The Russian paper Pravda is accusing Team Canada of doping saying “Were they on drugs the day they beat Russia?” A spokesman for Team Canada was not surprised by the allegations as they have so much experience doping athletes they can’t help but be suspicious.
A report for the Saskatchewan Roughriders say a domed stadium will cost $380 million but they are waiting for someone to add up the numbers again just to be safe.
Top 5 signs Russia is unhappy with their Olympic results
# 5 Athletes get a 4 month layover in Siberia on the way to Moscow
# 4 Biathletes new training schedule involves coaches with guns
# 3 Water bottles now filled with water instead of vodka
# 2 New ski jump ramp ends at a cliff
# 1 Sport officials say they need better drugs to catch up with competition
John Terry says he wasn’t upset Wayne Bridge didn’t shake his hand as his girlfriend has shaken her booty for him earlier
NASA says they have discovered ice on the dark side of the moon. The findings will be verified by Russia when they send the national hockey team to train for the next Olympics
Devoting a full day of your network to the NHL trade deadline...tens of thousands of dollars, make-up, hair dye and teeth whitener for the experts..... thousands of dollars... coffee and donuts hundreds of dollars... watching pundits spend hours debating if a 7th defenseman is worth a 4th or 5th round pick... priceless
After the PM of Russia demanded they resign the head of the Olympic Committee complied saying he wanted to spend more time with his family once they are released
Tiger Woods was released from sex therapy and quickly denied reports he was at a swingers club saying he was swinging a club
In attempt to burnish his image again Tiger has hired Olympic performer Catherine O’hara to perform his next round of apologies
The bigger Olympic story... Sidney Crosby's stick or William Shatner’s shtick... discuss
In light of the patriotism shown during the Olympics the Government wants to change the lyrics to O Canada but first have to find a hockey line that rhymes with kicked USA’s ass...
I want to be an Olympic athlete so I’m off to McDonalds to start my training
The Government is looking at ways to reduce the cost of texting when they discovered the cost of sending the message “We won hockey Gold!!!” really was priceless
Chad Ochocinco is defending his latest video of him running through a park naked saying it’s part of his application for Dangling with the Stars
The video was just a miscommunication says Chad. When he talked to the producers of Dancing with the Stars they wanted him to bring out his quirky side saying... show us you’re nuts
A poll showed 40% of BC residents say they will never experience a high like the Olympics with the rest saying it will take until their crops dry
Friday, March 5, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Final Column
Korean skater Yuna Kim is a pop star in her country which is only fitting as their flag looks like the Pepsi logo
Competitors are calling Kevin Martin the Michael Jordan of curling except he doesn’t rock the rim he rolls it up
Having all the women figure skaters do a move that requires them to grab their leg, hold it over their head and glide around the ice surface seems inappropriate. I guess the IOC is concerned about gender identity and have incorporated the Chick Check as a way of verifying.
The Canadian women hockey players are being ripped after drinking and smoking a cigar following their gold medal win. Officials with the IOC were livid as it showed disrespect, set a bad example and used up party supplies reserved for them.
The scene is being hailed by the Taliban as an example of why women should not be allowed to play sports or be out in public and by adult film companies as the beginning of a really good movie.
The IOC is especially upset because after all the effort they went to prevent the little ladies from hurting themselves in ski jumping they go and do something that could have broke a nail.
The IOC might have to remove the women from Olympic hockey because there isn’t enough competition. Asked to explain why Nordic skiing, which has been consistently dominated by Countries such as Norway, Sweden and Finland, should not also be removed an official was indignant saying the men clearly had better genetics and when they win they share the cigars and liquor.
If women are not allowed to play then I just know Gary Bettman will refuse on the grounds of equal rights.
Top 5 signs your Winter Olympic sport may be cancelled
# 5 Uniforms have less than 50% sequins
# 4 No judges to influence the outcome
# 3 Relies on Gatorade instead of gunpowder
# 2 North Americans love it
# 1 You don’t need an interpreter to understand the rules
Blind Canadian Olympic skier Brian McKeever was denied a chance to become the 1st athlete to compete in both the Olympics and Paralympics when he was not included on the men’s 50 km relay race. Asked to comment McKeever says he never saw it coming
It took until overtime but finally Canada... it’s Miller Time!
Not sure where there was more elbowing at the Canada-US game or Jack Layton trying to get his face on TV at Gretzkys Bar in Toronto...
