized ball saying they should be left in the hands of legitimate NBA posses.
Bridget Moynahan has announced the name of the baby she had with ex boyfriend Tom Brady will be John Edward Thomas and she will call him JET for the way Brady took off when he discovered he was a father.
Disgraced Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu is now being charged with tax evasion. An official with the Sumo Wrestling authority was asked if he would consider reinstating the wrestler replied “fat chance”.
Canadian Wheelchair Basketball player Shawn Watson has tested positive for steroid use and is waiving his rights to a hearing because he doesn’t feel he has a leg to stand on.
Rafer Alston of the Huston Rockets was charged with his second assault in the past few weeks and when asked if he plans to go for a triple said “I might take a stab at it”.
A judge in New York has upheld the ban on metal bats in organized ball saying they should be left in the hands of legitimate NBA posses.
Bridget Moynahan has announced the name of the baby she had with ex boyfriend Tom Brady will be John Edward Thomas and she will call him JET for the way Brady took off when he discovered he was a father.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Teacher Petting
After admitting to the charges surrounding his involvement in organized dog fighting Michael Vick says he has found God which makes him a bone again Christian.
After crashing his Lamborghini Murcielago into a light pole Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tried to deflect his involvement by saying he had lent it to Eddie Griffin.
The crash was the biggest wreck by a Chicago Bear since Rex Groosman started at the Super Bowl.
The Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees 16-0 the most upsetting loss to the team since the clubhouse boy misplaced their little black books.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have announced plans to install the largest HD TV in the world. When told of this the owners of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays announced they are considering a bigger one so that fans won’t have to watch what is happening on the field.
Former NBA great Reggie Miller says he will not consider coming out of retirement saying you have to be all in or all out and I am turning all about. He then did the hockey pokey and left.
With all the college athletes being charged with crimes one of the new must have back to school supplies is a lawyer. I remember the old days when students slept withtheir girlfriends which drove their teachers to drink and now they are driving drunk and sleeping with their teachers.
After crashing his Lamborghini Murcielago into a light pole Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tried to deflect his involvement by saying he had lent it to Eddie Griffin.
The crash was the biggest wreck by a Chicago Bear since Rex Groosman started at the Super Bowl.
The Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees 16-0 the most upsetting loss to the team since the clubhouse boy misplaced their little black books.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have announced plans to install the largest HD TV in the world. When told of this the owners of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays announced they are considering a bigger one so that fans won’t have to watch what is happening on the field.
Former NBA great Reggie Miller says he will not consider coming out of retirement saying you have to be all in or all out and I am turning all about. He then did the hockey pokey and left.
With all the college athletes being charged with crimes one of the new must have back to school supplies is a lawyer. I remember the old days when students slept withtheir girlfriends which drove their teachers to drink and now they are driving drunk and sleeping with their teachers.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Designing Housewives
Actor Bill Murray was arrested for drunk driving in a golf cart on the streets of Stockholm Sweden prompting the headline…“Caddy Smashed”
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and plans to incorporate virtual games such as interactive handball.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to many professional athletes wives who go months not talking to their husbands because they score too much.
Top 3 Signs Your Star Player is Not Taking the Pre Season Seriously…
#3 “Calls a time-out to order a decaf half fat double shot frappachino”
#2 “Instead of cleats is wearing his favorite crocks”
#1 “While on the sidelines practices his routine for Dancing with the Stars”
The Fed-Ex Cup golf scoring system is so complicated it took Tiger Woods 2 weeks to realize he didn’t have to show up and still win it all”
Jockey Russell Baze was suspended for 15 days and fined for using his whip on an injured horse that later died. Asked to explain his actions Baze said something just Triggered him.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be one of the next contestants on the show Dancing with the Stars. According to former player Steve Nash, Cuban will excel at the Hustle.
At a press conference Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby unveiled his new line of clothing. Representatives for Rebok say they came up with the idea after watching Crosby undress opponents on the ice.
Temperatures at the World Track and Field Championships have reached over 104 degrees. It was so hot athletes were straining their groins just to get an ice pack.
Top 3 Signs your big NHL free agent signing is getting too arrogant
#3 Tries to trade your goalie for his former teams masseuse
#2 Demands to get dressed in the owners luxury suite
#1 Hires his model wife to design “fabulous” new uniforms
David Wells was signed by the Los Angles Dodgers in a contract that was prorated for the balance of the season and included seats in the all you can eat section. The deal was expensive and cost the Dodgers an arm and leg of lamb. David says he looks “sexy” in his new uniform so I guess he’s got his sexy fat.
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and plans to incorporate virtual games such as interactive handball.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to many professional athletes wives who go months not talking to their husbands because they score too much.
Top 3 Signs Your Star Player is Not Taking the Pre Season Seriously…
#3 “Calls a time-out to order a decaf half fat double shot frappachino”
#2 “Instead of cleats is wearing his favorite crocks”
#1 “While on the sidelines practices his routine for Dancing with the Stars”
The Fed-Ex Cup golf scoring system is so complicated it took Tiger Woods 2 weeks to realize he didn’t have to show up and still win it all”
Jockey Russell Baze was suspended for 15 days and fined for using his whip on an injured horse that later died. Asked to explain his actions Baze said something just Triggered him.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be one of the next contestants on the show Dancing with the Stars. According to former player Steve Nash, Cuban will excel at the Hustle.
At a press conference Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby unveiled his new line of clothing. Representatives for Rebok say they came up with the idea after watching Crosby undress opponents on the ice.
Temperatures at the World Track and Field Championships have reached over 104 degrees. It was so hot athletes were straining their groins just to get an ice pack.
Top 3 Signs your big NHL free agent signing is getting too arrogant
#3 Tries to trade your goalie for his former teams masseuse
#2 Demands to get dressed in the owners luxury suite
#1 Hires his model wife to design “fabulous” new uniforms
David Wells was signed by the Los Angles Dodgers in a contract that was prorated for the balance of the season and included seats in the all you can eat section. The deal was expensive and cost the Dodgers an arm and leg of lamb. David says he looks “sexy” in his new uniform so I guess he’s got his sexy fat.
With tainted records in baseball, a crooked referee in basketball, morally bankrupt behavior in football, positive drug tests in cycling and allegations of match fixing in tennis the world of sports is beginning to look like a really bad episode of Hero’s.
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