The PM has such massive powers so how come he couldn’t prorogue Nickleback from the closing ceremony?
Competitors are calling Kevin Martin the Michael Jordan of curling except he doesn’t rock the rim he rolls it up
Having all the women figure skaters do a move that requires them to grab their leg, hold it over their head and glide around the ice surface seems inappropriate. I guess the IOC is concerned about gender identity and have incorporated the Chick Check as a way of verifying.
The Canadian women hockey players are being ripped after drinking and smoking a cigar following their gold medal win. Officials with the IOC were livid as it showed disrespect, set a bad example and used up party supplies reserved for them.
The scene is being hailed by the Taliban as an example of why women should not be allowed to play sports or be out in public and by adult film companies as the beginning of a really good movie.
The IOC is especially upset because after all the effort they went to prevent the little ladies from hurting themselves in ski jumping they go and do something that could have broke a nail.
The IOC might have to remove the women from Olympic hockey because there isn’t enough competition. Asked to explain why Nordic skiing, which has been consistently dominated by Countries such as Norway, Sweden and Finland, should not also be removed an official was indignant saying the men clearly had better genetics and when they win they share the cigars and liquor.
If women are not allowed to play then I just know Gary Bettman will refuse on the grounds of equal rights.
Top 5 signs your Winter Olympic sport may be cancelled
# 5 Uniforms have less than 50% sequins
# 4 No judges to influence the outcome
# 3 Relies on Gatorade instead of gunpowder
# 2 North Americans love it
# 1 You don’t need an interpreter to understand the rules
Blind Canadian Olympic skier Brian McKeever was denied a chance to become the 1st athlete to compete in both the Olympics and Paralympics when he was not included on the men’s 50 km relay race. Asked to comment McKeever says he never saw it coming
It took until overtime but finally Canada... it’s Miller Time!
Not sure where there was more elbowing at the Canada-US game or Jack Layton trying to get his face on TV at Gretzkys Bar in Toronto...
The PM has such massive powers so how come he couldn’t prorogue Nickleback from the closing ceremony?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Column 11
The International Association of Pole Dancers has applied to be an Olympic sport causing Vanoc to reply great just what we need something else to make it rain
Players from the NHL teams are back at work with most saying they spent their downtime somewhere warm, at the Winter Olympics
After throwing in the towel earlier this week the Canadian Olympic Committee says they need more Government support. More money for a group that claims they are inefficient and quit when there is the slightest trouble who do they think they are auto workers?
Female bob sledders have a similar area to the figure skaters “kiss and cry” only it’s called the “lift and pry”
American skier Lindsey Vonn broke her finger during a race and now has nothing to wrap all the male admirers around
Canadian Olympic gold medal winners say they will donate their bonuses to the needy which caused the CFL Players Association to say “thanks”
Health care given to the athletes and officials from the Olympics is really busy with officials saying the longest line-ups are for MRI’s, dental work and medical marijuana
Since almost all our medals are from the woman athletes’ maybe we should have called it “Own the Estrogen”
With the collapse of their financial system Greece is demanding the return of the Olympic flame saying they can’t get a decent riot started
World weather agencies are meeting to discuss the scandals with reporting of data. Among the items up for discussion creating accurate data, more open scrutiny and adding Olympic style costumes to their spins and twists
While nursing a bad chest cold Canadian skip Cheryl Bernard said rumours she had posed nude were a fabrication adding the only ones to see her nude were her husband and Dr. This was met with an avalanche of offers to help diagnose her cold.
Canadian women’s alternate curler Kristie Moore was called upon to take a shot this week prompting her to say it was good practice for her upcoming delivery with everyone yelling hurry... hurry...
Players from the NHL teams are back at work with most saying they spent their downtime somewhere warm, at the Winter Olympics
After throwing in the towel earlier this week the Canadian Olympic Committee says they need more Government support. More money for a group that claims they are inefficient and quit when there is the slightest trouble who do they think they are auto workers?
Female bob sledders have a similar area to the figure skaters “kiss and cry” only it’s called the “lift and pry”
American skier Lindsey Vonn broke her finger during a race and now has nothing to wrap all the male admirers around
Canadian Olympic gold medal winners say they will donate their bonuses to the needy which caused the CFL Players Association to say “thanks”
Health care given to the athletes and officials from the Olympics is really busy with officials saying the longest line-ups are for MRI’s, dental work and medical marijuana
Since almost all our medals are from the woman athletes’ maybe we should have called it “Own the Estrogen”
With the collapse of their financial system Greece is demanding the return of the Olympic flame saying they can’t get a decent riot started
World weather agencies are meeting to discuss the scandals with reporting of data. Among the items up for discussion creating accurate data, more open scrutiny and adding Olympic style costumes to their spins and twists
While nursing a bad chest cold Canadian skip Cheryl Bernard said rumours she had posed nude were a fabrication adding the only ones to see her nude were her husband and Dr. This was met with an avalanche of offers to help diagnose her cold.
Canadian women’s alternate curler Kristie Moore was called upon to take a shot this week prompting her to say it was good practice for her upcoming delivery with everyone yelling hurry... hurry...
Column 10
Doctors in the US are demanding a recall of all hot dogs saying they pose a choking hazard and in a related topic Olympic hotdoggers are being checked for chocking during medal runs.
Over 50% of food vendors have been cited for violations at the Olympic Games which explains why even when curling isn’t on tap people can be heard yelling “Hurry... Hurry... Hard...”
Instead of going for gold many spectators seem to be going for... ever!
After seeing the ratings numbers for Tiger Woods apology the Canadian Olympic Officials are setting world records beating competitors to the “I’m sorry” microphone.
David Letterman and former President Bill Clinton were expected to be in attendance for some Olympic curling then they found out it was a different kind of in turn
Japan is blaming their poor performance in the bobsleigh on a sled made by Toyota before they began to go wildly out of control
Greece has broken out in riots over austerity measures caused by a massive budget deficit. Out of concern for public safety Greek officials are asking Canada to keep the Olympic flame for a while until they get the rioters under control.
Anyone who has tried to get around Vancouver without a map can sympathise with the coach of the Netherlands sending his athlete on the wrong lane
Parents at the Canada-Germany hockey game were telling their children the noise is Lou... not boo... and then the politicians came in and spoiled it...
Athletes and Olympic officials from all over the world are taking advantage of the free medical and dental available to them. This has created a new rallying call for the British athletes... “Brace yourself”
Over 50% of food vendors have been cited for violations at the Olympic Games which explains why even when curling isn’t on tap people can be heard yelling “Hurry... Hurry... Hard...”
Instead of going for gold many spectators seem to be going for... ever!
After seeing the ratings numbers for Tiger Woods apology the Canadian Olympic Officials are setting world records beating competitors to the “I’m sorry” microphone.
David Letterman and former President Bill Clinton were expected to be in attendance for some Olympic curling then they found out it was a different kind of in turn
Japan is blaming their poor performance in the bobsleigh on a sled made by Toyota before they began to go wildly out of control
Greece has broken out in riots over austerity measures caused by a massive budget deficit. Out of concern for public safety Greek officials are asking Canada to keep the Olympic flame for a while until they get the rioters under control.
Anyone who has tried to get around Vancouver without a map can sympathise with the coach of the Netherlands sending his athlete on the wrong lane
Parents at the Canada-Germany hockey game were telling their children the noise is Lou... not boo... and then the politicians came in and spoiled it...
Athletes and Olympic officials from all over the world are taking advantage of the free medical and dental available to them. This has created a new rallying call for the British athletes... “Brace yourself”
Column 9
Ski cross is a combination of skiing and the Red Cross coming to your rescue.
How good were the events I watched? I was having a hard time distinguishing the Swiss athletes from the medics.
I picking the US for speed in the broken leg repair, the Israelis get top marks for diagnosis and the Transylvanians gold in forensics...
Top 5 slogans for the 2014 Winter Olympic team
# 5 Podium Schmodium
# 4 After You...
# 3 Fighting for 4th or 5th
# 2 Own the Oxygen
# 1 Cheered by Canadians no matter the result
How good were the events I watched? I was having a hard time distinguishing the Swiss athletes from the medics.
I picking the US for speed in the broken leg repair, the Israelis get top marks for diagnosis and the Transylvanians gold in forensics...
Top 5 slogans for the 2014 Winter Olympic team
# 5 Podium Schmodium
# 4 After You...
# 3 Fighting for 4th or 5th
# 2 Own the Oxygen
# 1 Cheered by Canadians no matter the result
Column 8
Top 5 signs the figure skater is out of shape
# 5 Adds chocolate ice cream to his Gatorade
# 4 His tight size is XXXL
# 3 Stops before each jump to catch his breath
# 2 Took out a competitor with a sequin while doing up his jumpsuit
# 1 Names all his signature moves after donuts
Police at the Vancouver Games are being reminded the motto “To Serve and Protect” is not just for beer
In what has to be a 1st Virtue is in a position to be a medalist at the Games
Each Olympic sport has a key catch phrase. Hockey has goal, bobsleigh has run and ski cross has medic!
# 5 Adds chocolate ice cream to his Gatorade
# 4 His tight size is XXXL
# 3 Stops before each jump to catch his breath
# 2 Took out a competitor with a sequin while doing up his jumpsuit
# 1 Names all his signature moves after donuts
Police at the Vancouver Games are being reminded the motto “To Serve and Protect” is not just for beer
In what has to be a 1st Virtue is in a position to be a medalist at the Games
Each Olympic sport has a key catch phrase. Hockey has goal, bobsleigh has run and ski cross has medic!
Friday, February 19, 2010
An apology to Tiger Woods
My official acceptance of Tiger Woods apology,
First, thank you for not coming.
I too wanted no one questioning this apology and so I only invited close personal friends that would remain silent which is why no one attended.
I accept your apology to those close to you. My wives and children were nice people as well and I wish everyone would respect their privacy and not divulge where I am living. They too are innocent and I may owe alimony or support...
To my friends, family and sponsors, AA and others, I apologize for my jokes, shots and snide remarks and of course to you Tiger for being the butt of so many. As a male who has left my sexual health in the hands of professionals, I should have been more understanding.
I accept your apology for interrupting the PGA Event with your apology because I know it is important to return to sex therapy as quickly as possible. Most of the sex workers I know charge by the hour as well.
I accept your journey ahead will be long and hard and not just from the testimony of your numerous mistresses.
Until I lost my money, looks and hope I also succumbed to temptation though I have to admit your variety was world class. The ladies themselves may not have displayed any class but their size, looks and occupations showed your penchant for variety.
I accept your need for privacy in this difficult time. When I am with my sex worker the last thing I need is someone tapping on the windshield asking questions.
I accept your return to Buddhism and hope your flirtation with Bootyism was a brief hiccup in your spiritual growth.
I accept your apology and understand the pain and suffering you have inflicted on your mother. My mom has passed away but I know she wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting in the front row listening to me.
I accept your need to be away from your profession as you continue your journey of recovery. I too will no longer go to work but that is more of a result of the conditions of my mental disability. We may not have the same income and I find that really sad as it affects the quality and menu options I have at my disposal.
In closing I would like to again accept your apology Tiger and hope you will accept the apology I am offering regarding the jokes. If by some miracle I should be blessed enough to see you teeing off on the tour I will do my utmost to refrain from shouting “In the Hole!”
First, thank you for not coming.
I too wanted no one questioning this apology and so I only invited close personal friends that would remain silent which is why no one attended.
I accept your apology to those close to you. My wives and children were nice people as well and I wish everyone would respect their privacy and not divulge where I am living. They too are innocent and I may owe alimony or support...
To my friends, family and sponsors, AA and others, I apologize for my jokes, shots and snide remarks and of course to you Tiger for being the butt of so many. As a male who has left my sexual health in the hands of professionals, I should have been more understanding.
I accept your apology for interrupting the PGA Event with your apology because I know it is important to return to sex therapy as quickly as possible. Most of the sex workers I know charge by the hour as well.
I accept your journey ahead will be long and hard and not just from the testimony of your numerous mistresses.
Until I lost my money, looks and hope I also succumbed to temptation though I have to admit your variety was world class. The ladies themselves may not have displayed any class but their size, looks and occupations showed your penchant for variety.
I accept your need for privacy in this difficult time. When I am with my sex worker the last thing I need is someone tapping on the windshield asking questions.
I accept your return to Buddhism and hope your flirtation with Bootyism was a brief hiccup in your spiritual growth.
I accept your apology and understand the pain and suffering you have inflicted on your mother. My mom has passed away but I know she wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting in the front row listening to me.
I accept your need to be away from your profession as you continue your journey of recovery. I too will no longer go to work but that is more of a result of the conditions of my mental disability. We may not have the same income and I find that really sad as it affects the quality and menu options I have at my disposal.
In closing I would like to again accept your apology Tiger and hope you will accept the apology I am offering regarding the jokes. If by some miracle I should be blessed enough to see you teeing off on the tour I will do my utmost to refrain from shouting “In the Hole!”
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